Struggling to adjust

[SCOTTANDVICKI 11]

Hi everyone

Well, I've been here in Texas for 3 months now and I'm still finding it really difficult to adjust. It isn't helped by the fact my husband goes away for weeks at a time for work and we're both new to Austin so no network to speak of.

I guess, for me as a British person in particular, you don't realise how huge the cultural differences will be because we're so exposed to American TV/film/music/literature, we speak the same language, dress similarly etc that you think we're largely the same - we're not!

The people I've met so far have been great, but Texas in particular is very Christian and right wing. We moved to Austin because it's more liberal and has the 'Keep Austin Weird' thing that really appealed to us but so far the people I've met have been taken aback by the fact I'm a left leaning environmentalist with a passion for social justice. There are areas of liberalism, but perhaps just not where we live / I work. People say things to me sometimes and I'm just taken aback at how prejudiced and judgmental they are - it's like 50 years behind Europe in some ways!

The other thing I can't get my head around is how racially segregated things still are in the U.S. There are 'black neighbourhoods' and 'black colleges' and people seem aware of specifically race related characteristics that definitely weren't as front and centre in Cardiff as they are here!

I'm really worried about not doing well at work. I work in the nonprofit sector but was given some feedback recently that I'm not pushy enough and 'too British'! Has anyone else struggled with this kind of adjustment? As it stands right now, I just want to go home!

[MickAmy 26]

I am truly sorry you are having issues! I hope this might help in telling you that not all of the US is that way. We often refer to Texas as its own country so you have to adjust more than others who move to different states. I hope that you will be able to find some comfort and somewhere to fit in down there and that your homesickness will lessen. If you need someone to chat at, feel free to P.M. me I'm the US citizen BTW

[SCOTTANDVICKI 11]

Thank you! Texans really are a breed unto themselves! I really just feel so like a fish out of water and like I'm really obviously different.

If my husband was around more it may be easier but he's a musician and by the end of this year we'll only have spent 6 weeks together at home because of his tour schedule. At least if I was in Wales still I'd have friends / family around... Sorry, I'm being a bit pitiful and sorry for myself!

[TBoneTX 45,287]

1. The people I've met so far have been great

2. the people I've met have been taken aback [...] I'm just taken aback at how prejudiced and judgmental

3. The other thing I can't get my head around is how racially segregated things still are in the U.S. There are 'black neighbourhoods' and 'black colleges'

4. I'm really worried about not doing well at work. [...] I'm not pushy enough and 'too British'!

Rest assured that homesickness is prevalent and is very, very natural. When Mrs. T-B. got here, she cried frequently. She now views the U.S. as her happy home.

As for you, you say what you say in 1. above, but then you say 2. As one example, if you internally consider yourself to be superior because of your political or sociologic views, and this comes across to others, they might keep you more at arm's length than otherwise. Differences can make the world go 'round. Think of how you might be perceived by others, and consider modifications.

Consider why 3. is. There might be more reasons than you think.

As for 4., observe your successful or well-rated colleagues and begin to emulate what they do.

You're obviously intelligent and have the time, so you can make a personal game of the above: "1./2. How many consecutive people can I accept, and how many can I get to accept me? 3. How many reasons can I come up with? 4. How quickly and well can I emulate my colleagues' successful patterns?"

Why can't your husband take you on some of his tours? What has he been doing to help you become acclimated?

Edited September 9, 2015 by TBoneTX

[Udella&Wiz 325]

You will never get your head around the 'obvious' racial segregation, its a joke that the US regards itself as a melting pot, there's no melting, there are pockets of people from various racial groups...I was as shocked as you when I moved here from Canada 8 yrs ago...I went through what my husband lovingly refers to as my 'I hate America' phase about 3-5 months in. The food sucked (I could never find certain things readily available back home and the taste was dreadful), customer service sucked at stores and restaurants, people's attitudes sucked...it was like everyone loved to hate on some group. It didn't feel comfortable here, I felt like I couldn't be my usual jovial, Canadian self.

And Politics?? OMG - heaven forbid we have friendly banter at lunch, no such thing here...it must be a fight to the death and you MUST take sides!

It really helped me once I encountered like minded people through work, what a relief! Many times I've found myself more comfortable with other immigrants who have an actual perspective about the world.

Remember, these are my opinions and impressions....please no one bother to try to argue the points I made.

Edited September 9, 2015 by Udella&Wiz

[NancyNguyen 1,657]

Houston is way better I guess

[SCOTTANDVICKI 11]

Rest assured that homesickness is prevalent and is very, very natural. When Mrs. T-B. got here, she cried frequently. She now views the U.S. as her happy home.

As for you, you say what you say in 1. above, but then you say 2. As one example, if you internally consider yourself to be superior because of your political or sociologic views, and this comes across to others, they might keep you more at arm's length than otherwise. Differences can make the world go 'round. Think of how you might be perceived by others, and consider modifications.

Consider why 3. is. There might be more reasons than you think.

As for 4., observe your successful or well-rated colleagues and begin to emulate what they do.

You're obviously intelligent and have the time, so you can make a personal game of the above: "1./2. How many consecutive people can I accept, and how many can I get to accept me? 3. How many reasons can I come up with? 4. How quickly and well can I emulate my colleagues' successful patterns?"

Why can't your husband take you on some of his tours? What has he been doing to help you become acclimated?

Honestly, I daren't talk about my political or sociological views! Just as one example, there's a guy (a pastor) that shares the same co-working office space I use and he is constantly talking about how liberalism is ruining the world and how Europe is so terrible because it's allowed liberalism to 'take over'! Personally, I believe that quality of life is better in Europe - universal healthcare, 20 days legal minimum in paid vacation, paid maternity and paternity leave that can be shared between both partners, the Working Time Directive so no one works over 48 hours per week etc. So believe me, I simply talk about the weather with 99% of people I meet and as an educated and (I admit it freely!) opinionated woman it takes a lot of restraint!

The biggest fundamental cultural difference I've noticed, and that troubles me most is that the US is very focused on the individual, whereas Wales is very much about making good decisions for the best of the whole community and looking out for its weakest member. That was always a very big part of what makes me incredibly proud to be Welsh and, while I know I have to acclimatise, it flies so in the face of my personal beliefs I'm just finding it difficult.

The religious element is tough for me too. The UK is very much secular and religion has little to do with government. Our elected representatives are from all faiths because the country is made up of people of different faiths and they must be represented! I, personally, consider myself a Christian, but the brand of Christianity peddled around here is nothing similar to what I'm used to from my Church in the UK (most people here I've talked to about it were shocked that I was used to having a female pastor, for example). There is just so much judgment around and the recent Presidential debates and the whole ludicrous Kim Davis circus has really troubled me. While I personally have faith, I would never feel right about assuming that people should believe as I do. I believe religion is a very personal thing and that people should be free to believe or not believe whatever they wish. For a super Christian state, very little of what I have heard from Christians in Texas represents what I believe as Jesus' teaching (help those in need, love your neighbour as yourself, do not cherish money and possessions etc)

Husband and I are both pretty heavily tattooed (him more than me, but it doesn't seem to matter in the music industry!) and having to wear a cardigan in 104 degrees has been wretched! I used to wear short sleeves for 10 years working for the Government in the UK! The Minister I worked for (equivalent to a Secretary of State here) also had tattoos so no big deal! That's a big part of why we chose Austin in particular to move to, more acceptance of alternative type people but again that has been in pockets rather than overall.

The problem work-wise is that I was the Executive Director (I say was because I just handed in my notice) so I didn't have anyone to emulate! Culturally, it wasn't a good fit for me so I'm going to go back to looking in the environmental nonprofit sector where I belong! My husband couldn't take me on tour because I was working full time, plus he's in a tour bus with 9 other guys for the next 7 weeks! I guess he has faith that he married a self-sufficient woman and that I'll be fine on my own! Hahaha

[SCOTTANDVICKI 11]

You will never get your head around the 'obvious' racial segregation, its a joke that the US regards itself as a melting pot, there's no melting, there are pockets of people from various racial groups...I was as shocked as you when I moved here from Canada 8 yrs ago...I went through what my husband lovingly refers to as my 'I hate America' phase about 3-5 months in. The food sucked (I could never find certain things readily available back home and the taste was dreadful), customer service sucked at stores and restaurants, people's attitudes sucked...it was like everyone loved to hate on some group. It didn't feel comfortable here, I felt like I couldn't be my usual jovial, Canadian self.

And Politics?? OMG - heaven forbid we have friendly banter at lunch, no such thing here...it must be a fight to the death and you MUST take sides!

It really helped me once I encountered like minded people through work, what a relief! Many times I've found myself more comfortable with other immigrants who have an actual perspective about the world.

Remember, these are my opinions and impressions....please no one bother to try to argue the points I made.

Yes. It's the polarization and the hating on individual groups that really bothers me. While I really (really!) disagree with, for example, Tea Party politics I respect their right to have a very different opinion to me as long as they don't keep insisting I'm wrong and that everyone else but them is causing the fall of humanity!

I've met 2 people who I've clicked with as friends - both from California and very new to Texas...I wonder if that's why!

[mlh 93]

I know it's probably not the answer, and you haven't been there that long, but how set are you on staying in Austin if you're not happy there? I moved to Dallas from Oregon about 11 years ago and have traveled a lot for work (around the US and spent a lot of time in the UK), and find that the Houston and Dallas tend to have a bigger mix of people from all over, so you don't get quite so overloaded with all of the extreme views. Don't get me wrong, they still exist, but you tend not to see them as the majority around here.

There are very few people that I know in Dallas that are "from" Dallas. They all moved here from other states and countries for jobs, etc., so while there are pockets of the extreme religion, there are a lot of areas that are fairly normal (or as normal as they can be).

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to chat!

[Pennycat 880]

What you're experiencing is totally normal, and really right "on time" for culture shock. I say this, not to minimize what you're going through in any way, but just so you can know that it's both normal and expected and that it will most certainly get better. Here's a handy reading about it: http://www.ukcisa.org.uk/International-Students/Study-work--more/Culture-Shock/A-model-of-Culture-Shock/ Be sure to check out the graph in the PDF linked. For some reason this doesn't have general timelines associated with it, but from when I was being prepared to move abroad, I remember being told that the "honeymoon stage" lasts about 2 to 3 months and then you start to really struggle....

This is not to say either that Austin is the perfect place for you, or that you are wrong about the things you've noticed about US culture, just that it's not a coincidence that you're noticing it all now and it's bothering you. If it helps with some perspective, you may try to imagine your home culture through a foreigner's eyes (not like your co-worker's--he seems to be repeating conservative talking points, but someone who has recently moved there). Over the years, imagining this becomes more and more possible and you'll see that every society has some seriously messed up aspects to it. Some admittedly much worse than others, but still. If you think, for example, of Trump's "build a wall, deport them all" is horrible, see if you can find a similar situation in the UK (Calais, perhaps?) and try to listen to the rhetoric with "fresh ears", and how that may sound to an outsider. While you, the insider, may think that those people who say those things are racist xenophobes who certainly don't speak for you or the majority of Britions, imagine then that very well could be the case with Trump & Co. I have found that this sort of thing helps me gain perspective on how what I'm seeing/hearing/disliking may not be just a problem with the new culture, but more of a universal piece of ugliness that has different symptoms in different places. You may not feel the same, and that's ok.

In the very near-term, maybe these suggestions will help: refrain from any political talk. Not just about sharing your opinions, but if conversations start to veer down that road, see if you can gently steer it away. It's not considered polite at all to talk politics in mixed groups or with people you don't know very well. That said, there are a lot of seriously tone-deaf and impolite people in this world. Sometimes it takes being a bit more straightforward about not wanting to talk/hear about it. A pointed remark, half-joking such as "Oh, I don't prefer to talk politics with people who I want to continue to like" can get the point across. If not, just know that you're talking to a fairly rude person with no ability to take social cues. You can let their opinions speak for themselves about their critical thinking ability.

Don't be afraid to defend your home culture if you want to, just know that that can very often be more of a headache than its worth and suddenly you're defending literally everything that has ever happened in/done by your county ever in the history of time. I lived abroad from 2002-2003---right in the middle of the US invading Iraq and gearing up for the election which would eventually result in a second term for George W. Bush. That was fun times (heh). At some point, I found myself being asked to defend the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima, and I wasn't even defending the invasion of Iraq. It's a mess, honestly, dealing with people who only know about the goings on of your country through history books and sensationalist news. Talking with more educated people, and people you actually know well, is much more worth it and can be really eye opening and productive.

See if you can find some more like minded people. Meetups can be great for that (some of them have no-shows, some can feel forced, but if you've got the time, keep on trying): http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/tx/austin/Even if you're not looking for political/religious like minded people, just finding people who share hobbies and interests can be a good start (so you're not stuck with whoever you know through work). There's even a British Expats of Austin group:

Beyond that, trying to find a place where British/ other Commonwealth expats congregate can be helpful. See what bars in the area show soccer and rugby (the European leagues), and go watch a game there. See who you meet. Worst case scenario, you have a good lunch and some beers and watch a soccer game.

Just in general know that it *does* get better. And you won't lose yourself to this culture. You'll still be you, you won't become some ultra-conservative Jesus freak. I promise. You'll just be able to wade through these waters a bit easier, and have a different perspective on it. Basically, it won't bother you as much--not because you've accepted it, but because you know the ropes.

Good luck

[lecilia 15]

im welsh too and dont worry you will do fine

[Andrea&Henry 311]

I love this country to death, after almost 3 years of living here I just can see myself living somewhere else, specially coming from a 3rd world country, this is a huge change specially cause my first language is not even english.

But I do agree about is still shocking to me (after almost 4 years) the racial segregation they have here. In latin america we are not use to racism (at least not to this level) and we are all a huge mix. We have part white, black and native so people are not with the BS of racism. When we have a black friend we call them (negrito) as a caring nick name but is not an offense at all.

Here I had to learn to be careful about anything I had to say cause Americans finds everything OFFENSIVE! everything is offensive to them...is just ridiculous...never met such a butt hurt people in my life.

Buttttt this is my home now, and the place I chose to live for the rest of my life. Is really hard the 1st 6 months specially after the "honey moon phase" is gone. Juts try to make the best out of it.

This country has amazing stuff, yeah pretty sh**** things like any other country but it has amazing stuff! try to see the positive side of the whole thing and you will find yourself loving this country like noone else.

You need to be patient also, 3 months is nothing...not enough time for you to say this is not your place yet.

[Illiria 980]

Sorry you are having a rough time, I am one of maybe 5 British people employed at my work. No one has ever said I am too British but maybe they don't know th are being offensive. If you are having an exit interview you could give them feedback on this, I know Americans don't like being told they are too American so point out politely that other countries citizens don't like it either.

If your local state school has an environmental studies department reach out to them to see what nonprofits are in your area. Not sure about Texas but California park services hire a lot of their rangers from environmental backgrounds.

[Tracey&Greg 35]

Awe trust me I completely understand how you feel. My hubby is from England and we live in Alabama. He has told me at times he feels like he's in another world the way people think down here.

[sailorgal 33]

O lord I just got here like one week back, it was literally last Wednesday and till now everything has been good but I know I will hit the I wanna go home, I'm sick of everything here phase some day and I know nothing can prepare me or my soon to be husband for that. I just wanted to share that the day I got here I didn't even feel even like I was in foreign country. It was like I was home to the love of my life. That could be because I've known him for so long and I was ready to be here with him (or anywhere on earth but with him), because of all the anticipations I had about our life here and how I would imagine it would all be and how I'd read about the places we'd be staying at (which is Florida right now, could be Georgia next) that when I actually got here it really didn't feel like I was away from home. Did anybody here experience this? May be this feeling that I had/have will not let the homesickness phase get too bad. Or may be right now it's the excitement of being with him finally, meeting his family and planning a wedding is keeping the homesickness at bay. O well we shall see how things go in this direction after a few weeks.

OP I can't really comment on your topic, never been to Texas and I just got here. But I really really hope things get better with you soon and you feel at home here. Good luck!