Culture shock / adjusting

[intrigueace 14]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I really have no good advice but I'm feeling a kinship with you because I'm a few steps behind you. My fiancé is at the end of the process and he's been freaking out about moving and saying that I don't understand his culture and that the U.S. will be such a radical change. Meanwhile I'm like you, living in a major multicultural city (NYC) with tons of African and Portuguese culture. He's been here and loved it, my family loves him, there's nothing but great opportunities ahead, but he still can't fully reconcile his fears. He even broke up with me recently but then retracted. While I'm cautiously happy to be back together, I'm afraid that he'll spaz again and not come or get here and act just like your fiancé and I'll need to deal with that.

I'm sure you've put your all into this so all I can offer is a *cyber hug* and a prayer that things will turn around.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

One way ticket for him would probably be cheaper instead.

OP, you sound quite mature and you probably know in your heart what you need to do.

Like is incredibly short. It's disheartening to hear you're enduring this but know that there are many here who can both sympathize and empathize.

Regards.

Judging by his behavior listed in this thread, I somehow don't think making him leave would be a cakewalk. Manipulation is the only surefire way to do it!

[heo luoi 206]

I'm sorry but he does not sound homesick. He does not sound like hes trying....trying to compromise, trying to sacrifice nor learn about America et al. Culture shock aside, not sure why it requires so much burden of proof, to prove him wrong...a foreigner. Does not make sense. Quite simply hes being a jerk. CA is pretty well known for being pretty accommodating and liberal. Its not like you live in some more isolated regions in more remote parts of US. My fiance comes from a communist govt and people do think what they see on tv is true or they certainly are curious about it. But they dont insist they know more about the US than I do. Propaganda or not. Nor do I presume I know more about their homeland cause I have unfettered access to google. I always made it a point to ask about all the small little things to understand how things worked there or here. How much gas was, how far it went. How people get paid. How their time off works. How much a vehicle costs....etc. He doesn't seem to care or thinks he knows better.

He needs a big time reality check and I wish you well regardless. Something needs to change here.

[hampguy 9]

He did not have many belongings. I have totally enabled all of this. I am not saying I am to blame, but am just admitting I have been an enabler. The part I have the most difficulty understanding is that when I am vocal about things, I get dismissed to not understanding Cuban people and Cuban culture.

Ok, we can all be enablers at times. The good news is that you acknowledge it. You might never know what he deems "Cuban culture" From the Cubanos i knew in LA and FL, they do not treat their gf/wives like this!! He sounds like he wants to be taken care of and is not conscientious of how you figure into the situation. His arrogance and "Machismo" is in full swing. Put him on the RTD to LAX. You owe him nothing. I do hope you do not marry this guy. I cannot imagine anybody ignoring the 'red flags" this early on. I was wrong about you not owing him anything...treat yourself to a one way ticket from LA to Cuba for him.

You have acknowledged being an enabler, the second step is to take the action and get into the solution of the problem....if you are not in the "solution", you are in the problem.

Please take extra good care of yourself and know you do not deserve this treatment.

[deleted this acco 44]

if he doesn't like it here then he needs to go home. don't hold on to someone who doesn't value your efforts. he is going to continue this behavior. stop catering to him and taking him to restaurants.

[ktered 4]

I completely agree. My husband has been here from the DR since August. He has been nothing but sweet and thankful. I had to beg him to get some warmer clothes. He mows the lawn and washes the dishes. He cooks what he wants to eat and never expects ANYTHING from me. He does tell me I don't have to thank him but I do because I appreciate all he is doing. He says that since he is not working, he needs to do everything.

I do find that he chats with his family (they don't have video chat so he uses WhatsApp) often at our home but I am grateful for that since I think it helps with his loneliness. I was so worried about how he would adjust since his country and lifestyle is so different but he has been wonderful.

Honestly. Set limits. Tell him that is not acceptable behavior. If this is going to be forever, you have to be happy. He can be homesick but he can't be a brat and he can't be a jerk to you who is trying so hard. You have done FAR more than I would have done.

Good luck. I hope he opens his eyes and realizes how good he has it!

First of all: stop the charity. He DOES NOT need clothes for over $1000 dollar (unless he brought no clothes at all). I am not making money at the moment and I'm relying on my husband for things I need and I would never ask him to buy me expensive things.

And you have to tell him that it doesn't matter if you're a couple or strangers: it's "please" and "thank you".

Stop trying so hard to please him if he's treating you awful, it only shows him that you're willing to take it and his behavior won't stop. He is acting like a child so treat him like one: set boundaries.

As long as you're not showing him that his behavior is unacceptable he is going to keep disrespecting you and will walk all over you. Put your foot down, you can do it! I hope the two of you can work this out.

[TBoneTX 44,672]

The post below is returned to the thread after having been edited to remove a Terms of Service violation (circumventing the VJ language filter):

His behavior has nothing to do with being Cuban or Cuban culture.

[tanzaniawinter 10]

Are you staying alone or with parents or friends , because when I come to America on k1 we stayed with his parents and it sucks. I I hate everything there I even didn't recognise my husband , I was mean sometimes , and I cry after because I didnt recognise the person I was , I hate food everything the house was crowded , I cry everyday because I see my hubby sad because I was sad trying to pretend to be happy for while so to cheer him up but I fail , I thought when I come to America I would be the happiest person in the world like growing up adult but no it wasn't , I wanted to go home asap , my inlaw they try their best but not for me. I missed home badly , I was thinking I am loosing my mind like hey I am in America land of dream but it doesn't feel that way why .people would kill to be here and I am ungrateful monster , then I cry but to go back home I would put my parents in shame and myself people would lough at me . I was becoming a monster , to save my hubby and family I wanted to desapear . But my husband act and we moved to our own place now I am happy I am free bird I have my own space. I am learning to love America I am sweetest and kind wife I treat my husband like a king , my mouth speak good things, I want to be the best wife I can be and happiest one . My husband is handsome kind and hardworking I love everything about him, I am kind and loyal person down to earth but home sick is the worst feeling in the world , if not for my husband passion I don't know how we will be , just be kind and find out what will work for you

[HeavensAngel 4]

TAKE HIM TO A JUNGLE AND LEAVE HIM THERE FOR 1 MONTH ,HE WILL B FINE AFTERWARDS...REALLY I M SORRY ABOUT YOUR SITUATION BUT SERIOUSLY people visit places every day e from different parts of the world and settle down ,like u can see what ever the visa people apply ,like spouse, fiance ,business ,students and so on people came to experience place and learn culture ,but in your case its u putting effort to save a relationship like he is new born baby ...we all learn from experiences and make choices some times good sometimes bad ,but we learn ....u just relax and this is not the end of the world ,try to make him understand ,but if he still have the attitude and making u spending lots of money more than u think like u said food cars etc ,he cant buy such things here in cuba and once he is in states he is not accepting thing moreover not respecting your hard work to save relationship...long story short ...i truely believe if u really love someone u are happy without big bungalows,rollroyce bmw,etc...as in love u compromise and learn abt each other ,this is the fountain of happy life ...

[shie_shaun 6]

I'm not sure if I sense something's wrong with your fiance or it's just me. I don't want to be the negative part here but you have to see the other side of the situation too. I've heard stories like this before and people with this kind of personalities don't really change unless you stop pampering them.

I was even shocked when you say you spent $1800 for clothing! Wow! I think even for a girl who goes on a shopping spree that's too much. Sorry if my question will be offending, but may I ask who shoulders all the paperwork and expenses to bring him over? If it's you, well you better stop and cut loose he clearly just want to live the "American Dream" most people talk about. But again, I might be wrong he might be a good guy, I don't know him personally -- only you do.

Just like right now, he just moved there and obviously you're the only one who's providing for both of you he should at least be considerate of all the hardships and efforts you're putting in this relationship... as my fiance always tells me relationship is always a TEAM!

Please observe him carefully. Is all his spending and rants just because he is still adjusting? Or is he just using you financially? You have to analyze everything. I do hope I'm wrong in this aspect but I want you to be genuinely happy and do the right thing.

I totally agree with all the guys here, set boundaries, respect your self, know your worth and don't let him treat you less.

I do hope everything will work out in your favor in the end =)

[Sandra G. 5,038]

In my opinion he started with the excuses why he doesn't like to live in the USA,soon he will tell you he is RETURNING to Cuba,do not buy his #######, he will just vanish. His attitude smells SCAM.

Edited November 2, 2015 by sandranj

[ikeNme 38]

Hello, first and foremost, I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is a time you should be rejoicing by having your fiancé there, not going through all the stress and sadness. I don't think his behavior is culture shock. I am an American Citizen and I have been living in GHANA with my husband for the better part of 6 years. There are DEFINITE cultural differences here ...so unbelievably different than the US that I think I still might be in culture shock myself! However, that being said, the rants and hissy fits that he throws are NOT due to culture shock. YEs, I hate most of the food here and it makes me grumpy at times when I don't want to cook with the same things over and over again because of lack of variety. And YES I get totally miserable going out in the heat when I am not used to this kind of weather....I hate seeing dirt and rubble everywhere I look instead of green grass and clean sidewalks....BUT that in no way shape or form makes me be disrespectful to my husband. It does not make me think that I should not say thank you to my husband or appreciate every LITTLE thing he does to make me more comfortable here. His behavior demonstrates characteristics that seem to be embedded in him and I wonder how he was able to hide them from you for so long. It's one thing for him to point out a few things to his friends about what he does not like about the US, but to have such animosity towards the country, I'd be concerned with living with someone like that. Its not a healthy environment. I know you probably feel like you've invested so much time and money on this relationship already...but honey, the bleeding has to be stopped. Cut your losses and let him go back to his beloved Cuba. Wishing you the strength and courage to make the right decision. Best of luck!

[madtownguy 164]

In my opinion he started with the excuses why he doesn't like to live in the USA,soon he will tell you he is RETURNING to Cuba,do not buy his #######, he will just vanish. His attitude smells SCAM.

I think the price of the ticket would be well worth getting rid of him. If the OP is coming to a forum to discuss this problem with a bunch of strangers the relationship has serious problems. My wife misses home constantly, and she is always asking for more stuff and trips back home. But I like selfish people and had she not been a little selfish when I met her I probably wouldn't have married her. It sounds like the OP doesn't like the behavior, she also seems to have no control over the relationship. My wife spends hours talking to family, which doesn't bother me at all because then i can do my own thing during those times if I'm not working. But she knows no family calls while we are in the car or out in public. If I were the OP I would put my foot down, sometimes you need to say this is the way it is going to be, or there's the door. Good luck OP!

[lutz 41]

I'm sorry to read about what you're going through. As others have stated, he is disrespecting you and it needs to stop. Think long and hard if this is someone you can marry. If he is doing this now, when couples are usually on their best behavior, what will it be like when you get really comfortable with each other. You sound like a very nice person, a giving person, so it may be difficult to put your foot down, but you need to. Best of luck.

[t4t 18]

Are you staying alone or with parents or friends , because when I come to America on k1 we stayed with his parents and it sucks. I I hate everything there I even didn't recognise my husband , I was mean sometimes , and I cry after because I didnt recognise the person I was , I hate food everything the house was crowded , I cry everyday because I see my hubby sad because I was sad trying to pretend to be happy for while so to cheer him up but I fail , I thought when I come to America I would be the happiest person in the world like growing up adult but no it wasn't , I wanted to go home asap , my inlaw they try their best but not for me. I missed home badly , I was thinking I am loosing my mind like hey I am in America land of dream but it doesn't feel that way why .people would kill to be here and I am ungrateful monster , then I cry but to go back home I would put my parents in shame and myself people would lough at me . I was becoming a monster , to save my hubby and family I wanted to desapear . But my husband act and we moved to our own place now I am happy I am free bird I have my own space. I am learning to love America I am sweetest and kind wife I treat my husband like a king , my mouth speak good things, I want to be the best wife I can be and happiest one . My husband is handsome kind and hardworking I love everything about him, I am kind and loyal person down to earth but home sick is the worst feeling in the world , if not for my husband passion I don't know how we will be , just be kind and find out what will work for you

Happened to me, I moved in with my wife to stay with her parents, it was not good, I felt her parents didn't like me, we lived in suburbs, she didn't want to move out being the only child. We didn't have our space, her parents were everywhere.

Her parents kept telling her I married her to be here, she eventually filed for divorce.

Cost is important but living with in-laws isn't a good idea for marriage.