Regret bringing spouse to the US...horrible marriage!

[cokelili 3]

Have you both gotten to have a talk and sit down as to what is bothering each of you?

From what I read, he became this way once he arrived into the states.

If he does not have any manly responsibilities, what is he doing for you?

Maybe that is the root of his problem.

But have you both talked about how you each feel?

Yes, we've talked on numerous occasions, he promises things will get better but it simply gets worst. No, he does nothing for me. I understand that he's new to the US and it's a big adjustment so I don't expect him to be totally established in just a few months.

I thank you for your response!

[cokelili 3]

Seem there is no immigration issue, but you can ask a question in the forum what can be done

I say stop by your local police station ask them if he can be taped making terroristic threats about

about chopping & shooting folks along with the verbal abuse in the home with a minor, If

its okay to tape him do so smartly and have him removed from the home by the cops since the child

is not in a safe environment, then take out a RO an file for a divorce.

I hope many read this ...take time to know a person, I still cant wrap my head around ppl getting marry

after meeting once (not saying you did) I hope you did not put his name on your home on car titles

let him move on, love dont live there anymore...You will find someone else.

If he's not into working he is a financial responsibility of yours even after divorce, but verbal abuse leads to

other abuses so don't take that chance, you don't have to sell your home you just have to be firm , put an alarm

in, & stay in touch with your local police...if he'll harm you then with or without him you are not safe

You're absolutely correct, verbal abuse can lead to other forms of abuse.

Thank you for your support!

File for a divorce if you have exhausted all avenues for reconciliation. You can also file for a restraining order if you fear for your safety. A background check doesn't tell us about mood swings or tantrums that is why people should use the USCIS/embassy processing delays to actually visit (multiple times if financially possible) intending partners and cohabit with these folks for an extended period. Face-booking and skyping is cute but cohabitation is where the rubber meets the road. I hope you are aware that your obligation under i-864 doesn't terminate with a divorce. Good luck in your future endeavor.

Thank you for mentioning the I-864, I must refer to this. Also, thank you for your support!

[cokelili 3]

why doesn't he have any responsibility? he doesn't work and you are paying for him to abuse you?

No, he doesn't work but yet he's walking around like he's the boss of my house. Sorry, as he would say since we are married, it's our house - unbelievable.

Thank you for your response!

[cokelili 3]

If it is that serious then you should file a restraining order and have him serve with the order. Have you try to go for marriage counseling? Are you guys Christians? If you are maybe you should talk to your pastor or other spiritual advisor/elders in the church. I know some times if men are not the bread winners in the marriage they will feel inferior and frustrated and they tend to mask that by resorting to abusive behaviors. He might also just going through an adjustment period. Couple counseling might help.

You raised a few important points. First of all, I am a Christian he claims to be a Christian yet the behavior he displays is the absolute opposite. I do know that a major issue for him is the fact that he is not working and he's always been very intimidated because of my financial status and accomplishments. We've had many arguments about this. The adjustment stage is questionable. Couples counseling is a possibility and last resort.

Thank you so much!

[tomyka81 95]

I married my spouse in May of 2013, I immediately filed for him to come to the US. I spent approximately $6,000 on lawyer fees, travel expenses etc. he arrived to the US the last week of January 2015 by mid February I saw signs of abuse (verbal). Since January to now September 2015, I have encountered lots of verbal abuse from this man, he's very hot tempered, he's disrespectful to my 9 year old grand daughter everything seems to get him upset (ex. turning on the bedroom light to look for my earrings while he's asleep) yet I pay the mortgage, the car payments, all the bills etc. he has no responsibilities, yet he's always stressed and upset. He's not physically abused but I see it coming. Also, if someone makes him mad, he has a habit of saying that he's going to shoot or chop them into pieces. Anyway, he has not been physically abusive to me, at least not yet but he knows when he does the cops will be called immediately at least if I live to dial 911.

I would rather be single that to be in such a horrible marriage. I've accomplished so much for myself to have someone come into my life and bring me down this way. I'm very attractive woman (not bragging) but I'm saying this because I don't want anyone to think that I'm insecure and have low self esteem therefore I'm putting up with this man's foolishness, that's not it at all. I've tried to save the marriage but now I've realized this is not a marriage and it's time for me to get out. I'm ready for a divorce but first I need to get this man out of my house but I really don't know where to begin. I feel if I kick him out, he will then physically hurt me.

To those who have filed for a spouse please be sure you take the time to know the person well, if you can, conduct a thorough background check. Though a background check is not guaranteed, it helps. I can go on and on but I don't want to bore anyone, I'm desperately ready to get out of this marriage.

Can someone please give me a little advise!

Thanks

I think part of his problem is that he isn't working. Some men from other countries view their manhood by being able to provide. When you mentioned that he would chop people to peices, I chuckled a little. My neighbor across the street is from the carribean and my dog used to love going in his yard. He told me to keep my dog in my yard before he eats her. For the longest time, I thought that he was serious. lol I mean years, I thought that his man was crazy. come to find out from the entire neighborhood that is one of the nicest people. His wife sings his praises. His step kids and step grandkids adore him. I think these foreign men are much much different than American men. Some american men can loaf around and not work and be just content with you bringing home the bacon. That eats as the masculinity of some of these foreign men. I am sure that he constantly says that you are controlling and don't respect him? Is that what he tells you? He probably takes any disagreement from you as a sign that you think you are the boss becasue you are the one wiht the money and that he should bow to you? If you have heard this, it is probably that he isn't working and is financially insecure and thinks there is a role reversal going on. Just my two cent.

Oh and that extremely loud tone and volume isn't yelling. Other cultures are more "free" or expressive that we are. We are quiet because if we raise our voice we consider it yelling. THey raise their voice, it isn't demanding or controlling, they just want to be heard cause usually they all talk at the same time. lol

Edited September 22, 2015 by tomyka81

[tomyka81 95]

No, he doesn't work but yet he's walking around like he's the boss of my house. Sorry, as he would say since we are married, it's our house - unbelievable.

Thank you for your response!

:-) but it is your house together, just do not put his name on the deed and get a post nup. Certainly get a post nup if you think things will get worse. Yo uare established and could end up paying spousal support to him. Remember a post nup has to be in effect one year before it is good to use.

[JoBri 548]

I dont think I would wait around to see if things get better when they say "shoot or chop them into pieces". That is scarey to me. And I agree with others that it would be a good thing to see if police or even a trusted friend or a pastor could be there with you when you ask him to leave. I really dont know how that goes about asking someone to leave who is your spouse though, and I would ask help from either a lawyer or a shelter for women in your area exactly what to do and what is legally allowed.

You do not have to divorce if you do not want to. You can just have a little time apart too, if you want to try to work on the marriage with him. If you want to seek counseling, that would be a good thing. But I think a seperation is in order, considering the violent expressions he is prone to make. After counseling, if things work out for good, then that is a good thing. But no need to put your life even in POSSIBLE danger while trying to fix things.

Have you both gotten to have a talk and sit down as to what is bothering each of you?

From what I read, he became this way once he arrived into the states.

If he does not have any manly responsibilities, what is he doing for you?

Maybe that is the root of his problem.

But have you both talked about how you each feel?

Edited September 22, 2015 by JoBri

[Arslan12 20]

ARSLAN12 age, race, gender, sex life has anything to do with abusive behavior. I urge that you inform yourself about abuse ,and you do not have to watch my conferences to learn about it, remember google is your friend! . She described an abusive husband and you come here with a stupid theory, to say the least, to blame the victim.Shame on you!

What? age, race, gender and sexual orientation* , sex life doesn't go with those terms mentioned in your post. Sex life is a completely different thing than the orientation. And yes I agree that she is not to be blamed. I didn't blame her, I was talking about their relationship. In my post i only mentioned one of the reasons of why he would change all of the sudden. If he is not satisfied and is frustrated, then he would react to it in a different way than a normal person would. If they are not close to each other in that way, then it will cause problems.

I am sure i am not the only one who thought about the age factor !

[deleted this acco 44]

The man needs to be a man and get a job. That's why he may be violent due to feeling inadequate. I hope you stay safe.

[Ontarkie 14,226]

Not having a job is not what is making him abusive.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Ontarkie

[TBoneTX 45,301]

A post has been edited and returned to the thread (after removal of a portion that violated the VJ Terms of Service), as follows:

Read up on abuse and learn what it's really about.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

WOW and WOW.... It's unbelievable that people think that some

What? age, race, gender and sexual orientation* , sex life doesn't go with those terms mentioned in your post. Sex life is a completely different thing than the orientation. And yes I agree that she is not to be blamed. I didn't blame her, I was talking about their relationship. In my post i only mentioned one of the reasons of why he would change all of the sudden. If he is not satisfied and is frustrated, then he would react to it in a different way than a normal person would. If they are not close to each other in that way, then it will cause problems.

I am sure i am not the only one who thought about the age factor !

sex orientation? what are you talking about man? I did not mention sex orientation whatsoever.The nonsense continues, well I rest my case.

[nane1104 146]

Not having a job, adjusting to a new life,... Can make someone unhappy but it doesn't cause violence- unless someone is violent anyway.

[bronco37 16]

Restraining order is the most abused process that, ironically, is in place to prevent/stop abuse. Please don't go for seeking an RO if you don't need to. It simply destroys lives and clogs the justice system even further. Just file for divorce and get on with your own lives.

[Ontarkie 14,226]

~~ A few inappropriate post removed. Along with posst questioning that post and the replies. Stick to answering the OP's question or do not post.~~