family issues and VAWA.

[hoalhash 5]

So, let me get this straight. You were here (and so was/is your brother), married in October, filed papers in November, with an abusive (you suspect, although you work for child protective services, you aren't sure what abuse is), jealous, psychopathic drinker who, for some reason, expects you to contribute to the household expenses - which is what normal married people do. To make matters worse, she doesn't appreciate mom tossing her $2,000 to straighten out her finances. Is mom here, too?

Why don't you just get a divorce and get your residency?

My brother has been living in the us for more than 15 years already. he is a U.S citizen. I'm not. I moved here in 2009 to go to college, in may 2014 met my wife, in nov 2014 we got married and filed for the concurrent adjustment of status and petition. i-130 and i think i -485. I was going to college on my last semester when we got married. In 2015 feb, i received my EAD. I applied to child protective services and work there now. It may sound ironic, but it is much different to help others with their abuse than actually helping yourself. I don't want to say you don't understand to be in a relationship with someone who abuses you emotionally. but I felt and still feel like things are shaky sometimes. Yes things at home are fine right now. But i don't know when something will happen that will trigger her negative personality. she even told me she feels like she has two different personalities. i am a loving husband and I don't believe in divorce. I never married her for green card or any of that. If that was my intention then I'd have married somebody else in the span of 5 years i spent here. Not to brag, but i am a handsome man. however, i don't think It is simple to fake a relationship for 4-5 years just for a green card. I personally cannot do it if i have no feelings for the person. So did i marry her for the green card? no, Did i know what benefits I was getting from marrying her? of course i did. She also knew the benefits of marrying somebody who is educated and well mannered with good heart. Did things begin becoming shaky lately? yes it is. it is those unknown moments of when she will act psychotic or angry out of no where that ticks me off. I am not sure if it is normal to ignore those negative reactions and say i hope things get better. i asked for advice from others who were married and they told me they had been in my route with women like that and it never gets better, and it will be a miserable life. I understand that point, but then it is so hard for me to give up. I don't want to give up until the last hope for something changing into the positive happen. i'm not upset right now, because i am easily to forgive and move on, but then i know something will happen from no where that will cause her to mistreat me and i will get upset. i don't want to go through that again. it drains my energy and health. it kills me slowly. my mom is not here. she is back home. and I absolutely agree with you about the finances. Do i contribute more toward the family? I surely do, I am totally fine with it. it is what normal families do. i don't expect me and her to contribute 50/50. we take care of each other one way or another. what i am worried about is that when something does not go her way she turns into a mad person and will make up lies about me not caring for her and will talk about different topics. just like when i went to the gym yesterday. you will read about that story in one of the posts. last week, i was trying to be sweet and nice. i told her that she can go out with a friend and i will stay home and baby sit. it was the weekend. She looked at me and yelled at me out of no where..telling me that she has no friends and i should not tell her what to do. no body cares about her and she will stay by herself because thats how it is. She literally screamed at me and hurt my feelings. It was out of no where. we were just chilling watching tv and eating lunch together. I did not consider VAWA until i began realizing her behavior and how negative things could reach. I told my friend about her telling me "good luck with the citizen ship" and it felt like she was threatening me that she could fk things up if i don't act under her control. i got mad that day, and told her f u and f the citizenship, i will not be a slave to you. then she came and apologized. i told her it is not right for a wife to talk to her husband that way. i am not some sort of homeless man you picked up. but it made me realize some things about her. if anything, literally, anything don't go her way, she will look at everything in a negative way. she has the mentality of black or white thinking. I thought since i was a psychology major i'd be able to help her overcome her negative thinking but i just cannot anymore. that's why i am considering marriage counseling and VAWA.

[hoalhash 5]

I was married to this, the first time. Attempt counseling. However, if she doesn't accept the idea, or if she doesn't continue with the program, or if she attempts changes that don't endure, leave without looking back.

Spending time in encounters like these inevitably drain our emotional reservoirs south of a healthy level. This is not a partnership, marriage, or relationship.

I want to know if I apply for VAWA and in case it gets denied, will it affect my status? i already have the EAD card, i am waiting for an interview since january 22. I already applied for i-130. Should i wait until the interview is over or apply now?

[zkt101 38]

If VAWA doesn't get approved and your wife pulls the plug on 130, or doesn't attend the AOS interview, you will have no ground to stay in the US and subject to deportation.

[onye uwaoma 131]

Now knowing your wife's weakness and your ordeal with her. I guess she needs more help than you do. Don't push her to the point where you begin to call the cops on her since you never been to that stage before you came to seek help in the forum. You must talk through your immigration process with her at this point. I don't agree vawa will fly without evidence other than what you wrote here...

[Fan_Dancer 171]

Too many friends - and always coming first.

[onye uwaoma 131]

I don't think they are even in the ROC stage yet. They are in the AOS process which means that a divorce almost guarantees they have to leave the country. There is no evidence gathering at this stage. I am assuming no green card was issued yet. OP, am I correct?

Sorry...my bad!

[Villanelle 4,122]

I dont know if you fully understand what "VAWA" is.

So lets start with a conversation about immigration basics--We will use basic English and keep the fancy immigration terms to a minimum--/

Currently you have applied for AOS (adjustment of status) with your wife. She is basically your 'sponsor' meaning you are eligible to adjust through your marriage to her- a USC. You submitted your papers and are awaiting an interview. You dont have an interview date (yet). You are doing what we call- the regular process.

VAWA is a law that allows immigrants to adjust status WITHOUT the support of the person that makes them eligible. This is because an abusive person might not or will not co-operate with the process, so you do it without them. For VAWA you need to prove the bonafide relationship plus proof that there is abuse therefore eliminating the need for the person.

Now the following is my personal opinion. I dont think theres any reason to get into - is this abuse by the definition needed for VAWA? Not right now atleast- BECAUSE_--- No where have you posted that your wife will not participate nor do you believe your wife will go to the interview and sabotage you as a form of abuse. You also did not post that you will be separating from your wife due to the abuse. Those are all reasons why someone would NEED TO stop the 'regular process' and switch to a VAWA process. So why are you looking into VAWA? VAWA is not counselling, its not a method of "help" for abused immigrants to fix their relationship. Its an immigration process for specific circumstances.

As I stated VAWA will just 'remove' her from your AOS process. Do you really feel like you have a need to remove her. Because what Im reading is I feel I am being abused by my spouse. (OK). But Im not seeing how that connects at all to your immigration process... Most people will come on here and state- I must leave my spouse because of the abuse. Then VAWA can be a relevant path for them.

You are not stating any intention to leave her, just that you are unhappy. (Maybe I am missing something, but this is just how it reads to me)

\

Moving on- I really really hate when people come on and play psych dr. I strongly believe it is impossible to diagnose somebody via an internet message board in 3rd person. With that said, if you are intent on saving your marriage and staying with your wife- she needs to go to counselling. No one must live with abuse. My personal opinion- from what you described (black and white thinking, mood swings, anger and yes emotionally abusive behavior towards partner) - its most likely BPD (borderline personality disorder).

[Villanelle 4,122]

Hmm my post seemed to get cut off. Anyway, I would recommend you google the term and see how well your wife fits into it. I would also strongly recommend counselling for YOU BOTH. You also pick up a copy of "walking on Eggshells'> I really do believe it will help you.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

I am appalled by the comments posted here. Many people here blaming the OP for his wife abusive behavior.To excuse the abusive behavior of someone is unacceptable. It's not because someone is bipolar or very jealous that the person is abusive or that the victims have to accept the abuse. Abuse is a choice made by the abuser. The victims should not be blamed, never, ever!. Everyone has a unique story, and no matter what level the abuse inflicted, it is still considered abuse. Clearly all things that the OP said here show that he is a victim physical abuse and extreme cruelty (mental abuse).

A victim reaches out not to be judge, but to ask for help, to obtain some advice, to vent etc., but to attribute any responsibility/fault to the victim regarding the abusive behavior of the spouse is unacceptable as well. I am an advocate for victims of domestic violence for over 25 years, besides being an attorney. I am often invited to give conferences for mental health professionals and shelters around the Country and I want to share something with each one of you here.

-When a victim tells you that she/he is suffering abuse,please DO NOT TELL the victim " talk to your Priest/Pastor/Iman" or " you should start therapy " or " seat and talk to her/him", "do not push her buttons", the right advice is "SEEK A SAFE PLACE TO LIVE!", any other advice please offer when the person is not in danger anymore.

-You do not have to hear the other side of the story to offer help, to give some advice, because when a victim calls the Violence Hotline they do not say " hey I have to hear your spouse side of the story", they say "seek a safe place to stay!.

-When someone calls a shelter seeking help, the shelter does not say " I have to hear what your spouse has to say then I might help you", but they try to accommodate the person looking for a place to stay.

There is a HUGE difference between marital conflicts and abuse, everything the OP described here is considered abuse. Most of the posts here were just bashing the OP and defending his wife. I urge everyone here not to doubt a victim's account EVER and please NEVER MORE say "there are two sides to every story", because when you wait the whole story come out someone can die. The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as physical abuse. His wife verbal explosions, control, humiliation, threats, isolation, degradation are considered extreme cruelty by USCIS. Sadly, many people may adopt a negative attitude toward a victim based on their own shortcomings, but we have to understand that this is not a helpful or healthy reaction. People have to set up healthy boundaries and not to live pretending that toxic behavior is okay because it's not ok! Society must understand that victim-blaming attitudes is dangerous.

Remember abuse is a conscious choice made by the abuser!

Edited September 3, 2015 by sandranj

[Cheezees 1,514]

Sorry...my bad!

No problem I would have suggested the same if they were in the ROC process.

[Miss M 54]

Sandranj - thank you for being the voice of reason, as always; I was cringing at some of these responses.

OP, I am sorry if I may have missed this in your posts, but is your wife open to marital counselling or is that just not an option for her? You sound like a calm, rational guy who really wants his marriage to work, which is why I am asking the question.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Are you familiar with the AOS process? This is not an ROC where you can just file a divorce waiver.

Ack. I misunderstood where he was in the process and stand corrected.

[kkk1 42]

here is my story..I married my wife in Oct 2014, we filed for my I-485 and I-130 in nov. My current status is "ready to schedule for interview" since Jan 22 2015 !. Following marriage my wife became argumentative. I thought it was okay...all couples argue and no relationship is perfect. however, as days pass, things became getting worse. She became more jealous, self-insecure, and hostile and controlling. As i'd go to visit some of my friends, she would tell me that I don't spend time with her and I don't care for her. Which is a lie, I only go visit a friend like once a week. However, she will start yelling and acting grumpy so I stopped going to see friends. I told her I am a man and I need some man to man time, I need at least once a week to meet with friends and catch up with. I can't cut my friends (men) off. She would tell me that I don't include her in my plans and begin screaming and act psychotic. She has no friends, literally, so when I go to get togethers or parties, I take her with me so she can meet other people and make friends, but she would act rude and hostile toward people and sort of scares them where they don't try to get to know her. She would then talk negatively and rudely about every one I try to introduce her to. Many times we go out, she will get drunk or whatever and start wanting to argue and accuse me of cheating. One time she accused me of sleeping with a random girl I did not know, because she "photo boombed" my photo with friends. My wife tried to hit me with a bat. She also one time tried choking me and pushed me because I told her I was gonna go see a friend for 15 minutes to give my friend money. She did not believe me. then when I came back she apologized. She always apologizes after she cools down. She also accuse me of not taking her out or spend money on her, but I do all the time. When I try to go buy me clothes for work, she would come to the mall with me and start talking about how much she needs clothes, I end up buying her clothes and not myself. Now I hardly go to visit my friends because of how she would freak out on me. When my friends come to visit me, she would say inappropriate things in front of them. She has caused a scene in front of every single person I literally introduced. She even gets mad if I tell her I want to go visit my brother who I don't see for months. She also expressed not liking my brother, when my brother did nothing to her. She says my family are careless about her when my mom gave her $2000 to pay for her loan. She was struggling with money, and I helped her to pay for her lonas because I love her and she is my wife. I just got my first job, and it required a car, so I told her it is time for me to buy my first car. She told me how come I buy myself a car and not buy her a new car, she has a 2006 car in a bad shape because she don't take care of it well. She was in the military and basically did not save money and wasted her money. I told her I cant afford to buy her a new car right now. I'm still trying to settle financially, beside she already had a new car that she wrecked prior marriage. How is that my fault? when I went to buy the car, she insisted that her name is in the title, I said i'm that one who will be paying for the car, it is mine, but okay. I don't want arguing and accusing me that I don't love her as a family. Although I spend money on her, she still says I don't spend money on her. I really don't know what to do. I try to save money from my work, but since she knows how much I make, she stopped paying for things like electricity, water, internet, monthly food. She also sometimes say she is short with money, so I end up paying for the whole rent, but then I see her blowing money on stuff we can't afford. Also she one time accused me of sleeping with some customer service lady because I went to go ask her about a price of some dvd movie and the lady smiled at me, my wife was standing far away. She also keeps saying I have glitter on my face and says I must be cheating on her, when I don't know what glitter on my face she is talking about. She told me one time "good luck with your citizenship" because I asked her if I can go visit a friend and she did not want me to leave. She would tell me afterward that she is sorry, and she doesn't know why she behaves like this. She says stuff like she says she is bi bolar, or refer to herself as psychotic in a joking matter, but i really think she does have some sort of psychological problems. I feel like she is destroying our marriage because of her trust issues. I always manage to calm her down one way or another, but it seems like every day she is grumpy about something. Each day she will go through different moods, happy and sweet and then grumpy and mean. I feel unsettled. I have worked for almost 6 months for the Child Protective Services, I am a good person, and I never once broke the law. I feel like I put time, effort, and energy to build a life here in America, and I want peace of mind. I feel like she is becoming worse as days pass. Everything right now is calm. I'm basically sitting here waiting for the next unexpected moment something would happen. I have to think twice before I say anything to her, because she would always manage to perceive things the wrong way. My friend told me about VAWA. However, I don't know if I have sufficient proof of abuse. Although she tried to choke me, I'm 6 ft and she is 5'3 and I was able to flee. She tried to hit me with a bat but she hit the wall and made a hole instead. So I can't prove physical abuse, but she said I have emotional abuse. It is hard for me to tell if I'm emotionally abused. especially for being a guy. I know my feelings are hurt when she acts psychotic, but I'm the type who calms down quickly. Like I said everything is calm right now, but I don't know when the next "episode" of hers will happen again. If I apply for VAWA will it affect my I-130 and I-485. Will she find out? I'm still willing to try and save our marriage, but if things don't work out, I don't want to lose my job and what I managed to build so far. It will destroy me to lose marriage and also job, car, and what I invested in.

My soon to be ex had some problem. Read about boardline personality disorder. If you post your story on bpdfamlies.com moderator and other reader will give you confirmation of this. It is very difficult to live with such people who has bpd issue. Also you need to train yourself to lead a tough life. It is not easy. They will spend all your money and accuse you lot that you are cheating on them. They will accuse you of having affair. And they will behave very childish and very inscure. In short they will drain your life and one day when you stop paying attention on them they will run into other guy and will cheat you. She has serious bpd problem. It is not easy to treat people with bpd. If they regularly visit coucelling and take medication it take years to see improvement. Read book called " walking on eggshell". You will see your own life in that book. Also save your money. Take care buddy.

[Ryan H 3,812]

***Three posts violating multiple provisions of the TOS against abusuve behavior removed. Administrative Action taken.***

[onye uwaoma 131]

My soon to be ex had some problem. Read about boardline personality disorder. If you post your story on bpdfamlies.com moderator and other reader will give you confirmation of this. It is very difficult to live with such people who has bpd issue. Also you need to train yourself to lead a tough life. It is not easy. They will spend all your money and accuse you lot that you are cheating on them. They will accuse you of having affair. And they will behave very childish and very inscure. In short they will drain your life and one day when you stop paying attention on them they will run into other guy and will cheat you. She has serious bpd problem. It is not easy to treat people with bpd. If they regularly visit coucelling and take medication it take years to see improvement. Read book called " walking on eggshell". You will see your own life in that book. Also save your money. Take care buddy.

I agree with you in toto...I was involved with one like that, and there's no salvaging it... Anyone who have had encounter with what OP described here will be asking him to pack and leave the next minute, and this is not paying a lip service as most people would like to hear... Really, any comment that's based on sentiments alone is disservice and not beneficial to those who need it. For anyone feeling disappointed of any sort I have a few questions for ya...have you ever been in an abusive relationship and know exactly how it feels? Secondly, though the OP described an emotional abuse, is there any proof of this for the purpose of immigration? Can he just claimed he was abused by simply telling a story and zoomed past through the process? What is the fuse really about? Truth always hurts and I don't usually expect that most people enjoy swallowing it (the bitter truth)...