How does your SO cope with everything

[kikibooboo 11]

Hey, everyone

My boyfriend and I have met not that long ago (4 months) and I have been visiting him for 1.5 month now and will be returning to my home country in a month from now. He is very helpful with everything but for instance last night he said "Im going to see my friends new house tomorrow, you can come if you want". Back in my home country I have just graduated from Uni and have a bright future ahead. Im only 22 (he's 26) and I have no idea of what to do careerwise. So, In other words, I'm in the USA for these 2.5 months to VISIT him and spend time with him. I spend the whole day home in Downtown Hartford doing nothing (there's not much to do around here) waiting for him to come home, every day. When I confronted him about his choice of words, he went "I just wanted to reinforce the fact that no matter if you wanna come or not, Im going regardless". I always thought that in a relationship that is soon to be a marriage, a couple has to make joint decisions, such as "baby, Im thinking of going to my friends new home tomorrow night, what do you think of that?", instead of just imposing his ideas like that. Am I being too demanding and strict or is that a red flag? One of my biggest fears is to move to another country FOR him and in the future he becoming an ####### with me, and then have kids stuck in the country cause of him too. How do your SO's deal with your presence around? Do they hang out with their friends a lot or the same way they used to before your arrival?? I would like to hear some advice from people who moved here for love too. Thanks everyone !

[Amhara 460]

I really suggest you two spend more time in the relationship. Something here doesn't seem to "gel"; you two aren't ready yet. I don't find anything wrong with his statement, but you did. You were hurt, which there must be an underlying cause. Maybe you were expecting more alone time and he was expecting to spend some time with you, then live his life as if you two were already together.

I really don't think that a couple needs to make decisions on whether the other person will visit friends or not, but perhaps some couples do. Certainly, couples should share their plans and discuss. Sure, it may seem like a given that you would come with you. Maybe you felt that his invitation was an "unvitation". Whether he meant it or not cannot be determined here.

To me, you seem to be a little unreasonable. He should be able to visit his friend, especially when they have a new house. I don't understand why he had to 'reinforce the fact', but it sounds like you were protesting or you just didn't like the way he said it. As a woman, we probably would prefer to hear, "Hey, babe, so and so invited us to his new house tomorrow!". I'm going to assume that if he had said it this way, you would not have written this post. If that's the case, then it's just a communication issue, but it could also be an attitude problem (you, him or both) that would be a major red flag. So, there seems to be some 'gelling' problem.

This should be worked on in the next month you are together, but I would highly suggest that you two visit each other again rather than deciding to marry now or go for the fiance visa after you return home.

Could you please share more of what your expectations were for this trip? Why are you feeling a little rejected or disillusioned?

[jabumere 2]

This is a no brainer sweetie. He is showing and telling you what he will do now and will continue to do throughout the relationship. You have your entire life ahead of you. You need someone that will be committed enough to respect your feelings. He is still in his growing up stage from the conversation that the two of you had. You are ready for a serious relationship and he is not. You need to focus on school and allow for the Lord to send the right man to you. You do not want to move to another country just to realize that the person is not the one for you!

I pray that you find happiness!!!

[Carla V 43]

Hi, Kikibooboo,

You just graduated, have a life ahead of you, and four months is such a short relationship... as a latina myself, for us is such a big deal to avoid macho attitudes and even more to feel not needed or apart from our significant other, don't know if is bad advise but I would just run as fast as I can... people's character or thoughts won't change but accentuated with the time... so, how will you feel if you are already married and he comes home one day and tells you Regardless of you going or not I wil go to a party, to a trip, to a whatever you wanna put here.... how will that make you feel?

In my case I have my perfect half in my SO because he is as social as a clam, just like me, plus we always make decisions together, which is a priority for me... if is a priority for you to feel part of the decision process, and want to have a husband that is more into the relationship than into friends, is not the ideal for you.

if you are ok with how he act just talk to see what are his expectations.

For me, that kind of wording he use and the explanation of why he use it, sounds to me that he is either tired of you being visiting or he just don't care if you are here or not... be wise taking decisions about this guy because you can bump into what you don't like and you won't be able to say you never saw him acting like that before...

Blessings

[k_stacky 65]

Personally, I don't think it's a definite red flag, I just think it's a "man thing".

Stereotypes exist for a reason and women tend to overthink things that men do or say, while the man usually has no idea he said or did something wrong. This has happened to me a lot, and for the longest time I would hold it in and let it bother me until the resentment turned into an argument. Now a days I usually just ask myself if I'm reading too much into this, or I tell him how it made me feel and seek clarification of what he said. This typically resolves things pretty quickly and I feel a lot better afterwards. Communication really is key. If you bring it up to him (and not in a round about woman way, you ask him directly and to the point) and he's not willing to address how his words and actions hurt you, then THAT is the red flag. Take this with a grain of salt though and seperate understanding with making excuses for his actions. Once is an accident; twice is on purpose.

That being said, I do agree that some decisions should be talked about together, but you don't get to dictate when he goes out with people (unless of course it is going to be leading to behaviour that questions his safety, or doing something that upsets you) and it is unreasonable to think so and will only lead to future problems. I understand how annoyed you must be because you're sacrafising your life back home and sitting around doing nothing, and it probably feels like he doesn't care about any of the things you've given up, or like he's taking you for granted. It probably makes you feel resentful, and that's another reason you're questioning the relationship. But you really shouldn't "keep score", so to speak. If you always think of it as "I'm doing this, this, and this for him" and "he's only done this and this for me" then it's only going to drive a bigger wedge between you.

So in a nut shell... talk to him about how you're feeling. Then, depending on his response, decide if he's worth moving for. If he still shows uncaring and is unwilling to communicate and help you feel better and more appreciated, then maybe you should reconsider whether he is worth the move.

Edited November 4, 2015 by k_stacky

[TBoneTX 45,329]

1. I spend the whole day home in Downtown Hartford doing nothing (there's not much to do around here) waiting for him to come home, every day.

2. When I confronted him about his choice of words

3. "I just wanted to reinforce the fact that no matter if you wanna come or not, Im going regardless"

4. Am I being too demanding and strict

1. Have him drop you at the downtown library -- or, better, at the student activities center at a local college -- then pick you up at the end of the day. Why are you sitting home alone? Why haven't you taken it upon yourself to find things to do?

2. You admit being confrontational. Communicate, don't confront.

3. You were welcome to go along -- and you should have, to meet his friends, see their house, and spend time together.

4. Oh, yes... and if you keep this up, it should be a red flag for him. In fact, I commend him on his level of tolerance.

Edited November 4, 2015 by TBoneTX

[Udella&Wiz 325]

His choice of words wasn't amazing but I would say you need to relax. You're both young and you need to figure out how this relationship thing works.As noted above, you have a slightly romanticized idea of how it should work and I think you're a little disappointed it isn't working out just like that.

Yes, couples make decisions about just about everything but in no way should he (or you) not go do something you enjoy because the other person doesn't feel like it or disagrees with something. I would never prevent my husband from going to do something with his/our friends if I wasn't in the mood and he wouldn't do that to me either.

I am going to guess that his choice of words has to do with the fact he is feeling a little controlled by you and he doesn't want you telling him not to go.

Again - you're not married yet, haven't known each other too long, you're stuck at home with nothing to do...this isn't exactly what marriage is like.

Edited November 4, 2015 by Udella&Wiz

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

He's 26. American guys of that age with a maturity level over 17 are a little rare. I advise patience.

[rtor1 52]

Well, I completely understand you. We deal with relationships on a different manner and some people probably don't understand it. To be honest I do thing you're both too young and just started your relationship so I would definitely invest more time on it before moving forward. I would be extremely pi**ed off if my boyfriend use such words because I would get it like: '' I don't care if you're going or not, it won't change a thing '' (Again, some people might not understand but that's how some brazilian girls are and I am one of them)... There is absolutely nothing wrong that he is going to his friends house, I agree with it but just don't like his tone but I am sure he didn't mean to hurt you..Some people are just straight forward like that and it's completely different from the relationships we have in Brazil for most of the times (When we date is pretty much like a marriage), but it doesn't mean he doesn't care.. It took me a while to get used to my now husband, it was weird at first to accept that he is okay with the fact that I was going out with my girlfriends in Brazil and it (You know what I am talking about...In our relationships over there - Not all of them of course - we basically don't do a lot without our b/g friends). And you need to think if thats the life you want for yourself because for a couple of months (Or even more) you won't have a lot to do and you will be basically staying home waiting for him and if he gets home later it will probably get you frustrated because he will be pretty much your only person you will be interacting with for a while... If I were you I would wait a little bit more and see how y'all deal with the distance (Sometimes it's good because you have time to think, missing each other - or not - can give y'all a clue if you want that kind of commitment)..

[NikLR 13,227]

This sounds rather like my husband with his ex-wife. If he was going to hang out with friends, he really didn't see the need to invite her along as it was just understood "where I go, you can also go, and vice versa." There was zero need to have a discussion about it because they didn't have previous plans. He does the exact same thing with me and I couldn't care less. The only time it ever bothers me is when people are invited over and the house is messier than I choose to have people see. LOL

IMHO, he's being quite honest with you about the person he is. You can choose to accept him, as he is, or choose to do something different. You will not change him.

[Boiler 45,559]

Actually I visited for that sort of time before I immigrated. But I certainly did not sit around the house, I had a bike, walked the dog, played Squash, the bus system is trying but using a combination of transit modes I could do it, did work on the house etc etc.

One thing if you are just over for a week or two but when it is months it is different. I remember there being baby showers I obviously did not go to and some work functions I missed.Probably other things as well.

[Amhara 460]

Personally, if my guy had gotten the chance to visit before we pursued the K-1, I would have expected him to come with me to visit friends. If he didn't want to go, I would be disappointed, hurt and start wondering where our relationship was headed. It would be one thing if he had to work, but if the reason why he didn't want to go was because he wanted to spend more exclusive time with me, I would expect that he would let me know that, so I could make sure we could enjoy quiet time together. But if he was to not go because of that........hmmm.

I would like to think that I would not start the conversation with "I'm going whether you like it or not", but I could see how the conversation could escalate to that.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Yes he probably could have worded it better but you need to make an effort too. Maybe he said it like that because you've said no on previous occasions and he got tired of you not wanting to come with him? If you're going to marry him you should be going out with him to see his friends, colleagues etc. It's just the way it is. Just like you probably expect him to go meet your friends in Brazil if he ever visited you. There have been times when Seve wanted me to meet people and I didn't feel like it but I went anyway. Because that's just what you do and I know it makes him happy that I'm there getting to know his friends.

Get out of the apartment, get a bike (they're cheap) or take the buss and explore the neighborhood that might be your future neighborhood. And I also believe the phrase "it becomes what you make of it". I'm going to assume it's Hartford, CT we're talking about here (don't know if there's any other Hartford...). If you have the mindset of "there's nothing to do here" then that's how it's going to be. If you go in with the mindset of: I might permanently move here which means I should probably get to know this place then a whole new world will open for you. I don't know what you're expecting out of Hartford but it's Connecticut's 4th largest city so I'm sure there has to be something out there you can do instead of just "doing nothing". This will make you happier which will mean you won't see your bf as your only source of fun and therefor you'll stop resenting him when he wants to hang out with you AND his friends.

You're pretty young, this is something you'll learn once you get older. Life isn't like in the movies or like they're in tv-shows. You're relationship isn't always going to be new and exciting and you have to start finding things that will make you happy and not be dependent on him for happiness. There will be times when he will go away and do things by himself (and this is OKAY) and you just got to find something in Hartford that you like to enjoy on your own. Just because you might be married one day doesn't mean you'll be attached to the hip.