Am I missing something (Filipina's)?

[chuckycheese 0]

So my wife and step-daughter got their CON last yr. Wife and kids (step-daughter (from my wife) and our little girl) traveled to the Philippines and stayed there a little over a month there. Wife hasn't been home in almost 8 yrs due to cost. Anyway..

Wife went out some with her friends (she doesn't have alot here in the US). She told one guy on FB (they hardly ever chatted on FB until she was getting ready to leave) that she would see him there (getting married with his wife there in the Philippines). She never said she did meet him, but she did. I told her when we got married that my Ex cheated and I have a problem with it. Not violent or anything but I want to know everything. If she had a problem with it we should just moving along and go separate ways. Her sister told her the same thing as she got us together. She said not a problem.

She went out again with some more of them. mostly male. she didn't say anything about it. Said they were her "batchmates" (whatever that means). Said she didn't want me to get jealous.

By this time i'm pretty bummed. I'm not arguing when we talk; I'm just depressed. I'm telling myself nothing is going on. Then she gets into it with me about my demeanor.

She comes back and is now calling these guys as well as chatting with them (her girlfriends), until late at night, right when we get up, as she is driving into work, etc. Basically all the time. Not kidding you. I ask what she is chatting about and she literally blows up and we get into an argument. One in the US, one in Philippines, and now one in London starting day before yesterday.

She deleted one guys FB messenger thread after our last blow up on Saturday. She also deleted her one girlfriends FB Messenger threads that same day. I ask her why and we got into an argument. Her girlfriends suggested not to use the phone around me instead of talking about this. It hasn't been going well. Her family and I get along very well and she stated that she was going to tell her family about it and I said fine. I would explain my situation. It is my right as a husband and father to ask what the heck is happening and it's not jealousy.

Am I missing something in the culture that says yes filipina's do talk to their classmates? How do you know if she is cheating? My trust has just about went out the window because I want to believe her but at the same time...

I talked to a Priest about the situation and he stated that I should be concerned. There are other things that are going on as well (such as the constantly yelling and controlling nature to the point I may lose my job). The Priest says as far as God is concerned I certainly have to be careful but if she is consistantly talking to guys and not saying anything and getting defensive about then I can certainly pursue the divorce option.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I am not a Filipina but one thing for sure that you don't hide things from your spouse specially if it relates to the opposite sex friendship. That's a red flag.

[_Paul&Jesica_ 70]

So my wife and step-daughter got their CON last yr. Wife and kids (step-daughter (from my wife) and our little girl) traveled to the Philippines and stayed there a little over a month there. Wife hasn't been home in almost 8 yrs due to cost. Anyway..

Wife went out some with her friends (she doesn't have alot here in the US). She told one guy on FB (they hardly ever chatted on FB until she was getting ready to leave) that she would see him there (getting married with his wife there in the Philippines). She never said she did meet him, but she did. I told her when we got married that my Ex cheated and I have a problem with it. Not violent or anything but I want to know everything. If she had a problem with it we should just moving along and go separate ways. Her sister told her the same thing as she got us together. She said not a problem.

She went out again with some more of them. mostly male. she didn't say anything about it. Said they were her "batchmates" (whatever that means). Said she didn't want me to get jealous.

By this time i'm pretty bummed. I'm not arguing when we talk; I'm just depressed. I'm telling myself nothing is going on. Then she gets into it with me about my demeanor.

She comes back and is now calling these guys as well as chatting with them (her girlfriends), until late at night, right when we get up, as she is driving into work, etc. Basically all the time. Not kidding you. I ask what she is chatting about and she literally blows up and we get into an argument. One in the US, one in Philippines, and now one in London starting day before yesterday.

She deleted one guys FB messenger thread after our last blow up on Saturday. She also deleted her one girlfriends FB Messenger threads that same day. I ask her why and we got into an argument. Her girlfriends suggested not to use the phone around me instead of talking about this. It hasn't been going well. Her family and I get along very well and she stated that she was going to tell her family about it and I said fine. I would explain my situation. It is my right as a husband and father to ask what the heck is happening and it's not jealousy.

Am I missing something in the culture that says yes filipina's do talk to their classmates? How do you know if she is cheating? My trust has just about went out the window because I want to believe her but at the same time...

I talked to a Priest about the situation and he stated that I should be concerned. There are other things that are going on as well (such as the constantly yelling and controlling nature to the point I may lose my job). The Priest says as far as God is concerned I certainly have to be careful but if she is consistantly talking to guys and not saying anything and getting defensive about then I can certainly pursue the divorce option.

In my opinion, there isn't really any reason that she should be chatting up her male "batchmates" all hours of the day. You and her need to have a discussion around boundaries. As she apparently hasn't been doing this for your entire relationship, the question is why is she doing this now? Is she needing attention some others? Are they just catching up?

She needs to put her relationship at first priority and be open about what she is doing. There isn't anything wrong with her having male friends that she sometimes chats with as long as she is completely open and up-front about it. It might not be a big deal at all... But it seems that she is hiding things and that is what is causing her behavior to become appropriate. Lying by omission is still lying...

Have a discussion around boundaries with her. And don't turn it into a "cultural" war. Relationships are more important than culture, and you both need to find common ground. Ask her how she would feel if you were acting as she was? Also, maybe you should ask her to have her friends add you to their FB so you can have more presence in her life...

And I am curious, but why didn't you go to the Philippines with her?

Edited July 15, 2015 by _Paul&Jesica_

[Darnell 8,478]

opposite sex friendship? somehow i glean she's attempting to cover up stuff that approaches adultery. just my 2 cents. I think if you reached out to her sister about it, it would only cause the wife to be more careful about covering up future things.

Edited July 15, 2015 by Darnell

[NikLR 13,227]

I'm going to move your thread to the Philippines regional forum so that you can get answers from a regional perspective. Should you want it moved back please hit the report button and request it. A mod will then move the thread to another appropriate forum.

~~organizer hat on~~

~~moved to Philippines regional forum from off-topic so OP can get answers specific to the Filipino culture to help him, from off-topic~~

~~organizer hat off~~

I think you guys really need to talk. Sit down, talk, and discuss your relationship.

[Greenbaum 12,259]

So my wife and step-daughter got their CON last yr. Wife and kids (step-daughter (from my wife) and our little girl) traveled to the Philippines and stayed there a little over a month there. Wife hasn't been home in almost 8 yrs due to cost. Anyway..

Wife went out some with her friends (she doesn't have alot here in the US). She told one guy on FB (they hardly ever chatted on FB until she was getting ready to leave) that she would see him there (getting married with his wife there in the Philippines). She never said she did meet him, but she did. I told her when we got married that my Ex cheated and I have a problem with it. Not violent or anything but I want to know everything. If she had a problem with it we should just moving along and go separate ways. Her sister told her the same thing as she got us together. She said not a problem.

She went out again with some more of them. mostly male. she didn't say anything about it. Said they were her "batchmates" (whatever that means). Said she didn't want me to get jealous.

By this time i'm pretty bummed. I'm not arguing when we talk; I'm just depressed. I'm telling myself nothing is going on. Then she gets into it with me about my demeanor.

She comes back and is now calling these guys as well as chatting with them (her girlfriends), until late at night, right when we get up, as she is driving into work, etc. Basically all the time. Not kidding you. I ask what she is chatting about and she literally blows up and we get into an argument. One in the US, one in Philippines, and now one in London starting day before yesterday.

She deleted one guys FB messenger thread after our last blow up on Saturday. She also deleted her one girlfriends FB Messenger threads that same day. I ask her why and we got into an argument. Her girlfriends suggested not to use the phone around me instead of talking about this. It hasn't been going well. Her family and I get along very well and she stated that she was going to tell her family about it and I said fine. I would explain my situation. It is my right as a husband and father to ask what the heck is happening and it's not jealousy.

Am I missing something in the culture that says yes filipina's do talk to their classmates? How do you know if she is cheating? My trust has just about went out the window because I want to believe her but at the same time...

I talked to a Priest about the situation and he stated that I should be concerned. There are other things that are going on as well (such as the constantly yelling and controlling nature to the point I may lose my job). The Priest says as far as God is concerned I certainly have to be careful but if she is consistantly talking to guys and not saying anything and getting defensive about then I can certainly pursue the divorce option.

This is my opinion. Where there is smoke there is fire. I believe that married woman should not be chit chatting with males as you have pointed out and men the same... not chatting to a lot of women. The term "batchmates" refers to those who are in the same class, typically from High School, but can be from college also. My wife used to go to batchmate parties and fund raisers. That was something she enjoyed. She kept up with what families were doing etc. She never once took it beyond the meeting as a group to a single meeting or talking on the phone with the her batchmate males. That's where she drew the line.

There is more here then you are seeing. It's time to sit down and listen to each other. No yelling and screaming. Sometimes, you just sit and let her explain everything and not interrupt her till she has completed her side. Then it should be your turn to talk and she is to listen. When people listen things can get resolved.

Good luck.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

As stated earlier the term "batchmate" is a term for people who graduated the same year in either high school or college. My wife still keeps up with her batchmates, and before she came here she did go to their batch reunion which was like a weekend get together with both men and women. Now she does not keep in touch with the men of her batch beyond a simple conversation here or there, but nothing like what you are describing.

Honestly, I know this will hurt but I think something is going on that should not be. I say this because if it was simply basic conversations then she would not go and delete them. When she deletes the conversation it means there is something there in the conversation that she does not want you to know about. You can always go on google and get a basic translation of what they are talking about. I don't know where your wife is from, my wife is from Davao and they have a basic Cebuano and Tagalog translation.

My wife is in the Philippines right now as I write this down. This is the first time she has been back in almost 3 years, and she would never go out with just guy friends because she knows how I would feel about that. I would not be happy about it and she wouldn't be happy if the roles were reversed. You need to sit down with your wife and talk this out.

Edited July 15, 2015 by cyberfx1024

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

This is my opinion. Where there is smoke there is fire. I believe that married woman should not be chit chatting with males as you have pointed out and men the same... not chatting to a lot of women. The term "batchmates" refers to those who are in the same class, typically from High School, but can be from college also. My wife used to go to batchmate parties and fund raisers. That was something she enjoyed. She kept up with what families were doing etc. She never once took it beyond the meeting as a group to a single meeting or talking on the phone with the her batchmate males. That's where she drew the line.

There is more here then you are seeing. It's time to sit down and listen to each other. No yelling and screaming. Sometimes, you just sit and let her explain everything and not interrupt her till she has completed her side. Then it should be your turn to talk and she is to listen. When people listen things can get resolved.

Good luck.

Where in NC are you from? I am from NC and we are moving back there in a few months and I know there is not alot of Pinoys there.

[Greenbaum 12,259]

Where in NC are you from? I am from NC and we are moving back there in a few months and I know there is not alot of Pinoys there.

We are in Raleigh, NC. Where you moving to?

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

We are in Raleigh, NC. Where you moving to?

i am from Greensboro but I am moving to Durham

[Caimei 3]

How old are you? And how old is she?

[Greenbaum 12,259]

i am from Greensboro but I am moving to Durham

There is a lot to do in Durham. The downtown area is in the mist of revitalization. New resturants, new bars, ballpark, lots of new lofts and apartments and of course DPAC. There are a lot of Filipino's in the Durham area because of the VA Hospital, Duke Hospital and two other hospitals.

Good luck with your move.

[VOL 425]

You have trouble.

I would record her phone calls when you chat to each other and play them back and listen to them, Don't let her know you are recording.

I would hire a private investigator to follow her for a few weeks and I would have a plan of attack of how to cripple her financially when the time come for divorce.

I would find a divorce attorney that has been in practice for a few years and get a plan of attack......

[rlogan 2,036]

How do you know if she is cheating?

That's easy! They do exactly what your wife is doing.

It is called an "emotional affair" when they aren't screwing anyone yet, but there isn't much difference as far as the damage to the relationship. The fact you are suffering and she doesn't care is enough to start exacting some consequences here.

They call it the "180" in relationship jargon where you stop moaning, whining, and arguing with them and instead get your mind right that they have already left the relationship and you now ready yourself for a life without her. Here is the list, and when you review them you will see what the gist is:

http://www.network54.com/Forum/90639/thread/1264072246/last-1278790080/180+-+Handy+Reminder

Instead of begging them, arguing that their behavior is wrong, following them around, asking everyone else to help you, etc. - you busy yourself as you would had you already decided to get divorced. Most especially, stop losing your temper and even caring about what she is up to. Because manipulative people control you best when you are not in control of your emotions. What she is doing is unacceptable regardless of whether she is having sex with someone else. The most damaging things to relationships is the manipulative lying, the guilt-tripping, shaming, playing the servant role (I am concealing my bad behavior for your own good), feigning anger and indignation, gaslighting (making you out to be crazy for questioning their actions) - every cheater uses the same playbook and it is extreme emotional abuse.

There are other things that are going on as well (such as the constantly yelling and controlling nature to the point I may lose my job).

Right. That is generally consistent with people who have checked out of the relationship and are manipulating the other person to their own ends instead of being a loving spouse. Having you in a weakened state is very important to them. This is why it is so important to detach yourself from their manipulative tactics and focus on protecting yourself.

You are sleeping with the enemy, and this is not something having to do with Filipino culture. If a spouse loves you, and something they are doing upsets you like this then they are beside themselves to rush to your aide and fix what is wrong instead of kicking you, scratching your eyes out, and stomping all over your heart.

It is important to understand that the 180 is not a bunch of manipulative tricks to make your spouse love you again. This is literally about healing yourself, making you stronger, and preparing for the inevitable. Wayward spouses notice big time it is happening, but what they do is try to put their affairs deeper underground, use false flattery and etc. to get you back under their control where they can have their cake and eat it too. It is only under the case of complete and unconditional surrender - proof beyond any doubt that she accepts her behavior was wrong, complete cut-off of communications with her affair partners, 100% transparency in cell phone, computer, and social relations etc. that you even consider a future with her.

[bowens44 214]

Where in NC are you from? I am from NC and we are moving back there in a few months and I know there is not alot of Pinoys there.

I also live in North Carolina, just outside of Raleigh. Hopefully my fiancee will be here soon. Her interview is July 30th