Going back to Russia

[slim 1,525]

OMG is there any trust between you two? I for one will always let my wife go back to England to vist family. I sure hope he is a better husband then what I am reading here. OMG That really freaks me out that a man would say such a thing!! Have YOU ever considered a divorce.? WOW, good luck and bless

I wish the "it's so hard having an S/O from the UK/Canada" folks would stop by here more often.

Then maybe they could actually read ALL the posts before chipping in their 2 pence about the status of a relationship between an American and a Russian.

[akdiver 3]

Then maybe they could actually read ALL the posts before chipping in their 2 pence about the status of a relationship between an American and a Russian.

No chance. This would interfere with their stereotypes and other pre-conceptions about us fat old ugly white men hooking up with beautiful, barely legal Russian teens (that we do not deserve), who we just want to have around to ###### and clean our house.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[russ 1]

At 28 I'm not old yet, but Galina would love for me to gain a few pounds. (160 is kind of thin for 5'11)

She thinks that I will look better when I'm older too, but that is both good and worth waiting for...

about us fat old ugly white men

[Turboguy 6]

To me, there are a lot of things that should be discussed before marriage and even before the K-1. My fiancee and I had that talk long ago, even before we got engaged.

What is right for us is not right for others but just for the record our agreement was that she can go back twice a year but that I want her to go in the spring and fall when the airfare is cheap. I also told her that if she gets feelings of real homesickness she should just get on the plane and go whenever it is because I want her to be happy and to not feel she is trapped someplace and sad. I do want to add something to explain my own reasons for this. My fiancee came here once before on a K-1 and was left alone at home for very long periods. Sitting home, alone and with no friends she experieced a lot of homesickness and I do care very much about her happiness. Sometimes just knowing you can go lets you relax and not worry about things. I also don't plan to let her sit home alone with nothing to do if I ever get here here.

What I just said has nothing to do with Mrs Satelite. However it sounds to me like she has a real psychological need to make a trip home. I have to agree with the other posters 3 months is a long, long time. I like my relatives but would get sick of looking at them for 3 months. I think too they might need a little break from each other and two weeks to a month at home might do them both some good. I have read a lot of stories about first trips home and usually after a month they can't wait to get back here anyway. I have to agree it is not more expensive to go for a few weeks or a month than for a longer period. Often airfares are much higher if you are staying over 30 days. I think that may not be true with Aeroflop (not a typo) but otherwise it is much more expensive to say for 3 months.

[slim 1,525]

I do want to add something to explain my own reasons for this. My fiancee came here once before on a K-1 and was left alone at home for very long periods. Sitting home, alone and with no friends she experieced a lot of homesickness and I do care very much about her happiness. Sometimes just knowing you can go lets you relax and not worry about things. I also don't plan to let her sit home alone with nothing to do if I ever get here here.

I wish I could say that to my wife. It's just not possible. She has been sitting here, home alone, for long periods of time. Granted, I'm home every day for a little while, but she sits here all night while I'm at work and all day while I'm sleeping, all by herself.

I would like to give her the option to go back if she wanted, but there's just no money for that. Hopefully she'll get that EAD soon, and then she'll be able to work which will do two things; it will get her out a lot more, and it will help her meet people to do things with.

My wife knew it was going to be like this before she came, and she still struggles with it sometimes. She fills her time up pretty well, but if your fiancee/wife is the type that can't sit at home or always has to be doing something, you MUST stress to her that she's going to be very BORED for the first 6 months or so after her arrival. And, as far as going home to "visit family and friends" that's going to have to be dealt with based on your financial situation. The main thing to keep in mind is that she sees you spending thousands and thousands of dollars on this process to come see her, make the applications, etc., and then you tell her you're broke. Even if it's the truth, there's still some doubt in the back of her head. (Especially if she's used to being "taken care of" over there.) I think in order for anyone's K-1/3 to be successful, you're going to have to paint an accurate picture of your financial status BEFORE she gets here. The more prepared she is for what she's going to face, the better off she'll (and your relationship) will be.

[wissooner 0]

The main thing to keep in mind is that she sees you spending thousands and thousands of dollars on this process to come see her, make the applications, etc., and then you tell her you're broke. Even if it's the truth, there's still some doubt in the back of her head. (Especially if she's used to being "taken care of" over there.) I think in order for anyone's K-1/3 to be successful, you're going to have to paint an accurate picture of your financial status BEFORE she gets here. The more prepared she is for what she's going to face, the better off she'll (and your relationship) will be.

Absolutely agree. My four tips to Russia, telephone bills, ect., ect. hasn't been cheap. I told my finace that this whole process has been expensive and in no way could I afford to do it again without saving for a long time. She understood. I have set aside airfare money for her to fly back to Russia once a year to visit family and friends. She is ok with this. Yes, I have been very upfront with her about money...

[russ 1]

It really doesn't matter how much you make, money will always be tight at some point in time for any couple. Unexpected bills always show up. It is hard enough sticking to a budget for one. Doing it for two on a single income always causes problems.

Absolutely agree. My four tips to Russia, telephone bills, ect., ect. hasn't been cheap. I told my finace that this whole process has been expensive and in no way could I afford to do it again without saving for a long time. She understood. I have set aside airfare money for her to fly back to Russia once a year to visit family and friends. She is ok with this. Yes, I have been very upfront with her about money...

[akdiver 3]

I agree with slim about that 6 month period. It took my wife that long before she got a job. We could have shaved two months off, had we got married the second she got here (rather than waiting about 2 months), so it seems like 4 months is the minimum between arriving and getting a job. However, she can VOLUNTEER right away. My wife volunteered at the library and it helped tremendously, in a lot of ways. I've posted on this before, but in the end, she only has to sit home alone if she isn't motivated to do better. There are lots of places to volunteer and get out and about and be around people, or at a minimum, depending on where you live, hook up with other Russian girls in your area and just go hang out with them. They probably have a car and can drive, and show her around and such. Not a bad way to go.

On the homesickness stuff - my wife was fine for the first 3 months or so. From the time we got married until the time she got a job (the last half of that first six months), it was probably the worse. The excitement of looking forward to getting married was gone, and we were in USCIS waiting mode. After she got the job, it lifted a bit, and within a year, it was mostly gone.

As for going home - my wife said she didn't really want to go home for at least a year, if not longer. I think she wanted to settle in first. As it stands now, we are planning to go to Russia around Summer 2008, which is three years since she arrived. This is her choice, we could have gone earlier if she had really wanted to. By May 2008, we will have finished this graduate program we are in, and she will be looking for a better job. The plan is to try to go over that summer, maybe she can take a month off work (unpaid if necessary) to go home and visit before she gets the new job, which is unlikely to give her real vacation time anytime soon.

Cheers!

AKDiver

Edited May 9, 2007 by akdiver

[Mrs.J06 4]

I don't really belong here, since I'm from Germany, but don't flame me right away, I'd like to point out one thing here which is my personal experience: I travel back to Germany on a regular basis for business sometimes with my husband and sometimes by myself (I now work for the US subsidiary company of the German company I used to work for, and so does my husband).

I agree with what AKdiver said: It does not necessarily help with homesickness if you go back! Sometimes I feel like I'm "postphoning" the transition and adjustment period to the US by the frequent visits. In Germany, I make up for the lack of social contacts I experience here, and I'm not as serious about finding new friends here as I would be if the next visit wouldn't already be planned and booked when I come back. Does that make any sense?

During an "intercultural training" provided by our company to the Expats they are told that travelling back to the home country is only advised after one year at the earliest, and should not be longer than two weeks to make adjustment to the new life easier. And this is for people who are usually only gone for a two to three year period.

Everybody is different, of course. I can certainly understand the people who experience homesickness, but then again, the focus should be on the new life in the US. If you have a chance to, travel within the US, go camping if money is tight, give the new resident time to bond with the US. I absolutely love going on roadtrips with my husband, even if it's just over the weekend.

[Satellite 1]

I would like to give her the option to go back if she wanted, but there's just no money for that. Hopefully she'll get that EAD soon, and then she'll be able to work which will do two things; it will get her out a lot more, and it will help her meet people to do things with.

Now imagine, if everything your wife earned with that EAD would be spent on trips to Russia and entertainment in Russia, even if she were to go once or twice a year for a short period of time. That becomes very frustrating and selfish which was part of the original problem. Why work at all, and when you do get married and can work, I always had this expectation of working together for a common family goal which in my opinion does not include Russia, when there are more burning issues in the US, like buy a second car or even a home some day. The whole point of getting married in my opinion was to improve both of our lives financially and not make it more burdensome by having one work to support two. I think there is a serious problem with that kind of lifestyle; where you work in America all year just to have a "good life" in Russia for a few months out of that year! I believe you either live there or here. And going back should not be your goal while living here.

[Turboguy 6]

I just read the whole thread to bring myself up to speed. It seems like the guys are siding with Satelite and the gals with Olga.

I think my view is 80% Satelite, 20% Olga. I think if the parents have been her for the last three months that it should not be a time for a 3 month visit to Russia. I can also agree that summer is a time that she could be earning enough extra to help improve their lifestyle.

Most of us are at different stages of life the the others. Satelite is trying to build something that will make your life better for the rest of your life. He needs you both to work as a team. Americans are sometimes a little better at putting off until tomorrow so you can have a better one and I think the russian people tend to be a bit more live for today types. It is not easy to do what he is doing.

I am not sure how much you talked about your life and what it would be like before you were married but if you did not talk about this then you have no choice but to find a compromise. My suggestion would be to forget about going now. You are a Russian and Russians are tough and can do anything they set their mind to. Try to reach a compromise like going for 3 weeks over the Christmas holidays. You parents would have been back for a while and seeing them again would make the trip more special.

I have to say it is nice and different that Olga's parents are helping them financially. Usually the reverse is true. That is pretty cool.

I sense that you both care a lot about each other so I hope you are able to reach a compromise.

[akdiver 3]

I would like to give her the option to go back if she wanted, but there's just no money for that. Hopefully she'll get that EAD soon, and then she'll be able to work which will do two things; it will get her out a lot more, and it will help her meet people to do things with.

Now imagine, if everything your wife earned with that EAD would be spent on trips to Russia and entertainment in Russia, even if she were to go once or twice a year for a short period of time. That becomes very frustrating and selfish which was part of the original problem. Why work at all, and when you do get married and can work, I always had this expectation of working together for a common family goal which in my opinion does not include Russia, when there are more burning issues in the US, like buy a second car or even a home some day. The whole point of getting married in my opinion was to improve both of our lives financially and not make it more burdensome by having one work to support two. I think there is a serious problem with that kind of lifestyle; where you work in America all year just to have a "good life" in Russia for a few months out of that year! I believe you either live there or here. And going back should not be your goal while living here.

Exactly. It is completely selfish and hardly amounts of sharing a life together. A trip or a visit once in a while is one thing, but being gone for 3 months at a shot is just not acceptable, esp. when it is done without any regard for the feelings of the other half. Imagine if you were in this conversation:

H: Honey, I got a great job offer in Miami. We're moving in a month.

W: Miami? I don't want to go down there. I like it here.

H: Well, too bad, I wanted that job and I took it. I've already quit my old job! We move in 2 weeks.

How reasonable is that?

Before my wife came, we talked about her apartment. She didn't want to sell it really (all the obvious reasons - you can figure it out). I just was honest and said something like, "well, you can do what you want, I don't like it, it seems like it creates a division in our shared life - but you can do what you want." I didn't push her or pressure her hard on the issue at all - but in the end, she sold it. She decided that yeah, I was right, and that the right thing to do was to sell it, bring the money with her, and put it toward our shared life together. Had she NOT done this, I never would have said anything more, but it really would have bothered me.

If my wife told me now that she was *unilaterally* declaring she was taking the summer off, without pay, and going to live in Russia for 3 months, or even 1 month, without any regard for my feelings on the matter or our financial position, I can tell you that it would not sit well at all.

People can try to make it about sexism, or culture, or family visits all they want to, but it is about respect and a shared understanding of what marriage is all about, not to mention having a basic grip on the realities of practical life.

So - that said - Satellite, where do you guys stand? Is she going (has she gone?) or what?

Cheers!

AKDiver

[russ 1]

We are going for a fairly long trip this summer. It took more than a year to agree on how we would do this. Galina wanted to go for 3 months, for me to stay and work, and send money. I wanted both of us to go. We have comprimised on going for 30 days together. We are lucky that we can afford to do this. The bills in the US don't go away when you leave.

For the record, I don't think it is fair to leave town even one day to see your friends, without checking with your spouse. 99% of the time, your spouse will be fine with it anyway. If I told Galina I was flying to Boston this weekend to party with my friends, I can guarantee she would think the money would be better spent on things at home. If I said that I was leaving for 3 months, and that she was on her own supporting herself (she's a grad student), she would (rightly so) be furious.

If my wife told me now that she was *unilaterally* declaring she was taking the summer off, without pay, and going to live in Russia for 3 months, or even 1 month, without any regard for my feelings on the matter or our financial position, I can tell you that it would not sit well at all.

[Satellite 1]

So - that said - Satellite, where do you guys stand? Is she going (has she gone?) or what?

The best "we" could do was find a compromise on all fronts. We are going to go on a free trip to Israel in the beginning of August through http://www.birthrightisrael.com/. Afterwards I will return to the US to go back to work and school for my last semester and Olga will spend 1 month in Russia and return to start school as a transfer student this upcoming fall quarter at the end of September. Although I am still upset that she is going against my wishes she did promise to work extra hours up to August to make up for the time she is gone. Hopefully her employer will grant her a leave of absence of some sort so she still has a job to return to. Because as mentioned before her parents did leave her some money, and we are using the free ticket to cover the majority of the flight, financially we might just break even. So we are not getting divorced, although I am still upset with her level of selfishness. I am not looking forward to being apart for one month Edited May 10, 2007 by Satellite

[Turboguy 6]

I am glad you got it worked out. Now you both should just put it all behind you and concentrate on being happy.