Am I missing something (Filipina's)?

[Greenbaum 12,259]

That's easy! They do exactly what your wife is doing.

It is called an "emotional affair" when they aren't screwing anyone yet, but there isn't much difference as far as the damage to the relationship. The fact you are suffering and she doesn't care is enough to start exacting some consequences here.

They call it the "180" in relationship jargon where you stop moaning, whining, and arguing with them and instead get your mind right that they have already left the relationship and you now ready yourself for a life without her. Here is the list, and when you review them you will see what the gist is:

http://www.network54.com/Forum/90639/thread/1264072246/last-1278790080/180+-+Handy+Reminder

Instead of begging them, arguing that their behavior is wrong, following them around, asking everyone else to help you, etc. - you busy yourself as you would had you already decided to get divorced. Most especially, stop losing your temper and even caring about what she is up to. Because manipulative people control you best when you are not in control of your emotions. What she is doing is unacceptable regardless of whether she is having sex with someone else. The most damaging things to relationships is the manipulative lying, the guilt-tripping, shaming, playing the servant role (I am concealing my bad behavior for your own good), feigning anger and indignation, gaslighting (making you out to be crazy for questioning their actions) - every cheater uses the same playbook and it is extreme emotional abuse.

Right. That is generally consistent with people who have checked out of the relationship and are manipulating the other person to their own ends instead of being a loving spouse. Having you in a weakened state is very important to them. This is why it is so important to detach yourself from their manipulative tactics and focus on protecting yourself.

You are sleeping with the enemy, and this is not something having to do with Filipino culture. If a spouse loves you, and something they are doing upsets you like this then they are beside themselves to rush to your aide and fix what is wrong instead of kicking you, scratching your eyes out, and stomping all over your heart.

It is important to understand that the 180 is not a bunch of manipulative tricks to make your spouse love you again. This is literally about healing yourself, making you stronger, and preparing for the inevitable. Wayward spouses notice big time it is happening, but what they do is try to put their affairs deeper underground, use false flattery and etc. to get you back under their control where they can have their cake and eat it too. It is only under the case of complete and unconditional surrender - proof beyond any doubt that she accepts her behavior was wrong, complete cut-off of communications with her affair partners, 100% transparency in cell phone, computer, and social relations etc. that you even consider a future with her.

Spot on!

[Greenbaum 12,259]

I also live in North Carolina, just outside of Raleigh. Hopefully my fiancee will be here soon. Her interview is July 30th

I wish you luck. She should pass and will soon be with you. It's an exciting time for sure. Here is a great Filipino store and their is a little restaurant inside serving Filipino dishes. My wife loves this place.

Oriental Store of Raleigh Inc

3601 Capital Blvd, Raleigh, NC 27604

(919) 876-6911

[R_n_B 4]

My fiancee is friends with her batchmates too but that consists of her playing online games with them and she would never think to meet up with another male one-on-one like that. Call me old fashioned if you'd like...

[madtownguy 164]

If I were in your shoes I think you may be over reacting a little bit. But it's hard to know your exact situation. I really don't know who my wife chats with on face time, she talks to friends a lot on the phone and face time. There's so many things that can be signs or nothing at all, the few things you have said to me wouldn't be enough. It isn't great to lie about not seeing someone and really seeing them, but I'm not sure how you found that out. If she came clean later then she wants to be honest with you, if you found it snooping then you are just as much to blame as her. You have to set boundaries together. Someone asked about age, if your gap is more than 20 years that could be a large part of it. Good luck, hopefully you and your wife can get on the same page.

[rlogan 2,036]

If I were in your shoes I think you may be over reacting a little bit. But it's hard to know your exact situation. I really don't know who my wife chats with on face time, she talks to friends a lot on the phone and face time. There's so many things that can be signs or nothing at all, the few things you have said to me wouldn't be enough. It isn't great to lie about not seeing someone and really seeing them, but I'm not sure how you found that out. If she came clean later then she wants to be honest with you, if you found it snooping then you are just as much to blame as her. You have to set boundaries together. Someone asked about age, if your gap is more than 20 years that could be a large part of it. Good luck, hopefully you and your wife can get on the same page.

A few things to note about manipulative people here: when they see someone else suffering from a manipulator, they like to join in on the fun and blame the victim by saying you are over-reacting. That's exactly what the wife is doing to the OP, and this person enjoys using the same tactic too.

While he is at it, he is minimizing the behavior of the cheater: Saying it's "not that great" instead of "It's wrong". See, it really is good behavior, just not great behavior.

The best of all though is attacking you for "snooping". See, if you catch someone screwing your best friend, but you hid in the closet to catch them, then you are just as much to blame. This is one of the most important tactics in the tool kit of manipulative people: blame-shifting. Sure, I was robbing the bank - but you had a hidden camera so it's your fault. lol.

While we are busy blaming the victim, let's also say she is cheating because he is older. Yeah, that's a great excuse, and boy it's a "large part" of her cheating too. No way we can have even a teensy-weensy bit of blame on her for having bad character. Everyone knows that a good wife is out there chasing other men and destroying his home, his career, and his life. If she is a lot younger, then you deserved it.

Now, a manipulative person also conceals his attack with a smile and a wish for "good luck" while he is busy twisting the knife in your back. He's really a great friend doing his best to lift up your spirits by saying you are over-reacting, she isn't doing anything wrong, but it is your fault she is doing something wrong.

I recommend for just about everyone that they read a book called "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". It is a quick read and identifies all of the tactics manipulative people use by name. They really aren't very smart people - they just have no conscience about hurting others. It's kind of a sport to them. They learn these tactics at very young ages - children try to manipulate us and we have to teach them to have a conscience. But these people don't develop a conscience and instead keep getting more and more practice at manipulating. They learn a small number of tactics can be applied to innumerable situations. When you see a person using these tactics - you know everything you need to know about them. Avoid them. Because this is all they know. People are objects they use for their own ends.

In long distance relationships, manipulative people find good cover because it is harder to keep an eye on them and a lot about their past can be concealed from you. They have an easier time molding a persona that you want to see instead of revealing who they really are. It is something to be aware of on both sides: the immigrant and the sponsor. But wow, if you do some reading it is amazing how easy it is to spot these people because they all use the same tactics. Just like the fellow above. He's child's play. I have seen the best of them, and this one is just garden variety, no challenge at all.

Edited July 17, 2015 by rlogan

[madtownguy 164]

A few things to note about manipulative people here: when they see someone else suffering from a manipulator, they like to join in on the fun and blame the victim by saying you are over-reacting. That's exactly what the wife is doing to the OP, and this person enjoys using the same tactic too.

While he is at it, he is minimizing the behavior of the cheater: Saying it's "not that great" instead of "It's wrong". See, it really is good behavior, just not great behavior.

The best of all though is attacking you for "snooping". See, if you catch someone screwing your best friend, but you hid in the closet to catch them, then you are just as much to blame. This is one of the most important tactics in the tool kit of manipulative people: blame-shifting. Sure, I was robbing the bank - but you had a hidden camera so it's your fault. lol.

While we are busy blaming the victim, let's also say she is cheating because he is older. Yeah, that's a great excuse, and boy it's a "large part" of her cheating too. No way we can have even a teensy-weensy bit of blame on her for having bad character. Everyone knows that a good wife is out there chasing other men and destroying his home, his career, and his life. If she is a lot younger, then you deserved it.

Now, a manipulative person also conceals his attack with a smile and a wish for "good luck" while he is busy twisting the knife in your back. He's really a great friend doing his best to lift up your spirits by saying you are over-reacting, she isn't doing anything wrong, but it is your fault she is doing something wrong.

I recommend for just about everyone that they read a book called "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". It is a quick read and identifies all of the tactics manipulative people use by name. They really aren't very smart people - they just have no conscience about hurting others. It's kind of a sport to them. They learn these tactics at very young ages - children try to manipulate us and we have to teach them to have a conscience. But these people don't develop a conscience and instead keep getting more and more practice at manipulating. They learn a small number of tactics can be applied to innumerable situations. When you see a person using these tactics - you know everything you need to know about them. Avoid them. Because this is all they know. People are objects they use for their own ends.

In long distance relationships, manipulative people find good cover because it is harder to keep an eye on them and a lot about their past can be concealed from you. They have an easier time molding a persona that you want to see instead of revealing who they really are. It is something to be aware of on both sides: the immigrant and the sponsor. But wow, if you do some reading it is amazing how easy it is to spot these people because they all use the same tactics. Just like the fellow above. He's child's play. I have seen the best of them, and this one is just garden variety, no challenge at all.

You caught me, I spend my time trying to manipulate people that may not even exist on the internet. You could pretty much use this tactic on anyone. I understand you may have a huge age difference from your wife and it may have upset you, but it is something that can add to the problem of a relationship. I'm not blaming someone for snooping, but often times they might find something that they consider to be serious when it's really not. It takes two to tango, in any situation I find both people can be at fault. I never like the one sided response of blame. You can hide out in Alaska and keep exposing us master manipulative people, as if that's a bad thing ha ha. Maybe I should run for office.

[Caimei 3]

Like I don't understand why some of men at age 60 wants to marry a 20 years old!! These girls haven't grown up yet and you wonder why they cheat later ugh, try to find someone close to your age so you will be loved like you wanted to.. Just saying

[Hank_ 9,174]

[rlogan 2,036]

Like I don't understand why some of men at age 60 wants to marry a 20 years old!!

And lots of people don't understand why gay people are attracted to their own gender, or how anyone could love an obese person, or a black or a Muslim, etc. Or YOU, for that matter. Icky - how could anyone love YOU?! lol.

But the rest of us don't hear about a relationship problem and throw our pet bigotry out there - was he black? Was he fat? Was he Muslim? And get up on our soap box to rant about it.

Personally, I don't know why anyone would marry a Filipina. All they want is a green card. You don't love your husband, and he doesn't love you. How could he? How could anyone? Saying such things does not reflect upon Filipinas. It reflects upon the speaker: that they lack character to say such things.

Just saying

Words like "just" and "only are called minimizers. When people want to make a molehill out of a mountain they do this. So when we tell a black person to stick with his "own kind" so that he can be loved like he wants to, and insinuating he got what he deserved for his white wife leaving him, then we say this. Oh, I'm "Just Saying". As if that makes a nasty, bigoted comment somehow less nasty and bigoted.

This is a simple case of bigotry, not a manipulative person. This was a case of seeing an opportunity to rant about couples with age differences. The previous poster - holy cow. Every sentence is manipulative, and very poorly camouflaged.

Bigots come right out and say nasty things - nothing sneaky about it. They think it is perfectly normal to despise blacks, gays, fat people, or whatever their particular bigotry is. They are amazed that anyone could think what they say is wrong. A manipulative person on the other hand, knows exactly what they are doing and that it is wrong. They just have no scruples about it. But it is delivered in an underhanded, sneaky fashion.

Edited July 18, 2015 by rlogan

[NikLR 13,227]

Just sayin' means something different to me.

[Caimei 3]

And lots of people don't understand why gay people are attracted to their own gender, or how anyone could love an obese person, or a black or a Muslim, etc. Or YOU, for that matter. Icky - how could anyone love YOU?! lol.

But the rest of us don't hear about a relationship problem and throw our pet bigotry out there - was he black? Was he fat? Was he Muslim? And get up on our soap box to rant about it.

Personally, I don't know why anyone would marry a Filipina. All they want is a green card. You don't love your husband, and he doesn't love you. How could he? How could anyone? Saying such things does not reflect upon Filipinas. It reflects upon the speaker: that they lack character to say such things.

Words like "just" and "only are called minimizers. When people want to make a molehill out of a mountain they do this. So when we tell a black person to stick with his "own kind" so that he can be loved like he wants to, and insinuating he got what he deserved for his white wife leaving him, then we say this. Oh, I'm "Just Saying". As if that makes a nasty, bigoted comment somehow less nasty and bigoted.

This is a simple case of bigotry, not a manipulative person. This was a case of seeing an opportunity to rant about couples with age differences. The previous poster - holy cow. Every sentence is manipulative, and very poorly camouflaged.

Bigots come right out and say nasty things - nothing sneaky about it. They think it is perfectly normal to despise blacks, gays, fat people, or whatever their particular bigotry is. They are amazed that anyone could think what they say is wrong. A manipulative person on the other hand, knows exactly what they are doing and that it is wrong. They just have no scruples about it. But it is delivered in an underhanded, sneaky fashion.

You must be one of those Ole Ole that marries a fresh filipina?? Lol Don't camouflaged yourself, LOL these men who wants younger girls think they're cool shite you could be a grandpa to them already but they don't think care coz they are sick!

[TBoneTX 45,329]

This thread has degenerated into personal sniping, so it's closed to further comment. A couple of participants are fortunate to have avoided administrative action.

TBoneTX

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