Culture shock / adjusting

[inlovewithacuban 39]

My fiance has only been here about two weeks, so I completely understand that we are in the culture shock phase. I would love some emotional support from VJ, especially those who have a Cuban fiance. To date our relationship has been spent in Cuba with monthly trips made by me (is difficult for Cubans to travel out of the country). My fiance lived in Russia for three years, so I had assumed he would have more realistic expectations about what it takes to move to another country and that not everything works the same in all parts of the world. He is complaining about everything here. I mean this literally and not figuratively- he has not liked one single thing. I have taken off work and have been showing him everything about Los Angeles, trying to explain how things work (as they come, not forcing things on him), and putting everything aside to make him feel happy and comfortable. Before moving here I tried talking about everything and letting him know how things work here. He was insistent that it wasn't about the place for him, it was about being with the person he loves. It's just hard to have it be about the person you love when everything we do, eat, see, experience is "horrible" and "so much worse than Cuba". He has been video chatting with all of his Cuban friends (spends at least 4-5 hours each day dong this) telling them how much america sucks and he can't wait to return to Cuba. He is annoyed that there is not a Cuban community here. Since I realize he is home sick, we have been going to a different Cuban restaurant every day. He talks through the whole meal about how horrible it is, that they do not know how to cook beans right, that the menu isn't authentic, that the meat is horrible, that the decor looks nothing like Cuba, etc. I took him to a world famous fish restaurant, with a gorgeous outdoor patio on the Pacific. I am a vegetarian, but I knew he would like some good fish so I took him there. He was yelling really loudly on video chat in the restaurant, talking with his mouth full, holding up his lobster on his fork telling his Cuban friends it was terrible, and they don't know how to cook here. Keep in mind this is Southern California, where at least 50% of the population speaks Spanish. At that point I just started crying behind my sunglasses because I feel like I have made a horrible (and expensive) mistake.

[JamnSol 35]

Wow, I am sorry to hear that. And I am with you, I would have thought that having lived outside of Cuba (in Russia) would have given him a realistic perspective. I lived in Venezuela, and I suspect he is being influenced by the political propaganda of his home country. Venezuela has similar propaganda, and I had some interesting conversations with friends and acquaintances there. He was told all his life that the USA is a horrible evil country, so he is looking at everything from that frame of view. I don't know how you change that. Many people are strongly patriotic, and that will affect their attitudes towards everything, even food...

Best of luck,

James

[heo luoi 206]

If he likes properly cooked stuff perhaps he should cook himself? I got tired of eating out and started to learn to cook.

He sounds a bit more than homesick certainly not meeting you 1/2 way. Have you engaged in earnest dialog?

[SincerelyMeike 52]

I've lived in many countries growing up, constantly having to leave my friends and family behind. My fiance also came to live with me for a while in a country that wasn't america, so I'm really well versed from both sides.

Some people just deal with change better than others. I get agitated by everything that isn't how it is back home, my fiance is enthralled by everything that isn't how it is back home. (For both of us the US is home)

Also, living in other countries you also gain a lot of expat friends whom also complain about living in another country.

All I can say is, wait it out. I must say he really is being a little bit selfish, you do seem like you're going the extra mile for him, but there is nothing you can do. He needs to open himself up to the change. He has all his friends, all his family, everything he's ever really known in Cuba. Like another poster said, in Cuba they have a completely different view of what american life is like, so that might be polluting him from fully accepting anything. Think of it this way, would you like to live in North Korea?

It really just sounds to me like he's throwing a temper tantrum, but hopefully it will all blow over soon. Just remember, this is hard for both of you, not him. Try to make him understand how his obnoxious public tantrums are making you feel.

South florida has a strong cuban community with AMAZING cuban food Maybe a trip to FL might do y'all some good!

[inlovewithacuban 39]

So lucky to have this support and I thank you all.... I am completely at a loss and feel so alone. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about this, because of all the "don't you realize how hard it is to have a foreign boyfriend" speak before he got here.

It is so difficult when it is his opinion versus mine in the relationship. I am a people pleaser by nature, and I get very hurt when I go out of my way for someone and they tell me "we are a couple, I do not have to say thank you to you." This conversation came up after I took him shopping and spent nearly $1800 on clothes for him because he felt he needed things here.

He tells me we need to focus on him first and then we can do things for me. I have tried to have honest discussions about how this is a sacrifice for me too, and has required a mountain of life adjustment for me. He refuses to see it this way, regardless of any amount of discussion. He also tells me that I don't understand Cubans. Despite having spent extensive time in other countries (lived a year abroad and have visited 45 countries on 5 continents), despite fitting in in every locale I have visited, despite spending a ton of time in Cuba, despite speaking Spanish, admittedly yes I can say now that i do not understand them.

The comments above about propoganda make a lot of sense, but actually it's kind of the opposite with Cuba (the lifestyle, not the government. My fiance is not political). Of course not everyone feels the same way, and the time I spent was largely outside of Havana, but the Cubans I have met have an idealized view of America. They think everything comes easy here, and are a people who live for the day because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have noticed the shock in my fiance when it comes to things like having to wait for service in the Verizon store, the hour and a half wait at the Social Security office, having to pay for parking, etc. They hear that you can make $15k/year washing dishes and think all their financial wishes will be met. They don't have a concept of how far money goes- I have sat down with him and explained what my take home salary is, and what my expenses are, but still he sees no issue with wanting $86 lobster plates (I convinced him to try the $30 lobster roll because he loves mayo and not the full lobster, but that obviously ended in disaster). He seems to not believe anything I say until he hears it from someone else or sees it with his own eyes. For instance, he told me he wanted a car as we drove by a dealership. I told him that we can't afford it right now, and he said a car is only $1000. I told him that's for a car in a certain shape, and that we'd have to probably put a lot of money to service it. He said he has a Cuban friend in Miami who told me otherwise, and that I am simply not correct. He said let's go look- mind you THIS WAS AT A BMW DEALERSHIP!!!!!!!!!! He finally believed me after that. I don't understand why my word is not enough, and it makes it so difficult to have to go out of my way to "prove" things.

I could go on and on...... It's every minute of every day of the two weeks he has been here. I can't seem to distinguish between what is just culture shock and will change, and what is his personality that will never change. Bottom line, I am just not happy and none of MY needs are being met. Due to all this tension, he hasn't told me he loved me once since he has been here. In Cuba, I heard it 10x/day and FELT it. When I asked him why he hasn't said it, he tells me of course he does love me, he is here.

I'm so sad and confused!!!

[Unidentified 2,930]

So lucky to have this support and I thank you all.... I am completely at a loss and feel so alone. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about this, because of all the "don't you realize how hard it is to have a foreign boyfriend" speak before he got here.

It is so difficult when it is his opinion versus mine in the relationship. I am a people pleaser by nature, and I get very hurt when I go out of my way for someone and they tell me "we are a couple, I do not have to say thank you to you." This conversation came up after I took him shopping and spent nearly $1800 on clothes for him because he felt he needed things here.

He tells me we need to focus on him first and then we can do things for me. I have tried to have honest discussions about how this is a sacrifice for me too, and has required a mountain of life adjustment for me. He refuses to see it this way, regardless of any amount of discussion. He also tells me that I don't understand Cubans. Despite having spent extensive time in other countries (lived a year abroad and have visited 45 countries on 5 continents), despite fitting in in every locale I have visited, despite spending a ton of time in Cuba, despite speaking Spanish, admittedly yes I can say now that i do not understand them.

The comments above about propoganda make a lot of sense, but actually it's kind of the opposite with Cuba (the lifestyle, not the government. My fiance is not political). Of course not everyone feels the same way, and the time I spent was largely outside of Havana, but the Cubans I have met have an idealized view of America. They think everything comes easy here, and are a people who live for the day because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have noticed the shock in my fiance when it comes to things like having to wait for service in the Verizon store, the hour and a half wait at the Social Security office, having to pay for parking, etc. They hear that you can make $15k/year washing dishes and think all their financial wishes will be met. They don't have a concept of how far money goes- I have sat down with him and explained what my take home salary is, and what my expenses are, but still he sees no issue with wanting $86 lobster plates (I convinced him to try the $30 lobster roll because he loves mayo and not the full lobster, but that obviously ended in disaster). He seems to not believe anything I say until he hears it from someone else or sees it with his own eyes. For instance, he told me he wanted a car as we drove by a dealership. I told him that we can't afford it right now, and he said a car is only $1000. I told him that's for a car in a certain shape, and that we'd have to probably put a lot of money to service it. He said he has a Cuban friend in Miami who told me otherwise, and that I am simply not correct. He said let's go look- mind you THIS WAS AT A BMW DEALERSHIP!!!!!!!!!! He finally believed me after that. I don't understand why my word is not enough, and it makes it so difficult to have to go out of my way to "prove" things.

I could go on and on...... It's every minute of every day of the two weeks he has been here. I can't seem to distinguish between what is just culture shock and will change, and what is his personality that will never change. Bottom line, I am just not happy and none of MY needs are being met. Due to all this tension, he hasn't told me he loved me once since he has been here. In Cuba, I heard it 10x/day and FELT it. When I asked him why he hasn't said it, he tells me of course he does love me, he is here.

I'm so sad and confused!!!

I'm sorry to say this, but his behavior is not about being homesick. He is just completely disrespectful to you and you should stop serving him everything on a silver platter and bring him back to earth.

[inlovewithacuban 39]

Maria & Seve, I have felt exactly that and have tried to communicate that. Any help on how to educate him?

Sorry- I am doing a lot of venting here...

[inlovewithacuban 39]

Also, is it normal to spend a majority of your time speaking with people from home?

[SincerelyMeike 52]

Wooooahhhh... Either he's throwing a seriously sever temper tantrum or he's actually been super awesome at hiding his true behaviors from you for however long you all have been dating.

I still think he's just throwing a tantrum expecting money and his friends to fall from the sky.

I really have no advice on how to make things better for you. The acceptance really has to come from within himself. What is it exactly that he likes/wants? Maybe you can show him those things and he might begin to open up.

For me personally, after I left the US and lived in Germany for some time I absolutely hated it because of the area I was living in. I couldn't get the things I once used to be able to buy so easily, like cooking wise. Little things like being upset that they never carried make up to suit someone who isnt a pink undertone blah blah blah.

Then one day, I visited my friends house who was also American. I saw how she had everything set up and I fell in love with the city area she lived in. That's when I decided to move there, and because I saw that she made it work I decided I could make it work too. I really had to force myself to see all the positives instead of the negatives. Eventually it just happened and I began liking Germany. I mean to this day there is still a few things I don't really like, but it no longer bothers me the way it used to. I'm also pretty certain when I get back the US, there is going to be things about the US that bothers me because it's different to the now Germany that I like.

I really really hope you all get this fixed, because so many people here let go of the relationship because it's so hard in the beginning. I hope he comes around.

Like to me, he reminds me of those kids that try to do their absolutely worst to hurt their parents who just got divorced.

[julieana71 2]

Sorry you are going thru this, but you really need to sit and analyse the situation and think if this is really what you want and what you DESERVE. By what you are saying it doesn't seem like he will be changing. i am all for love and forever, but I also am all for treat me with respect and i will return the same. Obviously he is showing his true colors now, so now its up to you to decide whether its just a phase that will pass or is this something I will need to deal with for the rest of my life, and am I financially ready to deal with all his expectations...

[SincerelyMeike 52]

I think the financial thing will even itself out once he gets a job and has to deal with financial things himself as well.

[inlovewithacuban 39]

SincerelyMeike you are a wise woman- and I completely 'get it' about finding the area you like. I am biased, but I find LA to be amazing and have everything a person could want (including the beach which is a stone's throw from my house). Every day I ask him what he wants to do. I have showed him a map of Los Angeles, I have explained the beaches, I have talked about museums, shopping, tourist attractions, hiking, opened groupon and took him through some fun off the beaten path things that are available here. He told me everything looked boring. So finally I just said I needed to "move" and do something for me. I said I was going for a hike and would he like to join- he did, but of course it was too hot, too difficult, and the route down I chose was "the longer route". (I have done this hike every weekend for 4 years).

I feel like a failure and feel completely duped, but am seriously contemplating cutting my losses.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Maria & Seve, I have felt exactly that and have tried to communicate that. Any help on how to educate him?

Sorry- I am doing a lot of venting here...

First of all: stop the charity. He DOES NOT need clothes for over $1000 dollar (unless he brought no clothes at all). I am not making money at the moment and I'm relying on my husband for things I need and I would never ask him to buy me expensive things.

And you have to tell him that it doesn't matter if you're a couple or strangers: it's "please" and "thank you".

Stop trying so hard to please him if he's treating you awful, it only shows him that you're willing to take it and his behavior won't stop. He is acting like a child so treat him like one: set boundaries.

As long as you're not showing him that his behavior is unacceptable he is going to keep disrespecting you and will walk all over you. Put your foot down, you can do it! I hope the two of you can work this out.

[SincerelyMeike 52]

SincerelyMeike you are a wise woman- and I completely 'get it' about finding the area you like. I am biased, but I find LA to be amazing and have everything a person could want (including the beach which is a stone's throw from my house). Every day I ask him what he wants to do. I have showed him a map of Los Angeles, I have explained the beaches, I have talked about museums, shopping, tourist attractions, hiking, opened groupon and took him through some fun off the beaten path things that are available here. He told me everything looked boring. So finally I just said I needed to "move" and do something for me. I said I was going for a hike and would he like to join- he did, but of course it was too hot, too difficult, and the route down I chose was "the longer route". (I have done this hike every weekend for 4 years).

I feel like a failure and feel completely duped, but am seriously contemplating cutting my losses.

I love LA as well, so I really can't tell you what's better about FL than LA LOL!! If I had a choice I'd move to LA in a heart beat, I just reaaallly don't care to pay out of state fees ?

[inlovewithacuban 39]

Agree on putting my foot down.

Thank you all for validating my feelings