Help... I am not sure what to do - Divorce

[Sandra G. 5,043]

Katalimzz what you said is not correct, to submit I360 based in extreme cruelty (mental abuse) ther alien doesn't need a police report, a psychological evaluation stating the abuse and with a diagnosis of major depression or anxiety or post traumatic disorder due the abuse is enough, and thr alien has ro prove bonafide marriage. I handled over 6.000 Vawa cases and 60% were based in mental abuse,and no one single case of mental abuse we had a police report.

[Michael and Ganna 104]

I know I am going to get bashed here, but I have to throw in my 2 cents.

First off I must say that I am a industrial compassion coach. Understanding that a childs well being is most important in any situation. It must be first on the agenda.

If I may ask some questions, and you can replay to me in a PM. ( because of a 12 year relationship) There must be something that brought you two together in the beginning. What was that? and what in your thoughts made things turn sour?

Too often we throw in the towel, that relationships are expendable. But truth is, if we can't fix this, it will follow us around. Yes some relationships were never meant to be....but the time invested here makes me believe things are salvageable with some work.

By reading, you have both filed for divorce.....scared of each others intentions. I see many post that say "leave" in short words...I disagree, unless there are other factors that you have not discussed in a forum venue.

It is quite obvious that you are not providing something that makes her go to dating sites.....Maybe ask yourself " what are you not giving that she requires".....Or can you have a rational conversation about this with her?

It is not working in the family business....There is something else here that you are not disclosing.

In reality you may have only been to the altar one time, but you are married to many people....as a relationship grows, there are changes that each of you need to except and grow together. It seems like you are on two different paths.....get focused, and rejoin each other in the middle and try to find some harmony.....it will benefit your whole family

An international relationship is very special....you each bring your culture and heritage to the table. Treat your relationship as a blessing and not as a cheap gift....it takes work, and you didn't come this far to throw it in a trash can....Fix it!

[Cheezees 1,514]

I know I am going to get bashed here, but I have to throw in my 2 cents.

First off I must say that I am a industrial compassion coach. Understanding that a childs well being is most important in any situation. It must be first on the agenda.

If I may ask some questions, and you can replay to me in a PM. ( because of a 12 year relationship) There must be something that brought you two together in the beginning. What was that? and what in your thoughts made things turn sour?

Too often we throw in the towel, that relationships are expendable. But truth is, if we can't fix this, it will follow us around. Yes some relationships were never meant to be....but the time invested here makes me believe things are salvageable with some work.

By reading, you have both filed for divorce.....scared of each others intentions. I see many post that say "leave" in short words...I disagree, unless there are other factors that you have not discussed in a forum venue.

It is quite obvious that you are not providing something that makes her go to dating sites.....Maybe ask yourself " what are you not giving that she requires".....Or can you have a rational conversation about this with her?

It is not working in the family business....There is something else here that you are not disclosing.

In reality you may have only been to the altar one time, but you are married to many people....as a relationship grows, there are changes that each of you need to except and grow together. It seems like you are on two different paths.....get focused, and rejoin each other in the middle and try to find some harmony.....it will benefit your whole family

An international relationship is very special....you each bring your culture and heritage to the table. Treat your relationship as a blessing and not as a cheap gift....it takes work, and you didn't come this far to throw it in a trash can....Fix it!

I think you missed the "abuse" part. Pretty hard to do if you've actually read the OP's post.

So yeah, I'm going to "bash" you now.

Shame on you for trying to get someone to reconcile with an abusive spouse. Especially one that is physically and mentally abusive to their own child. Many a murdered/injured spouse or child would have you to thank for your "compassion quackery".

Shame on you for insinuating that it is the OP's fault his abusive spouse was cheating on him.

Lastly, shame on you for having such poor reading comprehension. I mean this in the best of ways: You need an industrial English Language Arts coach.

[kattaklizm 11]

Katalimzz what you said is not correct, to submit I360 based in extreme cruelty (mental abuse) ther alien doesn't need a police report, a psychological evaluation stating the abuse and with a diagnosis of major depression or anxiety or post traumatic disorder due the abuse is enough, and thr alien has ro prove bonafide marriage. I handled over 6.000 Vawa cases and 60% were based in mental abuse,and no one single case of mental abuse we had a police report.

Well, my bad then... common sense pushed me to think like that.

[Michael and Ganna 104]

Wonderful....I must have you to teach me how to comprehend and expand my reading skills....

As my second, that is 2 and the first break between the lines paraphrase as quoted " Understanding that a childs well being is most important in any situation. It must be first on the agenda." would refer to abuse....and one of the most important issues here.

​Also if abuse was so rampant why has it not been reported by the OP? Another fact, a first year family phycologist would have already reported this. They are not dumb about one spouse trying to build a case against another.....

I may have missed something, and please enlighten me, I thought I read that the OP's wife was on a dating site and NOT having an "affair".....so that must mean when you have some crazy thought about someone else you are cheating? Then we are all cheaters...It is normal human behavior to have "thoughts" or "dreams"....just not to act on those thoughts or dreams. Or think of it this way....maybe you had thoughts to harm someone....Is a crime to have this thought with out action?...I don't think so

So " insinuating that it is the OP's fault his abusive spouse was cheating on him."....again please enlighten me. Maybe my writing skills need to be improved also and you can help me with that endeavor as well .

So you can bash me... and I am asking you to help me with my English skills....both in writing and comprehension .

I am always eager to learn, willing and able

[Lowlie 191]

All the other concerns are secondary to your child. To actually see his mother slapping him on video, and not get the child out of this situation immediately is totally unacceptable, You should call your local Social Service office and ask for help. Do you want to risk your child ending up in foster care? That's what can happen if you don't take action to protect him.

[Michael and Ganna 104]

All the other concerns are secondary to your child. To actually see his mother slapping him on video, and not get the child out of this situation immediately is totally unacceptable, You should call your local Social Service office and ask for help. Do you want to risk your child ending up in foster care? That's what can happen if you don't take action to protect him.

Exactly......

[Amhara 460]

If you know who her psychiatrist (or psychologist or counselor) is, you may want to reach out to them. Just call them and let them know you are her husband and leave your name and phone number. Tell them that you are open to coming in for a session or two - preferably alone. In my limited experience, they are eager to hear the other side to get a more complete picture. That will also help quash the possibility of your wife trying to present her psychiatrist report of her depression and fear from her husband.

Michael and Ganna, I respect your opinion. There seems like there is something else going on here, and this is a difficult situation that I hope the OP can resolve. I hope your son can get into an environment where he feels secure and safe.

[NikLR 13,227]

There is always more to a story than is shared. But at this point, when you capture someone hitting your child to the point where they limp for a few days, that's abuse. It's your job to move your child to safety and report the abuser immediately.

If you want to work on your marriage, I don't care but your child should not be suffering.

[Sandra G. 5,043]

The OP has to solve first the abuse that his child is suffering,at this point his marriage should not be the focus of his problems. When abuse is happening against a child or spouse we should NEVER ever advise someone to stay.The couple can work their differences /problems later on AFTER the victim is placed in a safe place.

Each 4 minutes a person is battered in this Country. Almost 220.000 people had medical treatment in 2014 due the abuse suffered.Between 2 to 3 million people are battered every year in the USA,and in 2014 almost 3.000 people were murdered due domestic violence.

The "industrial coach"opinion is not according with the guidelines thar we domestic violence advocates advocate in case where abuse is happening. The right thing to say to someone suffering abuse is to LEAVE, and in the OP case to protect his child, taking the child away from the abuser and to report to the authorities. If the marriage can be saved or not this is something the couple should discuss later on. Every time you see or hear about abuse DO NOT tell the person to talk or to stay, but tell the victim to Leave! What the industrial coach said applies to an unpleasant marriage,not in case of abuse.

Speak out against domestic violence!

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Your attitude towards this "abuse" gives me two conclusions:

1. Maybe what you witnessed was an old school spanking because if it was an actual abuse, why have you not done anything to stop it? Caribbeans and Africans spank children. That's part of the culture. Some people may not agree with it but that's what it is. This is not my personal opinion, just stating a fact.

2. Or you are just a SELFISH person who is just worried about your damn self and not about your child's safety.

If (1) is the case, then you and your wife should find a way to best raise your child together with a compromised parenting style.

if (2) is the case, you need to get your child out of that house. You should be the one to protect your child.

Your wife might be on to something. Trinidadian women turn to take care of their men.Most of their women are the breadwinners of their families. You have got to stop been worried about just yourself.

You have been married for 12 freaking years and if things don't work out, you want to do her bad? damn!

Edited December 4, 2015 by Ayisi&Phyllis

[Lee&Ana 88]

Subscribed for updates

[TBoneTX 45,088]

The starting post of this thread was the OP's only post, and he hasn't logged back on to VJ since Dec. 2.