Dumped by fiance?

[CaeselynRonald 6]

One more thing .. moving and adjusting in other country is hard .. u dont know how is life in there .. how will people treat u .. I feel that way too but my fiance keep telling me how he will take good care of me and also my daughter .. but something wrong with her is why she asked u to asked other Filipina ?? She cant tell u what she feels inside ?? I think u have to talk to her .. u can't do anything if u dont ask her .. tell her u both need to talk about future life together how u 2 will live in there .. life in there is different like what my fiance telling me .. just enjoy life together ! Always remember this .. We do this for love ! We do this for happiness ! And for the life together ! Hope she will get what she needs to know before the interview ..Filipina is fragile .. even words is important .. its just a culture issue I think ..

[Shauneg 762]

One more thing .. moving and adjusting in other country is hard .. u dont know how is life in there .. how will people treat u .. I feel that way too but my fiance keep telling me how he will take good care of me and also my daughter .. but something wrong with her is why she asked u to asked other Filipina ?? She cant tell u what she feels inside ?? I think u have to talk to her .. u can't do anything if u dont ask her .. tell her u both need to talk about future life together how u 2 will live in there .. life in there is different like what my fiance telling me .. just enjoy life together ! Always remember this .. We do this for love ! We do this for happiness ! And for the life together ! Hope she will get what she needs to know before the interview ..Filipina is fragile .. even words is important .. its just a culture issue I think ..

That's the only thing I don't understand, She should tell him..not make him find out from others. Maybe she's shy like that.

[mrandmrsBRS 116]

This...sounds like she wants reassurance. It is a big deal to leave everything behind, everything you have ever known, your life, your job (if you have one), your family, everything to be with someone who lives in a completely different country, different culture, doesn't know anyone but you and soon maybe your family. The cultures are different, the people are different. How much would it scare you to move to her country? To find a job there, to adjust to her culture, and as a foreigner find a job to provide for her? Like already stated, this is a big deal....It is understandable to be afraid and scared of the unknown...all she knows is you.

Hank is right.....when the excitement runs out and she starts to get homesick because she doesn't have family around..will you be there to comfort her, to have compassion on her, to lead her, and to love her, and so much more?

couldn't agree more...of course it is scary to leave everything behind but also very exciting...

[Illiria 980]

Nope, Boiler is not spot on... not for a Filipina

Not every filipina, my father in law married one who was very up front that this is what she expected of him in terms of looking after her as she had the local Filipino society to make her feel welcomed and at home in the country. even after being told and shown that they couldn't afford to send money back she insisted, they ended up putting it on the credit card each month, this contributed to the debt that almost lost her her home when he died. I removed this anecdote from my original post so I didn't unduly worry the OP. Between the multiple trips before the visa, after they were married and sending money back they were about $45000 on the credit cards.

People are people and there will always be a few like this in any society so you can't really say all people from one country will be this way or that way.

[mallafri76 1,012]

While I can't speak to the cultural aspects of the Philippines, I can certainly relate to your wife's cold feet. Like others have said, it is a HUGE step to give up your friends, your family, your home, your job and move half way around the world.... And the US is very different from other countries in a lot of ways. I mean it's a scary place to move to and this comes from a woman who's lived in quite a few places around the world.

It seems that your wife is not the kind of person that will tell you straight out, so why don't you just ask her what she's worried about? Then you can talk about it or find solutions for it. That's what I do with my husband and my friend and it really works. E.g. one of my major fears was the ridiculously expensive medical system that exists in the US, that you need all these insurances and money to get good treatment. I was really freaking out about it, in my head I was thinking I'd be in a car accident and when the ambulance come, they'll leave you dying on the street if your insurance is not good enough. But my husband and my friend (both USC) explained how it all works and even though I will never understand that system, at least I feel better about it and reassured. So just go through every worry she has, step by step, explain how it works, make a plan for the things that you can't just "explain away"...

If you're planning on her working when she moves over, help her with her CV, explain how job hunting works in the US etc. If you're planning on her being a housewife, then tell her about the good internet connection you have for her to stay in contact with her family back home, talk about some leisure activities available to her where you live, stores near by, is there a pool in the garden/apartment complex.... For a move this big, planning and preparation is key.

[NHKx2 43]

Now that I have your attention.... maybe some of you experts can advise me.....

We got the I-797 approved and were just starting the process of getting a date for the interview when my fiance suddenly got cold feet.

She said she has some doubts and needed me to assure her that she would be “happy and satisfied with no doubts”. She wants to be “assured that I could take care her”.

I tried to ask for specifics but she just advised me to find a Filpina married to an American and ask them.

I actually have a good relationship with her and she says she wants the engagement to continue.

So ...can this be translated for me...is this just cold feet or am I missing a cultural cue.

She needs to tell you, her fiance, directly what she means and needs. Asking you to speculate based on conversations with another couple is asking for disaster. If she is going to have a meaningful relationship with you, she needs to communicate her specific needs to you.

If she can't discuss her fears, needs, and desires with your directly, this specific issue is the least of the problems in store for you.

[Gregory&Dyn 113]

Every woman, regardless of ethnicity and country of origin wants affirmation of security. She needs physical security, emotional security, financial security and spiritual security from YOU. Remember, she is the one who is leaving everything she knows and trusts behind. Even if she lives a hard life in the Philippines, it is still HER life. Be patient with her. Understand her.. Assure her that you will provide for her on all levels. Show her that you are understanding of her situation. Do more than make promises of a good life her (she already knows that), exercise sympathy and compassion in your conversations with her. Remind her that she is strong and brave. She is leaving behind everything. As insignificant as that may seem (especially in light of a better life to come) it is still a difficult process for her.

[VOL 425]

This is not common for a girl from Philippines.

I would seriously consider ending this relationship now.

She may still have a boyfriend in Philippines and isn't ready to end her relationship.

I would hire a someone to investigate her in Philippines for a few months, this should only cost a few hundred dollars.

Best to be proactive rather than sit back and hope for the best......

[mallafri76 1,012]

Every woman, regardless of ethnicity and country of origin wants affirmation of security.

That goes for everyone though and is not specific to women. Men wants affirmation of security too. They also want to know that the person they choose to marry love them, will stay true to them, support them when they need it and be there through thick and thin.

[Phil&Mich 36]

Filipinas are simple in many ways, why would you think that her doubts are out of "something bad"

Don't be negative! It will ruin your trust,

All we need is assurance! In my case, I also had some doubts before starting out K1, specially my fiancé is very open to what I'll expect with him as soon to be my husband.. He once married the love of his life but divorced her after a long marriage... That was my fear, to be dump if he will realize that "I am not the one" and that "I am not perfect for him" but he assured me that going through the divorce he learned a lot and so he earned my trust by explaining patiently to me..

Ask her specifically what makes her cold feet and assure her that you will be there for her no matter what.. Not all filipinas are looking for "great opportunity" in marrying a foreigner because of visa or money..

At the end, it will be your decision matters because it will be your future, positive people will not always jump into bad judgement, it's you who knows your fiancée (you proposed) and so it's up for you to discern..

[usmsbow 801]

On the one hand, she's showing some maturity by giving this some serious thought and not just letting emotions of love assure her all will be OK. Too many people do that (ignore warnings and just follow their heart, hoping for the best).

On the other hand, the fact that she told you to ask others about their experiences (and not just tell you about them and how they relate to her fears/worries) indicates she could be passive aggressive.

Regardless, to answer your question: no, it doesn't sound like she dumped you at all. Bit worrisome that you're jumping to that conclusion though. A sign you don't understand her that well and/or are feeling insecure about your relationship (or, if I'm wrong, then well, you know the answer to your own question better than us strangers here on VJ).

[Greenbaum 12,259]

Nobody here really knows what she is thinking when she makes the statements that you provided on your OP. In the end, it's up to you. Listen to your GUT and asked questions to unearth the reason behind the reason. Then and only then will your pathway be lite.

There are good suggestions posted in this thread on how to make her comfortable when she arrives but for now, it's all about what you discover about your future with her before she arrives.

Edited June 21, 2015 by Greenbaum

[coa24 69]

Indeed. She may not know how to express herself. You and her need to be intentional in conversation and probe her thoughts and feelings to tey and bring her out.

[breyandtthew 5]

i can honestly think of only 2 reasons.

1) one, she has always wanted to come to America, find a good man who provides for her and she's attracted to at the same time - basically genuinely love him.

BUT, you're not that to her. However you're very kind to her in so many ways, and she's a good person within - and doesn't wanna lie to herself and just USE you to come here and just "try" to love you, be happy with you, and be contented with you.

or

2) she wants to make sure you're gonna end up actually marrying her, and helping her adjust her status to acquire the 2 yr GC., Man, SHAME is a big thing in the Philippines.. she doesnt wanna end up back in the Philippines feeling like a loser - having been already in a bed and now be back on the floor if you know what im saying..unless she has this assurance, she's gonna feel like this until its actually already happening.

Im almost sure of either one of them.. but you know her best - so maybe ask her for the truth and go from there..

[Cheezees 1,514]

What I find a bit disturbing is that she won't communicate her needs with you. Having cold feet about moving to a new country is normal. It is both exciting and scary. But this is, in my opinion, not the issue.

The issue is that she won't tell you her fears and needs but expects you to meet a certain invisible standard. Is she very young? I can't imagine a mature woman playing the "you go figure it out" card. Other unknown couples are NOT in your relationship.

You should let her know that a lack of communication is your fear, you are letting her know directly, and that her response (where you are 100% responsible for allaying her unknown fears) is unacceptable.

Edited June 21, 2015 by Cheezees