Help! My fiance is not ready to get married after 8 months of waiting for K1 to be approve

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Please don't post suicide threats. Also, if you give your men any suicide threads, I can see why he gets cold feet. It's a scary and emotionally draining argument. If you take one piece of advice from this forum, just a single piece, please, please, please take this one:

DON'T GIVE PEOPLE SUICIDE THREATS.

People really don't like it. Not your fiance, and not anybody on this forum.

However, "To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth." - this speaks tonns to me in the whole moral argument. The man was wrong. It was also his decision to get involved while still being married. You were deep into the relationship before discovering the truth. The responsibility lies with him.

It lies with her as well. It would have been responsible to leave him as soon as she found out he lied and is married.

If she acknowledges that and is accountable then she will not feel like a victim but like she made a conscious choice.

Everyone makes stupid choices in life but as long as we are real with ourselves and turn in another direction that is healthier for us

we will be ok.

Feeling victimized and without accountability will not bring us to a new path of emotional growth and therefore to a better life.

[trublubu2 62]

To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth. I still love him very much because he is my first man. I am not sleeping around and I remain as a virgin until 26! I have never cheat and be faithful to this man for 14 years so I dont think he is worry I am going to be the one divorce him. I dont need money and I dont need to go to America. All I need is to be with the man I love dearly Believe me we went through A LOT.

I guess I deserve it and I better off just kill myself. I dont deserve to live if this is what you all want.

Thank you everyone

um @MinCharlie? no one here hates you or wants you to commit suicide--please know that and please don't misconstrue any of the advice given here as hate speech towards you. i know you're at a sensitive time in life right now. give life some time to happen and hold yourself blameless and with self love and hope.

nevertheless, you do realize that there is a morality factor at play here, right? i know he misled you about being married, but when you found out--you chose to continue in the affair. i have sympathy for you because i've been the young naive woman who didn't know how to tell that she was the sidepiece/other woman. i was devastated when i found out i'd been played like that and vowed never to help a man cheat. however, i've *also* been the wife who was deceived and abandoned and thrown out like trash once he found what he really wanted and i don't support helping men cheat. the fact that you love him so strongly was part of the reason why this 43 year old man picked a fresh young 26 year old to play games with 14 years ago--he knew he could manipulate you and did. however, what i had to learn was a hard truth for me and that was i do have agency in creating my own situations and lot in life. sometimes one has to step back and own our situations.

trust and believe, i *understand* the suicidal ideations, but that's the extreme hurt talking. i've been there--i got abandoned and had everything take from me in 2002 by my ex-husband. at times, it sometimes seems that death would be better than going through the withdrawal pangs from this relationship you've had so much invested into. i'm SO GLAD I DIDN'T GO THAT ROUTE--i'd be rotting in a grave and the dishonest liar i'd married would be happily living his new life with his new family. i'm here to tell you that it WILL GET BETTER. please don't give up on life for anything or anyone! please seek healing and solace with a health care professional, or spirituality or a reinvention of your life.

seriously I read every single post and everyone is encouraging her? really?

if the wife came on here and was speaking how her husband is traveling to another country sleeping with a woman and trying to get her to the states... what would everyone comments be? seriously?

I agree 100% with you guys. Couldn't have said it better myself!

@Maria & Seve, @Itsgonnabeworth it, and @Ebunoluwa, as a former abandoned wife, those thoughts went through my mind as well. i decided to have empathy and chalked the whole situation up to her being a naive young woman who met her first lover who, unfortunately did a serious mind-job on her and manipulated 14 years of his pleasure out of her. that's why i didn't approach this aspect in my first response. it was a late night post and i know that people in real pain often turn to message boards to seek solace when the thoughts in their minds become unbearable. in fact, at first i thought it was a quasi-trollish post designed to work people up and see who would respond and how--and i felt so bad for being such a cynic. after the last response though, i'm not sure i was entirely wrong. my spidey senses are tingling with this whole deal...on all sides.

Edited June 16, 2015 by trublubu2

[malenliam 18]

sometimes man needs to be alone inside his cave...to give him time to think.we suppose not to tell or convince them that we are the right person for them...give him the time and space he need to miss you. the more we insist ourselves to them the more they want to be away from us.

if one day he send you message that he misses you then thats the assurance you have him back...in his own decision.

[Cathi 5,748]

I judge infidelity and affairs as unproductive and that is my opinion. My sympathy is with the ex wife and children.

If anyone here had a spouse who has someone on the side I bet this thread would look extremely different.

This whole thing is not bona fide and the petition needs to be withdrawn.

This coddling is beyond me.

I agree 100%. Why are people coddling this woman and telling her to continue with a man who cheated on his wife for 14 years? Not to mention the fact that the OP had the affair knowing he was married with CHILDREN and has zero remorse that she was a party to breaking up his family. The man was never yours to begin with and he obviously does not want to get married, he told you straight out he doesn't want to.

Please don't post suicide threats, it isn't funny and if you are serious you need to get help. Losing a man is NEVER worth dying for, especially a man like this. If you continue to post about killing yourself I will contact authorities. I lost a family member to suicide and it is something I take very seriously. It isn't your fault he lied for 3 years or that you fell in love with him, but you can move on and get your life back and you will be so much better without a man who is putting you through this emotional rollercoaster

Edited June 16, 2015 by mimolicious

[Unidentified 2,930]

um @MinCharlie? no one here hates you or wants you to commit suicide--please know that and please don't misconstrue any of the advice given here as hate speech towards you. i know you're at a sensitive time in life right now. give life some time to happen and hold yourself blameless and with self love and hope.

nevertheless, you do realize that there is a morality factor at play here, right? i know he misled you about being married, but when you found out--you chose to continue in the affair. i have sympathy for you because i've been the young naive woman who didn't know how to tell that she was the sidepiece/other woman. i was devastated when i found out i'd been played like that and vowed never to help a man cheat. however, i've *also* been the wife who was deceived and abandoned and thrown out like trash once he found what he really wanted and i don't support helping men cheat. the fact that you love him so strongly was part of the reason why this 43 year old man picked a fresh young 26 year old to play games with 14 years ago--he knew he could manipulate you and did. however, what i had to learn was a hard truth for me and that was i do have agency in creating my own situations and lot in life. sometimes one has to step back and own our situations.

@Maria & Seve, @Itsgonnabeworth it, and @Ebuolova, as a former abandoned wife, those thoughts went through my mind as well. i decided to have empathy and chalked the whole situation up to her being a naive young woman who met her first lover who, unfortunately did a serious mind-job on her and manipulated 14 years of his pleasure out of her. that's why i didn't approach this aspect in my first response. it was a late night post and i know that people in real pain often turn to message boards to seek solace when the thoughts in their minds become unbearable. in fact, at first i thought it was a quasi-trollish post designed to work people up and see who would respond and how--and i felt so bad for being such a cynic. after the last response though, i'm not sure i was entirely wrong. my spidey senses are tingling with this whole deal...on all sides.

I agree she may have been naive in the beginning but when she realized he was already married, she continued to be with him despite wife and kids. Sorry, I don't have empathy for cheaters and the people who are with married people. He may have manipulated her, but she knew full well that he was someone else's husband.

[GYnot 8]

Having been through a divorce, I can tell you it's a painful process and one of the things that strikes you as you emerge from it, is that you don't want to endure that pain and expenses again. It makes you want to really think about what you're doing and makes you hesitant to take that step again. If his divorce is fresh and it was a painful one then you should be sure that it's on his mind.

What I would suggest to you is that you accept his current state of mind and suggest to him that you've both invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship. That you don't have to get married right away. That you can come for the visa and really use it as a time to get to know each other and to decide if you're well suited to each other. You don't have to get married, though certainly that's the expectation. I have a good friend who brought his fiancee from Thailand twice, the first time they choose not to marry, the second time they did.

How you react is as important as how he's acting.

[Shauneg 762]

Stop judging them, people. Don't put more oil in a fire! All we know is some facts, but we don't know them in person.

To OP: 14 years long love doesn't fade away this simple. Leave him alone for a while, you are hurt, you have feelings too. Give him some time, wait till he reaches out for you. God knows what is in his mind right now. He will come back to you, I am sure. Or he is an absolute fool. Be strong, Girl. I was in a similar boat, I am with you.

How to tell others no judge thenin the same paragraph allude to the same? Calling him a fool is judging. Maybe he isn't a fool at all and knows far now than what we do.

[ItsGonnaBeWorthIt 191]

listen everyone makes mistakes... im talking about how MOSTLY everyone on here is not even telling her she was wrong? the first 4 pages if not 5 people are encouraging her to give him space and let him breath. poor guy he just got divorced he needs time.. he was cheating on his wife for 14 years! that's my point in this whole matter. no he doesn't need space. no he doesn't need time to think. this HUSBAND traveled miles and miles away for 14 years with his wife and children at home and was sleeping with another woman. im not saying I want the girl to die. not at all. I don't think the guilt trip should be played here. she found out 3 years later. ok good she should of left him there. yes 3 years is hard. but OP understand how his wife feels? 14 years of your lfie wasted on a man that was living a double life. im sorry but for ME being a wife. how I would feel if I found out that my husband was leaving the country to be with another woman while im at home taking care of his children. I married for love. I don't do side chicks. never will , never have.

no I do not feel sorry for the OP because 1. she knew after the three years he was married 2. she continued on knowing he has a wife and children. no remorse? no sadness for his family? once again I do not wish death on your life and the guilt should of been felt long ago.

I wish you well and that you move on with your life. I really honestly do.

Edited June 16, 2015 by ItsGonnaBeWorthIt

[Project_Harajuku 28]

No offense but you sound unstable. I sympathized with your initial post but after reading your follow up responses it's clear that you willingly continued to be with this man even after finding out that he was married with a family. As someone who will be getting married soon I can't condone nor accept that. The fact that after reading your posts people are still encouraging you is laughable. This is a forum that's supposed to encourage us to "rightfully" be with the one that we love, not break up families just to get a visa.

This man getting cold feet is probably karma for what you have been condoning all these years. I'm very surprised that you allowed this to go on so long. Quite frankly you have no one to blame but yourself.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Having been through a divorce, I can tell you it's a painful process and one of the things that strikes you as you emerge from it, is that you don't want to endure that pain and expenses again. It makes you want to really think about what you're doing and makes you hesitant to take that step again. If his divorce is fresh and it was a painful one then you should be sure that it's on his mind.

What I would suggest to you is that you accept his current state of mind and suggest to him that you've both invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship. That you don't have to get married right away. That you can come for the visa and really use it as a time to get to know each other and to decide if you're well suited to each other. You don't have to get married, though certainly that's the expectation. I have a good friend who brought his fiancee from Thailand twice, the first time they choose not to marry, the second time they did.

How you react is as important as how he's acting.

I don't recommend doing this. First of all I don't think he's interested in her coming over. Second of all not using your K1 can have bad effects on future visas, your friend was lucky. People have been denied future visas because they didn't use the K1.

[deleted this acco 44]

I don't understand the post. They were together 14 years but he lied to her for 3 years? He was a married man with kids? My sympathy to his ex-wife and children.

[OLee 64]

How to tell others no judge thenin the same paragraph allude to the same? Calling him a fool is judging. Maybe he isn't a fool at all and knows far now than what we do.

Maybe he is not. I don't know. Do you?

[novedsac 355]

I don't understand the post. They were together 14 years but he lied to her for 3 years? He was a married man with kids? My sympathy to his ex-wife and children.

That we know of ...

That's the problem with a lie, especially from an adult of his age ... it could very well be part of his core personality. What else is lurking under the hood?

[Ontarkie 14,221]

~~Non contributing post removed. Stay on topic or do not post.~~

[TBoneTX 45,285]

Post removed from thread, edited to remove an attempt to sidestep the VJ word-filter, and returned to thread as follows:

There are great advises that VJ members gave you. I know that it is very hard for you to forget this man as you still love him, but actions are bigger than words and with his past and recent actions he showed you he does not truly loves you. You must look at the big picture. You only know him from long distance and spending vacations with him. People can put a real cover. It happened to me, I was heartbroken but then we must pick up broken pieces and move on. Scumbags are not worth our tears and heartache. Be strong and time will show and prove that you got some great advises on here that you should listen to. Just because he applied for K1 does not mean, he truly loves you. I have a friend that got married to a guy that petitioned for her. They knew each other for years. She was waiting for her interview. Leter turned out that he was in relationship with another woman and he had no intentions to bring her to his country. Her heart was shattered, but she had no choice but to forget [him] and move on. I wish you lots of strenght, but you deseve better that this guy who dragged you along for so many years. Hope you find someone worth your love soon! I know, you don't want to listen to this now, but you are better off with someone else.

Furthermore, 3 totally off-topic posts have been removed. Any more posts that discuss the tropical storm will be removed.

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