Help! My fiance is not ready to get married after 8 months of waiting for K1 to be approve

[MinCharlie 7]

Few comments...

1) Even if it wasn't legally documented, to have sort of wedding ceremony and honeymoon

and to file fiancee visa is treading on fraud, and should you make it to the interview,

if they uncover this, you could be denied.

2) Also since you guys were dating you while he was married, just realize that, if you guys get married,

this sort of behavior could repeat...by him or by you. That's a bit of warning sign to consider.

3) Putting you out of the picture for the moment, he had a long divorce proceeding,

which means it probably wasn't a smooth one. Therefore, he is probably traumatized right now,

and he is quite fearful of marriage falling apart and having to go through this again.

4) What you like is your choice, and what he likes is his choice.

You don't have to like what he likes, and he doesn't have to like what you like.

Both of you are simply exercising your right to declare what each of you like.

So realize that it will be hard to convince someone to like something (marriage) that he doesn't like.

5) Lastly, just because he has a change of heart now, I don't necessarily agree with some posters

calling him a bad man that just used you. I do believe that he still loves you, but he just can't

deal with another marriage and possible divorce again.

If you want to win his heart, here is my suggestion...

6) Don't press him for marriage or fiancee visa and let him recover naturally from his last divorce over time.

7) Carefully listen to things he tells you, and figure out what his needs are

and try to provide that to him.

8) At this point, I'm assuming that he needs someone that is not making any demands from him

(probably like his ex-wife), but rather be his strong companion.

9) Just like you were calculating pros and cons, he's doing the same thing without telling you all the details.

If you just focus on comforting him vs. making any demands (marriage, visa, etc.),

then you may increase the chance that he really want to be with you.

10) Finally, you should (emotionally) step away from this relationship, and really think about

do I really want to be with someone that doesn't want to marry me?

Shouldn't I find someone that really want to marry me?

Best of luck!!!

I am not demanding anything right now because I am not calling, texting or emailing him after his text.

He was not even ready to talk to me. So i am backing off while planning what I want to do without him

I am not sure if I really want to be the one to perusing this anymore. My goal is never to go to America, I just wanted to be with him.

I think if he loves me he will be back

[dwheels76 5,468]

it was supposed to rain heavily at 7pm yesterday, then 10pm, then 4am.....no flooding. I am in my office near Allen parkway

I'm in Willowbrook live in Pearland and we are getting hammered with rain out here in Willowbrook. I mean rain rain rain. And they said it would be like this all day. The feeder roads all up and down I 45 were already getting high. So prepare.

MinCharlie, I am sorry. Take a step back and just breathe. Take care of you okay.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Stop judging them, people. Don't put more oil in a fire! All we know is some facts, but we don't know them in person.

To OP: 14 years long love doesn't fade away this simple. Leave him alone for a while, you are hurt, you have feelings too. Give him some time, wait till he reaches out for you. God knows what is in his mind right now. He will come back to you, I am sure. Or he is an absolute fool. Be strong, Girl. I was in a similar boat, I am with you.

I judge infidelity and affairs as unproductive and that is my opinion. My sympathy is with the ex wife and children.

If anyone here had a spouse who has someone on the side I bet this thread would look extremely different.

This whole thing is not bona fide and the petition needs to be withdrawn.

This coddling is beyond me.

Edited June 16, 2015 by Ebunoluwa

[ItsGonnaBeWorthIt 191]

you had an affair with a married man for 14 years and everyone is ok with it?

the wife? the children? no one cares?

because its the not the wife its all good and no one knows the whole story? im just confused how everyone is ok with her sleeping with a married man

I don't usually post on this stuff but most people on this website are marrying someone! and I think a lot of people that posted on this thread is married, everyone is ok with it?

Edited June 16, 2015 by ItsGonnaBeWorthIt

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

you had an affair with a married man for 14 years and everyone is ok with it?

the wife? the children? no one cares?

because its the mistress and not the wife its all good? im just confused how everyone is ok with her sleeping with a married man

Exactly. I feel like I am in the twilight zone with all these poor lady poor guy comments. What the heck !

If it was their spouse they would sing a different tune.

[Unidentified 2,930]

I judge infidelity and affairs as unproductive and that is my opinion. My sympathy is with the ex wife and children.

If anyone here had a spouse who has someone on the side I bet this thread would look extremely different.

This whole thing is not bona fide and the petition needs to be withdrawn.

This coddling is beyond me.

you had an affair with a married man for 14 years and everyone is ok with it?

the wife? the children? no one cares?

because its the not the wife its all good and no one knows the whole story? im just confused how everyone is ok with her sleeping with a married man

I don't usually post on this stuff but most people on this website are marrying someone! and I think a lot of people that posted on this thread is married, everyone is ok with it?

Exactly. I feel like I am in the twilight zone with all these poor lady poor guy comments. What the heck !

If it was their spouse they would sing a different tune.

I agree 100% with you guys. Couldn't have said it better myself!

[ItsGonnaBeWorthIt 191]

Exactly. I feel like I am in the twilight zone with all these poor lady poor guy comments. What the heck !

If it was their spouse they would sing a different tune.

seriously I read every single post and everyone is encouraging her? really?

if the wife came on here and was speaking how her husband is traveling to another country sleeping with a woman and trying to get her to the states... what would everyone comments be? seriously?

[naire37 53]

OP, I do not mean to judge, just want to share my experience with you. All people are different, I don't know him or you well, each story is unique, so you'll know in yourself what to do. I believe people gave you great advice: wait and see if he cancels K1 at some point, and give him as much space as he needs in the meanwhile. It's not over until it's over - however, there are a few things that really speak against your fiance: the lies about being single, the long wait... So in the meanwhile mentally, actually, try thinking about yourself as a free person, with other things in your life than just this man.

Anyhow. Here is the deal.

I've been in a long-distance relationship for 10 years before meeting the current guy. It's not fourteen, but it's awful close. I've met my ex when I was 18, and we've dated all the way till 28. That was my first serious relationship. We agreed on moving in together once we both finish college, and then I get a job, and all that. It took a bit longer for the person to finish college. Then things got complicated a few times. Then the person said "I want to earn enough money to not be a liability for you in US", so I waited again - even though I was earning good money myself, I did not want to hurt their pride! Etc. Anyhow, those were all legit serious reasons for delays, or so I thought, but in the end it was just "I don't want to move to US unless everything is right between us and I don't feel like things are right", and things got too complicated, and we broke up.

It was horrible. It was my first relationship - same as you - and I had no idea how to live my life without actually having this master plan of having that person coming over to US and living with me. It wasn't even that we had that good of a relationship at the end, but I was terribly attached to having this plan in my head, this way of thinking that this is how my life is going to go, having this dream of how things should be. It was very sad and it took me almost a year to build up courage to follow through with breaking up and not keep begging the ex to come back.

However.

A year something later I've met a different person - the guy on my icon.

And at that point I knew I don't want to waste any time. And neither did he (he also had a very long 10+ long-distance relationship before that, that did not go anywhere). So we met once - a month after meeting online - and submitted the K1 after that. And, you know, just the sheer thrill of knowing that your fiance is willing to do things for you, as opposed to just speaking all the sweet things (but still making you put your life "on hold" for years) is still fresh and it feels ridiculously amazing.

Is the breakup horrible? Yes. Does it feel like the end of the world? Definitely. Do you have the feeling "OMG I've wasted my good years, I have to keep pushing, because this is the best I'm gonna get"? Oh yeah, I was worried sick about being 28 and not even knowing how to date. Does it have to build up in you, the tiredness to put up with the unfairness of the situation? It can take a year, easily. But deep inside you you probably know that the "single" lie was not fair - he lied and you got attached. And the current situation is not fair to you either. So think whether you'll be able to live with it or put up with whatever not fairness he may do next. Don't feel like you must be with him.

Oh, and last thing... I actually relate to "can't imagine myself in another man's bed". You see, the person I've dated for 10 years, my ex, was a girl. I could not imagine myself dating a guy. Yet... things happen, you know. When you are ready, things happen.

In the meanwhile, do take care of yourself, do give this guy a critical thought, and do, I guess, wait and see how it plays out. It may still work for you - people are amazing like that, it could be that he just got temporary cold feet. But if it doesn't work, a) you'll have some shoulders to cry on on this forum, I promise and b) you might be better off. healing is a long and sad process, but things work out in most amazing ways.

And yes, I'm still angry now - not at my ex, but at myself, for waiting 10 years. I could have gotten married and have kids and had a person I love falling asleep next to me every night. Those were good 10 years, but I should have probably figured out it was going nowhere sooner. Still, I don't look backwards and wish for them to come back and live that sweet fantasy again - I look forward to being with someone who actually gets things done and hopefully will be over in US in just a few months.

My best and warmest wishes to you, OP.

[hanniel 41]

Exactly. I feel like I am in the twilight zone with all these poor lady poor guy comments. What the heck !

If it was their spouse they would sing a different tune.

for some reason when I read the OP's original comments I felt deep sympathy for her. But come to think of it, her "boyfriend" was married to someone else. She was the other woman. No wonder he has cold feet. If she is wiling to be with a married man he is probably thinking that if they are married he could be played too.

[MinCharlie 7]

To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth. I still love him very much because he is my first man. I am not sleeping around and I remain as a virgin until 26! I have never cheat and be faithful to this man for 14 years so I dont think he is worry I am going to be the one divorce him. I dont need money and I dont need to go to America. All I need is to be with the man I love dearly Believe me we went through A LOT.

I guess I deserve it and I better off just kill myself. I dont deserve to live if this is what you all want.

Thank you everyone

Edited June 16, 2015 by MinCharlie

[Darnell 8,479]

I guess I deserve it and I better off just kill myself. I dont deserve to live if this is what you all want

To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth. Believe me we went through A LOT.

Thank you everyone

I can understand how you feel, sorta, as I lived through 8 months of her deceptions after she immigrated in. I never felt suicidal, I value myself too much - so with that said - HEY ! Every life has value - don't scrape away your value, at all ! Or I call yer mum, complain to her... [that's a joke, I'd never call her]

but - you have a bit of a social support network where you live - I suggest you reach out to those folk that you trust to NOT gossip about your situation, and pour out your heart/grief to them at a hawker market, and soon.

[ItsGonnaBeWorthIt 191]

I guess I deserve it and I better off just kill myself. I dont deserve to live if this is what you all want

To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth. Believe me we went through A LOT.

Thank you everyone

no one on here thinks you deserve to die or wants you to die.. I can assure you that 100%

[naire37 53]

To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth. I still love him very much because he is my first man. I am not sleeping around and I remain as a virgin until 26! I have never cheat and be faithful to this man for 14 years so I dont think he is worry I am going to be the one divorce him. I dont need money and I dont need to go to America. All I need is to be with the man I love dearly Believe me we went through A LOT.

I guess I deserve it and I better off just kill myself. I dont deserve to live if this is what you all want.

Thank you everyone

Please don't post suicide threats. Also, if you give your men any suicide threads, I can see why he gets cold feet. It's a scary and emotionally draining argument. If you take one piece of advice from this forum, just a single piece, please, please, please take this one:

DON'T GIVE PEOPLE SUICIDE THREATS.

People really don't like it. Not your fiance, and not anybody on this forum.

However, "To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth." - this speaks tonns to me in the whole moral argument. The man was wrong. It was also his decision to get involved while still being married. You were deep into the relationship before discovering the truth. The responsibility lies with him.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I guess I deserve it and I better off just kill myself. I dont deserve to live if this is what you all want

To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth. Believe me we went through A LOT.

Thank you everyone

No, not kill yourself or go from one extreme to the other but be mature and think of your self worth.

Be realistic and don't build castles in the sky.

Live your life.

Life is too short to waste it.

Get counseling from a professional.

[hanniel 41]

To love a married man is wrong but I was deceived for 3 years before I knew the truth. I still love him very much because he is my first man. I am not sleeping around and I remain as a virgin until 26! I have never cheat and be faithful to this man for 14 years so I dont think he is worry I am going to be the one divorce him. I dont need money and I dont need to go to America. All I need is to be with the man I love dearly Believe me we went through A LOT.

I guess I deserve it and I better off just kill myself. I dont deserve to live if this is what you all want.

Thank you everyone

Relax. People make mistakes all the time. This is a sign that things weren't meant to be. Although you feel terrible there are better days. People care for your wellbeing. There is light at the end of the tunnel.