How to deal with negative reactions from family? (Rant)

[Mykonos 10]

Hello all,

My fiance and I met online in an MMO in May of 2014, and started dating September 2014. Ever since the start people have been against the idea of me dating someone online, and have asked me many times why I don't look for someone local. They had also made some unfounded judgements about him, and have trash talked him before even meeting him. He has come up to visit me in Canada (he's from US) a few more times since then, and we have tried to arrange times for my family to spend some time with us and get to know him better, so that maybe they can feel a little bit more comfortable with our situation. All of these times, no one has really seemed interested in getting to know him more, and as a result they still have some negative feelings towards him.

In August, we got engaged and started the K1 visa process. When he was back up here in October, we told my family we were engaged, and overall got some negative feedback. The overall response was "oh really? I guess we saw that coming, congrats I guess?", which was really off-putting. One thing that was brought up to me recently was that they all think they he is possessive and controlling. I asked them why this is and they said it's because on his last visit when we were telling people about the engagement he made it clear to people that he did really care what they thought because it wouldn't change our decision. He was also talking about how he is saving money and working a lot of overtime to save money for when I get down there. They way he said it may have come across as rude, but I really don't see how people see that as controlling.

He treats me very well, we have great communication about everything, he doesn't stop me from going out with friends or get mad when I do. He is literally the opposite of controlling and possessive. I do admit that he is protective of me, but that is just from a safety standpoint, and he doesn't like it when I tell him that my family has upset me in some way. So he looks out for my wellbeing and doesn't like it when people hurt me, which to me, sounds normal.

We recently told them about our wedding plans. No one has said anything yet (it was a facebook message, explaining the visa process and when we think we will be getting married), and I think everyones reaction is going to be pretty negative. We want people to be there with us, but don't want them being there out of obligation and ruining our day.

The few friends that I have congratulated me right away and said that they're glad and happy for us and that we seem really happy together, which is all I want from my family. We have been a very close family (theres about 10 of us) since as long as I can remember, and all of their negative reactions are honestly pushing me away and making me glad that I am leaving to go the the US soon, but I am also sad that I feel this way. Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you do?

[Illiria 980]

It's disappointing when family can't be supportive and respect your decisions but from how close you said your family was I don't think they are doing it maliciously, they are just worried about you. It is out of love and concern, they don't know him as well so can only judge him in the small amounts of interaction they have had with him, during which he seems to have been defensive.

Maybe when he was talking about saving up money for when you went to the US it came across as he hadnt given you the choice of settling in Canada? If i thought that someone was forcing someone to come to the us with no option of settling in their own country which is a developed country I would think that's controlling.

You are the one who has to make the decision to stay with him or not. But I would advise to listen to your friends and not be angry with them.

I had a friend who met a guy through a mmorpg. Basically he was stoner who was 20 years older than her and convinced her to meet him for the first time by staying alone at his place not telling anyone she had gone to meet him. He became more and more controlling and emotionally manipulative. When she had finally had enough of his controlling ways she dumped him and he promptly threatened to kill himself and was emotionally blackmailing her. We all told her that he wasn't a good idea and to this day she hasn't forgiven me for being the most vocal about my doubts. It sucks as she was a really good friend before him and she has moved on dating wise, but she still bad mouths me for having spoken against him.

[Mykonos 10]

It's disappointing when family can't be supportive and respect your decisions but from how close you said your family was I don't think they are doing it maliciously, they are just worried about you. It is out of love and concern, they don't know him as well so can only judge him in the small amounts of interaction they have had with him, during which he seems to have been defensive.

Maybe when he was talking about saving up money for when you went to the US it came across as he hadnt given you the choice of settling in Canada? If i thought that someone was forcing someone to come to the us with no option of settling in their own country which is a developed country I would think that's controlling.

You are the one who has to make the decision to stay with him or not. But I would advise to listen to your friends and not be angry with them.

I had a friend who met a guy through a mmorpg. Basically he was stoner who was 20 years older than her and convinced her to meet him for the first time by staying alone at his place not telling anyone she had gone to meet him. He became more and more controlling and emotionally manipulative. When she had finally had enough of his controlling ways she dumped him and he promptly threatened to kill himself and was emotionally blackmailing her. We all told her that he wasn't a good idea and to this day she hasn't forgiven me for being the most vocal about my doubts. It sucks as she was a really good friend before him and she has moved on dating wise, but she still bad mouths me for having spoken against him.

Thanks for the insight, you hit the nail right on the head. I understand that they are worried/concerned, but they can still do that while being supportive as well. We've also made plenty of opportunities for them to get to know him better, but they just don't take our offers, and the complain they don't know him at all later! My dad and cousin have their opinions, but they do like my fiance and can see that I am happy. I will definitely stay with him, as their opinions wont change my mind, and I am not mad or hold any grudges against them. I am just sad that they aren't happy for me.

I had mentioned to them earlier this year that we have looked into both options of either him moving here or me moving there, and we decided that we would be better with me moving there because of the better job opportunities and pay for my field down in the states (it was a joint decision). So when he was talking about saving money, people already knew I was trying to move down there.

Most of them are older (50+) as well, and have heard all the horror stories about meeting people over the internet, and they even have their view of the states that guns are everywhere and that its a dangerous place, so that doesn't help.

Fortunately for us, we have been together in person for about 6 months total of all our visits, with them lasting usually 2 weeks, so we have gotten to know how the other person lives and goes about their daily lives. I've also been very open about it to my family, they just havent been receptive. Actually, our first visit was supposed to be December 2014 with me going to see him for 2 weeks, but he insisted that he come up and meet some of my family (mainly my dad) in October, so that they would feel more comfortable with me going down to see him in December, and that I wasn't going down to meet a complete stranger, which I thought was commendable of him.

The situation you explained was similar to my last relationship, where he was manipulative in every way and would try to kill himself when I'd try to break it off, made me feel guilty for leaving the house etc. So I did learn what red flags to look out for in a relationship, and thankfully I haven't seen any with my fiance. It's also been mentioned to me by my cousin that they are afraid of what happened in my last relationship to happen again, and they they would be no matter who I am seeing.

I guess I will just wait it out, and hope they can respect and trust my decision in time.

Thanks again for the reply!

[heo luoi 206]

I guess the irony is laden here. They mock your relationship online and its premise than dont really take advantage to get to know him in the brief interactions they had and make broad judgements against it/him.

Is / was your relationship w/ your family different before?

All families are different so no idea how you/yours were. My parents are totally supportive. My other family is not unsupportive but certainly less than interested. They have their own families and lives and we dont 'small talk' well. My one sister married her childhood boyfriend, the other married and I'm not sure the rest of us ever even met him prior. I guess in fairness they never involved me before either...albeit i knew the one for a long time obviously. Not that this is small talk. but they dont really understand nor want to make the effort to understand the immigration process and its just awkward for them. I'm hoping when shes finally here they'll embrace it all more but I think it will still be a slow crawl, in particularly we aren't physically close so it that stuff all just takes time...

Feel sorry for him, as we'll be coming here and the outsider to all that family history and the loner and have hole to climb. I can see how he just maybe meant to express his intentions/commitment toward you and they found it coming off more off-putting. hmm.

GL OP

[Ash.1101 1,756]

Sometimes people need a lot more time than others.


I also met my fiance on an MMO, but in 2010. When we started dating in 2013, I told my sister first, and then it eventually went to to my dad, who was against it. His parents have never felt comfortable with this, they found out about me a couple of weeks before he flew down here the first which was about 2 months after we started dating.

Over all, my dad was very against it. Dating online, meeting on video games that he hates anyways, got the whole "Maybe he's a serial killer" speech in which I go, well maybe I am too because he met me in the same place I met him!

My dad eventually met him April 2015, my mom met him Christmas 2013 (My mom's opinion is pretty meh to me), my sister and aunt met him July 2014. My dad was really the only one with any issues, but I say it took a good year to convince him that my fiance is a legit guy. Once my dad met him, my dad's been fully supportive, everyone for the most part on my side of the family seems to approve with open arms.

My fiance's family is opposite, but it's understandable. I'm 6 and a half years older than him, with a 7 year old daughter that has autism to the point of official disability. He's gone to college, he's good looking, smart, etc, so for him to essentially meet me and come start a life with me versus finding a good career out of college and the perfect woman start a family, do things the "proper way", it's just hard to accept that it's not what he's doing. He's going off to marry some woman he met on the internet.

My fiances dad likes me, I don't think he likes me enough to think I should marry his son, and his mother is worried that we're going to fall apart and put her son in a bad place. She's literally asked my fiance twice a week every two weeks since April if he was still going to marry me, then asks about the process. It's driving him insane.



So... how do I deal with it? I figure everyone needs time and that as long as their opinions don't seep and hurt our relationship then we'll be okay. My dad actually took his parents out for drinks after we had dinner and left and they talked a bit, when my fiances mom expressed her worries we'll fail my dad simply told her that what we need is support, no one knows if we'll succeed or fail, no one knows that about any ones life or relationship, but supporting us is the best way to help us succeed in what we're doing and our lives.

I do make sure that my fiance knows how supportive my family is. Even if his family is lacking a bit in support, having my family tell me to tell him kind words or even message him on FB does help. Luckily for us, he's coming here, and my family is very supportive so he'll be around a lot of supportive people. He's already been included on wedding invitations addressed to me, and we've already been invited to Christmas with part of my family that I've been a bit more estranged with than I would have liked too, that's amazing and wonderful and I hope we can go.

Do I think his mom will ever come to like me? Eventually. I think it took my sister's mother in law 10 years to finally like her, and she has a normal relationship without online dating or moving countries. LOL.

I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing. I can't go out of my way to impress his mom or make her like me, because she simply may never like me. I just hope that if her sons happy that that's the thing that makes her at least like me a little.



Remember this, you -can't- make someone like you or convince someone to like someone else. If they're going to like someone, it'll take time because they're going to have to break down the wall they placed up themselves to see that person they way you see them.

And the whole preconceived notion of meeting people online is still VERY hard for some people. My dad actually seems to respect that I talk to and have a circle of friends online, but prior to my fiance he thought all people on the internet were horrible trolls out to steal identities and money.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Ash.1101

[NikLR 13,232]

I havent talked to my dad, who i was not close to, since my wedding he didn't show up for (so 3.5 years.) My mom was officiating. It had nothing to do with my choice of husband. My brother was really upset I was moving and stopped talking to me. We say happy birthday and merry Christmas but that's about it. But that has less to do with my husband and more to do with his opinions about the fact I moved down vs he moving up. My daughter chose to live with her dad which is really hard, but I respect her decision and refuse to drag my child through custody battles.

Our relationship was much faster than yours. We were married less than a year after our first meeting in person. We met playing MW2 actually. Lol.

I still get the occasional weird comment from my mom but my last relationship was kind of controlling so she is just being protective. Like when I say my hubs doesn't want to go lay on a beach somewhere for a vacation that she suggests, she gets all "well why does it have to be what he wants?" "Well because if it's a family vacation why would we not visit a mutual want to see place vs a one person wants to see?" Durrr... I remind her that I do me stuff and she calms down.

Remember friends are the family you choose and while it's nice for family to be happy for you, a marriage is about you guys and not them. Make your wedding the same way.

[NikLR 13,232]

Oh to add, i have yet to meet my MIL or my BIL and his family in person. There are 3 kids, my BIL's wife doesnt work, he's active Navy on a boat, and my MIL is on disability and lives with them. I met my FIL once but he also still works fulltime in construction.

Most of our vacation time and money goes towards my daughter visiting us, which my husband has made clear to everyone is a priority.

We're hoping to go to Virginia or Alabama in the new year though.

[courage87 10]

Hello all,

My fiance and I met online in an MMO in May of 2014, and started dating September 2014. Ever since the start people have been against the idea of me dating someone online, and have asked me many times why I don't look for someone local. They had also made some unfounded judgements about him, and have trash talked him before even meeting him. He has come up to visit me in Canada (he's from US) a few more times since then, and we have tried to arrange times for my family to spend some time with us and get to know him better, so that maybe they can feel a little bit more comfortable with our situation. All of these times, no one has really seemed interested in getting to know him more, and as a result they still have some negative feelings towards him.

In August, we got engaged and started the K1 visa process. When he was back up here in October, we told my family we were engaged, and overall got some negative feedback. The overall response was "oh really? I guess we saw that coming, congrats I guess?", which was really off-putting. One thing that was brought up to me recently was that they all think they he is possessive and controlling. I asked them why this is and they said it's because on his last visit when we were telling people about the engagement he made it clear to people that he did really care what they thought because it wouldn't change our decision. He was also talking about how he is saving money and working a lot of overtime to save money for when I get down there. They way he said it may have come across as rude, but I really don't see how people see that as controlling.

He treats me very well, we have great communication about everything, he doesn't stop me from going out with friends or get mad when I do. He is literally the opposite of controlling and possessive. I do admit that he is protective of me, but that is just from a safety standpoint, and he doesn't like it when I tell him that my family has upset me in some way. So he looks out for my wellbeing and doesn't like it when people hurt me, which to me, sounds normal.

We recently told them about our wedding plans. No one has said anything yet (it was a facebook message, explaining the visa process and when we think we will be getting married), and I think everyones reaction is going to be pretty negative. We want people to be there with us, but don't want them being there out of obligation and ruining our day.

The few friends that I have congratulated me right away and said that they're glad and happy for us and that we seem really happy together, which is all I want from my family. We have been a very close family (theres about 10 of us) since as long as I can remember, and all of their negative reactions are honestly pushing me away and making me glad that I am leaving to go the the US soon, but I am also sad that I feel this way. Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you do?

I assure you which is all about being negative against your relationship.

I am in a long distance relationship since the 2013, and the mother of her is acting very sneaky, trying to set me and my girlfriend to breakup.

My american girlfriend is separated from 5 years ago and her ex-husband got married again, despite he left the divorce process pending. So my girlfriend took a lawyer which is friend of her mother. We are at the 6th month since she paid this lawyer and every month he said "I have the paper I just need a mark from the judge".

The sneaky thing is which some days ago he asked for other money saying he would give the divorce decree to her so we could start the k1-visa process, so she gave the money to him and after 1 day he said "You must wait till March to have your divorce decree".... I believe her mother and this lawyer are accorded to not let her having the divorce decree.

Also my girlfriend psychologist told her which her mother wants her to be her slave in the house forever, and she acts pathologically jealous, and she would never let her marry me.

Edited November 12, 2015 by courage87

[Darnell 8,479]

Courage87, look up the divorce petition status online and learn the current status.