Going back to Russia

[Satellite 1]

Hi guys! I would like to ask for your advice! Should a husband let his wife go back to Russia to see her parents, sister, and a small niece? The husband wants his wife to work all summer. He wants her to take care of him... She wants to go back home for a visit. She misses her house, her friends, her relatives. He says that if she leaves, he will file for divorce. Who is right? I know probably that is the hard question... because everybody should solve their problems within the family... but anyway I want you guys to tell me what you think about this. I am that wife... My name is Olga. Don't you guys consider it cruel that my husband doesn't let me go see my family, especially when he goes to his parents almost every week? Thanks in advance!

[Chuckles 0]

The woman should support him all summer while the man drinks beer and watches t.v. on the couch of course! If she abondons him in this time of need he should find another woman, and fast.

[Dan J 277]

I hope your husband wasn't serious about the divorce ultimatum.

This kind of internal marriage problem is better be solved by both of you without any third or fourth person. Because there are those time when you want to have another advice from someone else and in the end it makes everything worse instead of better.

I know you miss your family very much. But you already knew that you took your own risk whenever you decided to live in the US, everyone here is the same. Some even already miss their family though they haven't left to the US yet. No matter what, you and your husband should come back to the very basis of why you both want to be together, love and compassionates.

My best wishes for you, I really hope you have strength to solve it.

xoxo

[Dan J 277]

The woman should support him all summer while the man drinks beer and watches t.v. on the couch of course! If she abondons him in this time of need he should find another woman, and fast.

Typical husband that I will avoid

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Well are you working now ?

Will taking time off ruin your job.?

These are things that have to be considered also.... remember you are a team..a couple..You have to think about the family the marriage your in now.. You have to be adult with the decisions.. because a marriage is a relationship built on working together to build the future....

I couldn't imagine saying no to Veronica... But we would need to plan and save for it..so that it doesn't put the family in financial problems.. So you need to think of that also.. Once you have the money saved...and the vacation time coming from your Job.. then it shouldn't be a problem....

Of course to be able to fully see the picture...We need your husbands side of the story...

[slim 1,525]

Olga,

The standard of living that you have grown accustomed to (i.e.; a roof over your head, food on the table, electricity, etc., which some would consider necessities here in the U.S., or anywhere for that matter) here with your husband is something that the TWO of you together are needed to achieve. If one (or both) of you stops working, even if for only the summer, without proper financial planning, the household will collapse. It is almost impossible for two young people to maintain an independent household (without help from parents, and not living together with them) without both people working.

That said, I realize you miss your family and your homeland. However, visiting Russia for the summer is a major trip, and here in the U.S., to take a major trip usually requires YEARS of hard work to save for, or the sale and close of a household here, that will be moved to Russia. Your husband can't go right now, and for you to stop bringing money into the household for the summer is unacceptable.

The two of you may have a little extra money, but it is not the type of money that is going to pay for your trip and expenses, meanwhile sustaining the household back in California. He was doing it on his own before your arrival and saved all extra money for your household and expenses associated with adding another family member. Once you started working, that money added to the household income, but it still doesn't make "extra" money. If you're going to go to Russia for the summer, you have to factor in the cost and expenses of your trip, PLUS the money that you are NOT bringing in to the household anymore. Now, your $1200 trip just became a $5000+ trip, all the while he still has to pay the rent, the car payments, the insurance, the gas and electric, credit cards, school loans, etc., and anything else associated with your household, all without help from you!

With two young people working, it isn't very hard to make ends meet. Sure, you're not going to be rich, but there really isn't any stress about money, or the lack thereof. With only one person working, it is EXTREMELY hard to make ends meet, especially when one is spending a significant chunk on themselves, and no longer bringing any money in.

I realize the situation you're in. He gets to see his family and friends all the time, and you haven't seen yours in two years. He just keeps working and doing school stuff, while you work and miss him, miss home, and never see an end. It's hard. But what you have to keep in mind is if the two of you work hard at it for two more years, you should have plenty of money for BOTH of you to take off to Russia for the summer. Being married is tough, especially when you're so far away from home, and your life is so dependant on his right now. However, in the long run, that should balance back out, and the two of you should be stronger together.

If you leave for the summer, divorce is not an unacceptable proposal. It would be nearly impossible for him to maintain the household at home while you are away spending a huge chunk of the household's budget. If you do this, when you return... there won't be a household to return to. Part of being a young married couple in the U.S. (and especially California) is being 100% dependant on each other for financial support. To let down your partner financially, once a standard of living has been established, is to let the marriage down. If you're going to let the marriage down by not bringing in your "half" of the money, (and subsequently spending a significant chunk of "his" money as well) divorce is absolutely an option.

I know Satellite is still big in the school thing, so he may need you to "support" him for a while. If you do this, consider it an investment, because by him going to school, and finishing law school, you will have all the money that you want to go visit your relatives in the future. You probably won't even have to work, and can spend every summer in Russia if you so desire. The trade-off for that is supporting him now. That's how marriages here become successful. One partner or the other must sacrifice a desire in the short-term for a pay-off in the long-term.

What I suggest:

Wait until you have vacation time from your job (that way you're still being paid) and take a short trip to Russia to see your family. If he can go with you, great, if not, no big deal, it's a short trip. Come back, support him through school, and then when the two of you have enough money, go for the whole summer, TOGETHER! But for now, it's going to have to be a short trip.

Or, you're going to have to choose between your husband and life here in California, or life in Russia with your friends and family. Good luck with everything.... I have a feeling I'm going to be having this very same talk in a year or two.

[Augustajim 0]

Wrong!!

The woman should support him all summer while the man drinks beer and watches t.v. on the couch of course! If she abondons him in this time of need he should find another woman, and fast.

[Boris 0]

if your husband wants you to be with him during the summer,it's understandable.but how can he say things like divorce,when you talk about seeing your family.if he really means it,then it's not love and that's not happy life.what if you say to him no more baseball, monday night football or whatever he likes or you will file for divorce.I know it sounds rediculous because in case of divorce you go to back to russia.But on the other hand when he says about divorce if you go to russia,does he really want this divorce?Does he really want to say good bye to you and never see you again?

[Satellite 1]

Now the husband speaks. It's pretty unique to be quoting my own name, but I'll do my best to explain "both" sides of the story. As everyone knows my wife never posts on here unless we have an argument. Or in this case an ongoing argument. But here are my comments and you guys decide.

The husband wants his wife to work all summer. He wants her to take care of him.

We make about the same each month, but it all falls apart if half is missing. However, Olga is graduating from junior college this semester and will not start school again until the fall, so this summer I though we'd work full time together and make a few extra dollars since normally we only work part time. Perhaps buy Olga a car or maybe take a nice trip together, since we really can't afford vacations.

She wants to go back home for a visit. She misses her house, her friends, her relatives.

There are some mitigating factors here which were not mentioned. Olga went to Russia for one month for the winter of 2005-2006. Her parents are here now with us and have been here for 3 months are leaving shortly. So naturally going to Russia again and for the whole summer makes me very upset.

He says that if she leaves, he will file for divorce.

It's not so much the money as the leaving for the whole summer that has me upset. I don't think that is acceptable. As far the money thing, I pretty much have to close up the households as others guessed it. That would include terminating our lease, placing our stuff in storage, moving back in with my parents or finding roommates here in the city. Moving back in with my parents would entail about a 4-6 hour total commute each day. Since both my jobs are here in the city.

Don't you guys consider it cruel that my husband doesn't let me go see my family, especially when he goes to his parents almost every week?

My parents live only 100 miles away and we go about twice a month or less. We go there to do the basic things like laundry and food shopping because the prices here in the city are outrageous.

[Satellite 1]

Hi guys. Olga again. I have a lot to say. I am going to work now, while he is enjoying his Sunday off. I'll post my reply in about 10 hours.

Edited February 25, 2007 by Satellite

[akdiver 3]

Hi guys! I would like to ask for your advice! Should a husband let his wife go back to Russia to see her parents, sister, and a small niece? The husband wants his wife to work all summer.

I think it is unreasonable for one person in a 2-person couple of expect to take all summer off from work, while the other one works. It is unfair to expect one person to make all the money.

It is also not reasonable to "prohibit" one party from visiting one's family.

I think the reasonable solution is to go for 2-weeks and consider it one's vacation. If the spouse chooses not to spend THEIR vacation time that way, that is up to them.

I think couples choosing not to vacation together, deciding to leave one another for a summer without agreement, or threatening to divorce someone over these kind of circumstances, all represent real communication and other issues within the marriage, which is clearly on shaky grounds. Were it be, I would be more interested in some kind of outside therapy/help with my marriage than going on vacation.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[akdiver 3]

Hi guys! I would like to ask for your advice! Should a husband let his wife go back to Russia to see her parents, sister, and a small niece? The husband wants his wife to work all summer.

I think it is unreasonable for one person in a 2-person couple of expect to take all summer off from work, while the other one works. It is unfair to expect one person to make all the money.

It is also not reasonable to "prohibit" one party from visiting one's family.

I think the reasonable solution is to go for 2-weeks and consider it one's vacation. If the spouse chooses not to spend THEIR vacation time that way, that is up to them.

I think couples choosing not to vacation together, deciding to leave one another for a summer without agreement, or threatening to divorce someone over these kind of circumstances, all represent real communication and other issues within the marriage, which is clearly on shaky grounds. Were it be, I would be more interested in some kind of outside therapy/help with my marriage than going on vacation.

Now - having read the husband's followup - all very valid points. I have to say that under these circumstances, it is very unreasonable for one spouse to expect to take off from work all summer long to visit family who have already been living here for 3 some odd months.

Money is required - this is a necessity and a fact. As the situation is described here, both parties need to work.

I think a reasonable solution is to work and save money all summer and go on vacation together SOMEWHERE, not necessarily Russia. The other possibility is for wife to work all summer take off last week, or maybe two, to go to Russia alone - and understand that by doing so, any possibility for getting a car for the next year is off the table.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[jamrok 0]

The divorce ultimatum is a bit extreme BUT I do see your point.Marriage is all about being on the same wave length. From your post i gather that money is an issue; her parents are here; she was there recently etc.....seems rather unfair that she still wants to go under the current situation. Talk this out without the divorce ultimatum.

[Satellite 1]

The woman should support him all summer while the man drinks beer and watches t.v. on the couch of course! If she abondons him in this time of need he should find another woman, and fast.

Yeah, my husband watches tv. He likes Simpsons. He doesn't drink beer though... and he doesn't let me have some. I wasn't going to abandon him... but it seems its my only choice now. What do you think, should I look for another girl for him? does anybody know a girl who wants to be a future lawyer's wife?

I hope your husband wasn't serious about the divorce ultimatum.

This kind of internal marriage problem is better be solved by both of you without any third or fourth person. Because there are those time when you want to have another advice from someone else and in the end it makes everything worse instead of better.

I know you miss your family very much. But you already knew that you took your own risk whenever you decided to live in the US, everyone here is the same. Some even already miss their family though they haven't left to the US yet. No matter what, you and your husband should come back to the very basis of why you both want to be together, love and compassionates.

My best wishes for you, I really hope you have strength to solve it.

xoxo

This post is awesome. thank you very much for your good words! I know third parties are not going to help us; however, I am really stuck in this situation. I am going to Russia anyway, I just wanted VJ people to help me solve this problem because he seems to care about this site much more than about me...

Well are you working now ?

Will taking time off ruin your job.?

These are things that have to be considered also.... remember you are a team..a couple..You have to think about the family the marriage your in now.. You have to be adult with the decisions.. because a marriage is a relationship built on working together to build the future....

I couldn't imagine saying no to Veronica... But we would need to plan and save for it..so that it doesn't put the family in financial problems.. So you need to think of that also.. Once you have the money saved...and the vacation time coming from your Job.. then it shouldn't be a problem....

Of course to be able to fully see the picture...We need your husbands side of the story...

Yes we are adults. I became an adult when I got married at 18. You have read my husband's side of the story. (I am going to reply to it later). But let me answer your questions: Yes I am working now, probably much more than my husband. But here is the whole situation for you about the job. I am graduating form city college this semester. I applied to different universities. Depending on which school accepts me, we are going to move to that area. So "ruining household" is going to take place anyway. I am going to quit my job because we are moving. The question is WHEN i quit my job- at the beginning of the summer or at the end. My husband was going to go live with his parents, it seems like he likes it much better over there anyway...

Olga,

The standard of living that you have grown accustomed to (i.e.; a roof over your head, food on the table, electricity, etc., which some would consider necessities here in the U.S., or anywhere for that matter) here with your husband is something that the TWO of you together are needed to achieve. If one (or both) of you stops working, even if for only the summer, without proper financial planning, the household will collapse. It is almost impossible for two young people to maintain an independent household (without help from parents, and not living together with them) without both people working.

That said, I realize you miss your family and your homeland. However, visiting Russia for the summer is a major trip, and here in the U.S., to take a major trip usually requires YEARS of hard work to save for, or the sale and close of a household here, that will be moved to Russia. Your husband can't go right now, and for you to stop bringing money into the household for the summer is unacceptable.

The two of you may have a little extra money, but it is not the type of money that is going to pay for your trip and expenses, meanwhile sustaining the household back in California. He was doing it on his own before your arrival and saved all extra money for your household and expenses associated with adding another family member. Once you started working, that money added to the household income, but it still doesn't make "extra" money. If you're going to go to Russia for the summer, you have to factor in the cost and expenses of your trip, PLUS the money that you are NOT bringing in to the household anymore. Now, your $1200 trip just became a $5000+ trip, all the while he still has to pay the rent, the car payments, the insurance, the gas and electric, credit cards, school loans, etc., and anything else associated with your household, all without help from you!

With two young people working, it isn't very hard to make ends meet. Sure, you're not going to be rich, but there really isn't any stress about money, or the lack thereof. With only one person working, it is EXTREMELY hard to make ends meet, especially when one is spending a significant chunk on themselves, and no longer bringing any money in.

I realize the situation you're in. He gets to see his family and friends all the time, and you haven't seen yours in two years. He just keeps working and doing school stuff, while you work and miss him, miss home, and never see an end. It's hard. But what you have to keep in mind is if the two of you work hard at it for two more years, you should have plenty of money for BOTH of you to take off to Russia for the summer. Being married is tough, especially when you're so far away from home, and your life is so dependant on his right now. However, in the long run, that should balance back out, and the two of you should be stronger together.

If you leave for the summer, divorce is not an unacceptable proposal. It would be nearly impossible for him to maintain the household at home while you are away spending a huge chunk of the household's budget. If you do this, when you return... there won't be a household to return to. Part of being a young married couple in the U.S. (and especially California) is being 100% dependant on each other for financial support. To let down your partner financially, once a standard of living has been established, is to let the marriage down. If you're going to let the marriage down by not bringing in your "half" of the money, (and subsequently spending a significant chunk of "his" money as well) divorce is absolutely an option.

I know Satellite is still big in the school thing, so he may need you to "support" him for a while. If you do this, consider it an investment, because by him going to school, and finishing law school, you will have all the money that you want to go visit your relatives in the future. You probably won't even have to work, and can spend every summer in Russia if you so desire. The trade-off for that is supporting him now. That's how marriages here become successful. One partner or the other must sacrifice a desire in the short-term for a pay-off in the long-term.

What I suggest:

Wait until you have vacation time from your job (that way you're still being paid) and take a short trip to Russia to see your family. If he can go with you, great, if not, no big deal, it's a short trip. Come back, support him through school, and then when the two of you have enough money, go for the whole summer, TOGETHER! But for now, it's going to have to be a short trip.

Or, you're going to have to choose between your husband and life here in California, or life in Russia with your friends and family. Good luck with everything.... I have a feeling I'm going to be having this very same talk in a year or two.

To reply to your post, I'll start with a little story. Once I asked my husband- if he would be able to choose what century he would like to live in- what period of time would he choose. He answered that he would like to be a slave owner... So that's my preview. Here is the real story:

While he is concentrates on his studies, I am basically the one who really works and supports the family. I am studying too. But, sometimes I have to sacrifice my classes in order to work. He thinks school is really important (and I agree), so he doesn't do anything at home at all. The only thing that makes me really glad, I am pretty sure he had seen how a hammer looks in some books.

You are saying My husband can't go to russia right now. Yes he can. He just doesnt want to. He hates russia. You know, there are no hamburgers in Siberia...

I am not going to stop bringing money to the household! My patrents are going to pay for my trip Plus they gave us some more money already, and I am working really hard.

Trust me, there Will BE a household to return to. Everything is going to work just fine. My husband will not even miss me.

Honestly, it seems to me you dont quite understand how hard it is to be in a foreign country... Also, how old are you?

I really hoped you would support me... but oh well... everybody has their opinions.

Edited February 26, 2007 by Satellite

[russ 1]

I don't have an answer for either of you, this is something that requires comprimise (like many things in marriage).

Sat has helped many poeple here, including me.

I do think that it is selfish to leave for a whole summer.

My wife and I are both students as well. I would think that 2-3 weeks is much more reasonable than 2-3 months.

We have a similar problem - I would like to spend much of the summer in Moscow studying Russian. Galina does not want to (she would rather stay here and work).

Being married to a lawyer is not the worst thing in the world. I know many young lawyers who are wonderful people. My wife would say that being married to a young engineer is much worse... (Her father and brother are engineers as well).