family issues and VAWA.

[onye uwaoma 131]

I am appalled by the comments posted here. Many people here blaming the OP for his wife abusive behavior.To excuse the abusive behavior of someone is unacceptable. It's not because someone is bipolar or very jealous that the person is abusive or that the victims have to accept the abuse. Abuse is a choice made by the abuser. The victims should not be blamed, never, ever!. Everyone has a unique story, and no matter what level the abuse inflicted, it is still considered abuse. Clearly all things that the OP said here show that he is a victim physical abuse and extreme cruelty (mental abuse).

A victim reaches out not to be judge, but to ask for help, to obtain some advice, to vent etc., but to attribute any responsibility/fault to the victim regarding the abusive behavior of the spouse is unacceptable as well. I am an advocate for victims of domestic violence for over 25 years, besides being an attorney. I am often invited to give conferences for mental health professionals and shelters around the Country and I want to share something with each one of you here.

-When a victim tells you that she/he is suffering abuse,please DO NOT TELL the victim " talk to your Priest/Pastor/Iman" or " you should start therapy " or " seat and talk to her/him", "do not push her buttons", the right advice is "SEEK A SAFE PLACE TO LIVE!", any other advice please offer when the person is not in danger anymore.

-You do not have to hear the other side of the story to offer help, to give some advice, because when a victim calls the Violence Hotline they do not say " hey I have to hear your spouse side of the story", they say "seek a safe place to stay!.

-When someone calls a shelter seeking help, the shelter does not say " I have to hear what your spouse has to say then I might help you", but they try to accommodate the person looking for a place to stay.

There is a HUGE difference between marital conflicts and abuse, everything the OP described here is considered abuse. Most of the posts here were just bashing the OP and defending his wife. I urge everyone here not to doubt a victim's account EVER and please NEVER MORE say "there are two sides to every story", because when you wait the whole story come out someone can die. The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as physical abuse. His wife verbal explosions, control, humiliation, threats, isolation, degradation are considered extreme cruelty by USCIS. Sadly, many people may adopt a negative attitude toward a victim based on their own shortcomings, but we have to understand that this is not a helpful or healthy reaction. People have to set up healthy boundaries and not to live pretending that toxic behavior is okay because it's not ok! Society must understand that victim-blaming attitudes is dangerous.

Remember abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser!

I completely agree with you...and when I said the wife need more help than the OP do I mean real medical diagnosis...but my concern for the OP's immigration journey is that he could hardly pass through just by saying he was abused without any tangible proof of such...again, he should not provoke his wife to the point she reacts in such a way as to make him call the cops on her, knowing her weakness already. We must give complete and honest help to both of them. The wife not having any friend and the husband having so many friends for instance doesn't seem normal. What that tells me is that the wife needs help and whatever that can be offered as a support, but, the OP must endeavor to move out, tread with serious caution with her and discuss his immigration process with her...if she pulls her support, nobody in this forum could complete the process for him. If she agrees to attend the interview together with him, they should not pretend as if their marriage is on the bed of roses... Once again, anybody can claim to be abused and write even a more pathetic story than this if there won't be any required standard of evidence...

[onye uwaoma 131]

Too many friends - and always coming first.

Too many friends+no friend at all=abnormal.

[onye uwaoma 131]

Sandranj - thank you for being the voice of reason, as always; I was cringing at some of these responses.

OP, I am sorry if I may have missed this in your posts, but is your wife open to marital counselling or is that just not an option for her? You sound like a calm, rational guy who really wants his marriage to work, which is why I am asking the question.

I was involved with one like that, and there's no salvaging it... Anyone who have had encounter with what OP described here will be asking him to pack and leave the next minute, and this is not paying a lip service as most people would like to hear... Really, any comment that's based on sentiments alone is disservice and not beneficial to those who need it. For anyone feeling disappointed of any sort I have a few questions for ya...have you ever been in an abusive relationship and know exactly how it feels? Secondly, though the OP described an emotional abuse, is there any proof of this for the purpose of immigration? Can he just claimed he was abused by simply telling a story and zoomed past through the process? What is the fuse really about? Truth always hurts and I don't usually expect that most people enjoy swallowing it (the bitter truth)...

[onye uwaoma 131]

I was married to this, the first time. Attempt counseling. However, if she doesn't accept the idea, or if she doesn't continue with the program, or if she attempts changes that don't endure, leave without looking back.

Spending time in encounters like these inevitably drain our emotional reservoirs south of a healthy level. This is not a partnership, marriage, or relationship.

This is one bitter truth and is one in a million...hopefully the OP take the advice to heart...

[onye uwaoma 131]

Dude theres 2 sides to every story, are you willing to put your

marriage B4 friends....yes we need man time but its how its done

& our ability to balance things...why is your wife suddenly insecure,

this is the same person prior to marriage...if you love & want to keep

the relationship healthy , talk to your wife in earnest & seek counseling.

Cultural differences can be a part of the prob. Wives in the US expect

attention & first preference from their spouse, some ppl elsewhere

spend lots of time with friends & leave the little woman home

Not getting along really is not a case for VAWA but you can join that thread

and ask

Absolutely true...always two sides to every story and there's no denying this fact. However, having encountered a similar situation portrayed by the OP, except my ex doesn't drink, I cannot help but believed this story as it is...marriage is meant to be two equal partners and not the other way round...any emotional controlling freak by either party will end up destroying the marriage and whoever the freak is will end up being the abuser...so you can't expect the guy to shut down because the wife is freaking out! Edited September 3, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[Sandra G. 5,048]

Onyeuawoma the OP needs to attend individual therapy 5/7 sessions and to have a psychological evaluation done, and of course some tests performed by the psychologist such as BAI,BDI and a test to detect malingering. If he has a diagnose of major depression and /or post-traumatic disorder due the abuse suffered then the part regarding abuse(mental abuse) will be proved without any problem. Extreme cruelty(mental abuse) is recognized as grounds for VAWA protection. We have hundreds of males that had the petition I-360 (VAWA )approved, please read threads part 1,2,3,4,5,6.I had over 150 VAWA cases approved last year and 20% were male.

As an advocate for victims of domestic violence, I focus on the victim well-being and not in the abuser problems since abuse is a choice.I never charged to review VAWA and AOS cases for victims of DV. I am just explaining here before someone jumps saying I am looking for a case, fortunately, I do not need to work to survive, despite I am still working.

Edited September 3, 2015 by sandranj

[onye uwaoma 131]

Onyeuawoma the OP needs to attend individual therapy 5/7 sessions and to have a psychological evaluation done, and of course some tests performed by the psychologist such as BAI,BDI and a test to detect malingering. If he has a diagnose of major depression and /or post-traumatic disorder due the abuse suffered then the part regarding abuse(mental abuse) will be proved without any problem. Extreme cruelty(mental abuse) is recognized as grounds for VAWA protection. We have hundreds of males that had the petition I-360 (VAWA )approved, please read threads part 1,2,3,4,5,6.I had over 150 VAWA cases approved last year and 20% were male.

As an advocate for victims of domestic violence, I focus on the victim well-being and not in the abuser problems since abuse is a choice.I never charged to review VAWA and AOS cases for victims of DV. I am just explaining here before someone jumps saying I am looking for a case, fortunately, I do not need to work to survive, despite I am still working.

Thanks for offering the very important hope needed here...now when he must have done the necessary documentation via therapy then there will be an evidence. I agree there's no excuse for abuse whatsoever.

[Ontarkie 14,231]

~~Three more posts removed. Stick to answering the OP or Do Not Post!~~

~~One member Thread banned.~~

Edited September 3, 2015 by Ontarkie

[Jacque67 7,328]

My brother has been living in the us for more than 15 years already. he is a U.S citizen. I'm not. I moved here in 2009 to go to college, in may 2014 met my wife, in nov 2014 we got married and filed for the concurrent adjustment of status and petition. i-130 and i think i -485. I was going to college on my last semester when we got married. In 2015 feb, i received my EAD. I applied to child protective services and work there now. It may sound ironic, but it is much different to help others with their abuse than actually helping yourself. I don't want to say you don't understand to be in a relationship with someone who abuses you emotionally. but I felt and still feel like things are shaky sometimes. Yes things at home are fine right now. But i don't know when something will happen that will trigger her negative personality. she even told me she feels like she has two different personalities. i am a loving husband and I don't believe in divorce. I never married her for green card or any of that. If that was my intention then I'd have married somebody else in the span of 5 years i spent here. Not to brag, but i am a handsome man. however, i don't think It is simple to fake a relationship for 4-5 years just for a green card. I personally cannot do it if i have no feelings for the person. So did i marry her for the green card? no, Did i know what benefits I was getting from marrying her? of course i did. She also knew the benefits of marrying somebody who is educated and well mannered with good heart. Did things begin becoming shaky lately? yes it is. it is those unknown moments of when she will act psychotic or angry out of no where that ticks me off. I am not sure if it is normal to ignore those negative reactions and say i hope things get better. i asked for advice from others who were married and they told me they had been in my route with women like that and it never gets better, and it will be a miserable life. I understand that point, but then it is so hard for me to give up. I don't want to give up until the last hope for something changing into the positive happen. i'm not upset right now, because i am easily to forgive and move on, but then i know something will happen from no where that will cause her to mistreat me and i will get upset. i don't want to go through that again. it drains my energy and health. it kills me slowly. my mom is not here. she is back home. and I absolutely agree with you about the finances. Do i contribute more toward the family? I surely do, I am totally fine with it. it is what normal families do. i don't expect me and her to contribute 50/50. we take care of each other one way or another. what i am worried about is that when something does not go her way she turns into a mad person and will make up lies about me not caring for her and will talk about different topics. just like when i went to the gym yesterday. you will read about that story in one of the posts. last week, i was trying to be sweet and nice. i told her that she can go out with a friend and i will stay home and baby sit. it was the weekend. She looked at me and yelled at me out of no where..telling me that she has no friends and i should not tell her what to do. no body cares about her and she will stay by herself because thats how it is. She literally screamed at me and hurt my feelings. It was out of no where. we were just chilling watching tv and eating lunch together. I did not consider VAWA until i began realizing her behavior and how negative things could reach. I told my friend about her telling me "good luck with the citizen ship" and it felt like she was threatening me that she could fk things up if i don't act under her control. i got mad that day, and told her f u and f the citizenship, i will not be a slave to you. then she came and apologized. i told her it is not right for a wife to talk to her husband that way. i am not some sort of homeless man you picked up. but it made me realize some things about her. if anything, literally, anything don't go her way, she will look at everything in a negative way. she has the mentality of black or white thinking. I thought since i was a psychology major i'd be able to help her overcome her negative thinking but i just cannot anymore. that's why i am considering marriage counseling and VAWA.

So is she prepared to go to counselling with you?

[Villanelle 4,122]

I just want to post something about mental illness and abuse since the thread is taking that turn.

Suffering from mental illness is not a choice. However how you deal with it is. There are many people that choose to live with someone that suffers from a mental illness. I am uncomfortable saying to someone -oh if your spouse suffers from a condition then flee, run like the wind. Because again many people do stay.

With that said I do believe that if the person is not willing to get any help then you should not stay. This is my personal opinion. Anyone in a relationship with someone that is mentally ill and has a successful relationship has things in common. One being the person is actively seeking treatment. With out that key piece its not going to work.

When I read what the OP posted I see a man who is very committed to his wife and does not seek to leave. He wants things better but it is not something he can do alone. Again Im going to push the book walking on eggshells as parts of it describe how to help the person you love that is suffering from a mental illness be encouraged to get help. It also has a section about 'abuse' and encourages the reader to as described in some posts not tolerate living with abuse and to protect themselves.

[hoalhash 5]

I don't think they are even in the ROC stage yet. They are in the AOS process which means that a divorce almost guarantees they have to leave the country. There is no evidence gathering at this stage. I am assuming no green card was issued yet. OP, am I correct?

you're right. I've been waiting for first interview to get the conditioned green card since January 22 2014.

[hoalhash 5]

I dont know if you fully understand what "VAWA" is.

So lets start with a conversation about immigration basics--We will use basic English and keep the fancy immigration terms to a minimum--/

Currently you have applied for AOS (adjustment of status) with your wife. She is basically your 'sponsor' meaning you are eligible to adjust through your marriage to her- a USC. You submitted your papers and are awaiting an interview. You dont have an interview date (yet). You are doing what we call- the regular process.

VAWA is a law that allows immigrants to adjust status WITHOUT the support of the person that makes them eligible. This is because an abusive person might not or will not co-operate with the process, so you do it without them. For VAWA you need to prove the bonafide relationship plus proof that there is abuse therefore eliminating the need for the person.

Now the following is my personal opinion. I dont think theres any reason to get into - is this abuse by the definition needed for VAWA? Not right now atleast- BECAUSE_--- No where have you posted that your wife will not participate nor do you believe your wife will go to the interview and sabotage you as a form of abuse. You also did not post that you will be separating from your wife due to the abuse. Those are all reasons why someone would NEED TO stop the 'regular process' and switch to a VAWA process. So why are you looking into VAWA? VAWA is not counselling, its not a method of "help" for abused immigrants to fix their relationship. Its an immigration process for specific circumstances.

As I stated VAWA will just 'remove' her from your AOS process. Do you really feel like you have a need to remove her. Because what Im reading is I feel I am being abused by my spouse. (OK). But Im not seeing how that connects at all to your immigration process... Most people will come on here and state- I must leave my spouse because of the abuse. Then VAWA can be a relevant path for them.

You are not stating any intention to leave her, just that you are unhappy. (Maybe I am missing something, but this is just how it reads to me)

\

Moving on- I really really hate when people come on and play psych dr. I strongly believe it is impossible to diagnose somebody via an internet message board in 3rd person. With that said, if you are intent on saving your marriage and staying with your wife- she needs to go to counselling. No one must live with abuse. My personal opinion- from what you described (black and white thinking, mood swings, anger and yes emotionally abusive behavior towards partner) - its most likely BPD (borderline personality disorder).

but I don't want to file for vawa in case we seperated because it will just make me look like I am doing it on purpose and I am making up this stuff. I do not want to separate from her because I do love her, I love the good side of her. however it feels things are getting more intense from her side. her telling me good luck with the green card made me wonder her true treatment. it's also hard to describe such treatment when you're not personally involved in such abusing relationship. what peace of mind is there when she'd throw the "I conttol you because of the green card" statements every time she would not have this going her own way because I asked if I can do simple things. what about the whole year I spent working and bought a car. the professional connections I made. all the stuff I built to be thrown away.

[hoalhash 5]

I am appalled by the comments posted here. Many people here blaming the OP for his wife abusive behavior.To excuse the abusive behavior of someone is unacceptable. It's not because someone is bipolar or very jealous that the person is abusive or that the victims have to accept the abuse. Abuse is a choice made by the abuser. The victims should not be blamed, never, ever!. Everyone has a unique story, and no matter what level the abuse inflicted, it is still considered abuse. Clearly all things that the OP said here show that he is a victim physical abuse and extreme cruelty (mental abuse).

A victim reaches out not to be judge, but to ask for help, to obtain some advice, to vent etc., but to attribute any responsibility/fault to the victim regarding the abusive behavior of the spouse is unacceptable as well. I am an advocate for victims of domestic violence for over 25 years, besides being an attorney. I am often invited to give conferences for mental health professionals and shelters around the Country and I want to share something with each one of you here.

-When a victim tells you that she/he is suffering abuse,please DO NOT TELL the victim " talk to your Priest/Pastor/Iman" or " you should start therapy " or " seat and talk to her/him", "do not push her buttons", the right advice is "SEEK A SAFE PLACE TO LIVE!", any other advice please offer when the person is not in danger anymore.

-You do not have to hear the other side of the story to offer help, to give some advice, because when a victim calls the Violence Hotline they do not say " hey I have to hear your spouse side of the story", they say "seek a safe place to stay!.

-When someone calls a shelter seeking help, the shelter does not say " I have to hear what your spouse has to say then I might help you", but they try to accommodate the person looking for a place to stay.

There is a HUGE difference between marital conflicts and abuse, everything the OP described here is considered abuse. Most of the posts here were just bashing the OP and defending his wife. I urge everyone here not to doubt a victim's account EVER and please NEVER MORE say "there are two sides to every story", because when you wait the whole story come out someone can die. The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as physical abuse. His wife verbal explosions, control, humiliation, threats, isolation, degradation are considered extreme cruelty by USCIS. Sadly, many people may adopt a negative attitude toward a victim based on their own shortcomings, but we have to understand that this is not a helpful or healthy reaction. People have to set up healthy boundaries and not to live pretending that toxic behavior is okay because it's not ok! Society must understand that victim-blaming attitudes is dangerous.

Remember abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser!

thank you so much for your unbias comment. I want to clarify that the environment at the moment is normal. but thats because I am not doing anything that might trigger her "episodes" and i am basically trying to avoid anything. if I tell her right now that I wanna go to the gym or anything where she is inable to see me or observe me then she will make everything in our life upside down and act grumpy and make me feel no longer wanting to do something. then if I went ahead and left then she will call me on the phone to start an argument then she will tell me that I dont love her anymore while being angry and she will then talk about random off topic like she will start saying thats all I do. I am good for nothing. all I do is mistreat her. she will act like she is tue victim. she is very good with changing the topic. so yeah...like yesterday my friend called me at eight pm to see if I can meet up with him for little bit because his fiance has left him. I had to lie to my wife to go see him for fiften minutes. I had to buy her something to make an excuse for taking an hour to get shaving blades. she will go through my receipts to see where I go. almost on weekly basis she has to ask me why I have glitters on my face but I see no glitters. she asked me who I was with. I said nobody. I dont see any glitter. but then I have to act like its funny and joke and say oh its probably because I am handsome and my face shines. but deep inside I am hurt. I don't want her to get mad and start an argument. the other week part of my ear was reddish because I slept on it for so long. my wife and I were staying in a hotel l. while I was checking out she saw my ear and got mad in front the receptionist and people. she was askng me where did I get the hicky from and who am I effing with. I said no body. it is not a hicky. she kept blaming me for almost two three hours while driving back home.

[hoalhash 5]

Sandranj - thank you for being the voice of reason, as always; I was cringing at some of these responses.

OP, I am sorry if I may have missed this in your posts, but is your wife open to marital counselling or is that just not an option for her? You sound like a calm, rational guy who really wants his marriage to work, which is why I am asking the question.

I only brought tje counseling twice. her friend brought it up to her. my wife when she is calm she is like a kitty who is loving. she says we don't need counseling. everyyhing will be okay. but last time which was last week I told her I don't want to wait until things are worse to get counseling. even if we are calm right now, we should still do it. but I guess with work and daily life worries we moved on on that part.

[hoalhash 5]

after reading other people posts with similar situation with wives who have borderline. I truly believe my wife has borderline issues. I actually did use my phone to record our arguments. it sounds bizarre but due to me being the type who forgets the reason behind the arguments or what initiated them. Noticing how she changes topics and what begins as me doing something simple and normal turns into the hell of her life, i decided to record out arguments so I can go through them. i also have witnesses. i swear that every single person I introduced her to has witnessed something of her abnormal behavior. she will cause a scene without feeling shame.