Culture shock / adjusting

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Since he came on K1 and you haven't married, i recommend you let him go home and move on.

You dont want to spend your life trying to make him like the place/ or be 'happy'.

I came with K1 as well and I do understand, when i open my wife's fridge to cook, there was literally nothing i could cook because i wasn't familiar with the groceries here. and living in the suburbs being isolated was tough. but i learnt to get things done. i got a cook book and worked on adjust to stuff here.

i didnt really complain, i was obvious i wasn't happy though.

The extent he expresses dislike for the place is not acceptable.

Then again, i think you should communicate with him and let him know how his actions make you feel.

I use to tease my wife about a subject, and she didn't say she didn't like that.

We later went for counselling and she expressed how my 'tease' makes her feel, and i was very very shocked, because i did not know and she did not express dislike for this either.

so let him know, once you let him know and he keeps on doing so, then you have to advice yourself, this country is stressful enough by default.

Wish you the best.

I think you should be advising people a lot more on this topic. You did amazingly well..Hopefully I can connect you with my husband for support when he gets here.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Stop pampering him..He is a grown man

Looks like he is listening to folks from his country that may be living here already. Ask him if he wants to go back to Cuba for a visit? If he says yes, do just that.

I know it is a waste of money but would you be rather married to someone who isn't trying to adjust to your culture? Honestly, hold off on the marriage. Now if he goes back and you still want to work on the relationship, ask him to help pay for the immigration cost.

That will quickly change his view on money in USA since you breaking down your paycheck and expenses to him didn't work.

He probably didn't connect with that because despite your small money, you are still able to cater to his "outrageous" demands.

I am not blaming OP..

I just think sometimes we the USCs out of generosity and show of love buy expensive gifts and so the foreign partner begins to expect more and more expensive gifts. Let's create realistic expectations for our foreign partners, we should be willing to say "NO" and stand our grounds.

Good luck

[4 the luv of Masr 14]

So lucky to have this support and I thank you all.... I am completely at a loss and feel so alone. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about this, because of all the "don't you realize how hard it is to have a foreign boyfriend" speak before he got here.

It is so difficult when it is his opinion versus mine in the relationship. I am a people pleaser by nature, and I get very hurt when I go out of my way for someone and they tell me "we are a couple, I do not have to say thank you to you." This conversation came up after I took him shopping and spent nearly $1800 on clothes for him because he felt he needed things here.

He tells me we need to focus on him first and then we can do things for me. I have tried to have honest discussions about how this is a sacrifice for me too, and has required a mountain of life adjustment for me. He refuses to see it this way, regardless of any amount of discussion. He also tells me that I don't understand Cubans. Despite having spent extensive time in other countries (lived a year abroad and have visited 45 countries on 5 continents), despite fitting in in every locale I have visited, despite spending a ton of time in Cuba, despite speaking Spanish, admittedly yes I can say now that i do not understand them.

The comments above about propoganda make a lot of sense, but actually it's kind of the opposite with Cuba (the lifestyle, not the government. My fiance is not political). Of course not everyone feels the same way, and the time I spent was largely outside of Havana, but the Cubans I have met have an idealized view of America. They think everything comes easy here, and are a people who live for the day because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have noticed the shock in my fiance when it comes to things like having to wait for service in the Verizon store, the hour and a half wait at the Social Security office, having to pay for parking, etc. They hear that you can make $15k/year washing dishes and think all their financial wishes will be met. They don't have a concept of how far money goes- I have sat down with him and explained what my take home salary is, and what my expenses are, but still he sees no issue with wanting $86 lobster plates (I convinced him to try the $30 lobster roll because he loves mayo and not the full lobster, but that obviously ended in disaster). He seems to not believe anything I say until he hears it from someone else or sees it with his own eyes. For instance, he told me he wanted a car as we drove by a dealership. I told him that we can't afford it right now, and he said a car is only $1000. I told him that's for a car in a certain shape, and that we'd have to probably put a lot of money to service it. He said he has a Cuban friend in Miami who told me otherwise, and that I am simply not correct. He said let's go look- mind you THIS WAS AT A BMW DEALERSHIP!!!!!!!!!! He finally believed me after that. I don't understand why my word is not enough, and it makes it so difficult to have to go out of my way to "prove" things.

I could go on and on...... It's every minute of every day of the two weeks he has been here. I can't seem to distinguish between what is just culture shock and will change, and what is his personality that will never change. Bottom line, I am just not happy and none of MY needs are being met. Due to all this tension, he hasn't told me he loved me once since he has been here. In Cuba, I heard it 10x/day and FELT it. When I asked him why he hasn't said it, he tells me of course he does love me, he is here.

I'm so sad and confused!!!

I'm sorry but he sounds like a selfish, immature child saying it's not about you right now and it's about HIM. And you spent $1800 on clothing for him?! Did he not bring clothing with him...or money? He's the man of the house and he just sits around whining while you bend to his every need. Is that who you want to marry and have children with? I'd send him packing...for real. This is just the beginning honey and new culture or not, you guys should be in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship not whine whine whine. I'd tell him to go home and grow a pair and maybe you'll invite him back when he grows up.

[Flex60369 3]

So lucky to have this support and I thank you all.... I am completely at a loss and feel so alone. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about this, because of all the "don't you realize how hard it is to have a foreign boyfriend" speak before he got here.

It is so difficult when it is his opinion versus mine in the relationship. I am a people pleaser by nature, and I get very hurt when I go out of my way for someone and they tell me "we are a couple, I do not have to say thank you to you." This conversation came up after I took him shopping and spent nearly $1800 on clothes for him because he felt he needed things here.

He tells me we need to focus on him first and then we can do things for me. I have tried to have honest discussions about how this is a sacrifice for me too, and has required a mountain of life adjustment for me. He refuses to see it this way, regardless of any amount of discussion. He also tells me that I don't understand Cubans. Despite having spent extensive time in other countries (lived a year abroad and have visited 45 countries on 5 continents), despite fitting in in every locale I have visited, despite spending a ton of time in Cuba, despite speaking Spanish, admittedly yes I can say now that i do not understand them.

The comments above about propoganda make a lot of sense, but actually it's kind of the opposite with Cuba (the lifestyle, not the government. My fiance is not political). Of course not everyone feels the same way, and the time I spent was largely outside of Havana, but the Cubans I have met have an idealized view of America. They think everything comes easy here, and are a people who live for the day because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have noticed the shock in my fiance when it comes to things like having to wait for service in the Verizon store, the hour and a half wait at the Social Security office, having to pay for parking, etc. They hear that you can make $15k/year washing dishes and think all their financial wishes will be met. They don't have a concept of how far money goes- I have sat down with him and explained what my take home salary is, and what my expenses are, but still he sees no issue with wanting $86 lobster plates (I convinced him to try the $30 lobster roll because he loves mayo and not the full lobster, but that obviously ended in disaster). He seems to not believe anything I say until he hears it from someone else or sees it with his own eyes. For instance, he told me he wanted a car as we drove by a dealership. I told him that we can't afford it right now, and he said a car is only $1000. I told him that's for a car in a certain shape, and that we'd have to probably put a lot of money to service it. He said he has a Cuban friend in Miami who told me otherwise, and that I am simply not correct. He said let's go look- mind you THIS WAS AT A BMW DEALERSHIP!!!!!!!!!! He finally believed me after that. I don't understand why my word is not enough, and it makes it so difficult to have to go out of my way to "prove" things.

I could go on and on...... It's every minute of every day of the two weeks he has been here. I can't seem to distinguish between what is just culture shock and will change, and what is his personality that will never change. Bottom line, I am just not happy and none of MY needs are being met. Due to all this tension, he hasn't told me he loved me once since he has been here. In Cuba, I heard it 10x/day and FELT it. When I asked him why he hasn't said it, he tells me of course he does love me, he is here.

I'm so sad and confused!!!

You may want to also understand that many Latin American Countries are Patriarchal in nature. Men dominate relationships and decision making in those countries. Unlike the United States where you have had the women's liberation/ feminist movements. American women tend to view relationships more egalitarian( or equal say for each partner) this is not how it is in Latin Culture. This is why it can be more difficult for an American Woman to marry a foreign husband than for a American Man to marry women from other cultures. My wife is from the Dominican Republic and she is very different from the average American Woman in the sense that she defers to me, not just because she's in my country and she's unfamiliar but because she was raised in the cultural norms of her country. In other ways she's like most women all over the world, but a little different. I don't know if he's just being a jerk or his "Machismo" is being hurt by the situation of you being "in charge" so to speak. I hope you work it out and he makes the adjustment.

[pantonia 39]

Also, is it normal to spend a majority of your time speaking with people from home?

I'm so sad to read what you are going through right now. I'm not really sure if most of his issues have to do with adapting/culture shock or just his personality. He seems like he IS having culture shock but his PERSONALITY makes it worse because he just doesn't deal with it in any constructive way.

About your question of spending time speaking with people from home, I only have my exchange student experience from when I was 17. (I'll be moving to the US soon to get married too, but right now that's all the exp. I have) During the first 3 months I spent as much time as I could talking to my family and so on. I was always told that those first 3 months are the hardest because of the adaptation, and it really was like that for me. I had a really bad time at first and needed to talk to my family and friends as much as possible. My issue was primarily the people (germans, I thought were too close minded and not very open at first) and felt alone, although my host family was the best. I think internally you need to prove yourself that THEY are the problem, not you, and you kinda go overboard. I didn't skype with my family while at a restaurant and complained about the food, I think he is really taking it too far, but I definitely felt a silly need to ridicule germans at first. As soon as the three months went by it was like magic. I started speaking the language, my mood improved and I didn't feel the need to talk home as much, it all happened naturally. I hope that it is the same with him, but I can't tell right now, because my attitude was definitely not the same as his.

All in all, I congratule you for your patience and attitude. You've definitely gone the extra mile to make him feel comfortable and adapt easy. It absolutely takes a lot of effort for both sides and I think he needs to meet you half way.

keep us posted!!

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

You said you are enabling him and a people pleaser. As long as you don't set healthy boundaries and put up with his nonsense, he will not change.

YOU must be the change. (Read the book 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud /Townsend.)

People will treat you how you allow them to treat you, draw the line in the sand and mean it by backing it up with action that carry consequences for him.

Stop catering and treating him like the overgrown man child he is. Take charge of your life. Either he will adjust or leave.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

I don't necessarily disagree with the advice that you should refuse to marry him and allow him to return home, but...

If you truly love him and feel that he is a man who you could love forever, then I would advise getting counseling immediately, either couples counseling or one on one counseling for yourself. Even 3 or 4 sessions will allow you to have the peace to make the right decision(s) in the coming weeks.

Like you, I was stunned when my wife said she was unhappy after 4 weeks in Santa Fe. When I asked what part of it she was unhappy with, she replied, "all of it." Like you, having a spanish speaking community with some cultural ties was not a factor in making her less happy. Like you, she directly stated that I was a large part of her unhappiness. The very next Monday I called for an appointment to see a counselor about early marriage issues. My wife is resistant to all psychology so this was one on one counseling.

What I learned: early marriage is all about power dynamics... who has it, who is using it, how power is shared, how power is manifested. Communications is always important throughout a marriage but is extra important at the beginning. What you say and how you say it is crucial. A counselor can guide you through all of this in just a couple of sessions. It will also arm you with the knowledge you need to make decisions, presumably with no regrets.

Best of luck to you. Understand you're not alone and that even though you might be getting good advice from friends or here on VJ, don't under estimate the need for professional advice.

p.s. My wife has now been here for 3.5 months. She is much better. Our marriage is on much firmer ground. I ended the therapy sessions after seeing him 3 times.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Russ&Caro

[D N Medellin COL 75]

You may want to also understand that many Latin American Countries are Patriarchal in nature. Men dominate relationships and decision making in those countries. Unlike the United States where you have had the women's liberation/ feminist movements. American women tend to view relationships more egalitarian( or equal say for each partner) this is not how it is in Latin Culture. This is why it can be more difficult for an American Woman to marry a foreign husband than for a American Man to marry women from other cultures. My wife is from the Dominican Republic and she is very different from the average American Woman in the sense that she defers to me, not just because she's in my country and she's unfamiliar but because she was raised in the cultural norms of her country. In other ways she's like most women all over the world, but a little different. I don't know if he's just being a jerk or his "Machismo" is being hurt by the situation of you being "in charge" so to speak. I hope you work it out and he makes the adjustment.

I could not agree more. This plays a big part of the relationship dynamics between North American and Latin couples. I have dated and now married to a Latin woman and would not have it any other way.

Best of luck to the OP. My .02 cents is to send him on the first plane back to Cuba. Cut your losses and move on.

BTW I spent a few weeks in Cuba this past August and observed that the Latin machismo is as strong and ingrained in Cuba as anywhere else in Latin America.

Best of luck!

[rosy2509 4]

Being Cuban myself, I understand what he's going through. I came to the US when i was 15 with my father. But my mentality was to come here and work hard and go to school so i could later petition for my mother, when the time was right. I'm not bashing my own people, but a lot of us come here with the mentality of a tourist. "I'm here to travel, dress well and get everything handed to me."

It sounds like once he gets a job and is able to obtain his own money things will get better?

Also, he's very fortunate to be able to video chat with his friends 5-4 hours a day. I'm petitioning for my mother, and we only communicate through email do to the lack of funds because of her petition.

It's a culture shock. There is no such thing as sitting in a park for 4-5 hours a day chatting with your neighbors and friends. Or knocking on your neighbors door to talk, hang out and party every day.

I don't know him as a person so you could think I'm coming across as a judgmental person. But it's a shame that you have put so much into the relationship and he's being ungrateful about it. The least thing he could is thank you every day for giving him freedom. I have an uncle who just got here two months ago and I hear the same story every day, everything in the US is worse than in Cuba. i had a better life back there. Well... then just got back...

I'm sorry you are going through this and kudos to you for loving him so much to be able to put up with it.,

[Ausa 66]

We are so sorry to hear that you are having issues.

I agree with flex above. I was trained that everyone is a product of their micro-society. Meaning that they learn from everything around them.

Many people have commented without background information, or a deep understanding of his micro-society during his upbringing. Not to mention that no one knows your ages, family backgrounds, how long you knew each other prior to the mere 101 days the K1 process took for you, and how long or if you lived together in Cuba.

Without knowing that, one can only theorise. My theory is one which is partially contrary to what has transpired so far in this thread, yet his behaviour exhibits a high level of insecurity on his part. It might be due to his age or upbringing. Without all the fact it is an unknown.

My theory is: He is a "man" moving out of his home country, not able to work, not enough money to support you both, and in an unfamiliar micro-society. His machismo has taken a big hit due to this. How can he be the "man" of the house when it is not his house , nor can he afford the mortgage/rent right now. He cannot afford an $80 lobster dinner, or name brand clothing, so he feels insecure about that as well. He is being supported by his soon to be wife. I am sure that does not go over well with his friends in Cuba.

My issue is his response to this awkward situation. He is putting you and your life here "down" in an effort to elevate himself. Does that make sense?

My response to his behaviour would be a serious discussion regarding his place in your relationship right now and in the future. I can guarantee that getting him to discuss his feelings/emotions will be like flying a metal kite in a light breeze, but he might just listen to a few words you say. Understand that he most likely will not respond, or respond well, but give him time to think about it. Let it absorb, then approach him gently about it again. Try to avoid attacking him. He already is a tiger in a cage.

Don't get me wrong... He still could be scamming you, but try to let him know who he is to you, let him know that he is still a "man" that you love, even if he cannot support you right now. Emphasise "right now". Acknowledge that you understand that he cannot legally work for a few months. That it will be hard on you both, but that you have faith in him.

You showed him that you have more money than him right now... That most likely hurt his ego/machismo. If the issue is his damaged machismo, and you cannot deal with his machismo in all situations going forward, then you have a difficult decision to make.

If he is scamming you, or just a shythead, then your decision will be an easy one.

We wish you the best of luck, and a bucket full of strength, with however this issue is resolved.

[inlovewithacuban 39]

I cannot express the gratitude I have for the support. Love has been blind...

[Velvety 4]

Like others have said, this is definitely a red flag. Do yourself a favor and DONT MARRY. When two people love each other, they mutually sacrifice for one another. He isnt doing anything. Have him go back. Move on. I've hated the 4 years i had to live in Brazil with my husband while i petition for his visa but I've dealt with it because we love each other and I was willing to leave my "luxuries" that I had back in L.A. In order to be together. Your fiancé seems to have a disorder. Cubans are known to be loud and have a strong personality but this is too much. Moving to miami wont fix things either.

[heo luoi 206]

OP I would give sincere pause in regards to further AOS processing...etc.

If you/ others think; I'll file he'll get a job, things will get better. Go ahead and good luck on that double down..but this does not seem like a very good hand you were dealt.

If him being here w/ you hadn't improved your relationship and has gotten worse, how do you presume things would magically change after he gets tired from working all day? He hasn't seemed to show evidence that he'll welcome change all that well. God forbid he gets a job and be critical of every damn thing different about the US workplace vs Cuba. Things need to CHANGE first and he needs to WANT and make the Change.

I get if he were uber depressed thats natural. Homesick sure. But being a complete wingnut? I dont really understand where he thinks he has the leverage to be a complete jackhole. I realize hes here and not a 'guest' but hes not a prisoner either. Welcome to leave anytime. He made the conscious choice to come, its not an easy process for anyone.

[naire37 53]

OP, I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through! Thank you for opening up; this thread has been an amazing read though - as many of us are going through the transition. Yes, the times are hard, and I'm sure most of the "significant others" coming to US are homesick. You're in a new country, have no job, aren't even allowed to work, may not know the language well... it is scary, and hard, and a huge stress alltogether. As a first-generation immigrant, I still remember that feeling of not wanting to even wander out of the house.

However, having said all that - there is a fine line and a difference between being sad, upset, homesick, unsure etc - and dumping those feelings on your partner in an aggressive or passive-aggressive manner.

Him coming to US was his decision. Him staying in US is his decision. You are not responsible for making him happy every single day of his life. His well-being is first and foremost his responsibility. Of course, we are all supportive of our loved ones, we want our loved ones to be happy and it's natural to try and help them on the way: buy warm clothes, take them out into a restaurant, cheer them up or commiserate even sometimes, be emotionally supportive, "I feel your pain" kind of thing. But at the end if he does not want to be happy here, he just won't be.

So: don't marry him unless he can say with confidence he wants to stay in US, he wants to try to succeed here, he wants to spend his life here. He must own this decision before you tie the knot. It is his decision to make. Otherwise you could spend your entire life and not hear the end of it, how he left everything behind for you and so you should be the one making it up to him.

Having said that, I know from experience that 1st year is the hardest. America's charms work their way on even most reluctant souls. Once you have a job, once you have to get out there every morning and interact with people, the cultural osmosis is inevitable. He will get used to living here. He will get more comfortable here. He will find if not friends, then acquaintances who will turn into friends, and he will see many ways in which living here is more comfortable then living on Cuba. He will have a chance to be happy here - with you! Help him not lose this chance by helping him face the reality and own it. He has made a decision to move here, he needs to start living here, not how he's still mentally living in Cuba neighborhood with friends.

p.s. Kudos to someone mentioning that he's a man unable to provide for his family right now, have a job, and/or own his "macho" role of the protector, provider, etc. It looks like by bad-mouthing everything in US he "scores points" with his friends at home, like "I'm so cool here, they are all idiots". But he needs to be scoring those points in US. The game's changed. He lives here. And it takes a whole lot of a different kind of courage to admit you have to start anew, and go all the way from the start: learn the language, get a job, get a new education of certificates, and start climbing the ladder all new again - but that's what is expected of him, that's how he needs to succeed, by facing these challenges.

p.p.s. I know he can't effectively work until you get married and receive the work authorization, but the best way to help is to figure out ways to keep him busy right now. English classes, or books, or any kind of house chores (best if those are ones you can't do, any of the "male" work), any kind of help for you parents or relatives - help him start scoring points here and be proud of any little thing that he does. Help him feel like a man. And don't hesitate to call out if he's throwing tantrums like a girl. (I hate gender-based manipulations myself, but sometimes they could be ever so effective...)

[BrendaBuzz 8]

Are you staying alone or with parents or friends , because when I come to America on k1 we stayed with his parents and it sucks. I I hate everything there I even didn't recognise my husband , I was mean sometimes , and I cry after because I didnt recognise the person I was , I hate food everything the house was crowded , I cry everyday because I see my hubby sad because I was sad trying to pretend to be happy for while so to cheer him up but I fail , I thought when I come to America I would be the happiest person in the world like growing up adult but no it wasn't , I wanted to go home asap , my inlaw they try their best but not for me. I missed home badly , I was thinking I am loosing my mind like hey I am in America land of dream but it doesn't feel that way why .people would kill to be here and I am ungrateful monster , then I cry but to go back home I would put my parents in shame and myself people would lough at me . I was becoming a monster , to save my hubby and family I wanted to desapear . But my husband act and we moved to our own place now I am happy I am free bird I have my own space. I am learning to love America I am sweetest and kind wife I treat my husband like a king , my mouth speak good things, I want to be the best wife I can be and happiest one . My husband is handsome kind and hardworking I love everything about him, I am kind and loyal person down to earth but home sick is the worst feeling in the world , if not for my husband passion I don't know how we will be , just be kind and find out what will work for you

I can understand how you would feel bad for not being overly excited to now be in America. It sounds like there were other factors (ie living with in laws and no privacy) but it makes sense to experience culture shock. Hopefully you two can visit Tanzania in future, so you can be around familiar faces and places as you continue to adjust to the states. It would be nice if there was a meet up group for K1-ers who come to states. LOL, there could be a "Wine and Whine" social to help people find support and make new friends . Just kidding about the whining, but you know what I mean.

Regarding the OP, I think it's so wrong that he is using "cuban culture" and your supposed lack of expertise of it to mistreat you. I hate to say it, but I wonder if he planned this all along. If he gets papers then he can go back and forth to Cuba. He can get on his feet and then when he does not need you he, just leave. Some people are saying he may be having a hard time adjusting. I have not seen examples of someone who can't adjust. I am seeing someone who is not respectful or positive, not trying or considerate. But I could be wrong.

I do hope that you can talk to him and get things settled or figured out before. You are not married yet, are you? If still in fiance stage, then talk to him but don't tell him that you don't plan to marry him because if he is waiting for papers, he may change for short term.