Totally frustrated

[maryandatif 0]

So here I am starting to plan a wedding. Going to the venue this coming weekend, getting things going so we can set a date as soon as we know we can. Only to find out that family and closest friends are not ok with this. My g-ma even had the nerve to suggest that the only reason I am with this man and going to marry him is because I am pregnant. In addition, a friend says that the rumor is that I "got knocked up while I was there in November." This is not even close to being true. Everyone says, "What if he leaves you in a year? How well do you know him?" I can marry someone here and that doesn't mean they won't leave in a year. It seems like there is no logic to their reasons. So, I got at this alone. I hope I can get through this. I know I will. Just wish he were here already to be with me. I of course called him and told him all this and now he is upset that I am hurt by the people who are supposed to love me. It seems to me that it is more ignorance than anything else. Some people are so darn judgemental without even knowing everything. Just had to vent. Thanks for reading.

I know others have said this, but I'll say it again....YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers...how many of them have met my husband? 1 sister....and she still has her doubts. The rest of them don't even talk to me--not like they wanted to alot before, but nothing at all now. Atif will have been in the states 1 year exactly on March 29, and has met my aunt [more like a mom to me], her grand kids, and my sister and her husband and son. Other than that, he's met my closest friends...anybody else can kiss my @zz!!!!

[lion_lioness 0]

Patiently,

sorry to hear what you are going through - it's not easy! Keep going with your plans, let that be your motivation and keep you busy while you wait for your loved one! People talk and sometimes when they just are concerned they get really ignorant to get their point across.

sure it's possible for things not to work out - YOU might want to leave in a year lolol - life is life. But this is your life and you should live it. There's nothing wrong with taking a chance on love and letting your heart guide you. If ppl really love you they will come around, be there for you regardless of the outcome. Its called unconditional love and the world could use alot more of it!!!

On the bright side, at least you don't have to listen to your family's two cent on every detail of your wedding it'll be up to you guys what, how, when and where you want it! Enjoy this time.....

hugs

[Nad 1]

let your fiance talk to your family. its better for him to explain his love to show hes trying hard for it. and maybe its good that he keep contact with them and maybe sending cards or presents on occasions or holidays to get more closer. apparently they dont understand the situation cuz maybe they dont know much about him or the situation. his love to you need to be proved to them. if he find it hard now or not comfortable then you should be willing strongly to face the current until he meet them and prove his love.

best wishes and good luck

[Nasturtium 500]

PS-- you going to have henna? I loooove henna! But it's not allowed DH HATES it.

[Aymerlu 3]

My friends and family said the same thing about my husband. I'm sure you have heard it all just liek I did. I stood my ground and finally told them it was my life, not there's and as much as they would like to control me they couldn't. That was what really made them back off me. Now that my husband is here and they know him.....they love him!!! My dad even has little weekly outtings with him. I'm sorry you are going through this...hopefully everyone will come around.

[patiently_waiting 0]

PS-- you going to have henna? I loooove henna! But it's not allowed DH HATES it.

No henna. We did that when I was there in November. His parents want to do a wedding there later, so I will wait until then.

[sereia 0]

i'm going through the same problem! my dad says he is my "boy toy" and i'll forget about him eventually. how can i possibly take someone like him seriously? although i know my dad only really cares about a man loving me and who can take care of me. he is not against him because he is moroccan or muslim. he just thinks i'm nuts for marrying a guy from another country, bringing him here, changing his lifestyle, and the struggle to find a good job. weird though....my dad is an immigrant too.

and my mom was pretty bad at first. how could i do this to her?! if we have kids, don't bring them there or he'll take them away and i'll have no rights...etc. she's worried about him forcing our kids to be muslim. she can't imagine how his family could possibly love and accept me because of my background. my mom has slowly realized i'm not letting up and lessens her comments. but i constantly get emails about islam and links to websites. unfortunately my mom is really well read on islam (especially radical islam, but not only. she reads from all sources) and she loves to bombard me with it. but over time i see her becoming more and more accepting. ...or understanding i've finally found a man who loves me.....and shows it. thats all i really want. i think once he's here they will embrace him into our family.

my friends are totally supportive! at least the ones i've told. i haven't had a chance to tell everyone yet. and if they aren't they can go fly a kite. i only really care about the approval of my family.

good luck to you and your struggle. if you need anyone to talk to you know we're all here! you can pm me anytime.

[Together4ever 1]

I haven't had time to read the other responses, but I wanted to say that I think almost all of us with ME/NA SOs have experienced this from someone close to us. The media has bred so much ignorance and those who lack real experience of a different culture just are not capable of understanding your point of view. What I found was it took time for people to get to know my husband and to begin to see he's not such a bad guy or an opportunist. Now my parents are so nuts about him its annoying to me. LOL These were the people who said they could NEVER accept that I married "one of those people." I know your frustration and your pain, but all any of us can do is stand in our present truth, whatever it may be and take strength in that. No one knows the future or what it will bring, but we do have today. The truth will speak for itself. Hugs.

[sereia 0]

I haven't had time to read the other responses, but I wanted to say that I think almost all of us with ME/NA SOs have experienced this from someone close to us. The media has bred so much ignorance and those who lack real experience of a different culture just are not capable of understanding your point of view. What I found was it took time for people to get to know my husband and to begin to see he's not such a bad guy or an opportunist. Now my parents are so nuts about him its annoying to me. LOL These were the people who said they could NEVER accept that I married "one of those people." I know your frustration and your pain, but all any of us can do is stand in our present truth, whatever it may be and take strength in that. No one knows the future or what it will bring, but we do have today. The truth will speak for itself. Hugs.

i have to disagree with your comment about people who "lack experience of a different culture" feel this way...

my parents are well educated and well traveled (and my dad is even an immigrant) but still feel this way.

i think its just them not understanding my love for someone with so many obstacles yet wanting to take these risks anyway. they think i should find someone here who i would have less of a chance of having problems with. more logical thinking i guess. yes i could easily marry an american with similar beliefs to myself and STILL have problems, but in their eyes it would still make my life easier.

Edited February 19, 2007 by abdounjen

[Bosco 1]

I haven't had time to read the other responses, but I wanted to say that I think almost all of us with ME/NA SOs have experienced this from someone close to us. The media has bred so much ignorance and those who lack real experience of a different culture just are not capable of understanding your point of view. What I found was it took time for people to get to know my husband and to begin to see he's not such a bad guy or an opportunist. Now my parents are so nuts about him its annoying to me. LOL These were the people who said they could NEVER accept that I married "one of those people." I know your frustration and your pain, but all any of us can do is stand in our present truth, whatever it may be and take strength in that. No one knows the future or what it will bring, but we do have today. The truth will speak for itself. Hugs.

i have to disagree with your comment about people who "lack experience of a different culture" feel this way...

my parents are well educated and well traveled (and my dad is even an immigrant) but still feel this way.

i think its just them not understanding my love for someone with so many obstacles yet wanting to take these risks anyway. they think i should find someone here who i would have less of a chance of having problems with. more logical thinking i guess. yes i could easily marry an american with similar beliefs to myself and STILL have problems, but in their eyes it would still make my life easier.

I think it can be lack of a experience but it also isn't necessarily the case.

The reality is these relationships are not necessarily easy. I think some of the concerns friends/family express are real issues that can arise and should be considered (most men will want to raise their children Muslim, Morocco will not let children leave without the father's permission, etc). My stepfather, mother and aunt have all lived in the Middle East. They were and continue to be supportive of my marriage but they did address things they thought my husband and I should discuss - most of which we already had. However, they did bring up a few things we had not explored as deeply and I am glad we dealt with those things. Also, on their advice, I talked to some family friends that are in Arab/American marriages who were able to offer real life experience. Anyway, I think the concerns can be a positive thing if you listen with an open mind rather than just putting up a defense. So many people find themselves encountering problems they never anticipated that can be big struggles and by exploring their concerns, you can may end up resolving some things earlier than later.

[patiently_waiting 0]

I haven't had time to read the other responses, but I wanted to say that I think almost all of us with ME/NA SOs have experienced this from someone close to us. The media has bred so much ignorance and those who lack real experience of a different culture just are not capable of understanding your point of view. What I found was it took time for people to get to know my husband and to begin to see he's not such a bad guy or an opportunist. Now my parents are so nuts about him its annoying to me. LOL These were the people who said they could NEVER accept that I married "one of those people." I know your frustration and your pain, but all any of us can do is stand in our present truth, whatever it may be and take strength in that. No one knows the future or what it will bring, but we do have today. The truth will speak for itself. Hugs.

i have to disagree with your comment about people who "lack experience of a different culture" feel this way...

my parents are well educated and well traveled (and my dad is even an immigrant) but still feel this way.

i think its just them not understanding my love for someone with so many obstacles yet wanting to take these risks anyway. they think i should find someone here who i would have less of a chance of having problems with. more logical thinking i guess. yes i could easily marry an american with similar beliefs to myself and STILL have problems, but in their eyes it would still make my life easier.

I think it can be lack of a experience but it also isn't necessarily the case.

The reality is these relationships are not necessarily easy. I think some of the concerns friends/family express are real issues that can arise and should be considered (most men will want to raise their children Muslim, Morocco will not let children leave without the father's permission, etc). My stepfather, mother and aunt have all lived in the Middle East. They were and continue to be supportive of my marriage but they did address things they thought my husband and I should discuss - most of which we already had. However, they did bring up a few things we had not explored as deeply and I am glad we dealt with those things. Also, on their advice, I talked to some family friends that are in Arab/American marriages who were able to offer real life experience. Anyway, I think the concerns can be a positive thing if you listen with an open mind rather than just putting up a defense. So many people find themselves encountering problems they never anticipated that can be big struggles and by exploring their concerns, you can may end up resolving some things earlier than later.

I don't discount how they feel. I know a lot of it comes from them caring. However, these are concerns that had been addressed and they are not even willing to have an open discussion about the relationship or hear about what the outcome of these discussions were. They are treating it as if I have just randomly decided to get married and that is not the case. At first, I heard them out bc I did think they were coming from a place of love and I an understand some of their concerns. However, it is a closed subject and no one wants to hear anything about it. That was my issue. That they are being close minded and are ignorant to the entire picture.

[ya falaha! 0]

You're def not alone. Most families don't get this whole deal let alone why we'd marry an ayrab regardless of how and where we met them. There comes a time when you have to do what you want and live how you like. You'll never be able to please anyone but yourself. My family has zero say in my life choices. Me likes it that way.

[boardashell_2000 0]

Don't let that stuff get to you it means nothing in the grand scheme of things and like the others have said in previous posts..they will probably come around once they meet him...I guess I am lucky because my family doesn't interfere in business they could actually care less and are probably happy that someone else will be taking care of me and they no longer have to..but my friends on the other hand were the most skeptical and had the most negative things to say..which were all very hurtful but I had to tell them eventually this is going to happen whether you like it or not...so you can either be a part of my life or not in it at all..So far no one has dropped out of my life and might actually be more exceited than I am at this point...It took time but it happened...Try not to stress..Your family will see the light...

[deeshla 0]

I haven't had time to read the other responses, but I wanted to say that I think almost all of us with ME/NA SOs have experienced this from someone close to us. The media has bred so much ignorance and those who lack real experience of a different culture just are not capable of understanding your point of view. What I found was it took time for people to get to know my husband and to begin to see he's not such a bad guy or an opportunist. Now my parents are so nuts about him its annoying to me. LOL These were the people who said they could NEVER accept that I married "one of those people." I know your frustration and your pain, but all any of us can do is stand in our present truth, whatever it may be and take strength in that. No one knows the future or what it will bring, but we do have today. The truth will speak for itself. Hugs.

i have to disagree with your comment about people who "lack experience of a different culture" feel this way...

my parents are well educated and well traveled (and my dad is even an immigrant) but still feel this way.

i think its just them not understanding my love for someone with so many obstacles yet wanting to take these risks anyway. they think i should find someone here who i would have less of a chance of having problems with. more logical thinking i guess. yes i could easily marry an american with similar beliefs to myself and STILL have problems, but in their eyes it would still make my life easier.

I think it can be lack of a experience but it also isn't necessarily the case.

The reality is these relationships are not necessarily easy. I think some of the concerns friends/family express are real issues that can arise and should be considered (most men will want to raise their children Muslim, Morocco will not let children leave without the father's permission, etc). My stepfather, mother and aunt have all lived in the Middle East. They were and continue to be supportive of my marriage but they did address things they thought my husband and I should discuss - most of which we already had. However, they did bring up a few things we had not explored as deeply and I am glad we dealt with those things. Also, on their advice, I talked to some family friends that are in Arab/American marriages who were able to offer real life experience. Anyway, I think the concerns can be a positive thing if you listen with an open mind rather than just putting up a defense. So many people find themselves encountering problems they never anticipated that can be big struggles and by exploring their concerns, you can may end up resolving some things earlier than later.

You beat me to it!

I have read these responses and thought of this issue in a different way. It must be very very hard to see your daughter leave the country and fall in love with someone over the internet -- and not know what is going to happen. This is not necessarily prejudice against Arabs or Muslims, but a real concern and yes, fear, about the welfare of a loved one. I have to admit, if my sister (if I had one) told me she was in love with some guy from Fill-in-the-blank country and that she was travelling to see him and possible get married -- well, I might wonder for a moment if she had gone crazy. Over time, and after meeting these wonderful husbands, family will ease up, I think -- and so would I.

Point being -- try to understand their concern as a good thing. It is difficult for most of us to fathom an internet affair, especially one that traverses oceans and continents and cultures. A parent that has seen you go through a painful divorce might also feel a little sensitive about seeing you embark on a (let's face it) risky adventure (in a country where you will be totallly dependent on someone you met over the internet).

Having said that, the blantant anti-Arab and anti-Muslim sentiment is not fair (I also had a few friends tell me to go watch that movie "Not Without My Daughter." Feh!) and I agree about how terrible and frustrating that is.

Someone above (I think abdouandjen) wrote about her father not being understanding and being an immigrant himself - I think this speaks for itself - he has a GOOD reason to be concerned, It is difficult for immigrants to get (decent) jobs here, especially at first. It is had to make a cross-cultural union work, especially at first. And it would be unloving for a parent / sibling / friend to not at least question what you are doing.

Like Rebecca said above -- there are other reasons. Many countries in question have some pretty f**cked-up laws regarding women and children. In Morocco a woman cannot leave the country with her children without the husband's permission. There are laws that punish women and reward men. If your family does any little bit of research they are sure to find these things out.

Remember, they haven't met your prince charming yet -- and when they do, Chwiya b Chwiya (little by little) -- they can learn to love him the way that you do. But I think it is fair to give them the buffer of concern and questioning up front.

I realize I have written only of marriages via internet - but I do see that a lot of people here on VJ MENA have met online.

Amanda

[Visa4habibi! 0]

Sorry, I didn't read the whole 2 pages. Just wanted to say, what you said 'Some people are so darn judgemental without even knowing everything.'

I don't have relatives here, so no such problem. But I got a lot of s.... from people who know my story. Keep getting it almost every day. And I'm OK with it, but it annoying!

Hopefully, it'll blow over! Maybe not. But you're doing what's right for YOU and nobody else. So, don't take it 'close to heart' - russian expression - don't know any similar in english. It could be just a temp thing, I hope.

If you need to vent - vent all you want - we're here for that!

Good luck and keep us posted.

T.