Separation desparation

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Keeping busy is a key factor, imo. My husband was a wreak after he lost his job last spring. He had nothing to do until he got a new one, and he was feeling the effects of separation more drastically while unemployed. Now, back at work, he is a different person, much happier and less dependent on me for assurance. I think that men, in particular, define themselves by what they do. With nothing to do, they are a mess.

[Aymerlu 3]

I guess I'm one of the gals that almost went crazy during the time we were apart. From start to finish we were apart for 14 months which I know is not long compared to some others. I did everything imaginable to keep myself busy and TRY to make the time go by faster, but dang it...I was away from the man I love and I wanted to be with him!!! Not to mention I had a couple of major events happen that made me want and need him here with me even more. He was actually having problems as well. Him wanting to be with me to help me and it was totally impossible for him to visit me. They don't exactly had out those visitors visas much in Egypt ya know. Anyhow, I know everyone handles separation differently, for us as a couple though, we did not handle that time apart well. We thank God every day that we're together now.

[RosaMystica7 0]

From start to finish we were apart for 14 months which I know is not long compared to some others.

I don't think I've met someone who was apart for the same amount of months as us before. It'll probably end up being 14.5 by the time we're together, if we can put together moving him here in 2 weeks like we want to. Just one of those funny "hey we have that in common" things.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I agree whole heartedly with the first part. As for how I post, I know darn well that if I didn't say "no offense", offense would be taken. But, I don't hold myself responsible for the easy offense people often take to innocuous comments that are neither condensending, short sighted or rude, but only perceived to be so by the reader.

Sorry, but I can't help but notice how different I am from many here; no constantly trying hard involved. I may as well go with it and enjoy it in the present! No offense taken; amateur psychoanalysis is always interesting, if not particularly useful.

FYI...saying 'no offense' doesn't remove the offense from the statement. Everyone's different in his/her approach...and one isn't 'better' than another.

You may feel you're different, and that's all well and good. On this instance however, there seems to be quite a few ppl who agree with you...so how 'different' are you? I think constantly bringing up 'oh I'm so different' is somehow trying to put yourself above the norm and differentiate why you're 'better'. This is obviously my inference into what you write, but I feel fairly confident in my opinion. I'm really not trying to pick a fight with you, because I do happen to think you're a reasonably intelligent woman with a strong personality & you have no problems expressing yourself. However, I just think sometimes you come off as trying to make yourself appear that you're better than others in your mindset.

Like 'oh lookit me how non-needy I am as opposed to the rest of you weak saddos'

food for thought. *shrug* or not...whatever!

Thank you for the feedback, Lisa. However, no one is more aware of how people respond to me than I am. I don't invest much in it. I see the complaints about my style as subjective and simply part of the landscape to navigate around. There is no way I will please everyone, so why try? It's more about their perception of me than the reality of me, and I'm fine with that. Being here is not a popularity contest in my mind.

[Mags 112]

I missed my fiance an incredible amount, but I'm a tough cookie and I just got on with my life. I knew we would be together eventually so I didn't see the point of stressing 24 hours a day about the distance. I love him an incredible amount, but I still had a life to lead in the UK at the time.

I had a full time job, a child to look after and a house to run.

Moping is counter productive IMO. You just get wrapped up in sadness and that doesn't do anyone any good. Sadness breeds sadness and depression and you can get caught up in a vicious circle.

I'm not the most patient person in the world, I admit that, but we were apart and I just dealt with it. I also knew that I wouldn't be in the UK for much longer...so I made the most of the place. I went and saw places I had not been to, I became a tourist and saw the sights of London etc etc

I didn't want the memories of my last few months in the UK to be bad, so I embraced it and had fun.

That's exactly our opinion about David being in the UK now....he's become a footy hooligan (jk). But in all seriousness...as much as sometimes it annoys me that we have very little time together...I encourage him to go to the matches (SAFC) cos he's a lifelong fan, and they're having a groundbreaking season now with Quinny and Keano....so I want him to enjoy every bit of it that he can.

And I'm always encouraging him to go out with his marras, go to gigs/etc. It's hard sometimes for me on the other end of it but I just try to remember that next year he won't have it, so I don't want him to regret not doing anything.

That's the way to handle it I reckon. The UK is where I was born, it is MY country however much I love being in the USA. I knew I wouldn't be returning for a while so I used my remaining time there to the max. Your David is doing the right thing too IMO. When those footie matches are no longer an option at least he can't think "I wish I'd been to a couple more matches" etc etc

[tnh9479 1]

I don't think it is "needy" to miss one's husband. If you marry for love, I feel it is natural to miss your spouse when they are away (whether it be days, weeks, or months). The extent to how intensely someone exhibits this truly depends on their personality and circumstances.

I already miss my husband and he left for a two week trip this morning. He felt the same way when I left for a week last year to visit my family. It happens to both sexes, I just wonder how much men admit to it in public.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

From start to finish we were apart for 14 months which I know is not long compared to some others.

I don't think I've met someone who was apart for the same amount of months as us before. It'll probably end up being 14.5 by the time we're together, if we can put together moving him here in 2 weeks like we want to. Just one of those funny "hey we have that in common" things.

It's been almost 6 years since we met, two years since we married. Most of that time has been separation. Persoanly, I think I had some other issues to occupy me, including guilt around my children and my deceased spouse. It's since settled into something more serene, and perhaps settling those issues has made the rest of the journey less of an event. I know I'm not on this path alone because its outcome affect both of us.

[KarenCee 3]

I agree whole heartedly with the first part. As for how I post, I know darn well that if I didn't say "no offense", offense would be taken. But, I don't hold myself responsible for the easy offense people often take to innocuous comments that are neither condensending, short sighted or rude, but only perceived to be so by the reader.

Sorry, but I can't help but notice how different I am from many here; no constantly trying hard involved. I may as well go with it and enjoy it in the present! No offense taken; amateur psychoanalysis is always interesting, if not particularly useful.

FYI...saying 'no offense' doesn't remove the offense from the statement. Everyone's different in his/her approach...and one isn't 'better' than another.

You may feel you're different, and that's all well and good. On this instance however, there seems to be quite a few ppl who agree with you...so how 'different' are you? I think constantly bringing up 'oh I'm so different' is somehow trying to put yourself above the norm and differentiate why you're 'better'. This is obviously my inference into what you write, but I feel fairly confident in my opinion. I'm really not trying to pick a fight with you, because I do happen to think you're a reasonably intelligent woman with a strong personality & you have no problems expressing yourself. However, I just think sometimes you come off as trying to make yourself appear that you're better than others in your mindset.

Like 'oh lookit me how non-needy I am as opposed to the rest of you weak saddos'

food for thought. *shrug* or not...whatever!

Thank you for the feedback, Lisa. However, no one is more aware of how people respond to me than I am. I don't invest much in it. I see the complaints about my style as subjective and simply part of the landscape to navigate around. There is no way I will please everyone, so why try? It's more about their perception of me than the reality of me, and I'm fine with that. Being here is not a popularity contest in my mind.

You know, it seems that you actually enjoy saying things that you know people will respond to negatively. I've never understood why some people do that. Are you using all these negatives for some sort of research? Does it help you feel better to "stand out" as different, or odd? I tell my students that bullies tend to be that way to others only to make themselves feel better. Not that I'm saying you're a bully by no means, it was used as an example. If it helps your self esteem to be so condescending to most everyone on here, well, that's rather sad.

You do understand that what you say and how you say it does affect how you are perceived, not only here but in every facet of life. I'm an oddball too, but I don't go around crowing about it. I don't push my eccentricities out there and try to generate responses. I don't need responses, negative or positive, to build up my self esteem. Then again, I'm just a lowly teacher, not the highly qualified professional you apparently are.

Now, with that being said, I was not wringing my hands or losing sleep during the separation. I missed him dreadfully of course and he felt the same. Neither of us went ballistic. We dealt with it. I do remember close to getting the NOA2 having a moment of frustration as I saw others fly by us with approvals. But he's here, we're married and waiting out namecheck hell for AOS together.

"Teaching is the essential profession, the one that makes all other professions possible." - David Hasselkorn

[Caladan 19]

Is it men that take the separation harder, or women? Or do their styles differ considerably?

Hang on, one of my eyes just got stuck rolling. <schnopp> there we go.

I have found this process stressful, but the wait hasn't been bad. We've been together for a while before filing, and it's always been a long distance relationship. If you think about it, on that front, little has changed except that State and DHS have been processing paperwork behind the scenes. So it's not like we went into this thinking 'we've met twice, let's get on with our lives hurry hurry.' It's pretty much more of the same, with more paperwork.

In the time since we've met he's taken a new job and been promoted, and I've nearly finished a Ph.D. But you know, I still miss him, I still wish he were here, and I'm really annoyed that we are likely to be apart on my birthday for the fourth year running.

There's a ground between 'i am a tough woman of steel with no girly emotions I despise so the boys will like me' and 'i can't leave the computer because my life is on hold', and I think most of us fall in there somewhere. If you don't miss your husband at all, that would seem to me perhaps not a sign that you're not serious, but that when he arrives fitting him into your life might be more challenging.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Some people seem to enjoy commenting on me rather than on the subject matter. I find that odd. I don't see myself the way some here do, and have a totally different and satisfying life away from here. So what happens here is only a blip on the radar, and a temporary one at that.

Thank for your contribution!

[ELW 5]

It's been almost 6 years since we met, two years since we married. Most of that time has been separation.

Oh that's painful! I can relate. We first met 13 years ago, became close friends 9 years ago, and it has been 18 months since I returned from India. Even in India we lived in different cities (couldn't obtain employment in the same area) so we were apart most of the time too, only short visits several times a year. Hoping all goes well and maybe in a couple of months we will finally be together... best wishes for you guys, too!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Thank you, ELW! I certainly wish the same for you both!

[KarenCee 3]

Some people seem to enjoy commenting on me rather than on the subject matter. I find that odd. I don't see myself the way some here do, and have a totally different and satisfying life away from here. So what happens here is only a blip on the radar, and a temporary one at that.

Thank for your contribution!

You are most welcome, as always!

[Caladan 19]

Some people seem to enjoy commenting on me rather than on the subject matter. I find that odd. I don't see myself the way some here do, and have a totally different and satisfying life away from here. So what happens here is only a blip on the radar, and a temporary one at that.

Thank for your contribution!

You do make yourself the subject of nearly everything you post. Whether it's the clique out to get you, or your insistance that men like you because you are tough and not girly like those other despisable women, and your bizarre belief that you can take on 'no offense' or 'I'm not PC' and that means you're not being insulting.

You're -- or I should say your persona is -- sort of a curiosity, because nearly everything you post has this undercurrent of 'i'm not like *them*', and for someone who has a deep and satisfying life away from here, you seem to have an awful lot bound up in proving that you're not like all these other women.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Some people seem to enjoy commenting on me rather than on the subject matter. I find that odd. I don't see myself the way some here do, and have a totally different and satisfying life away from here. So what happens here is only a blip on the radar, and a temporary one at that.

Thank for your contribution!

I don't find that odd at all. Because, you're always commenting on yourself. Like, constantly.

And for some reason, you're always reassuring us that you have a totally different and satisfying life outside of VJ. Why is that?

Are you admitting you're putting on a show? Acting differently from who you really are? I mean, I understand that this is an online community, not quite the same as a knitting club but we are all real people behind our little screens.

So what is it? Are you really that different as you always say you are or are you pretending to have a tough momma online persona?

You're welcome for my contribution.