Regret bringing spouse to the US...horrible marriage!

[CallMeShams 34]

So if I may offer an opinion.

When I married my wife and first brought her over, I was very hot-tempered. I often rose my voice to her and snapped at her over the littlest things.

At the time I could not explain why I did it. Our situation was reversed; I was the one who worked and paid all the bills and stuff, she was not employed.

But early last year, I had an epiphany after a particularly bad spat; it had nothing to do with her.

My whole life, I had had things for the most part my way. I was used to doing things my way, I was used to living alone, having my own schedule etc. And then she moved in and, even though I was (and still am) madly head over heals in love with her, all of that got interrupted. She wants to go shopping? We JUST spent $50 on groceries! She wanted to talk to me? Come ON, we just talked five minutes ago! Why don't I try it another way? I have MY way! Etc.

Yes, we both put a lot of work into the relationship and into getting her over here, but it wasn't until she was there, in person, every single day, 24/7/365 did anything start to get rough.

Here's what I'm suggesting to you, because it worked for me: sit him down. Tell him how you feel. Be as honest as humanly able. Pour your heart out. If he loves you, if he cares for you, he WILL get his act together. It will not happen all at once, there may be stumbles along the way. As long as those stumbles do not involve violence, be patient with him.

But if he does not, well, then I fear it may not be meant to be.

Men are sefish animals. Sometimes we're hard to break in that regard, and yes, sometimes it takes a little tough love, but it can still work. Obviously, if it turns physically violent, or if his verbal abuse continues, you will need to remove yourself. But until then, that's what I suggest.

My humble opinion.

I appreciate the candor in your post. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Hope the original poster will take this into consideration.

[madtownguy 164]

I personally don't think someone saying they are going to shoot you or cut you into pieces means anything unless you think they are capable. My wife says crazy stuff like that all the time, it's a different culture and depends on how you were raised. My parents would sometimes say, I could just shoot you when you do this or that, but I was raised with no guns in the house so to me it never meant anything. Everything today is too damn PC, if you're worried about someone harming you purchase a gun. You can get a restraining order but that's the problem with our system you can get one of those for pretty much anything. If he hasn't laid a hand on you or made physically dominating movements then most likely he is all talk. My wife is been threatening to cut my balls of for years, I still have them and have no worried of them going anywhere any time soon.

[Sandra G. 5,047]

ARSLAN12 age, race, gender, sex life has anything to do with abusive behavior. I urge that you inform yourself about abuse ,and you do not have to watch my conferences to learn about it, remember google is your friend! . She described an abusive husband and you come here with a stupid theory, to say the least, to blame the victim.Shame on you!

[Daisy.Chain 317]

I'm sure you already know about how stressful adjustment in a new culture, new situation, new family, new language and new EVERYTHING can be. There is no excuse for his behavior, but perhaps you could give it more time? Sit down with some counselors and have some talks and slow steps? It has to be frustrating in a totally new culture where he (and in some cultures, especially as a man) is not responsible for anything. Is there any way for you to give some of the responsibility over to him so that he has something to shoulder?

Good luck..I hope you find what you're looking for!

[cokelili 3]

Feeling bad for you. Don't know much about it but I guess some senior will shine some light and help u

Thank you!

[cokelili 3]

I'm sure you already know about how stressful adjustment in a new culture, new situation, new family, new language and new EVERYTHING can be. There is no excuse for his behavior, but perhaps you could give it more time? Sit down with some counselors and have some talks and slow steps? It has to be frustrating in a totally new culture where he (and in some cultures, especially as a man) is not responsible for anything. Is there any way for you to give some of the responsibility over to him so that he has something to shoulder?

Good luck..I hope you find what you're looking for!

Hi Daisy,

You're absolutely right, this is a new experience, new culture for him but this is getting ridiculous we have sat down and had many discussions and it's one apology after the next. Giving him more responsibilities is a really good idea,

Thank you for your concern!

[cokelili 3]

ARSLAN12 age, race, gender, sex life has anything to do with abusive behavior. I urge that you inform yourself about abuse ,and you do not have to watch my conferences to learn about it, remember google is your friend! . She described an abusive husband and you come here with a stupid theory, to say the least, to blame the victim.Shame on you!

Thank you Sandra!

[cokelili 3]

I appreciate the candor in your post. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Hope the original poster will take this into consideration.

Hi Shams,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my dilemma. I've have done the following so often, now I'm absolutely exhausted.

sit him down - I've done this on many occasions

Tell him how you feel - I've done this on many occasions

Be as honest - I've done this on many occasions

Pour your heart out - I've done this on many occasions

He continuously promise that things will get better and it doesn't which is typical of many. I have only reached out to one of my closest friends about this relationship but after yesterday... yelling and threatening while I was driving on the highway, I felt like I've had enough. But where do I start? this is what I've been asking myself.

Thank you again for responding!

[cokelili 3]

Agreeing with this.

It's not even an immigration thing, but an abuser thing. There's a reason that most people who end up being abused in a relationship say they didn't know s/he was like that. The ones that knew and stayed tend to blame themselves and keep staying.

But it is entirely possible for someone to control themselves enough for long enough to tie someone down, and then show their true colors. True colors aren't always shown before marriage, some people choose to show them after marriage and living together because it's not as simple to leave/kick someone out when you're married. There have literally been cases where people have had the most beautiful dating and engaged life, where people would envy the relationship, only to have the husband (rarely wife) become physically abusive THE NIGHT of the wedding and then continue that pattern.

Serve him with divorce papers and tell him he needs to leave. You may not be able to get a restraining order if he's never hit you even though you may think he will, if you want, call the police and ask them to escort ya'll to a safe location, serve the divorce papers, and have the locks changed WHILE you're at this meeting (as long as his names not on the house you can do this).

If his name isn't on anything, then he has no right to any of it once you kick him out. Have his things packed, and while with the police serving papers, make a time with both the police and him to pick his stuff up, so the police are there to make sure there is no ruckuss. If he shows up at your house after he has picked up his things, that's when you can get the restraining order, as he has no business there what so ever.

Wish you the best of luck and stay strong though this.

Wow!

You've made many great points such as, true colors aren't always shown before marriage. I'm just simply exhausted. Everything's in my name and I pay all the bills. Many might ask why am I still in this marriage? I'm afraid if I kick him out he will eventually hurt me also, by law I believe I'm obligated to be responsible for him due to the visa filing, at least this is what I believe. I plan doing my research regarding this matter.

Thank you again for your time!

Please know this. Depending on your state of residence you be living in a community property state and if you got married without any prenuptial agreement he may be entitled to 50 percent of your assets. As you said you have done well for yourself so it will be wise to seek an attorney so you can protect yourself and properties unless you are planning on giving him half of everything you own.

Thank you!

[cokelili 3]

She said she is paying on a mortgage. I hope in order to show the relationship is legit she did not add him on title to the property.

Absolutely not, his name is not listed on anything.

I am sorry for you, actually i am not experiencied but I hope you will find the right answer drom the others and find out the right decision.

Thank you!

[cokelili 3]

Most Trinidadian households are headed by females..so OP been the breadwinner may have nothing to do with Op's husband unless OP has been insinuating that he plays that role.

But if that is not the case then you have two options:

1. if you want to savage this relationship and you believe he is a good person but he is having adjustment issues, then get counseling.

OR

2. Get away from him.

Whatever decision you take, think about you and the child in the house.

Good luck!

Thank you!

Immediately call 1800 799 7233, national abuse hotline. You will be connected to a local family crisis center and they will help you and your family , protecting the life off the persons involved. WARNING: Under no circumstances should you let your spouse know that you are contacting a family crisis center. Abusive spouses usually get angry when they realize that that you are trying to get help. Good luck.......

Thank you so much!

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. Make sure you secure all your papers and paperwork; please let someone close to you know what's happening as well. I doubt you'd get a restraining order unless he actively threatened you, but inquiring about it might put you on the police radar, so at least they'd know there's a potential for trouble-making from your spouse. And file for that divorce....life's too short already. Good luck!

Thank you for the suggestions!

[cokelili 3]

A person to get a restraining order doesn't need to be physically hurt by the abuser, a verbal threat to hurt someone is enough to have a restraining order granted. The person must be afraid for her physical safety, and the fear must be based in something that the abuser threatened or did against the victim.

The most dangerous time for a victim is when she/he is trying to leave the abuser,because of that we do not advise the a victim to say to the abuser "I am leaving you", or " you must leave ", or even seat to "talk" about the relationship. The victim safety comes first than discussing the relationship with the abuser.

You have the option to call the cops and say that you fear for your life and you want your husband out of your house,but due his outburst/temper you need the cops to be with you when the abuser packs his belongs. Have a friend or any relative in the house with you when you tell him to get his ###### together because he has 30min to leave, as soon you say this to him go outside and call the cops, or go straight to the police station and ask their help when you wait your husband to leave the house.This option is considering you do not have his name on the deed.

Thank you for the suggestions!

[cokelili 3]

I'm sorry your dealing with this--this is VERY difficult. Check your state laws before "locking him out." Just because his name isn't on the house doesn't always mean you can just change the locks. Thats his home. I know thats very frustrating. I was lucky to be renting an apartment with the lease expiring soon. So I just got up an left. (This also varies by state) But in Virginia you cant get a rest. order put out on him until he actually becomes physical or the threats are serious & direct that you fear for your life. Yep, thats our good old courts. I agree with the others that you should get the divorce going and serve him eviction papers ASAP. The eviction process can be a bit long so get started asap. One last thing, make sure your money is protected.

Thank you for your support!

[cokelili 3]

Even though you are the one who owns the house and paying mortgage, Your husband owns half of it too because he is married to you. You will need to settle all those issues with your husband before you file for the divorce. You may also need to pay him financial support if you are the one who is his financial sponsor. I'm sorry you have to go through all that. You may need to hire a lawyer.

All that you said sounds to be true. Thank you!

[cokelili 3]

Check the family law in your state, and check if You can call the sheriff department, cops, to witness him leaving because you are worry about him being able to physically hurt you

I would call my law enforcement department and check if that option exist, because those words are a threat and if he might be violent towards you or any family member its maybe the best route... if it indeed exist, be sure you change locks that same day and check also if you can file a restraining order

Thank you so very much!

Feeling bad for you. Don't know much about it but I guess some senior will shine some light and help u

Thank you!