Inter-racial couples

[JamnSol 35]

I'm a white guy, I grew up in the 70-80's in a lower class, blue collar neighborhood. In Dallas Texas. We had black, Mexican and Philopino playmates.

I'm now engaged to a beautiful black girl, twenty years younger than me, from one of the English speaking regions of Cameroon. Once she gets her visa, she will come to the US, we will get married and move to Bakersfield California. While waiting on EAD and AP, we hope to get her into an ESL class to improve her English, and to keep her busy.

I would really like to hear from others going through the mixed race & immigration process, regardless of where you are in the process, any significant hurdles, experiences (bad or good).

Thanks!

James

[BrendaBuzz 8]

I don't understand why race would matter at all?? The visa process is certainly complicated and annoying . There are cases not seeming to be taken in order of arrival AND/OR case workers working at different speed levels. However, I don't see how race/religion/tribal differences can or has in any way affect the process.

[Jojo92122 1,924]

Lots of couples on here are mixed race. Race is not an issue in the immigration process.

[JamnSol 35]

I understand race is not a factor in the process- I believe I posted in "moving and living in America ", it is more a question about cultural differences and acceptance. Personal experience and advice for dealing with unexpected consequences of very different backgrounds.

[Chris and ZhiJia 146]

I understand race is not a factor in the process- I believe I posted in "moving and living in America ", it is more a question about cultural differences and acceptance. Personal experience and advice for dealing with unexpected consequences of very different backgrounds.

We live in a country where Men are married to each other, Women are married to each other, Americans and Africans are married, Asians and Europeans are married, Hell we even have some people that have found ways to legally marry inanimate objects. The more you let an interracial marriage concern you, the more it will always be a problem in your mind. Honestly noone cares if you are white and married to someone from another country with a different skin color.

Just my opinion. Stop letting it bother you, and enjoy your love for each other.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I will provide an interracial opinion - but based on the fact that my 24 yr old daughter is biracial from a previous marriage prior to my current US 'white' husband.

Until we came to the US 8 yrs ago, we didn't give the interracial aspect much thought (Canada doesn't make as big a deal about it). I have to say that in our area (just outside DC), there are a large number of mixed couples (white/black, Asian/White , Indian/White) so I think it's going to depend on your area.

You WILL get looks and you just get used to those, there will always be some fool who can't stop staring, in particular when you have children (it's like they can't put 2+2 together - white + black = brown kid...duh!) . It also will depend on how you come across to people and by that I mean be confident, don't pick a fight every time someone stares. Educate if there is a need. No one has ever said anything to her, me or my husband verbally that I am aware of.

The ESL class is a great idea. Anything to help her become comfortable and give her opportunities to blend in. It will also help her find employment later on.

I will catch flack for this next comment....but racism is alive and well in America in little pockets (case in the point...the news), just make it a habit not to hangout with those folks

Edited November 5, 2015 by Udella&Wiz

[JamnSol 35]

Thanks Udella- I'm not particularly worried, really just curious about reactions. I appreciate your insight!

James

[jfgk1987 303]

My husband is Korean and I'm a mix of Black, Puerto Rican, and Italian; despite being in NYC we still get stares, though part of the reason may be because I'm 6' and he's 6'4". I guess we'll never know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Umka36 781]

Often times people don't realize my wife and I are a couple when we are in a line at a store or movie. I don't take it personal, and often joke with the person once they realize their mistake. Can't blame folks when they may not be accustom to seeing a different combination of interracial couples. It's more common for Asian women with other race than the other way around.

[heo luoi 206]

I have an interesting experience in that we're same race but I'm not super fluent in language or really true native culture. So its still almost like mixed race which is a bit of an awkward feeling, almost as if i'm faking or not genuine. So to others growing up here I'm foreign but to her, I too am foreign. So being that middle layer gets a bit weird when things get blurry. We primarily communicate in fiance language til English can improve w/ practice over time. I think its kinda a mixed blessing as we're forced to choose words slowly and not rush to presume someone inherently understands your tone/intent. Forces you to clearly say your intent and not meander or insinuate, for which I for one am a huge fan of. I'm certainly not a fan of trying to read ones mind, particularly when it may run in a diff language/mindset.

Unfortunately sometimes I think fiance forgets that I self taught myself and takes for granted how much viet I know and gets a bit carried away / rushed. I think the key is to just embrace and appreciate whats different for what it is, from culture, language and backgrounds and try to see from the other perspective.

Its all good and I look forward to learning and the challenge.

[JamnSol 35]

I really appreciate the comments- Heo, I particularly like what you said about the language difficulties causing you to slow down and try to understand! I think it is one of the things that has made me really enjoy the relationship with my fiancée. We both realize that we occasionally have difficulties communicating, and rather than jump ahead to conclusions, we back up and re-explain.

It seems to be a quality that is lost on many Americans.

I've lived and traveled all over the world, I'm not new to standing out, I don't think it will bother me. What worries me more is some numbskull making rude comments and hurting my fiancées feelings. She's only ever left Cameroon once, to go to Italy, and she was quite a novelty there, well received, she loved it. I'm hoping she can have positive experiences here in the US as well.

Thanks again for all the comments!

[heo luoi 206]

Theres ignorant people for sure. But I dont really see unless you are in a very obscure area or just some dumb kids the liklyhood of you experiencing what I think you fear may be more commonplace. I would think pretty rare people would just verbally assault you for your ethnicity. Americans are accustomed to it, which I think most other areas just arent. People with racial issues are usually just annoyed by this or that. Theres so many immigrants here and 2nd generation, 3rd generations people are used to and it its not that different. People all different colors and mixed races....unless they hear an accent and stuff you dont know anything.

Some immigrants come to the States and burrow up and isolate them in their homes. they work and work and remit money home. Honestly I think the quality of life is worse then where they came from. there at least family /friends/culture. Here they just are a bank for family home. Thats no way to live. Go out, experience the culture here, where you live. Try all the different food. learn the language. Participate. People dont care where you came from or color then. I understand people miss their culture and stuff and try to preserve their identity and pride at home and stuff. But you cant just isolate yourself in your old world ...here.

Some people have an aversion to people with poor english skills just cause they are uncomfortable with the difficulty in understanding each other. Honestly I think ones ability to speak english is more important than skin color or race to people. People have stereotypes and some assumptions but I dont think they keep those things private to themselves and their friends unless something confrontational. If people make a concerted effort to learn the language I think that goes a LONG way. Americans are also more prone to understanding poor english than if i were to travel to another county to speak in a non english country. They dont get many people that dont speak the language so they are not used to hearing immigrants and tonal differences as much as Americans are generally used to it.

If you are just minding your own business I would find it extremely unlikely anyone would know your Cameroonian or anything or care....certainly wouldnt do or say anything about it for no reason. Mixed race couples is nothing to concern either. Very little is taboo in US anymore. Be happy w/ yourselves and things will take care of themselves. Dont worry about what other people will think, i mean... who cares?

Again I am very aware these are just broad generalizations of my own. No malice or offense intended to anyone. We are all friends (until we're not )

PS in addition CA in general is well known for being overall a rather liberal and tolerant area and from immigration standpoint I really dont see how its relevant at all as almost virtually by the nature of immigration inherently mixed race.

Edited November 6, 2015 by heo luoi

[jimmynug 13]

Being a white/black relationship, I can see where there would be more stupid looks and comments than with white/other races, and most of this is always kept at the front by the media. However, most people won't give it a second thought because they really don't care. I would just warn her ahead of time that it could happen and help her work thru it when it does happen. Now guessing at your age, if you decide to have children, that is when the fun really starts and you are the one that has to be really for it.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

Personally, my wife and I have embraced our mixed race relationship. Truthfully, before my life with her in the US started about 4 months ago, I never gave mixed race couples a second thought and rarely a second glance. This might stem from being called the least observant man in America. Nevertheless, once she got here I became much more observant of other mixed race couples. Here in New Mexico we have Anglos with Latinos, Anglos with Native Americans, Latinos with Native Americans, and many other combinations albeit in much smaller proportion. One of the reasons I love New Mexico is that people are pretty relaxed about such things overall.

One of the reasons we're relaxed about all of this is that I've visited her in Colombia and Panama over a dozen times. As a mixed race couple, we stand out a little more down in Latin America than we do here, especially since her English is far better than my Spanish.

I think your approach is a good one, especially with ESL. My wife is enjoying her ESL class. By the way, look into all of the programs in your local area for price and content. Here a local community college offers ESL for $25 per quarter - it's basically free and the 25 covers books and materials. And she gets to refine her English not only with other Latinos but also with people from Nigeria, Thailand and other places. Her teacher is actually from South Africa, originally.

Good luck with your marriage. I have several friends from Cameroon - both from the French part and English part of the country. Very nice people. My niece also did a 2.5 year Peace Corps stint there.

And finally, I can report that there are some situations you should consider in a mixed race relationship, especially with a dark skinned wife. First, many people will approach her initially and assume she's African-American. Once she responds and has a clear accent, that won't necessarily cause them to back off and in fact, might cause the person to re-double their efforts to engage with her. Your wife might be cool with this to varying degrees but she needs to be cautious. As an American man, you know the behaviors of other American men. You especially have to watch for these situations when you're at night clubs. Just make sure your wife is comfortable and feels secure in these type of social situations. You don't want to smother her but you don't want to give her so much space that she starts feeling insecure.

I'm sure you'll do fine and it'll be an adventure for the both of you. Best of luck!

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

I think its kinda a mixed blessing as we're forced to choose words slowly and not rush to presume someone inherently understands your tone/intent. Forces you to clearly say your intent and not meander or insinuate, for which I for one am a huge fan of. I'm certainly not a fan of trying to read ones mind, particularly when it may run in a diff language/mindset.

I really appreciate the comments- Heo, I particularly like what you said about the language difficulties causing you to slow down and try to understand! I think it is one of the things that has made me really enjoy the relationship with my fiancée. We both realize that we occasionally have difficulties communicating, and rather than jump ahead to conclusions, we back up and re-explain.

It seems to be a quality that is lost on many Americans.

Exactly! I am surprised I don't hear more of these type of comments in this forum. One of the best things about an international relationship is it forces you to listen much more intently to your partner and do away with making assumptions or relying on any stereotype. Forget about trying to read your partner's mind. If you want to make an international relationship work, you can't be jumping to conclusions all the time, or really any of the time.

One of the things that I am constantly surprised about in this forum is how impatient people are in getting through the immigration process. Six or twelve months apart has been characterized as torture to some of the posters here. But do they have any clue on how patient they will have to be once they are living with their spouse? I wonder. The patience they have to have for the immigration process is the tip of the iceberg compared to the overall patience they'll have to have to make their relationships work.