Compromise and Marriage

[YnaYeBa0808 0]

hey steven! dont worry about things like that. it's okay to not to have everything in common with your wife. she has her way of doing things, you have yours.... that's what spices up the relationship. no two people are alike. even if you have the same interests, there are going to be times when you're not going to agree on one thing. but it's going to be okay. the way i see it, marriage involves alot of trial and error but learning from this and constant communication is the key. talking and listening.

dont compare your relationship now to what you had before. it's not the same. it will never be... itll all work out fine. just dont forget to talk. if she has her "tampo moments" (moments where she would just be quiet, and you know something is bothering her but she wont talk about it and insists that everything is okay and obviously it isnt) just let her do her thing and then ask her about it later on. i guess coming from a patriachal society has taught filipinas to just keep it all inside and not say anything even if something is going wrong. just tell her it's okay to speak out her feelings, also try to give her a little time to compose herself and slowly open up the topic again with her. make sure to try to make it a rule that no one goes to bed with hurt feelings.

hmm, what else, be a little more patient with the whole adjusting thing... it takes a while. my husband is still adjusting to the life here, as well as coping with being homesick. it's just inevitable. you'll just have to understand that this whole moving thing is easier said than done. my friend who has gone thru this k1-aos process said it normally takes two years to be fully adjusted to married life and 5 years to be fully adjusted to the fast paced life in america (remember 3rd world vs 1st world country).

anywho, you know ill be here for jinky. hahaha im just kidding. we'll be here for you guys. we're just a couple of miles away from each other anyways.

annie

ps. tell jinky im excited for you both.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

hey steven! dont worry about things like that. it's okay to not to have everything in common with your wife. she has her way of doing things, you have yours.... that's what spices up the relationship. no two people are alike. even if you have the same interests, there are going to be times when you're not going to agree on one thing. but it's going to be okay. the way i see it, marriage involves alot of trial and error but learning from this and constant communication is the key. talking and listening.

dont compare your relationship now to what you had before. it's not the same. it will never be... itll all work out fine. just dont forget to talk. if she has her "tampo moments" (moments where she would just be quiet, and you know something is bothering her but she wont talk about it and insists that everything is okay and obviously it isnt) just let her do her thing and then ask her about it later on. i guess coming from a patriachal society has taught filipinas to just keep it all inside and not say anything even if something is going wrong. just tell her it's okay to speak out her feelings, also try to give her a little time to compose herself and slowly open up the topic again with her. make sure to try to make it a rule that no one goes to bed with hurt feelings.

hmm, what else, be a little more patient with the whole adjusting thing... it takes a while. my husband is still adjusting to the life here, as well as coping with being homesick. it's just inevitable. you'll just have to understand that this whole moving thing is easier said than done. my friend who has gone thru this k1-aos process said it normally takes two years to be fully adjusted to married life and 5 years to be fully adjusted to the fast paced life in america (remember 3rd world vs 1st world country).

anywho, you know ill be here for jinky. hahaha im just kidding. we'll be here for you guys. we're just a couple of miles away from each other anyways.

annie

ps. tell jinky im excited for you both.

Thanks, Annie! And Luzy and everyone! BTW, I've already reminded her to go have lunch with you when she gets here! Having someone close by will help a lot. There's also Sherif Uling (Ahmari and his wife, Jen) nearby in Torrance.

I'm so nervous and excited, I'm beside myself.

[YnaYeBa0808 0]

hihihih if it's dinner ill convince her to take you along! yaaaaaaaaahahhaha im kidding.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

hihihih if it's dinner ill convince her to take you along! yaaaaaaaaahahhaha im kidding.

For sure! The husbands need to eat too you know.

[Autumnchik 6]

You have definitely received some good advice here Compromise was something that I worried about too before Ron and I got together. The last time that I had roommates, I was 20 (I am 32 now). Ron was also used to being very independent.

We definitely adhere to the "choose your battles wisely" school of thought; we let little things go and only debate the big issues that we feel most passionate about. For instance, when putting groceries away, we have very different ideas about where they go. Same with general kitchen organization. Do I care? Not really; Ron is more of a cook than I am. So he decides where things go in the kitchen and I try to remember where to put things back!!!

We also have been upfront about discussing our particular communication styles so that there isn't any misinterpretation. Another example: when I am angry, I need a little bit of space to cool down and then rationally discuss the issue. The first time I did that, Ron interpreted it as me avoiding the issue (he likes to address the issue and deal with it right away). After I explained my style and how it benefits my ability to rationally discuss an issue, he was able to see it as that and not take it personally.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

You have definitely received some good advice here Compromise was something that I worried about too before Ron and I got together. The last time that I had roommates, I was 20 (I am 32 now). Ron was also used to being very independent.

We definitely adhere to the "choose your battles wisely" school of thought; we let little things go and only debate the big issues that we feel most passionate about. For instance, when putting groceries away, we have very different ideas about where they go. Same with general kitchen organization. Do I care? Not really; Ron is more of a cook than I am. So he decides where things go in the kitchen and I try to remember where to put things back!!!

We also have been upfront about discussing our particular communication styles so that there isn't any misinterpretation. Another example: when I am angry, I need a little bit of space to cool down and then rationally discuss the issue. The first time I did that, Ron interpreted it as me avoiding the issue (he likes to address the issue and deal with it right away). After I explained my style and how it benefits my ability to rationally discuss an issue, he was able to see it as that and not take it personally.

Those are things I'm probably over-thinking about. Particularly since she's entering into my place that's already established. I want her to make it her place too. Maybe it's time for the wood panelling, dartboard and moosehead to go.

[SoL. 0]

Hey Steven,

Congrats on your upcoming new life together with Jinky. As the others said, leave the past in the past, this will be a fresh start and a new life with her. You'll be fine

I am also veeeery picky with my grocery shopping (good thing I am not alone on this one!). Thank God my SO got used (and amused) with my way of shopping, he accepted that it's something very particular from me. I explained to him why I shop the way I do.

I understand your concern about being independent for so long and making all your decisions to suddenly sharing your life with somebody. As long as you accept each other for who you are, it's all good. Problems start when one tries to force things on another and wanting the other to change. And having your own space sometimes is also important.

Jinky's adjustment to the US is going to be something to deal with. When I moved from Puerto Rico to the US, oh boy,was I home sick! I wanted to go every weekend and cried a lot . The culture shock can be very painful, but she will get adjusted with time. I still remember my first winter! I will try to make Pieter's move from Netherlands as smooth as possible.

I wish you the best of luck and just let it flow, don't stress too much and enjoy your new life with her.

Best wishes,

edi

Edited February 27, 2007 by Sol-de-Verano

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Hey Steven,

Congrats on your upcoming new life together with Jinky. As the others said, leave the past in the past, this will be a fresh start and a new life with her. You'll be fine

I am also veeeery picky with my grocery shopping (good thing I am not alone on this one!). Thank God my SO got used (and amused) with my way of shopping, he accepted that it's something very particular from me. I explained to him why I shop the way I do.

I understand your concern about being independent for so long and making all your decisions to suddenly sharing your life with somebody. As long as you accept each other for who you are, it's all good. Problems start when one tries to force things on another and wanting the other to change. And having your own space sometimes is also important.

Jinky's adjustment to the US is going to be something to deal with. When I moved from Puerto Rico to the US, oh boy,was I home sick! I wanted to go every weekend and cried a lot . The culture shock can be very painful, but she will get adjusted with time. I still remember my first winter! I will try to make Pieter's move from Netherlands as smooth as possible.

I wish you the best of luck and just let it flow, don't stress too much and enjoy your new life with her.

Best wishes,

edi

Thank you, edi! I should stock up on boxes of tissue for sure because if she starts crying, I'm like a baby, I'll start crying too.

[StarProg 0]

Those are things I'm probably over-thinking about. Particularly since she's entering into my place that's already established. I want her to make it her place too. Maybe it's time for the wood panelling, dartboard and moosehead to go.

I'm purposefully NOT taking care of some necessary repair and remodeling, so that Fely will have something to take care of when she gets here and can take ownership of her new home. Um, I just hope she gets here before the porch falls down.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Those are things I'm probably over-thinking about. Particularly since she's entering into my place that's already established. I want her to make it her place too. Maybe it's time for the wood panelling, dartboard and moosehead to go.

I'm purposefully NOT taking care of some necessary repair and remodeling, so that Fely will have something to take care of when she gets here and can take ownership of her new home. Um, I just hope she gets here before the porch falls down.

Are you marrying a carpenter?

[StarProg 0]

Those are things I'm probably over-thinking about. Particularly since she's entering into my place that's already established. I want her to make it her place too. Maybe it's time for the wood panelling, dartboard and moosehead to go.

I'm purposefully NOT taking care of some necessary repair and remodeling, so that Fely will have something to take care of when she gets here and can take ownership of her new home. Um, I just hope she gets here before the porch falls down.

Are you marrying a carpenter?

Ha ha. Well actually no, but she did just finish overseeing the remodeling of her parents' house.

[JenT 0]

A good dose of patience will go a long way too, Steven, especially while she's learning to drive in the US or when you've explained something for the 'umpteenth' time. Regardless of the sacrifices you're making to bring her to be with you, she is making a greater sacrifice for you. If you always remember that, you'll be able to keep perspective about the little things.

Jen

[Fandango 1,439]

If I were you, I'd worry about your raging liberalism being a complete turnoff

[archie07 0]

Well, D and I are apart now, but being as we lived together for years, I feel like I can answer it for us.

Our rule is usually whoever feels the most passionate about a particular subject wins. But usually we're on the same page anyways.

But if something is really that important to him that he's willing to fight me on, I will yield because him getting his way is more important than me getting mine on something I really don't care too much for. And vice versa.

If we both feel passionate about it, then we each give a little. For instance, there's a pub quiz which he LOVES. I personally would rather have a root canal performed thru my nostrils than to go to it. And we each are as passionate as each other. So it'd be quiz night and I'd always bail, and then he'd go. When he left, I'd be pizzed that he went without me, and he'd be pizzed that I stayed home instead of going with him.

So we decided that we'd alternate. One week we'd go, the next we wouldn't. And we were both happy with the outcome.

That's the thing - no two people are alike. We each have our own interests, views, ideas, etc. I'm a little scared that because I've been making decisions on my own for awhile being single for 5 years, I might take some things for granted and I don't want to.

This may sound silly, but for example, I'm peticular about shopping for food. When Jinky arrives and she starts to shop for our food as well, how do I express that without sounding ####### retentive?

As far as the food issue, after a week of eating whatever It was in manila I ate, and contantly having an upset stomach, I politely explained to my wife that my digestive system was not used to her foods. She understood and we started eating at american restaurants also. Most of us are set in our ways but for this to work out I think we need to do alot of compromising. My wife's visa wa delivered today the 26th, her interview was the 16th, after all this stress I will definitely compromise.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

If I were you, I'd worry about your raging liberalism being a complete turnoff

I use it to keep the other women at bay...I can only handle one woman.