For all of you who like to fly...

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Cristy 4]

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

[KarenCee 3]

LOL!! I bet when Joel sees these he will laugh too! Thanks for my early morning laugh....starts the day off great

[Matt_Stevens 5]

You have to wonder if this is all made up, but whatever. It made me laugh out loud. Multiple times.

[Tiksman 0]

hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhaaahhaa

[Aymerlu 3]

ThoseThose were great! Especially the last one!

[TracyTN 237]

All brilliant, but "Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways" made me GUFFAW!!!

[Fuzzness 2]

I've seen these before. they are very good!

here are a few air traffic control jokes...

QST19: Quest 19 (nineteen) heavy, requesting landing instructions.

APP: Quest 90 (ninety), turn right heading 050, descend to 3,000 until intercepting the ILS for runway 7 right, frequency's 111.7

QST19: ...

APP: Quest 90, do you copy?

QST19: ...

APP: Quest 90, this is approach, do you copy?

QST19: ...

APP: Quest 90, you remind me of my wife, you never listen anything!

QST19: Approach, this is Quest NINETEEN, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!

C765: This is Cessna 765, I'm out of fuel.

ATC: Establish best glide, squawk 7700, and say position!

C765: Ummm... I'm not really sure.

ATC: See any landmarks?

C765: Well, I'm here parked behind the hangar, and I can see the end of Runway 12. I'm sure the fuel truck will find me.

A student pilot had just received clearance for departure from Orlando. The controller told him to make an immediate right turn after departure for noise abatement. The student was flying a Cessna 172 and was confused by the request for noise abatement. So he called the tower:

TWR: Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, cleared for take-off. When you're airborne, make an immediate turn to the right, heading 060.

C6HV: Orlando Tower, this is Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, please verify how a 172 can be involved in noise abatement."

TWR: Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, if you don't turn right now, it's gonna make a hell of a noise when that 747 on final hits you!"

This is what happens when there's a misunderstood between a solo student pilot and a hysterical ATC controller. (Go around means turn around and try your landing again, usually because there is something or someone else on the runway making it unsafe to land)

TWR: Baron 232 Zulu, go around, aircraft on runway.

232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent)

TWR: 232 Zulu, GO AROUND.

232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent)

TWR: 232 ZULU!!! GO AROUND!!!.

232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent)

The student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

In the process of changing frequency, 676 loses the door. Yes, the DOOR on a King Air!

NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday! London Control, this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.

LON-ATC: (London ATC) NAA 676, Roger. Are you in control of the aircraft?

NAA676: No more than usual!

A Boeing 747 starts rolling for take-off and aborts just before V1 (point of no return). The incident report says the aircraft lost power in one engine and the captain aborted takeoff. And guess what? The 747 was full of people taking their first flight after a course to overcome their fear of flying.

The pilot's prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower

Hallowed be thy sector.

Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done

On the ground as they are in the air.

Give us this day our radar vectors,

And forgive us our TCA incursions

As we forgive those who cut us off on final.

And lead us not into adverse weather,

But deliver us our clearances.

Roger.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

hahaha... good ones joel!

i try to always kick-start my day with a chuckle... so those definitely made me giggle...

[Sinergy 3]

hahahaha Those were good!! Thanks for a good start to the day

[ChristinaM 0]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Edited March 13, 2006 by clmarsh

[Dixie_Peach 1]

ty ty ty i need those chuckles this morning!

[Fuzzness 2]

a few more..

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."

N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."

N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."

N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

You guys are killing me. I'm at work damnit!