I feel horrible I need advice

[Mike-eeh and Odie 193]

Do not go. Tell your fiance to grow up and respect the lives of you and your child.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

The fiance's reaction is curiously extreme. Might he be worried about the unplanned expenses involved with a last-minute airfare, or losing more time from his job? Unless this behavior has been typical during the relationship, perhaps something else is underlying it.

OP, is his behavior in character or out of character for him?

This ^^^^^

Without context, which the OP hasn't given us yet, all the pre-judgments against the OP's fiance within the comments are premature. Speaking as a beneficiary, I know I had many cross words with my wife before she finally arrived in the USA. Thankfully she's a forgiving soul. None of us, except for the OP and maybe not even her, know the full breadth of the stress that the husband is enduring. If his comment is, indeed, out of character, as TBoneTX asks about, then we should all stand back and breathe before judging him further.

[Steven&Jelena 12]

The medical cost! I didn't even think of THAT when I gave my piece of advise! The USA has such high medical cost for birth of a child, it would shock your socks off...and you'd be stuck with the whole big-fat bill. There's not free medical care in the USA (unless you're an illegal but that's a whole other subject). It would take many years to pay it off. You have no idea how cold-blooded and relentless bill collectors are here. They would make your life a living Hell.

We talked about that too, i have here a free medical care. I asked him what would be with me in America, he said he will get me insurance and i will be ok. I really don't know how things work in usa for that but i thought that everyone must have insurance.

[Ash.1101 1,756]

It's not that simply JUST to get insurance, it's still also very costly.

And by everyone must have insurance, it means that if you don't have insurance then you get a fine on your taxes, but you aren't FORCED to get insurance, they don't MAKE you do it.

Does he have insurance through his work? Is he on Medicaid? Did he get Insurance through the Health Insurance Market place?

While you're on K1 in the US you can't get insurance. When do you plan on getting married? Obviously within 90 days but you only have 11 more weeks (77 more days) until you're full term, you're already at risk of premature labor so you may not even make it that far.

nce you get married your then husband can add you onto his work insurance plan. Make sure you have already applied for a SSN If he doesn't get insurance through his work then he'll have to help you purchase a plan through your state or through federal.

Having a baby WILL cost you. I think the only people who pay nothing are those on the most extreme version of medicaid, and that's because they don't make any money. Medicaid isn't available to you, so you WILL have to pay money even with insurance. Plus, you'll have to pay for monthly insurance as well.

Insurance in the US is weirdly complex, Even most US citizens just don't get it immediately.

------------------------

While people don't want to judge him, saying that the stress of all of this is why he told his fiance he wants her to get on a plane after she explains how high risk she is and how she could die, and he says either get on the plane or I'm leaving you, is exactly what her fiance could tell her if he -is- a mental abuser. "I'm sorry, I was just so stressed out and was worried for you and the baby I wanted ya'll here with me." but in reality, if someone says "I could die if I get on this plane" and the other person goes "WORTH THE RISK" then they don't care, especially if they keep on this mindset.

Over all though, other than the fact your fiance wants you there ASAP, there is no good reason as to why you should fly. You'll save money, A LOT of money,

OH YEAH and the fact that you have an at risk pregnancy.


I'd ask him more about the insurance HE has. Find out about it and let us know.


Personally, if I were you I'd stay in your own country. If he leaves you over this, he's truly an awful person and you and your baby do not need to be around him.
If he stays, you need to take note of his threats to scare you, mental abuse is the most common form of abuse and it's harder to get out of a relationship where the person is mentally abusing you.

If you're curious as to why we think he may be an abuser, look at these. Not all people do ALL of these things, but if there's enough you truly need to be careful. People don't become a better person when they get married, generally they actually get worse if they're abusers because now you can't just simply leave. If he's threatening to leave you because you won't risk your life and your babys life solely so he can stand next to you, he could easily threaten to get you deported (even if he can't), threaten to take custody of your child.

I didn't recognize the signs until I was 2 years into marriage. I always figured, oh that's just him, it's okay, or, well I married him, I guess this is what I deserved. I figured all of this was okay, but it's not.

If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

- See more at: http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse#sthash.ff5j0PBh.dpuf

Edited September 15, 2015 by Ash.1101

[Steven&Jelena 12]

It's not that simply JUST to get insurance, it's still also very costly.

And by everyone must have insurance, it means that if you don't have insurance then you get a fine on your taxes, but you aren't FORCED to get insurance, they don't MAKE you do it.

Does he have insurance through his work? Is he on Medicaid? Did he get Insurance through the Health Insurance Market place?

While you're on K1 in the US you can't get insurance. When do you plan on getting married? Obviously within 90 days but you only have 11 more weeks (77 more days) until you're full term, you're already at risk of premature labor so you may not even make it that far.

nce you get married your then husband can add you onto his work insurance plan. Make sure you have already applied for a SSN If he doesn't get insurance through his work then he'll have to help you purchase a plan through your state or through federal.

Having a baby WILL cost you. I think the only people who pay nothing are those on the most extreme version of medicaid, and that's because they don't make any money. Medicaid isn't available to you, so you WILL have to pay money even with insurance. Plus, you'll have to pay for monthly insurance as well.

Insurance in the US is weirdly complex, Even most US citizens just don't get it immediately.

------------------------

While people don't want to judge him, saying that the stress of all of this is why he told his fiance he wants her to get on a plane after she explains how high risk she is and how she could die, and he says either get on the plane or I'm leaving you, is exactly what her fiance could tell her if he -is- a mental abuser. "I'm sorry, I was just so stressed out and was worried for you and the baby I wanted ya'll here with me." but in reality, if someone says "I could die if I get on this plane" and the other person goes "WORTH THE RISK" then they don't care, especially if they keep on this mindset.

Over all though, other than the fact your fiance wants you there ASAP, there is no good reason as to why you should fly. You'll save money, A LOT of money,

OH YEAH and the fact that you have an at risk pregnancy.

I'd ask him more about the insurance HE has. Find out about it and let us know.

Personally, if I were you I'd stay in your own country. If he leaves you over this, he's truly an awful person and you and your baby do not need to be around him.

If he stays, you need to take note of his threats to scare you, mental abuse is the most common form of abuse and it's harder to get out of a relationship where the person is mentally abusing you.

If you're curious as to why we think he may be an abuser, look at these. Not all people do ALL of these things, but if there's enough you truly need to be careful. People don't become a better person when they get married, generally they actually get worse if they're abusers because now you can't just simply leave. If he's threatening to leave you because you won't risk your life and your babys life solely so he can stand next to you, he could easily threaten to get you deported (even if he can't), threaten to take custody of your child.

I didn't recognize the signs until I was 2 years into marriage. I always figured, oh that's just him, it's okay, or, well I married him, I guess this is what I deserved. I figured all of this was okay, but it's not.

If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

- See more at: http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse#sthash.ff5j0PBh.dpuf

Well he doesn't have insurance aand he is curently unemloyed. Before he had to leave his work to come to see me bacause he couldnt take off. And he wants to find better job now and concentrate on it. He also aplied for police academy so he told me he wont e ale to come to me even in a few days because he have to focus on his career. So if i don't come now i will e on my own and he wouldn't help me financial with baby too and he would continue his life without me.

The problem is that i love him, and i dont know how i would continue my life without him, im emotinaly unstable and right now very depressed. Also my mom was a single mother and i growed up without father and somethimes it wasnt nice at all because a lot of kids at school bully me cuz that , i dont want my child to grow like that too.

Edited September 15, 2015 by Steven&Jelena

[Hardfacts123 50]

Now that all of the name calling has gotten out of the way, here is some sensible information:

Have a conversation with your future Mother in-law or sister in-law about what your future husband has requested, ask them to help you to make your future husband to understand the risk.

Have his future Mother in-law to speak to him, about the risk he is asking you to take. Present the facts in a clear and calm manner. Respect that he may have a burden that he clearly has not been able to explain to you (Finance, lack of vacation time, etc).

Have your doctor to write out the orders clearly, if he has order you not to fly. Ask your self, does this behavior resembles the man that you fell in love with and agreed to have his child with.

Relationship issues are generally never one sided.

[Steven&Jelena 12]

Now that all of the name calling has gotten out of the way, here is some sensible information:

Have a conversation with your future Mother in-law or sister in-law about what your future husband has requested, ask them to help you to make your future husband to understand the risk.

Have his future Mother in-law to speak to him, about the risk he is asking you to take. Present the facts in a clear and calm manner. Respect that he may have a burden that he clearly has not been able to explain to you (Finance, lack of vacation time, etc).

Have your doctor to write out the orders clearly, if he has order you not to fly. Ask your self, does this behavior resembles the man that you fell in love with and agreed to have his child with.

Relationship issues are generally never one sided.

Unfortunately his mother passed away, and i never et his sister. If i my mom would talk with him. he would get very mad because he don't want me to share my problems with my familly.

[puffers 14]

Sorry but he doesn't sound like a good husband or father.

If he acts like that NOW, what do you expect to happen once you're here in the US and he has even more control over you, your life and your baby's life?

[Hardfacts123 50]

So you are willing to travel half way around the world to be with someone that your Mom can't talk to, and he hasn't introduce you to his family. Oh well, this is another topic.

Seems as if you are in a pickle of a situation, if you are religion, go talk to your higher being. Again I don't like giving relationship advise on a blog.

Who knows about you and the baby besides him, and the US immigration. Any friends or foe?

Good luck on whatever decision you decides to undertake.

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

I was born on a plane flying over Ohio and i was early/ should have been flying over Canada at the time but a storm bought us more South/ too bad as i would have had dual citizenship

and as for emergencies on plane a passenger with me from Morocco to Atlanta had a heart attack following a stroke, they took us in Newfoundland and took care of him

some airlines do require a doctors note to travel but i have seen pregnant women on Delta, American and Qatar

the expense of having the baby here is what i would consider

and not to worry about the citzenship of the baby as his father is American, baby will be too

I would be more concerned that he ordered me to come / he has to understand your concerns and be patient and loving in this time as stress on you causes additional illness / girl you must take care of yourself and the new baby / your financee is not a baby

[Ash.1101 1,756]

Well he doesn't have insurance aand he is curently unemloyed. Before he had to leave his work to come to see me bacause he couldnt take off. And he wants to find better job now and concentrate on it. He also aplied for police academy so he told me he wont e ale to come to me even in a few days because he have to focus on his career. So if i don't come now i will e on my own and he wouldn't help me financial with baby too and he would continue his life without me.

The problem is that i love him, and i dont know how i would continue my life without him, im emotinaly unstable and right now very depressed. Also my mom was a single mother and i growed up without father and somethimes it wasnt nice at all because a lot of kids at school bully me cuz that , i dont want my child to grow like that too.

The bolded and LARGE letters that you wrote are INCREDIBLY WORRYING.

When did he leave his work? Was it just for a regular visit? Was it the first time he visited you? Most people would not flat out quit their job for anything other than a tremendous emergency, ESPECIALLY knowing they have a baby on the way. How long had he worked there? These are all good indicators for the future.

He should try to make this work no matter what, you are carrying his child. The fact he has excuse after excuse is a big deal.

Did he tell you that if you don't come he won't help you financially with the baby and just move on? That's incredibly manipulating, and I know it's hard to see because you love him but that is NOT something you tell the person you say you love.

A lot of this just sounds really fishy on his end, but on your end you seem very trapped and I'm so sorry.

This is -exactly- how people end up trapped in marriages. It took a lot of us who have been in this a long time to realize that it is possible to be happier struggling than it is to be with someone who manipulates you and emotionally abuses you.

Just from what you've said, I don't believe you will be safe. Physically -maybe-, but this dependency and this mental abuse will get worse. You could end up a prisoner in your own home and you do NOT want your baby to think that a man like that is how men should be.

Edited September 15, 2015 by Ash.1101

[Shauneg 762]

Probably an empty threat and fears losing you if you don't come soon. I don't know his typical behavior but often things out done out of fear or insecurity. Either way it's not right and you know his normal demeanor and attitude about things.

[3rd 84]

Unfortunately his mother passed away, and i never et his sister. If i my mom would talk with him. he would get very mad because he don't want me to share my problems with my familly.

What concerns me here is that your future husband doesn't want you discussing anything with your own family. That's downright devious. It's not 'your problem' when it's your mothers grandchild being put at risk. He needs to listen to the doctor, you and your family about what is best. If you get on that plane and something goes wrong, you'll never forgive yourself and that could be the worst thing of it all.

I'm so sorry you're in this position, but stick to what you know to be right and don't be bullied into doing anything just because you're worried about bringing up a child alone. You'll never be alone if you have your family with you.

[j&ana 363]

We talked about that too, i have here a free medical care. I asked him what would be with me in America, he said he will get me insurance and i will be ok. I really don't know how things work in usa for that but i thought that everyone must have insurance.

yes everyone has to have insurance and he may or not be able to get insurance for you thru his work place. If he is able to it might not happen right away. My opinion is since you have already got insurance in your country and it is probably lest costly there then here even if you do get insurance here, you should have the baby there. Maybe he is worry about extra cost but if I was in his place I will try to find a way to go there or see if I could send you whatever is needed

[EspeLopez 10]

do not let him bully you. if your doctor doesnt think its safe and you feel its not safe that should be your decision. he should be supportive and understanding. the way he is acting is as a selfish child very immature. i would follow my gut.