For those who already have kids....sort of

[peezey 0]

Does anyone know any "religious" Muslim men who actually followed through with what they said before children and let them have a Christian or Jewish upbringing or the 50/50 concept that worked out to be anything more than secular observance of Christian holidays?

I don't know of any, myself included. My husband is not religious, hasn't set foot in a mosque, and knows less about Islam than non-Muslims who study Islam, however, there is no question our children will be raised to know Islam. I'm not sure why there has to be a 50/50 anyway since Islam very much teaches about judaism and christianity in relation to itself.

My MIL cannot for the life of her comprehend mixed-religion marriages. I don't blame her. I have a hard time with it myself. As she says, Islam is Islam and the rest is the rest, and you are one or the other. This concept we have here about making choices about religion are not at all common or accepted in MENA, even in the least traditional families. I've heard lots of talk of compromise in the last 10 years that I've become close to other women married to MENA guys, but I've never heard it work out. I've mostly heard of what I mentioned in my OP---men becoming more strict, religious, adherent, once they are married, have children, etc.

[Nasturtium 500]

I do, but it's special cases. I think it depends on the individual, their commitment to honesty, and whatnot. My husband isn't one to hide things from me, however painful they may be. I know what he wants and he knows what I want and we know these things basically conflict. At the same time, we're adults and until we could reach a satisfcatory medium, we couldn't even agree to get engaged until we had hashed this part out.

I am amazed by those who never even talk about it and just kind of assume that just because their husband is relatively non-religious or their wife, that it will be so with the kids. It's odd to me that this wouldn;t be covered.

out of those I know who stuck with their word for a 50-50, the children tended to fall into a mix of islam or Christianity, but each kid was definately one or the other. But it is 2 Muslim sisters and one Christian brother, and another family I know had 3 Muslim brothers and sisters, with the other 3 being Christian. The only time I know of children not being Muslim or Christian, or possibly saying they felt they were both was when the parents themselves were not really religious.

[Nasturtium 500]

men becoming more strict, religious, adherent, once they are married, have children, etc.

I know my husband became more strict but it didn't bother or conflict with me, but rather went along with what we both wanted anyway. I wake him up for fajr and I cover mostly (not the hair) for example, it's funny how things work out. He laughed and said I keep him more halal than any Jordanian wife When he says he can just eat chicken here I put my foot down and strict him out ) I told him not under my watch! He'll be a good Muslim if I have anything to say about it And he hugs me and tells me he's glad I care, I know it makes him happy anyway.

Another thing for couples to consider is that if you move back to your MENA's home, and if it's a "muslim" country, and your So is a MAN... the chances are your children will all be listed as Muslim anyway by default.

[peezey 0]

I'm not talking about people who didn't discuss this. I'm talking about people who did discuss things and things changed. People change. Plain and simple. No matter one's religion, people become more deeply rooted in their value systems as they get older, as there are life changes such as marriage and children. For instance, I said I would never have children. I thought this about myself until a year ago. I spent 15 years not wanting children, totally happy without them, completely at peace with my choice. And then, there it was. Shocking, to say the least, but there it was, I wanted to have kids. We don't want the same things at age 25 that we do at 30. Or at 38 that we do at 30. Just like we can't guess now how exactly we'll parent a particular situation until it happens to us. We can talk it out forever, but nothing is truly revealed until you are in it.

[Jenn! 918]

That was one of the things that my mother and I had discussed when I told her that Wadi and I were engaged. She had met a woman married to a Moroccan who became much more strict religiously when they had kids. She wanted to make sure I knew that was a possibility. And while I think that it won't be an issue for us, who ever really knows? I'm glad she asked me about it, because I hadn't even really considered that possibility before. It's definitely something to think about prior to marriage. You know, could you handle it if it were to happen?

[AngelK96 0]

I'm not talking about people who didn't discuss this. I'm talking about people who did discuss things and things changed. People change. Plain and simple. No matter one's religion, people become more deeply rooted in their value systems as they get older, as there are life changes such as marriage and children. For instance, I said I would never have children. I thought this about myself until a year ago. I spent 15 years not wanting children, totally happy without them, completely at peace with my choice. And then, there it was. Shocking, to say the least, but there it was, I wanted to have kids. We don't want the same things at age 25 that we do at 30. Or at 38 that we do at 30. Just like we can't guess now how exactly we'll parent a particular situation until it happens to us. We can talk it out forever, but nothing is truly revealed until you are in it.

Interesting thread!

so true what you posted peezey.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

At times, I do a counseling seminar for Muslim/non-Muslim couples. I am not surprised by how many do not discuss many issues before marriage.

[sereia 0]

growing up i only knew of two muslim/non-muslim families. my dad's best friend is an iraqi who married an american woman (christian or agnostic, not sure what) and their children ended up non-religious.

another family was the father: moroccan muslim; and mother: american jew, their children are also non-religious.

both couples are still happily married. i always felt like they were great models for my fiance and i. i do recognize that there is a big possibility my situation could be the opposite. my fiance and i have discussed what we both want and i am quite nervous about what the outcome will be. only time will tell.........and a lot of communication now.

also, I came from a mixed religion family. my parents left it open to us to decide. opening our minds to all choices in life. my mom now regrets not raising me with more of a strict (her) religious background.which is funny because she isn't even religious. its more of a cultural thing and just plain guilt. i can't explain it. she feels guilty for not marrying someone of her own background/religion. its caused a lot of guilt in her life in the recent years. and its also caused conflict between her and i recently because she's tried to change me (push me to be religious in her religion, meet guys from her religion, harps on me that i MUST marry someone in her religion, etc) but i really feel its too little, too late. i am an adult now.

[Heartland 0]

My husband is not strict muslim. However he wants our children raised muslim. I am christian. I dont think any religion is wrong as long as long as they are good people and follow Gods basic laws which are basically the same in every religion.

I also figure that religion is personal. If you feel more "one" with God being Muslim so be it, the same with Christian...

Wendy