Spouse's anger problem

[Emancipation 2]

Not stupid.. not for a second.

I stayed with ex 3 years and then waited another 3 years and pleaded with him to get help from a distance. 6 years of my life, all in my 20's with a man who had no intentions of changing.. Was it wasteful? Not for a second. I stayed until I knew I was no longer safe, and then I left (and watched my back for 3 years as I waited for him to show signs of a change). I wanted my marriage to work, we were in full time ministry at the time, and knew what it would mean to my career and my life after it. I didn't want to be divorced, went against everything I believed in. In my situation, I eventually had to walk away for good.. put him behind me, and now I am married to the most gentlest, understanding and loving husband (right now he is washing dishes as I'm typing this - not cause I asked, but because he loves me, and helps out and gives 100% of him to me), this is something I never had with my ex. It was a take take take relationship from start to finish for my ex.

This is a process that you need to work through. Until you have exhausted your last resourse, and avenue of help, you will continue to fight for this man and your marriage, and then you will feel a release from your part in this. I have utmost respect for that, but one concern, that you remain safe, and surround yourself with safe people, in the event you need a place to run and hide to. And if you ever start to think any of this is your fault, or that you are going crazy, you need to seek immediate help.. cause men like this are CLASSIC at making us think we started or made this stuff happen. Don't buy that lie not for a second. Your cat, his brother and you did NOTHING to deserve that type of aggression. NOTHING. It's your husband's way of justifying and looking at the world. It's sick and twisted, and I hope you always see it as that.

[KarenCee 3]

I agree with the other posters...you are NOT stupid. I remember people asking me why I didn't leave sooner. I believed in my vows and I really tried to work things out. My ex not only refused to work on the marriage, he said if anyone has a problem it was me. The physical scars that I bore have long healed. It's the mental and emotional scars that are taking longer. Please keep us informed as to how things go...as you can see we are all concerned for you.

[Fuzzness 2]

I just have one comment, since everything else has already been said.

He is an adult, he knows right from wrong. Even when he goes nuts. He makes a choice to lose it.

[kitkat1 5]

I remember you posting something a while back about him owning a large gun . . . that in and of itself scared me a lot. Along with everything else you have posted here, I am very frightened for you.

[Niels Bohr 72]

I think that your husband don't want you to leave so he decides to use aggregation to keep you in his wall. He knows that you will not leave him because of his own aggressiveness. In other words, he's manipulating you so you won't leave him, EVER!

[lucy_hk 0]

For those who have been in the trenches of this type of relationship, thank you for sharing your wisdom and stories.

This whole thing sounds terrible, especially since I remember the OP posting a while back about an incident where her hubby didn't say anything when his tattoo artist made disparaging comments about China.

I know...that actually hurt me alot..and when I talked to him about it, he said it's because his temper has been improved.........................

For the other posters, I really appreciate your advice and sharing your stories with me. Maybe you really think I'm stupid but I do think that I do love him very much and he really needs me right now. We found out that if he goes see a specialist and diagnosed with a mental illness his insurance will cover it, so he's going to do that next week.

Do you know it is very dangerous if he discovers you write about him on this forum [if he is sensitive]? You should have a place to express your feelings and concerns. But I hope your husband respects your privacy.

My mom divorced my father 7 years ago because he turned very bad and violent since beginning gambling. But because she lacked money to move out with my younger brother, she still lived with my father after the divorce. Had 2 violent incidents. 1, kicked my mom out and locked me and my younger brother home verbally abusing us. My mom called the police. 2, kicked my younger brother out then pushed my mom onto the floor she fled into the bathroom then called my uncle and aunt for help [look she was scared that she had her cell phone with her even at home]. I was living in the student dormitory so did not really see how terrible it was [my brother told me how crazy father was].

But, there was one time when I said something disrespectful to my father, he immediate threw a raw egg [with shell] onto my head.....and there was a time when my mom was preparing to make chicken soup, he grabbed the whole chicken and threw it onto the floor because he thought the soup was thin like water [not enough chicken essense].

But controversially, I do believe people can change and improve. Not my father haha. It's hard to just rely on the internal faith and locus of control of the person. Because any bad habbits are easy to form but hard to remove. Family's help and continuous support matters. If the person has been loved by his family/friends, he would know how to love other people and respect other people. Or at least be considerate. He can then learn how to love and feel and express his emotions in a proper way. If he loses hope forever, he will lack a cause/motive to change/improve.

Violent people are this way they are because of the environment they grew up. Sometimes it's not fair to say they won't change. Yes, they won't change but so what? When they were a child, when they were young, did anyone care to make them change? Or did the violent parents realise the way they treat their spouse and children would increase the possibility of violent character of their children? If someone has been living under the violence of his/her parents for say 17 years, he either would become very introvert or aggressive when grown up. if someone is overweighed and got mocked often by the peers, he could become aggressive to protect his pride. If the neighborhood where he grew up or schooled are filled with gangs for example, the person can look like one of them when grown up. When someone is slow to change/improve, it's not 100% because of themselves [though they make their own final decision]. But, the society, their parents, the mass media, peer pressure, financial difficulty [the symbolic meaning of money]. Also, whether the person has had chances/medium of proper, professional guidances on emotion management matters.

Wong I will pray for you and pls come back to update us! Best wishes.

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

.... 2 years after he was released he murdered his new wife, the poor woman was stabbed 26 times... why because she forgot to put the salt on the dinner table....

Holy hell.

[MPGGPM 0]

Do you know it is very dangerous if he discovers you write about him on this forum [if he is sensitive]? You should have a place to express your feelings and concerns. But I hope your husband respects your privacy.

I think that's a pretty good point to consider, if you are indeed using your real name (or maybe a combination of your "last" names?) "Wong Watkins". And, even if it's a nickname, perhaps there is still something personal in that name, which might ring a bell with your husband. And if so, I think that this poster has a point then, in that your husband might discover some day what you have been writing online. And given all the facts you have revealed about him, I would be a bit concerned about him finding this forum and how he might react were he to see what you have written.

If you have this forum "bookmarked" in your Internet Explorer (or whatever browser you use), it increases the possibility. And even if you have your own computer and a log in password, I would still be a bit more cautious. This website could be viewed from any computer in the world. If you are using a name someone you know might recognize, who's to say that, one day, your husband or someone else you/he knows doesn't by chance browse this forum? Then sees that name and what you have been posting about your husband etc......and your unhappiness with his behavior which you've expressed in this thread, as well as others (like the one where he was getting a tattoo etc...)?

Also, occasionally, if you do "Google" searches related to USA immigration, this forum will come up. There are too many ways for someone to , by chance, discover this forum and perhaps what you are writing. And given your husband's violent tendancies , that's a risk.

If that name is indeed recognizable, then you might be placing yourself in unecessary risk and perhaps you might consider changing your "member" name to something else.

I have no idea if that is a name someone might recognize or not. I am just advising you to take precautions.

[perfect 39]

Quote "Violent people are this way they are because of the environment they grew up. Sometimes it's not fair to say they won't change. Yes, they won't change but so what? When they were a child, when they were young, did anyone care to make them change? Or did the violent parents realise the way they treat their spouse and children would increase the possibility of violent character of their children?"

Pardon me for saying this, but I believe this is a very naive and narrow-minded statement to make. Yes it is true that a few violent people are that way because of childhood experiences, but that's a real minority - and is still a choice to allow those experiences to affect them in that way. Actually there are many (UK statistics 1:5 = at least 20% of men) violent people who are simply psychopathic and get a rush from the power and control being violent gives them. They have the ability to choose where, how and to whom they exhibit violence and do not feel the remorse for what they have done.

Society educates people that such behavior is not acceptable or "normal" so the individual has to take ownership of the fact that they choose to behave in a violent manner.

A person who can choose to be violent to a relative but who is "charming" to everyone else, makes a choice - there is more of an element of control in this behavior than you give credit for.

I have worked in psychology and been the victim of domestic violent - believe me - there are more people who choose to be violent than you realise - it's a cheap thrill and a means of exerting power and control over opther people. Usually those people don't change they simply choose their next "victim".

Will only continue if another person is the enabler who is willing to keep" trying to help him change" which is at best unlikely.

Great books:

Co-dependent no more by Melody Beattie

women who love to much by Robin Norwood

Love and pain - can't remember who it's by

The Spider & The Fly - by Ruth Raffaeli

Wong - please PM me if you have anything that you would like to discuss or if I can be of any help in your current situation. Please take care this situation doesn't escalate to the point that you are harmed.

[KarenCee 3]

I think that your husband don't want you to leave so he decides to use aggregation to keep you in his wall. He knows that you will not leave him because of his own aggressiveness. In other words, he's manipulating you so you won't leave him, EVER!

Ah, but aren't you the one that says women are trying to be aggressors of their husbands? Aren't you the one that says why should women want equal rights? Using aggression to keep a woman by his side is just plain wrong and vice versa. Sounds like to me you're talking out of both sides of your mouth.

[wong_watkins 1]

I just had a little talk with my husband again about his anger issue, and he's actually starting to mention that he thinks big part of his anger problem is because of me. It's because of me not showing him enough love and care. If it wasn't for me acting like I don't like him all the time, he wouldn't have this problem.

Sounds like a typical case? I think so. I'm actually starting to get scared. I feel like it's either he'll go crazy or I'll go crazy. Actually I'm going back to HK to visit this May. Maybe I should consider not coming back?

[no one 0]

I just had a little talk with my husband again about his anger issue, and he's actually starting to mention that he thinks big part of his anger problem is because of me. It's because of me not showing him enough love and care. If it wasn't for me acting like I don't like him all the time, he wouldn't have this problem.

Sounds like a typical case? I think so. I'm actually starting to get scared. I feel like it's either he'll go crazy or I'll go crazy. Actually I'm going back to HK to visit this May. Maybe I should consider not coming back?

Laying the blame on you is definitely unfair and immature on his part... it's really doubtful he is willing to change if he is not going to bother taking responsibility for his own anger problems. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider never returning. In the meantime, keep yourself safe!!!

[rebeccajo 14]

I just had a little talk with my husband again about his anger issue, and he's actually starting to mention that he thinks big part of his anger problem is because of me. It's because of me not showing him enough love and care. If it wasn't for me acting like I don't like him all the time, he wouldn't have this problem.

Sounds like a typical case? I think so. I'm actually starting to get scared. I feel like it's either he'll go crazy or I'll go crazy. Actually I'm going back to HK to visit this May. Maybe I should consider not coming back?

At least when he found out you were leaving him, you'd be several thousand miles away. A pretty good place to be in light of his past actions.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. But, it's better to deal with the hard reality now than spend half your life convincing yourself it will get better.

The guy may never hit you. He may confine his outbursts to others. But I'd bet my right arm that he will use other methods to keep you in fear of him.

I don't think this is usually about normal anger. It's about feelings of inadequacy on their part and the desire to control others. They don't see things the way other people do. They already feel like ####### about themselves on the inside and will do whatever they can to bring other people down below their own perceived level of 'crappiness' so they can be superior to them. They can't control their own misery so they create misery for others - misery they can manipulate.

Do you think you deserve to be manipulated? It sounds like you don't.

If you decide to make this next trip home permanent, don't make it look like you are going for good. Pack light - decide what you can part with. Keep things as peaceful as possible the next few weeks before you go. Don't give him the slightest inkling of what you are doing.

Be smart and be safe till then.

[babybunny 2]

I would have left along time ago! you only get ONE life . and I rather have a man that loves me ..but, not love me to DEATH. Only you knows what must be done. thats all I am gonna say about that.

[Mags 112]

1) Get the cat a new home.

2) Stay in Hong Kong.