Culture shock / adjusting

[inlovewithacuban 39]

The machismo angel is definitely in play. All along he has said he wants to "work like a robot" so that I do not have to work. I am successful, independent woman, so I would always work. The oddity about machismo is that if a man wants to be a man, why does he act like a child?

Cubans have a thing about "especulacion". They want to be seen having nice things and brag about it. I don't understand it myself, as I have always been financially stable and am always only humble about it.

The machismo angel is definitely in play. All along he has said he wants to "work like a robot" so that I do not have to work. I am successful, independent woman, so I would always work. The oddity about machismo is that if a man wants to be a man, why does he act like a child?

Cubans have a thing about "especulacion". They want to be seen having nice things and brag about it. I don't understand it myself, as I have always been financially stable and am always only humble about it.

[DJ6372 111]

From a mans perspective................mine

Your man is just a big baby and needs to man up!

I have just moved here, and yes things are different, its a different country!!!, I have made an effort not ot go anywhere near anything that has UK about it

I miss my family, but thats normal

I haven't got a job yet so I am doing all the chores and cooking for my wife when she finishes work, its a big adjustment for her as well

I bought a bicycle to look around the area, I live in LA and its beautiful, there are horrible areas but there are in my home country

I came here to be with my wife, the woman I love not to complain about everything

My advice to him is straight and honest

Either man up or go back to your 'wonderful' Cuba

To the OP don't put up with his attitude, you are better than that, either he sorts himself out or you find someone who deserves you, you sound like a wonderful person xx

[heo luoi 206]

Never heard of 'especulacion' but your explanation is very clear and can relate w/ that for sure. Know plenty of that. Seen plenty of 1 room houses w/ the sports car parked on the lawn. Good for you! Show off that pride any way you want. You want to flaunt that fast car, but live in that 1 room house cause no one sees that, good on you, if you can afford to do so. Have all that stuff and no savings in the bank? Congratulations on your fiscal irresponsibility, welcome to America.

Fiance works, he dont? He want to whine about lobsters and everything else. Was he eating lobster everyday in Cuba? Was he driving a BMW in Cuba, wearing $1800 worth of clothes in 2 wks?Good for him, stay there then.

Still doesnt mean w/in immediately coming over here and thinking pulling that off is kosher.

Kids growing up want to have what cools kids have, doesn't mean they get it right away and pitch a fit either. Recklessly keeping up w/ the Jones' doesnt end well.

I think you are still enabling him.

Even is this guy is not a complete jackhole, he does not remotely seem ready for a meaningful cooperative marriage.

Wish you luck OP. I do not think its going to get better on its own and certainly anytime soon. Hard decisions/actions should be discussed promptly with extreme prejudice.

The machismo angel is definitely in play. All along he has said he wants to "work like a robot" so that I do not have to work. I am successful, independent woman, so I would always work. The oddity about machismo is that if a man wants to be a man, why does he act like a child?

Cubans have a thing about "especulacion". They want to be seen having nice things and brag about it. I don't understand it myself, as I have always been financially stable and am always only humble about it.
The machismo angel is definitely in play. All along he has said he wants to "work like a robot" so that I do not have to work. I am successful, independent woman, so I would always work. The oddity about machismo is that if a man wants to be a man, why does he act like a child?

Cubans have a thing about "especulacion". They want to be seen having nice things and brag about it. I don't understand it myself, as I have always been financially stable and am always only humble about it.

[Amhara 460]

Buy today one way ticket to Cuba and give to him. I bet he will go to live in somewhere in the USA, but he will not go back to Cuba at all. He is a scammer getting ready to disappear soon from your life.

I am totally getting this too in my 'spidie senses"

You bought him $1800 of clothes that he thought would be the value of 2 BMWs?

For real!!

Yeah, Inlove - what you are talking about is vanity. Coming from certain conditions and wanting to show off like you have something, when in fact, you have nothing/next to nothing. Shoot, let this guy show off what he has earned by his own day gone self! But then again, if that happens, you don't really have a partnership anymore, do you?

Hmmm, then if you discuss this with him in a more serious angle, watch if he doesn't become all sweet and calm again, just with your spidie senses telling you he's keeping his mouth shut about what he's really thinking....some men, I swear!

[heo luoi 206]

I need new clothes. I'll cut you a deal. 1 way Ticket to cuba for clothes. I prefer crab legs but lobster's ok too.

Edited November 2, 2015 by heo luoi

[DJ6372 111]

I need new clothes. I'll cut you a deal. 1 way Ticket to cuba for clothes. I prefer crab legs but lobster's ok too.

Edited November 2, 2015 by DJ6372

[lmatos1978 14]

He did not have many belongings. I have totally enabled all of this. I am not saying I am to blame, but am just admitting I have been an enabler. The part I have the most difficulty understanding is that when I am vocal about things, I get dismissed to not understanding Cuban people and Cuban culture.

First i wanted to say that sounds like you are an amazing woman, going above and beyond to please your fiance! The way he's acting is completely unreasonable and childish! I'm curious to know how was he's life in Cuba, I have a coworker that is from there and been living in the States 5 years now (Kansas City kind of a boring place in a way since there's no beach) but he loves it here and does not plan on going back to Cuba.

How old is he and what did he do over there? I haven't read all the replies in this threat yet so sorry if you already answered those questions ;-)

I'm originally from Brasil and I love living in the states, besides missing family one thing that I miss a lot is brazilian food, to me is better there but I also enjoy American food :-)

So do you have a twin sister? Hook me up! ;-) Well I hope you get everything figured it out soon, you deserve the best! Good luck!

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

sorry for what you are going thru

i hope sincerely that things change for the best

but also hope you have not yet married

maybe if he wants to go back that bad, he should as looks like there is nothing you can do to make him happy in the US

looks like you have gone the extra mile and he is just not happy here

[TBoneTX 45,299]

I've read the whole thread as it has progressed. These early excerpts still stick out:

1. He is complaining about everything here. I mean this literally and not figuratively- he has not liked one single thing.

2. Before moving here [...] He was insistent that it wasn't about the place for him, it was about being with the person he loves.

3. He has been video chatting with all of his Cuban friends (spends at least 4-5 hours each day dong this)

4. He was yelling really loudly on video chat in the restaurant, talking with his mouth full, holding up his lobster on his fork

1. This is abnormal and indicates an inflexibility that will carry over into marriage, if you marry.

2. Obviously, either he doesn't "know himself" or he was feeding you a line.

3. True homesickness = calling/chatting with family. His behavior is abnormal.

4. This is immature, unacceptable behavior in any venue, and it made you cry.

1. It is so difficult when it is his opinion versus mine in the relationship.

2. "we are a couple, I do not have to say thank you to you."

3. I spent nearly $1800 on clothes for him because he felt he needed things here.

4. He tells me we need to focus on him first

5. this is a sacrifice for me too [...] He refuses to see it this way

6. He also tells me that I don't understand Cubans.

7. he sees no issue with wanting $86 lobster plates

8. He has a Cuban friend who told me otherwise, and that I am simply not correct [...] my word is not enough

9. I am just not happy and none of MY needs are being met.

10. he hasn't told me he loved me once since he has been here. In Cuba, I heard it 10x/day and FELT it.

1. In contrast, a genuine relationship/marriage is "the two of us against the world."

2. He's grateful and polite.

3. "He felt"?

4. Now there's a statement of selfless dedication to your status as a couple.

5. He's sensitive, and a compromiser.

6. He values and respectfully regards your intelligence and life experience.

7. There will be no financial disputes during your marriage.

8. He values you over all others.

9. This is the only indication of his machista behavior and attitudes that you'll ever experience.

10. He has no ulterior motives at all, now that he's here.

is it normal to spend a majority of your time speaking with people from home?

See above.

1. He told me everything looked boring.

2. would he like to join- of course it was too hot, too difficult, and the route down I chose was "the longer route".

3. I feel like a failure and feel completely duped, but am seriously contemplating cutting my losses.

1. He has a love of life and the intention of adjusting to a new city and culture.

2. He's a congenial companion during shared activities.

3. Quit "feeling" and start looking objectively. There's zero compatibility and zero intent to become compatible, or even to fake a modicum of compatibility. When I was single, I routinely ended dates abruptly, in their middle, whenever anyone exhibited even one of the above characteristics or actions. I'd just walk right out. Yes, I was snookered because I hadn't done the appropriate homework or had misread the other person, but I was grateful to see such behaviors early, because she was saving me a lot of time. Not once did I regret my leaving without looking back.

After 19 years of bashing my head against such walls, and of sticking to my standards and becoming a hermit rather than sell out to shallowness or abuse, I got my beautiful reward in Mrs. T-B. Still, if she'd exhibited any of the behavior that your "partner in life" has displayed, her shapely hindquarters would have been on the very next flight back to Ecuador.

Review the above qualities that you yourself have described, and ask yourself: "All the handsome, loving, sweet, desirable, available men in the world, and I want to keep throwing time, effort, money, and emotion at this one?"

Edited November 3, 2015 by TBoneTX

[Flex60369 3]

I in no way meant to imply that "Machismo" would be an excuse for selfish behavior he seems to be displaying. Sounds like he is not being honest about his reasons for being in a relationship with you. My wife has been reasonable in her requests and desires since she arrived here from Dominican Republic. You may have to ask yourself are his requests/ desires "reasonable" if not it could be a sign that he is trying to sabotage the relationship himself.

[Amhara 460]

I got my beautiful reward in Mrs. T-B. Still, if she'd exhibited any of the behavior that your "partner in life" has displayed, her shapely hindquarters would have been on the very next flight back to Ecuador.

Review the above qualities that you yourself have described, and ask yourself: "All the handsome, loving, sweet, desirable, available men in the world, and I want to keep throwing time, effort, money, and emotion at this one?"

Oh, wow. "Shapely hindquarters"?!? ROFL! That's hilarious!

That's a good point too. CubanLove (OP), you can find soooooooooo much better.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

TBone nailed it.

[heo luoi 206]

I'm suspect Mrs Tbone is truly behind it all.

TBone nailed it.

[DeAnna and Jorge 7]

SincerelyMeike you are a wise woman- and I completely 'get it' about finding the area you like. I am biased, but I find LA to be amazing and have everything a person could want (including the beach which is a stone's throw from my house). Every day I ask him what he wants to do. I have showed him a map of Los Angeles, I have explained the beaches, I have talked about museums, shopping, tourist attractions, hiking, opened groupon and took him through some fun off the beaten path things that are available here. He told me everything looked boring. So finally I just said I needed to "move" and do something for me. I said I was going for a hike and would he like to join- he did, but of course it was too hot, too difficult, and the route down I chose was "the longer route". (I have done this hike every weekend for 4 years).

I feel like a failure and feel completely duped, but am seriously contemplating cutting my losses.

I completely understand how you feel! My husband came here from Cuba about 8 months ago. He complained a lot when he first arrived. I wanted him to take a year to get into school in an intensive ESL program so he could learn English and have better opportunities here. He didn’t like that idea and thought I was trying to control him and complained about it every day. So I found him a job. We live Downtown Chicago, so he got a job bussing tables and was making about 1200 every two weeks. He complained non stop about that job. Oh it was hard work and he hated the people… blah blah blah. It made me very angry because I felt like that is good money! You are lucky to make that much bussing tables. I felt like I should have helped him get a really crappy job, so when he had a good one, he would be appreciative. So then I helped him get a different job and he was still complaining about that. Then there was the fact that he has about 100 women friends from Cuba and some who have immigrated over here and he feels it is ok to be messaging and talking with them on the phone. That is not what I am accustomed to. Where I am from, married men do not have other women that they are talking to constantly. So we have had many fights about that. I have compromised somewhat and he has had to compromise a lot. My husband hasn’t complained about things like the food and the city. He loves Chicago. But honestly I have felt just like you feel a few times, like should I just cut my losses?... When I feel that way, I have an honest talk with him, and let him know that this behavior is nothing like he talked when he was in Cuba, and if he doesn’t want to be together we can just end it. So far, he has always worked to try to improve things and we are still together. I try to be understanding about the adjustment of a new place, but come on. Also my guy is the same way with never believing anything I say and always wanting to hear it from another person. I find myself to be intelligent and knowledgeable so I find that very insulting. I have gotten into the habit of sending him lots of internet proof on any topic that he has a question. That way he can’t question my judgement. Good luck to you! Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I hope you are able to work everything out.

[scotinmass 588]

At that point I just started crying behind my sunglasses because I feel like I have made a horrible (and expensive) mistake.

At this point the expense is relatively small. Add the cost of a wedding (no doubt he'll have ridiculous demands for that), A few years supporting his ungrateful a** and the cost of all the other visa steps up to citizenship and then the expensive divorce. Cut your losses now. Move on and find a real man who will love you and appreciate you and be there for you and put you first. Someone who won't whine and complain and make your life miserable because he doesn't get what he wants. You deserve better.