Extended Family and Intergenerational Reciprocity in Filipino Culture

[rlogan 2,036]

How does Filipino culture differ from the United States, and how can understanding it help our relationships?

First, there is no single culture in the USA. We have religious communes, Native American cultures, inner city slum culture vs. rural farm culture, etc. It makes a difference what we are comparing Filipino culture to.

Filipino culture varies even more than the USA does. Because of its location it has a long history of international interaction - Chinese, Malay, Spanish, etc. - but in addition had several epochs of immigration with ethnically distinct groups. Look at the Aeta of central Luzon for example, and how they appear closer to distinctive African bush tribes than to other Filipinos.

Nevertheless we can make some general remarks, and the most important here is about extended families. Generally speaking Filipinos tend to have closer extended family relationships than people in the USA do. It has straightforward survival benefits and is termed "clan" based social organization. A clan-based social organization isn't automatically good or bad - it can work both ways. We have the Ampatuan clan in Maguindanao for example that likes to slaughter anyone standing in the way of their monopoly on power with machine guns. It's like the Mafia in the USA. Both are real life vicious, murdering clan-based criminal organizations.

But your fiance probably isn't from the Ampatuan clan. And you aren't from the Mafia. You are from a country that prizes individualism. Hers is extended family. So the basic difference is individualism vs. extended family viewpoint. Your fiance is going to care more about her siblings' welfare, her mother and father, aunts and uncles and so on down the line as compared with you. She is much more likely to say "this is good for my family" in a circumstance where you are thinking "this is good for me".

You can be a capitalist economy with extended family units. You see family-based businesses in these economies, that's all. Prices are still set by supply and demand. Products are sold in open markets. It is not a planned economy like the former Soviet Union. People can own land, structures, etc. and are free to chose their trade. But you are more likely to see a mother-daughter team selling at the vegetable market and a father-son team fishing than in the USA. In fact, the US State Department has some perverse definitions of "child labor" that cast the Philippines in an extremely unfair light: by those definitions, Filipino "child labor" is a bad thing that needs to be prohibited. One place the USA makes an exception for itself with child labor laws is in farming. You can work a boy 16 hours in a day just so long as he is from a farm family in the USA. Shouldn't we treat Filipinos doing exactly the same thing with equal understanding?

Their retirement system is much more likely to be family-based than yours. It is a contract for intergenerational reciprocity. It is common for Filipino children to support their parents in retirement. Whether you agree or disagree with this, just understand it. The social security system in the USA is very broad: just about everyone is in it. If she is from a provincial area where large portions of the economy are cash-based, non-traceable transactions: her family is not in the social security system. A professional-class Filipino in Manila with a salary is paying 3% a month into the social security system and can retire at 60. Anyone else is on their own, so it is no surprise to find family-based retirement systems in the Philippines, especially in the provinces.

In extended family or clan-based social settings it is common to see uncles helping harvest your rice and you helping build his house - trading labor with each other. It is easy to keep track of who is a loafer and who is a hard worker when it is your own family. This is not socialism or communism. This is family-based organization. You are eager to help out the cousin who has been helping you back and forth for a quarter century. A cousin who never lifts a finger - you don't help that moocher out. You cut him off.

Into this milieu walks a rich Americano. He is from a country where a taxi driver can make more than a doctor in provincial Philippines. How you conduct yourself - what you teach them - has a lot to do with the traumas that can develop between a Filipina and an Americano. If you come into this relationship sporting your money, don't later turn around and complain that they got used to it.

Your fiance is very likely to view you as how you can benefit her family. Not just herself. Especially if she is from provincial Philippines. If the current family "issue" is a basketball uniform for little Joe Junior, it would be natural for her to ask you to help.

Now we are at the crux of it all: are you going to establish that you give hand-outs, or are you going to participate in the extended family reciprocity system of the Philippines? You want a basketball uniform? Swell - carry these big stones for the rest of the day, with no pay, for a sea wall, and you'll have your basketball uniform tomorrow morning. That would be an example of you, a family member by marriage, reciprocating with another family member. You are behaving consistently with traditional Filipino culture.

On the other hand, if you just buy the uniform - is it not logical for the next needy family member to step forward with their hand out? In fairness, why does little Joe get this freebie and they don't? Now there is a perversity afoot: no more reciprocity. It is a one-way system bound for resentment and bad behavior on the part of the recipients. Then the game becomes how to guilt-trip the Americano into a permanent welfare state financier. But you have no-one to blame but yourself, really. For letting this situation develop. It is such irony too - one capitalist stepping into another capitalist society and creating a welfare state.

Regarding the children supporting the parents in retirement: Do not marry into such a social system unless you are prepared to buck up. It is an intergenerational family-based system and your duty is to support the generation that fulfilled their obligation already. You want a wife that is 50 years younger than you, scorching hot little scrumpet from the provinces you dirty old man? It comes with her parents. So deal with it. Nothing is free, and this kind of deal ought to be a million dollars anyway so count your lucky stars.

Because in her culture, her parents more likely took care of the grandparents in retirement. That's paying into their social security system, so to speak. So in their retirement, your fiance is expected to support them. Whether you are in the picture or not. But once you break into this system, you are the extension of her: the logical person to accept this family duty. If you reject it, there will be friction between you and your wife, or between her and the family. These people aren't moochers. You misunderstand this as welfare if you don't understand her culture.

Yet even then,accepting such things as your responsibility, it is also your responsibility to establish whether you are a frugal sort or a show-off sporting your money. If you have the big pig roast planned for your first visit with balloons, cake, party gifts for everyone in the barangay - lol, best of luck champ. That's a really expensive lifestyle, one I sure couldn't afford. Why are you establishing that as your standard? A millionaire standard.

In a clan-based culture people pay attention to who the loafers are as opposed to the productive family members. Your wife is viewed quite naturally in this way, just like everyone else. If she ends up being the one who brings wealth to the family then she takes on the role that would normally be played by the traditional American father: the family breadwinner. It is a thing that, if treated wisely can end up being quite wonderful to participate in, and if mishandled lead to resentment and dysfunctional behavior.

It is very simple, really: pay attention. Plan. Budget. You don't just act like a mindless ATM. Don't say "yes" to every request for money. It is only natural for this to happen because you are the wealthy one. But learn to say "no" with grace and kindness. From the very beginning, be careful about money relations. Every decision you make, even though you may not intend so, has long term significance. You teach them by the way you behave, so behave as you want them to learn.

We paid for her brother's Merchant Marine college and training. It has been four years of planning coming to fruition now. The purpose of doing it was to fulfill our obligation for her parents' retirement: We put this kid at the top of the pay scale and in return he takes care of the parents. Our obligation is now fulfilled. It was amazingly cheap too, by American standards - a full semester's tuition is about $550. Talk about return on investment.

We built a house. We intended to, and have, stayed there for extended periods - up to five months. I will retire there. It was the logical thing to do. We got "free" labor to build it. But it wasn't free. This was a family enterprise, everyone pitches in. Many send money, without supervision. What outcome can we expect from handing over money and then turning our backs? Building a house is called "contracting" in the USA. Would you just give money to someone who had no experience in contracting and say "you are a contractor now"? I am a contractor. So that's what I did. Her father is a mason and carpenter, an expert in Filipino construction techniques. It was a marriage made in heaven, me and him. We built the house together. It took four months, and we had uncles, sons, extended family members working on it. He did the interior finish work after I left. Tile work is his specialty.

If you are careless, this can develop into the perversity of all your Filipino relatives competing with themselves for your money, and using manipulative tactics to get it. Guilt-tripping and shaming you for the money you pick off trees in the USA. Your wife is in the same position as many Filipino Overseas Foreign Workers. They have gone abroad for employment at higher wages. They are doing so to help their families. But it can turn their families into unproductive welfare cases in the end. The OFW has to be wise about what they are doing with the money. Just sending it home blindly can have bad results: like sponsoring alcoholism and gambling.

It is a lie to say anyone believes money is picked off trees in the USA. Nobody actually believes that. It is the manipulative framing, used to justify being a leech. Everyone knows that the Filipino OFW are working hard for their money just the same as foreign (American) workers do. But if you act like it grows on trees yourself by just tossing it around, you will have bad results.

In sum, this is something that is a general tendency, not true for everyone. The relationship most likely on the Philippines subforum is an older Americano with a younger Filipina. He is wealthy by her standards. We say that he is not marrying her: he is marrying her family. It is likely she has obligations that are very natural in her culture that are very fair if you understand them context.

But they are ones that, if not approached with long term planning can turn your relationships into a one-way street. I know someone who has, over 40 years now purchased a housing complex that hosts 34 people, none paying rent. They have some kind of canteen that sells to other people too, but is where the family eats. It is a business front to pay for their own food. It does not make a profit. He is paying the water, electricity, gasul - he has a whole inner city welfare project going and complains about it. They like to drink and gamble. Smoke tobacco.

After 40 years, where is the culprit to be found? That would be him. For causing a perversion of Filipino culture that we also see perverting our own. We call it the welfare state. In this case you've done it to your own family as opposed to the government doing it to anyone.

[cristina16 81]

Wow!! this is an extensive evaluation of the Filipino culture that you have seen from your wife's family and regional perspective . This holds very true I shall say given your regional area the way how you describes it. The dependency and expectations of the parents, siblings and extended family members to a Filipina married to a foreigner (not only Americans) is very high. They see that foreign nationals as their sure way out of poverty or someone that can give them a better life; bigger houses, or the biggest house among the houses in their barangay or locality, help to finance brothers/ sisters education, improve overall their life stature, among others.

This has become the norm and I see this around happening for so long. A lot of Filipina are eyeing for that life for herself and their family. Yes, it is cultural that children were raised to support their aging parents, older children are expected to send their younger siblings to school and help the household. This is expected from all the children even if they have their own family. We take care of our parents when they get old, provide and support them. It will not surprise me if one day, I will ask my parents to stop working and I will commit to support them. That's how we are raised and nothing can stop me from doing that even a husband, if he cannot see how important that is to me.

Although this has long been in the depths of our culture, let us not forget that several of us Filipinas have created a name for ourselves and has been successful in our own career. Several of us were highly educated and have a career of our own in the country (not as OFWs) when we met our foreign partners. We have so many professional Filipinas married or engaged to foreign nationals who have a good life and can provide for their family on their own. Most of us were sent to college by our parents, helping them when they are older is our means of repaying them. My parents are not asking me for this, but I know I am willing to support them if needed. I told my kids that all they have to do is finish college and be able to support themselves; not all of us are obligated by our parents but most of the time we obligate ourselves.

Personally, I am not expecting my fiance or my husband later on to provide anything for my family. I want him to understand though (which he does) that I will help my family in any means I can and how I see it fit without compromising our finances. I can work and together we can build a life and at the same time help my family without relying just on him. My circumstances maybe different because I have both parents still working, siblings that have a career of their own, but I still chose to help in anyway I can.

A clear lesson can be learned from rlogan's post. You knew where your fiance/e came from, you have talked about it for sure and she told you all the reality around her in full colors. Never step in and solve everyone's problems. If your pick up line is " I can give you everything" - you are stepping on a wrong foot. Set the bar, level and manage expectations. Yes, learn to say NO nicely.

I want to make it clear though that let us not generalize this. Again, not all of us sees YOU the foreign BF/ Fiance/e / Husband as our way to a better life or our family expects you to finance or help on anything. Some of us have the means and are highly educated to support our self and our family.

I want to shed a light on this disturbing notion that dating or marrying a filipina can be a trap on this dependency culture including the extended family. As you know better - family can be the whole barangay where they are from.

Actually when I have read about proof of on-going relationships are bank receipts or remittances- I was appalled. I don't have those proof, does that make our relationship any less? Funny though, that is the sad reality. If relationships will be based on how much you can give, until when they will bleed you out?

PS- based my thoughts and circumstances.