Separation desparation

[RosaMystica7 0]

Thr trick is not to be "a mess" both at the same time. Better to take turns so the "strong" one at the moment can comfort the one having a difficult time. IMO its normal to have moments of difficulty, and everyone has different levels of messiness.

soooo true. usually thats how its been. him a mess. me strong and supporitve. me a mess, him strong. oh boy i hope we never are a mess at the same time! heheehe

We've both been a mess at the same time and let me tell you, you don't want to try it! It's a rough combination. He wants me to help him, I want him to help me, he pulls the attention back on him, I want the attention on me... we both focus on ourselves instead of the other, then we feel like the other doesn't love us because they're not helping us when we need it. When we get upset like that we don't think straight. Together the solution would be a hug. Apart... the only solution is for one of us to snap out of it, which can be so hard to do sometimes.

Anothe poster on an earlier thread stated that the longer it takes, the more anxiety lessens. What thoughts about that?

I'd say yes and no. In a way, I've gotten used to it. It's been like this for 14 months... one more month will seem like nothing compared to it. While in the beginning it was really, really hard on me. I'd say the opposite for my fiance. He was still holding onto "we'll see each other soon." Now that it's been 14 months he's starting to dispair, "maybe we won't ever see each other again!"

[Sofiyya 1,687]

It's good to know that there are a range of ways to deal with the separation. I suppose that the moe stoic among us express our feelings about this less often or not at all. I relate to so much of what has been said here, and I appreciate the positive feedback!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Dup

Edited March 3, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[Sofiyya 1,687]

BTW, this is meant to be a light thread. No need for heavy offensiveness.

Edited March 3, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[bostonparis 0]

I read alot of posts about how stressed out people are, how the wait and separation is killing them, and how they can't stand to be apart. I'm not like that, not because I don't love and miss my hubby, but, I'm just not that emotional or needy (no offense intended to those who are).

Any more taking the wait in stride, or am I an oddball (as I've been told frequently)?

I think it's great that you don't want to be with your husband, and that you're happy alone. For you. To each his own.

I'm content while I wait, I know I have a lot to do before he gets here, I don't cry about him not being here because I know eventually he will be. (In 1.5 months!)

But to demean people in the condescending way that you do (often, by the way), seems to me that you think you are ordinary, and try to stand out. It's sad, but I think it's just your personality. I know people like you (that I used to be friends with), but honestly, it's exhausting to listen to someone talk about how much of an individual they are. ALL the time!! LOL!!

When you can't say anything nice, it's best not to say anything at all. You must be stressed out, depressed, and acting out alleviates your pain for a while. It's ok, I can take it! Have one on me!

Oh, you po' thing! (See, it's nice, I have sympathy for ya!) It's okay, your hubby will be here soon enough. Don't cry!

[Cassie 8]

I personally tolerated the process pretty well, because I kept myself busy and didn't dwell on stuff that was completely out of my control -- I knew I was dealing with government! I worked lots, I planned and prepared for my wedding lots, and deliberately kept myself from checking my status on the USCIS website 20 times a day -- who needs the mental torture?

Jerry, on the other hand, had a hard time with the wait. He tends to be an impatient person when it comes to things he really, REALLY wants, so this drove him crazy but we dealt with it.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Is it men that take the separation harder, or women? Or do their styles differ considerably?

[RosaMystica7 0]

You might want to make a poll about that in the general polls section. I think that'd make a good one, "who's dealing/dealt with the seperation worse in your relationship, the woman or the man?"

Edited March 3, 2007 by Angilla

[Alex+R 0]

Is it men that take the separation harder, or women? Or do their styles differ considerably?

Individuals take things differently regardless of gender?

[Sofiyya 1,687]

It's a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" question

You might want to make a poll about that in the general polls section. I think that'd make a good one, "who's dealing/dealt with the seperation worse in your relationship, the woman or the man?"

Good idea! I'll bet it's been done.

[mmb 0]

BTW, this is meant to be a light thread. No need for heavy offensiveness.

Light hearted mocking offensiveness is always more fun.

[Fandango 1,439]

I missed my fiance an incredible amount, but I'm a tough cookie and I just got on with my life. I knew we would be together eventually so I didn't see the point of stressing 24 hours a day about the distance. I love him an incredible amount, but I still had a life to lead in the UK at the time.

I had a full time job, a child to look after and a house to run.

Moping is counter productive IMO. You just get wrapped up in sadness and that doesn't do anyone any good. Sadness breeds sadness and depression and you can get caught up in a vicious circle.

I'm not the most patient person in the world, I admit that, but we were apart and I just dealt with it. I also knew that I wouldn't be in the UK for much longer...so I made the most of the place. I went and saw places I had not been to, I became a tourist and saw the sights of London etc etc

I didn't want the memories of my last few months in the UK to be bad, so I embraced it and had fun.

That's exactly our opinion about David being in the UK now....he's become a footy hooligan (jk). But in all seriousness...as much as sometimes it annoys me that we have very little time together...I encourage him to go to the matches (SAFC) cos he's a lifelong fan, and they're having a groundbreaking season now with Quinny and Keano....so I want him to enjoy every bit of it that he can.

And I'm always encouraging him to go out with his marras, go to gigs/etc. It's hard sometimes for me on the other end of it but I just try to remember that next year he won't have it, so I don't want him to regret not doing anything.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

BTW, this is meant to be a light thread. No need for heavy offensiveness.

Light hearted mocking offensiveness is always more fun.

Clearly

[ELW 5]

Anothe poster on an earlier thread stated that the longer it takes, the more anxiety lessens. What thoughts about that?

I was just thinking that, as I read all the other posts. Of course everyone is different, but I couldn’t retain the same high level of ulcer-causing anxiety for soooo long. It gradually turned into a background dull ache. HOWEVER now that we have our NOA2 and the file is practically at the Consulate, again I'm starting to build up that intense anxiety and anticipation, because the end may be in sight!

[Fandango 1,439]

I agree whole heartedly with the first part. As for how I post, I know darn well that if I didn't say "no offense", offense would be taken. But, I don't hold myself responsible for the easy offense people often take to innocuous comments that are neither condensending, short sighted or rude, but only perceived to be so by the reader.

Sorry, but I can't help but notice how different I am from many here; no constantly trying hard involved. I may as well go with it and enjoy it in the present! No offense taken; amateur psychoanalysis is always interesting, if not particularly useful.

FYI...saying 'no offense' doesn't remove the offense from the statement. Everyone's different in his/her approach...and one isn't 'better' than another.

You may feel you're different, and that's all well and good. On this instance however, there seems to be quite a few ppl who agree with you...so how 'different' are you? I think constantly bringing up 'oh I'm so different' is somehow trying to put yourself above the norm and differentiate why you're 'better'. This is obviously my inference into what you write, but I feel fairly confident in my opinion. I'm really not trying to pick a fight with you, because I do happen to think you're a reasonably intelligent woman with a strong personality & you have no problems expressing yourself. However, I just think sometimes you come off as trying to make yourself appear that you're better than others in your mindset.

Like 'oh lookit me how non-needy I am as opposed to the rest of you weak saddos'

food for thought. *shrug* or not...whatever!

Edited March 3, 2007 by LisaD