Spouse threatens divorce if I don't sign I-864a!

[heo luoi 206]

The Philippines are the sameway in fact i would say family is more important to philippines then vietnam but i do not know that for a fact

I do know most americans can not sponsor wife and 10 other family members.Where does it stop once you start sponsoring family members. This should of been bought up in the op relationship with his wife.

Thats a pretty broad assumption for a USC to know both phillipino and viet cultures.

If you sponsor one like the OP said and they can start supporting and petitioning on their own.

Not everyone wants to come over, they have their lives / families there, too old...etc.

And when it's the wife's mom, it's even stronger. It's understandable that she threatens to divorce when her husband refused to help her mother. To other cultures it might be shocking but it's totally normal for Vietnam cultures. Any wives would threaten to divorce her husband in this situation.

I agree, but theres a LOT of context missing. I can see why many people presume the threat. But I can also see from her perspective, OPs resistance could be construed(perhaps misconstrued) as lack of affection for her and the things/people that are important to her. In that regard, the mere mention of divorce is not so preposterous.

These things should have been discussed prior. If a wife said you dont want to have kids and said well I do, so I'm going to divorce you, would anyone freak out? As a foreign immigrant I think its pretty understandable to think some people would like to reunite with some of their family more permanently and have that extended support system...not entirely unexpected.

This question, just like kids is a question that likely should have come up during relationship.

Are you prepared to help me eventually petition some of my family over as well? Perhaps financially and physically support them?

As for a viet persons familial bond trumping the martial bond. Thats pretty broad too. Not every uncle bob and cousin joe. I know plenty of viet parents that light the hell up out of their sons for not helping around the house enough and sons/wives for not being attentive enough to their spouses. They never talk smack about the in law, they light up their own kid. I would hope she would not simply ignore if/when her mom shows up. This would be like a wife neglecting being a wife and being a mom only.

I would try to communicate more clearly. What you are prepared and willing to do. Explain your perspective hopefully you guys can get more clarity on your marriage and this particular matter.

Regardless, GL OP

Edited October 2, 2015 by heo luoi

[tonytranny2015 0]

RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Darnell 8,478]

heya - just checking in - any news ? all of yer body parts intact, as well ?!?!? !??

[Kelvavik 1]

heya - just checking in - any news ? all of yer body parts intact, as well ?!?!? !??

Here's an update: I told her I would sign the form if she went to counseling with me. Initially she was furious and said she wouldn't go to counseling for anything, but ultimately she capitulated and we went to both a counselor at her church and one at our medical clinic. Through this process, it became clear to me that her divorce threats are empty threats and that she really wants a loving & supportive family. It's just that given her maturity level and that she thinks I'm afraid of divorce, she uses that any time she's angry such that it now almost means nothing. The key to identifying if one is serious with a threat - as opposed to just being upset - is to ask for the threat in writing and/or ask her friends if she's serious. She's made other threats (not divorce threats) which I haven't complied with and she never followed through with the threat.

She's also honoring my request that she find a place for her mother to live. (our place is too small to accommodate an additional adult, along with the fact that I often need to work from home). This was a condition I placed upon her in exchange for me signing the form.

There are some who have posted in here who say the mere mention of the word "divorce" is enough for me to run and/or not sign the i-864a. For those who fall into this category, I want for my marriage to work and value the positives my wife brings to our family & household. There are far more positives than an obviously empty threat which periodically resurfaces. If there weren't any positives to our marriage, I would have done precisely what you suggested a long time ago. But I'm guessing that you've set your bar at a different level than I have such that in your value system, one simple misdeed means the marriage should be terminated.

There are some who have posted in here who say they don't know the relationship well enough to draw a judgement on what it means that my wife threatens divorce.

There are some who have stepped back from the fact that a threat was made and offered information on what signing the i-864a means. Thanks for your feedback.

[Darnell 8,478]

ya, my ex threatened divorce often. i thought she meant it, when she actually did not. took a recent friend of hers to explain it to me.

so, i was hoping it was something similar for you.

[Kelvavik 1]

ya, my ex threatened divorce often. i thought she meant it, when she actually did not. took a recent friend of hers to explain it to me.

so, i was hoping it was something similar for you.

I've read a little more on how to tell if a divorce threat is serious and how to respond. I've gotten to the point where it's clear to me that her divorce threats are her way of reacting when she's angry. But we had this agreement that she now wants to renege on. I signed the I-864a in exchange for her finding a place for her mother to live. Whenever I ask about the progress of her finding a place, she gives me the cold shoulder and says I don't care. she also adds that her mother can stay at our place for an indeterminate period of time, which is not only unacceptable to me, but it is in violation of a clear agreement my wife and I had. IOW, she's getting greedy and doesn't respect our agreement. I've even offered to help out with her mother's living expenses, but that doesn't seem to help.

I'm very tempted to say her mother can stay with us for a week or so, after which I'd take on the expense of her housing for a few months and/or until my wife goes back to work full time. But each time I give in, she asks for something more. As I am a co-signee of an I-864, I wonder if I have any obligations with respect to allowing her to stay at our house and to what degree my obligations would be to support her if she lives elsewhere.

Another thing which I found out recently is she is using a loophole in the USCIS laws. Her ultimate goal is to get her sister here. As my wife can't directly petition her sister, she is petitioning her mother so her mother can petition her sister. She tells me her mother doesn't even want to come here. I doubt there is any violation of USCIS law here, but I wonder about how the USCIS feels about circumvention of their rules by using tactics of this type.

[Umka36 781]

I've read a little more on how to tell if a divorce threat is serious and how to respond. I've gotten to the point where it's clear to me that her divorce threats are her way of reacting when she's angry. But we had this agreement that she now wants to renege on. I signed the I-864a in exchange for her finding a place for her mother to live. Whenever I ask about the progress of her finding a place, she gives me the cold shoulder and says I don't care. she also adds that her mother can stay at our place for an indeterminate period of time, which is not only unacceptable to me, but it is in violation of a clear agreement my wife and I had. IOW, she's getting greedy and doesn't respect our agreement. I've even offered to help out with her mother's living expenses, but that doesn't seem to help.

I'm very tempted to say her mother can stay with us for a week or so, after which I'd take on the expense of her housing for a few months and/or until my wife goes back to work full time. But each time I give in, she asks for something more. As I am a co-signee of an I-864, I wonder if I have any obligations with respect to allowing her to stay at our house and to what degree my obligations would be to support her if she lives elsewhere.

Another thing which I found out recently is she is using a loophole in the USCIS laws. Her ultimate goal is to get her sister here. As my wife can't directly petition her sister, she is petitioning her mother so her mother can petition her sister. She tells me her mother doesn't even want to come here. I doubt there is any violation of USCIS law here, but I wonder about how the USCIS feels about circumvention of their rules by using tactics of this type.

Unfortunately nothing you can do, beside not agreeing to sign the I-864a (or withdraw if it's already sent). People do this all the time, and it's perfectly legal. I imagine you'll be asked to sign the I-864a again for her sister.

Marriage is about compromise, and giving into whatever she wants is going create resentment/anger. That's a marriage killer.

[Unlockable 7,314]

I've read a little more on how to tell if a divorce threat is serious and how to respond. I've gotten to the point where it's clear to me that her divorce threats are her way of reacting when she's angry. But we had this agreement that she now wants to renege on. I signed the I-864a in exchange for her finding a place for her mother to live. Whenever I ask about the progress of her finding a place, she gives me the cold shoulder and says I don't care. she also adds that her mother can stay at our place for an indeterminate period of time, which is not only unacceptable to me, but it is in violation of a clear agreement my wife and I had. IOW, she's getting greedy and doesn't respect our agreement. I've even offered to help out with her mother's living expenses, but that doesn't seem to help.

I'm very tempted to say her mother can stay with us for a week or so, after which I'd take on the expense of her housing for a few months and/or until my wife goes back to work full time. But each time I give in, she asks for something more. As I am a co-signee of an I-864, I wonder if I have any obligations with respect to allowing her to stay at our house and to what degree my obligations would be to support her if she lives elsewhere.

Another thing which I found out recently is she is using a loophole in the USCIS laws. Her ultimate goal is to get her sister here. As my wife can't directly petition her sister, she is petitioning her mother so her mother can petition her sister. She tells me her mother doesn't even want to come here. I doubt there is any violation of USCIS law here, but I wonder about how the USCIS feels about circumvention of their rules by using tactics of this type.

Hi Kelvavik,

I was soooooooooo close to responding to your update when you stated the compromise that you would sign the waiver if she agreed to counseling. It didn't seem like a solid agreement at all. But once you mentioned how she realized her actions were wrong I believed that you two were going to be ok.

Please don't take this the wrong way but it seems like she is going to have things her way by any means necessary and you are continuously giving in. Before, it was finding a place for her mother. Now, it is her mother can stay for a week and you will help with her mother's expense at her own place. It seems like your concerns are being ignored and you will have a mother-in-law under your roof soon. And subsequently a sister-in-law as well. Many, many people in this thread have told you that this is not a healthy relationship. And her going back on her word in the agreement is unfortunately another red flag. From the outside in it looks like once you agreed to sign the waiver in exchange for counseling she played the roll long enough for the ink to dry on the affidavit. Now it is back to business as usual.

First the threat of divorce now reneging on an agreement.

I am extremely sorry you have to go through this. Nothing is more stressful than being with someone and them having no regards to your feelings. If you are adamant about her mother not living there then you have a very serious issue that you have with your wife because it seems like she is moving full steam ahead. And it will be at your expense (literally).

Just wanted to add that another reason I was going to reply your previous update post was for the fact that you mentioned how people took her threatening divorce as a reason to leave her. I don't blame you for trying to work it out with your wife. But as an seemingly intelligent adult you can't ignore her actions. People in here were letting you know that threatening divorce IS a BIG thing. And it shouldn't be accepted even if it is "just the way they react when they are angry". No one is doubting your love for her. But you have the right to your own opinions and feelings in a marriage.

You can tell your wife that since she wants to renege on her agreement to find her mother a place you will withdraw the affidavit. Up to you.

The best of luck to you.

Edited February 11, 2016 by NuestraUnion

[Lee&Ana 88]

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[Kelvavik 1]

yup.

but what happened prior?

1. bill presentation to I-864 signer

2. meeting at local USCIS office

3. I-864 signer refuse to pay

4. I-864 signer gets wage-garnishment for several years

5. I-864 signer declares bankruptcy

and then, only then, will they come after you. This could take years, as it takes 2 to 3 years for DHS to wake up and seek renumeration (the step 0 not listed)

but - bear in mind, that the use of any means-tested benefits (which you are on the hook for) is extremely rare in Texas, as each entity that issues federal-level benefits based on applicants income ALWAYS checks for citizenship status. An LPR, a greencard holder, is not eligible for this stuff until after 5 years of holding LPR status. So, that's an extra five years that you not have to worry about this crup.

Remember - it's not a form signifying that you will support the intending immigrant at 125 percent of the poverty guidelines. Instead, what yer signing is a contract to repay the federal government IF the intending immigrant actually uses federal-level means-tested-benefits. In Texas, it's impossible, as the immigrant's status is looked at inside the SAVE database each and every time.

Can you cite your source for #s 1-5 above. What you're saying makes sense, but I'd like to read the entire document.

[Unlockable 7,314]

yup.

but what happened prior?

1. bill presentation to I-864 signer

2. meeting at local USCIS office

3. I-864 signer refuse to pay

4. I-864 signer gets wage-garnishment for several years

5. I-864 signer declares bankruptcy

and then, only then, will they come after you. This could take years, as it takes 2 to 3 years for DHS to wake up and seek renumeration (the step 0 not listed)

but - bear in mind, that the use of any means-tested benefits (which you are on the hook for) is extremely rare in Texas, as each entity that issues federal-level benefits based on applicants income ALWAYS checks for citizenship status. An LPR, a greencard holder, is not eligible for this stuff until after 5 years of holding LPR status. So, that's an extra five years that you not have to worry about this crup.

Remember - it's not a form signifying that you will support the intending immigrant at 125 percent of the poverty guidelines. Instead, what yer signing is a contract to repay the federal government IF the intending immigrant actually uses federal-level means-tested-benefits. In Texas, it's impossible, as the immigrant's status is looked at inside the SAVE database each and every time.

There is one other aspect of this. The intending immigrant (not just the government) can legally sue the sponsors for not providing financial support.

Maybe I'm a little skeptical but I see a domino affect in his case. Say after the mother arrives the wife DOES divorce him. He is obligated to support both the wife and mother. If he refuses then she can immediately sue the OP to enforce her I-864. And since her mother is dependent of the OP's wife she will be included also. Am I wrong or does this poor guy has the potential to be royally screwed?