Going back to Russia

[slim 1,525]

With the extra replies, I see the issue in a little more light now.

For the record, Olga, I am 27 and will be 28 next month. I lived in a foreign country several times while in the military (and although I realize that's not the same, at least I have a little insight.) so I can empathize slightly with what you're going through with the adjustments of being thrown into life abroad.

I have several pros and cons for both of you (and myself/my wife, as I can draw a lot of comparisons to ourselves) and several suggestions.

First off, like I previously related... it is unacceptable in the U.S. for a wife to pack up and leave her husband for the summer if they do not have the financial means to continue their household at the current standard. I acknowledge that your household is going to be changing anyway, however, if you are having visions of the money you're saving up now plus the money your parents are going to give you sustaining you guys through an entire summer, YOU ARE WRONG. There is no way your part-time jobs are allowing you to save to the point of paying for a household all summer. It is impossible. (Unless your parents are giving you (or should I say, him) something like $10,000 or more to pay for everything in California while you're gone.)

Point number two: I understand where he's coming from about not wanting you to go to Russia with the premise that "you're going to see your family." If your mom and dad are here, there's no reason to go back to see your niece, sisters/brothers/cousins, etc., because you don't NEED to see them. You NEED to work together with your husband for the summer so you two are set up financially for the future. Taking the summer off (from work, even if you've saved for it.) is not going to get the two of you financially where he wants to be in the next 3-5 years. One family member taking an entire summer off from work could set the two of you back over a year. Contrast that with the two of you working full time for 3+ months, and that could put you ahead over a year.

Also, if you're going back to Russia to "see your family" (that is somewhat already here) you're almost sounding as if the life that your husband is trying to give you here is not good enough, and you need time to get away, hang out with friends, maybe even see old boyfriends, and basically just party and have a good time, while he is here "sticking to the plan."

That said, it is obvious that your plan does not match up with his plan. This is the underlying problem, and the reason you're back on VJ using your husband's screen name to blast him yet again in an attempt to gain sympathy from those he frequently ignores you to communicate with.

I realize that it seems he's ignoring you while he's on VJ, and "he spends more time on that damned computer than he does with me." (That's a direct quote, I'm sure you've used it... as I've heard it here many times here as well.) The fact of the matter is, VJ is an invaluable tool for dealing with issues just like this. If you and the rest of the wives on here would take the time, as several have, to get your own screen names and post regular blogs, there are probably several problems that could be avoided entirely. I'm currently trying to find a website or blog spot that details to young Russian women how the financial system in the United States works. Another helpful site would be one that explains, in Russian, and maybe even with pictures, that money does not grow on trees, and that spending at a higher rate than earning will eventually create extreme hardships within a marriage.

But, you and Satellite can already communicate in Russian, so I'll leave that alone.

I empathize with you feeling like your husband is ignoring you for his computer, doesn't care about your desire to visit home, and just seems like he could care less about your life in general, all the while expecting you to do everything for him, and getting everything he wants; like getting to see his parents, eat hamburgers, and be in his "comfort zone" of life, while everything you do is a sacrifice for him.

It may appear to be like that.

But if you look a little deeper, is he doing all those things to make life better for you in 5 years, or is he doing all those things because he's a selfish ####### and is just using you to make life easier on himself?

I bet there's a little bit of both! I can tell you that as a man, I am selfish when it comes to stuff like housework and doing chores. I'd go so far as to say that I'm going to ignore my wife MOST of the time if it's not directly related to sex or food. That's just me. That's how I'm wired. As a man, I see it sort of as "I'm out there working and doing my part to get us where we need to be down the road when we have kids, a family, and want to take trips to Russia for the whole summer, so you can do all the housework and things like that now. As a matter of fact, you SHOULD do it all right now to support me, in my hard effort to make a good future for us."

What I forget, as a man, is what my wife is feeling in response to my "hard work for our future." I forget that she is doing all the work around the house; that I am ignoring her unless I want some booty; that I don't act like I give a $#!^ about anything that she's into or wants to share with me; that I need to bring her flowers sometimes and share EMOTIONAL things with her. I also forget that she misses her family and friends, and doesn't have a life besides "our" life here.

And those are all things that I need to be reminded of, and need to significantly improve on in order to be a better husband. BUT IT'S NOT NATURAL AS A MAN TO FEEL/DO THESE THINGS!!! I need practice and constant reminders to do them. And, I don't need bitchy orders, I need serious talks and conversations, and I need cost/benefit scenarios clearly explained.

Most guys are lazy and would rather eat leftover pizza than cook a whole meal. They would like the whole meal, but they're not going to make it themselves. If they have someone to make it for them, of course they're going to have that person make the meal for them, and then enjoy it. But if you're going to ###### about making the meal.....

That's where the two of you are. (And us too.... and I'd say just about most people in the happy/unhappy world of matrimonial bliss.) You need to work out your issues about where you want to be in the future, what's important to you now, etc., before you start jumping on each other about "you said this" or "you did that" or, the dreaded "I"m going to divorce you if you do this."

I think you both are right in this situation. Now comes the hard part that makes marriage unique from just having a roommate that you bump uglies with every now and then...... COMPROMISE!!!! Set out your goals, and a plan on how you're going to get there. Then, how you're going to go about it. The important thing though is that the two of you agree on where you're going, and what you're going to do (and maybe even more importantly, what you're going to sacrifice) to get there.

GOOD LUCK. Keep us posted.

[russ 1]

With the extra replies, I see the issue in a little more light now.

For the record, Olga, I am 27 and will be 28 next month. I lived in a foreign country several times while in the military (and although I realize that's not the same, at least I have a little insight.) so I can empathize slightly with what you're going through with the adjustments of being thrown into life abroad.

I am 28 as well. I've lived in foreign countries for several years (after the military though, in my case).

Last week my Russian professor went to Moscow (in the middle of the semester). She is gone this week too. Even as a student, I don't think it is fair for her to leave for a few weeks - when there are responsibilities here (her family, her students).

Even with the luxury of more money, these problems will still exist. Galina doesn't work (no EAD yet). She does study, which we are fortunate to be able to afford.

[Nancy2015 2]

Hi guys! I would like to ask for your advice! Should a husband let his wife go back to Russia to see her parents, sister, and a small niece? The husband wants his wife to work all summer. He wants her to take care of him... She wants to go back home for a visit. She misses her house, her friends, her relatives. He says that if she leaves, he will file for divorce. Who is right? I know probably that is the hard question... because everybody should solve their problems within the family... but anyway I want you guys to tell me what you think about this. I am that wife... My name is Olga. Don't you guys consider it cruel that my husband doesn't let me go see my family, especially when he goes to his parents almost every week? Thanks in advance!

Hi Olga

There's nothing wrong with wanting to go home for a visit. It's just plain normal. I think the divorce thing is kinda harsh, but I'm also glad we've been fortunate to see both sides of the story. And since you're asking for our opinions, here's mine.

I think going back to Russia for 3 monhs is too much. In fact, I think going anywhere for 3 months is too much. Yes, there are people who can afford it, because they have tons of money put away, but from what I understand, this is not your case.

I'm actually in a similar situation - I'm from Russia, and I haven't been there since I came to the US a few years ago. My parents visited once, but I haven't seen my other relatives and friends all this time (oh well, I actually don't want to ). Sure, I miss my parents, but, on the other hand, when you get married, your spouse becomes your priority. The way I look at it, you should do what's right for your spouse first, and then think about parents/brothers/sisters etc. Of course, this is my opinion and my opinion only, everybody's different.

Whatever you decide to do, I think you two should talk, talk, talk and talk some more about it. The divorce threat was unnecessary, but leaving your husband to his own devices for 3 months doesn't sound right either. Try to find a compromise - maybe you can go there for one week, since your parents want to pay, or maybe you can wait?

Oh dear, my hubby would probably divorce me too if I left him for 3 months!

Good luck to you - this is a problem that can be resolved, I'm sure the two of you really care about each other and want to work it out.

Jewel

[Satellite 1]

In fact, I think going anywhere for 3 months is too much. Yes, there are people who can afford it, because they have tons of money put away, but from what I understand, this is not your case.

I am not that rich to go anywhere just for one week. Plane tickets are expensive, and I will not waste money for one week. This is also a reason why my parents stayed for 3 month in the US. Olga.

[russ 1]

I am not that rich to go anywhere just for one week. Plane tickets are expensive, and I will not waste money for one week. This is also a reason why my parents stayed for 3 month in the US. Olga.

The standard in the US is 2 weeks of vacation a year. One of the biggest differences I noticed in Europe is how much time people take off from work (6-8 weeks, plus sick time, etc...) One of the primary reasons my friends in Europe don't want to live in the US is the lack of time off.

Good or bad, that is American culture. We don't get much time away from work.

[Nancy2015 2]

In fact, I think going anywhere for 3 months is too much. Yes, there are people who can afford it, because they have tons of money put away, but from what I understand, this is not your case.

I am not that rich to go anywhere just for one week. Plane tickets are expensive, and I will not waste money for one week. This is also a reason why my parents stayed for 3 month in the US. Olga.

I don't get it. Spending 1-2 weeks in another country is cheaper than spending 3 months there.

The standard in the US is 2 weeks of vacation a year. One of the biggest differences I noticed in Europe is how much time people take off from work (6-8 weeks, plus sick time, etc...) One of the primary reasons my friends in Europe don't want to live in the US is the lack of time off.

Good or bad, that is American culture. We don't get much time away from work.

In my company we get 3 weeks of vacation a year minimum, and my American colleagues still complain how much it sucks, and how much better they have it there in Europe But I think 3 weeks is enough. I love it

When my parents visited me, they could only come for 2 weeks, because that's how much time off my Dad got. It wouldn't be possible for him to take 3 months off - he would get fired!

I think they get 4 weeks of vacation a year in Russia, but I've never heard of anyone who was able to take 4 weeks in a row. People normally take 2 weeks in summer and 2 weeks in winter or whenever a supervisor allows. But don't quote me on that - I don't know exactly.

[KoshkaMoshka 0]

Dear Olga!!!

Absolutely i disagree with yuour husband!!!I understand you well that you miss your family(me too:(i miss alot!!!)

I didn't see my mom 2 years and for me it wasn't easy(but i couldn't go to Russia because i didn't have a green'card...so i still don't have but i wanted soooo much to see my family that we applyed for travel doc ...i've been in russia a few months ago and i had very good time!!(i stayed there 2 months and for me it was very short time:))

i think your husband should understand that you need to see your family and friends.....it's really cruel that he's not allowed you to go:(((when he was thinking to have a rissian wife -did he think that you will want to go to see your family?????And you will miss them???

I hope you can go and best wishes you!!!!!!!

[KoshkaMoshka 0]

well....i read here post of your husband and he wrote that your family was in usa and you've been in russia...

So that's a good thing that you can see them here...my mother wasn't here in usa and I very would like her to visit me ....

[rebeccajo 14]

Is Satellite in law school?

That's a bunch of hard-### work. But there's a big pot of gold at the end of that road, plus it'll probably be rewarding work.

I think that a summer vacation - male or female - russian, european, filipina or whatever - is a bit unrealistic for most Americans.

Time to adjust Olga.

Edited February 27, 2007 by rebeccajo

[mrsushi66 0]

I have thought about this for a while. There could never be enough information posted by either of you for any of us to truly understand the situation and to be honest I am not sure you both understand each other's point of view.

My point of view on this is that this is the sort of thing people need to discuss way before this point. Anna and I have talked about the time to visit and I told her once she is here and has a full understanding of our financial situation we can figure out what is feasable and what is not. Now if you have discussed this and Olga now wants to visit more often than orginally agreed upon that is a different story. Your a family now, there is no him or her it is us. Every decision you make as an individual will affect your spouse.

I am not going to say who is right or who is wrong since I truly believe this is more to this story than either of you is able to post. I hope both of you sit down and truly try to understand the other person's point of view so that if you dont agree with it you can discuss it on an less emotional level.

Good luck.

Paul misses Anna

[Nanusia & Lukaszek 0]

I think all the guys are in agreement because it is a guy thing. Olga I'm on your side!

I think its incredibly hard to drop your life & move to a different country. Ok, some of you say you did it, and it was manageable, but its hard as hell. You leave all your friends, all family, everything you've got accustomed to all these years. Yes, you are doing it for love, but you still miss home. No one can deny that! Mom & dad visiting is cool, but you miss all your old stuff, and a trip down memory lane is not that un-understandable.

Russia is a bit more expensive to visit. My question is how in the world did your husband exist before you? Was he free-loading off other chicks to get by in law school? I understand your trip being expensive, and 3 months is a quarter of a whole year, lonnnnng time. Maybe a month would be better. This would be plenty time to catch up with everyone & get back to your husband before he delivers divorce papers.

I think there is another issue that no one mentioned yet... jealousy??? Your husband is probably worried about what you will be doing for 3 months by yourself (and here I totally understand him.) And the weird part is that you guys aren't discussing this vacation, it seems you made up your mind prior to talking it over with him at all. You are also giving an ultimatum, I'm going no matter what, marriage or no marriage.

[slim 1,525]

For my part....

Guy thing, girl thing... no matter. If you want to leave your partner for a few months against their wishes, that is unnacceptable.

An agreement must be reached before any trip is taken.

[Otto 83]

(obviously major portions of information is missing here...but)

• 3 months is a long time, money or not.
  
• I'd be thinking you're going and not returning
  
• It would feel odd to not go together
  

Spend all that time apart to get a visa to come together, then spend an equal amount of time apart again...not me/us. We'd either go together or make the trip shorter.

Just because our mouths are moving doesn't always mean we're communicating. ~Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

[bruc 0]

I've never had a three week vacation, never even crossed my mind to think about a three month vacation.

I'm self-employed...some people think I've got it made...it just means I work longer hours and have much less free time for vacations.

It takes me months of planning to be able to fly to my fiance and the little one for 12 days including travel time.

I feel blessed that I can get those few precious 12 days off a couple times a year to fly to them and spend quality time with them.

My fiance knows my work, she knows I work long hours but my office is in my home and she knows they'll not be here alone while adjusting.

I clean my own home, I cook my own meals, I wash and iron my clothes.

When the girls get here, I'll help with the chores...why not?...She's worked 12 hour night shifts for a small salary most of her adult life..I'm sure she'll enjoy having the help so we can get outa the house faster to do fun things.

Going back to Russia to spend three months with her family, she says no...we go together for the usual 12 days that I'm accustomed to having.

My fiance says...it takes a long time to be together as a family, we visit together as a family...and besides, I would worry about you without me!

HALLULAH!

bruc

[Randy + Maggie 0]

OMG is there any trust between you two? I for one will always let my wife go back to England to vist family. I sure hope he is a better husband then what I am reading here. OMG That really freaks me out that a man would say such a thing!! Have YOU ever considered a divorce.? WOW, good luck and bless