Irrational husband adjustment issues and removal of condition

[WombatWombat 9]

Actually, so did I - and I'm the OP.

I was never really sure about having kids and all that responsibility that comes with it. Ironically, it seems I now have both (a man and a child) combined in one person. Life does have a sense of humor, right?

[pddp 240]

OP, I would suggest for you to read up on the cycle of abuse. (Resources here, here and here.) From what you are saying, it seems quite clear that you are being emotionally abused by your husband. Even if you don't think so, it's good to be aware. Abuse that's not physical often gets overlooked, even if the consequences can be equally devastating. I wish you all the best! <3

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

African women take too much!!

Sorry, my sister.

You are not responsible for this grown man who knows what he is doing, abeg!

Some of us women endure too much! Read your post to yourself and you will know what to do.

You said you are broke, please borrow money for plane ticket, and send him back on a direct flight ( Delta)! And don't look back or feel bad.

Our culture makes a divorced woman feel bad for "her inability to keep a man".

You will survive without him. And you will meet another man who will treat you better. And don't allow the family back home to shame you or whatever they say get you.

Sorry guys, i had to go off. I feel my sister's pain. I have seen it happen too many times.

[Sweetfruits 4]

Dear WombatWombat,

So despite all this, do you still call the thing between you two a marriage? I hope you not because its not. Try me, he is having another wife and probably children in his home country Senegal. How can he treat you like BS and not respecting you like you do? Why will you buy him a ticket to and fro his home country in the first place? It seems you are giving him the opportunity to be putting you through all this mess. You are not his slave and you should let him know about that. Do not pay to remove conditions nor should you buy his plane ticket. Let him pay for anything he wants for himself because you brought him over and help him get a job only for him to be threatening to leave jobs because of silly augments. A friend of mind went through this same in the hands of a man from the same country as yours Dakar, Senegal and they ended up in court for annulment because of the so call husband was married back home.

Talk with him and let him tell you what exactly he want and make a final decision together...

Thanks

[WombatWombat 9]

Hello all, I wanted to send an update to my story. I ended up filing for removal of condition after all, because I didn't want to hold the green card over his head.

Things got a little better for a while - he stopped constantly harping on my past, he controlled his temper for the most part, and he found a temp job with my help, that he considered easy, where he made some friends and where they liked him.

Overall, we started being happier. He also gave me $100.00 a week from his paycheck (he made $360.00 a week) to pay for his car payment/insurance. He also paid for his own gas. The rest of the money was his' to do with as he pleased. I paid for all other bills, groceries and his phone bill.

However, he continued to complain how the money was so little, and that it was even less because he had to "help" me, and that he would never be able to buy land/build a house at home.

A couple of months later, he was offered a parcel of land back home at a great deal, and I took out another cash advance in order to purchase it, thinking that maybe that would convince him that we were on the right track to both having a life here, but also building something in his home country.

I was able to spend a week with my girlfriends while he was "holding down the fort" back home. When I came back, it turned out that he called out sick for three days from his job (he had a cold)

A month later, I left for another week in order to visit my family overseas - I hadn't seen them in 4 years due to finances, and hubby being so dependent. Everything was great, when I left, and I enthusiastically told my family how things had improved and we are finally over the hump with him working and contributing.

I spoke with him daily, and during those calls inquired to make sure he was going to work - yes, no problem, he was going every day.

He picked me up from the airport a week later, and told me he got fired. Since it was a temp job, I was not too concerned yet, and told him we would just call the temp agency the next day and they would find him something else. He adamantly refused to contact the temp agency, but couldn't give me an explanation why.

I was perplexed until I saw his timesheet - he only worked 2 days, and called out for three. So of course they let him go. To add insult to injury, he lied to me about going to work every day.

He also spent every dime of his last paycheck (including the $100.00 he was supposed to give me for the car), and racked up his credit card bill to $1,450.00 in the last month (and no, he didn't send any money home, but we suddenly have a new TV and a couple of new guitars, and a new smartphone).

When confronted, he started again how he wants to go home, and how the US is no good, and life here is too expensive. But he does want his green card, and eventually that citizenship because it would give him freedom to travel, and come here "to earn some money". He feels, that he is "late" in having a music career and that his music would take off and he could make a living and be famous in his own country. He is talented, and I believe he has a shot at making it, and I had already agreed that he would be able to go back home for an extended period of time to pursue that dream, after he obtained his citizenship.

But of course this plan also included him working and contributing and saving until such time.

Anyway, during that fight, I purchased a plane ticket for him to go home, and took him to the airport 5 days later to return to his country.

I have to admit, I cried and cried and cried at the thought of him leaving. He will be gone for 5 months (at which time he is eligible to file for citizenship if he returns).

My heart and my head are in constant struggle. My head tells me that my only option is divorce. My heart adamantly insists on not letting go, and that I will never love another man as much as I love him.

I chastise myself for holding on to hope that he will eventually keep his promises and we will find a solution that works for both of us and allow us to remain married. But looking at the history of our relationship, he is not willing to put in any effort towards the marriage, and expects that everything is being handed to him. It breaks my heart, not just for myself, but also for him wasting this opportunity he has been given.

I am not perfect, but I have tried to be sensitive to his needs and frustration at adjustment.

Now I am trying to decide what my next step should be... and how to convince my heart to let me do what needs to be done.

I am wondering if I should hang on just a little while longer until he gets his citizenship. It is bad enough I will most likely have to pay alimony, but I am concerned about my sponsorship obligations - especially since he obviously can't hold a job.

Or am I overthinking the whole immigration issue? I assume since we already filed for removal of condition, he will probably just receive his permanent green card in a few months.

I probably shouldn't share all this on a public forum, but I could really use a little more feedback, even if not strictly related to immigration.

[tomyka81 95]

Hi. I read what all has happened and sometimes it is just ok to get it off your chest. Hold your head up high ma'am. Do not feel embarrassed by anything that you have done, sacrificed, or given to this man. Also don't feel embarrassed by sharing this in a "public" forum lol. As soon as I run past a lady named "WombatWombat" I will give you a hug because I will certainly know that it is you. Most people who have ever truly loved and taken risks have experienced some form of hurt. Don't let anyone make you feel foolish for showing compassion on somebody else. Trust me on it. You are perplexed by what to do. You really aren't though. I have been divorced twice. Each time, my first inclining was to separate my finances and realize I could handle things myself. If you have found yourself calculating a single woman's budget, you have already made your mind up. No judgment here and you have no shame. What you did for him was honorable and he squandered it being stupid. So look up and be good. :-)

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Hello all, I wanted to send an update to my story. I ended up filing for removal of condition after all, because I didn't want to hold the green card over his head.

Things got a little better for a while - he stopped constantly harping on my past, he controlled his temper for the most part, and he found a temp job with my help, that he considered easy, where he made some friends and where they liked him.

Overall, we started being happier. He also gave me $100.00 a week from his paycheck (he made $360.00 a week) to pay for his car payment/insurance. He also paid for his own gas. The rest of the money was his' to do with as he pleased. I paid for all other bills, groceries and his phone bill.

However, he continued to complain how the money was so little, and that it was even less because he had to "help" me, and that he would never be able to buy land/build a house at home.

A couple of months later, he was offered a parcel of land back home at a great deal, and I took out another cash advance in order to purchase it, thinking that maybe that would convince him that we were on the right track to both having a life here, but also building something in his home country.

I was able to spend a week with my girlfriends while he was "holding down the fort" back home. When I came back, it turned out that he called out sick for three days from his job (he had a cold)

A month later, I left for another week in order to visit my family overseas - I hadn't seen them in 4 years due to finances, and hubby being so dependent. Everything was great, when I left, and I enthusiastically told my family how things had improved and we are finally over the hump with him working and contributing.

I spoke with him daily, and during those calls inquired to make sure he was going to work - yes, no problem, he was going every day.

He picked me up from the airport a week later, and told me he got fired. Since it was a temp job, I was not too concerned yet, and told him we would just call the temp agency the next day and they would find him something else. He adamantly refused to contact the temp agency, but couldn't give me an explanation why.

I was perplexed until I saw his timesheet - he only worked 2 days, and called out for three. So of course they let him go. To add insult to injury, he lied to me about going to work every day.

He also spent every dime of his last paycheck (including the $100.00 he was supposed to give me for the car), and racked up his credit card bill to $1,450.00 in the last month (and no, he didn't send any money home, but we suddenly have a new TV and a couple of new guitars, and a new smartphone).

When confronted, he started again how he wants to go home, and how the US is no good, and life here is too expensive. But he does want his green card, and eventually that citizenship because it would give him freedom to travel, and come here "to earn some money". He feels, that he is "late" in having a music career and that his music would take off and he could make a living and be famous in his own country. He is talented, and I believe he has a shot at making it, and I had already agreed that he would be able to go back home for an extended period of time to pursue that dream, after he obtained his citizenship.

But of course this plan also included him working and contributing and saving until such time.

Anyway, during that fight, I purchased a plane ticket for him to go home, and took him to the airport 5 days later to return to his country.

I have to admit, I cried and cried and cried at the thought of him leaving. He will be gone for 5 months (at which time he is eligible to file for citizenship if he returns).

My heart and my head are in constant struggle. My head tells me that my only option is divorce. My heart adamantly insists on not letting go, and that I will never love another man as much as I love him.

I chastise myself for holding on to hope that he will eventually keep his promises and we will find a solution that works for both of us and allow us to remain married. But looking at the history of our relationship, he is not willing to put in any effort towards the marriage, and expects that everything is being handed to him. It breaks my heart, not just for myself, but also for him wasting this opportunity he has been given.

I am not perfect, but I have tried to be sensitive to his needs and frustration at adjustment.

Now I am trying to decide what my next step should be... and how to convince my heart to let me do what needs to be done.

I am wondering if I should hang on just a little while longer until he gets his citizenship. It is bad enough I will most likely have to pay alimony, but I am concerned about my sponsorship obligations - especially since he obviously can't hold a job.

Or am I overthinking the whole immigration issue? I assume since we already filed for removal of condition, he will probably just receive his permanent green card in a few months.

I probably shouldn't share all this on a public forum, but I could really use a little more feedback, even if not strictly related to immigration.

He gives you $100 so you can pay for his car insurance and he gets a gold star for paying his own gas ? That's it ?

That sounds like a teenager not a grown man.

You need to read this entire thread again, not much has changed.

He still doesn't want to work and has the pipe dream of becoming famous. Please ! Still blows money on pot and charges his new toys on credit

cards.

He complaints he can't built a house "at home" because he has to "help you". Really ? Help you by giving you $100 to pay for his car insurance !

He doesn't consider being with you his "home", he wants to travel to make money and spend all this time away from you (which may indicate

a second woman there).

So what's to love ?

His temper tantrums, his lack of effort for the marriage, his selfishness or his lies or the fact that he can't hold a job ?

Can't you see your co dependence ?

I suggest you get some counseling for yourself to learn to establish some healthy boundaries. He doesn't act like a husband but like

a spoiled immature brat. You are the enabler. Why don't you believe you deserve better ?

It doesn't matter what your heart tells you, use your brain, the heart will eventually follow the healthy decision your mind needs to make.

You assume he will just get his permanent GC but he could be called for an interview and that wouldn't go over well without co mingled

financial evidence and him out of the country half the time.

[TBoneTX 45,704]

He was devious about his doings, and he lied to you.

Your respective life goals differ.

Financial irresponsibility is not a foundation for a solid or lasting marriage.

It's natural to dwell on the "what might have been," but a future together isn't in the cards.

You won't believe the feeling of relief when you cut all the ties and look ahead, not back.

[TBoneTX 45,704]

I just skimmed the earlier pages of the thread, and:

-- Nothing has changed. The patterns of behavior remain consistent.

-- The advice remains unanimous.

Set yourself free, without an iota of regret.

Edited December 2, 2015 by TBoneTX

[Boiler 45,794]

Ohhhh dear

[NikLR 13,230]

I agree with tbone.

Stand up for yourself! No one else will. You NEED to.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Hello all, I wanted to send an update to my story. I ended up filing for removal of condition after all, because I didn't want to hold the green card over his head.

Things got a little better for a while - he stopped constantly harping on my past, he controlled his temper for the most part, and he found a temp job with my help, that he considered easy, where he made some friends and where they liked him.

Overall, we started being happier. He also gave me $100.00 a week from his paycheck (he made $360.00 a week) to pay for his car payment/insurance. He also paid for his own gas. The rest of the money was his' to do with as he pleased. I paid for all other bills, groceries and his phone bill.

However, he continued to complain how the money was so little, and that it was even less because he had to "help" me, and that he would never be able to buy land/build a house at home.

A couple of months later, he was offered a parcel of land back home at a great deal, and I took out another cash advance in order to purchase it, thinking that maybe that would convince him that we were on the right track to both having a life here, but also building something in his home country.

I was able to spend a week with my girlfriends while he was "holding down the fort" back home. When I came back, it turned out that he called out sick for three days from his job (he had a cold)

A month later, I left for another week in order to visit my family overseas - I hadn't seen them in 4 years due to finances, and hubby being so dependent. Everything was great, when I left, and I enthusiastically told my family how things had improved and we are finally over the hump with him working and contributing.

I spoke with him daily, and during those calls inquired to make sure he was going to work - yes, no problem, he was going every day.

He picked me up from the airport a week later, and told me he got fired. Since it was a temp job, I was not too concerned yet, and told him we would just call the temp agency the next day and they would find him something else. He adamantly refused to contact the temp agency, but couldn't give me an explanation why.

I was perplexed until I saw his timesheet - he only worked 2 days, and called out for three. So of course they let him go. To add insult to injury, he lied to me about going to work every day.

He also spent every dime of his last paycheck (including the $100.00 he was supposed to give me for the car), and racked up his credit card bill to $1,450.00 in the last month (and no, he didn't send any money home, but we suddenly have a new TV and a couple of new guitars, and a new smartphone).

When confronted, he started again how he wants to go home, and how the US is no good, and life here is too expensive. But he does want his green card, and eventually that citizenship because it would give him freedom to travel, and come here "to earn some money". He feels, that he is "late" in having a music career and that his music would take off and he could make a living and be famous in his own country. He is talented, and I believe he has a shot at making it, and I had already agreed that he would be able to go back home for an extended period of time to pursue that dream, after he obtained his citizenship.

But of course this plan also included him working and contributing and saving until such time.

Anyway, during that fight, I purchased a plane ticket for him to go home, and took him to the airport 5 days later to return to his country.

I have to admit, I cried and cried and cried at the thought of him leaving. He will be gone for 5 months (at which time he is eligible to file for citizenship if he returns).

My heart and my head are in constant struggle. My head tells me that my only option is divorce. My heart adamantly insists on not letting go, and that I will never love another man as much as I love him.

I chastise myself for holding on to hope that he will eventually keep his promises and we will find a solution that works for both of us and allow us to remain married. But looking at the history of our relationship, he is not willing to put in any effort towards the marriage, and expects that everything is being handed to him. It breaks my heart, not just for myself, but also for him wasting this opportunity he has been given.

I am not perfect, but I have tried to be sensitive to his needs and frustration at adjustment.

Now I am trying to decide what my next step should be... and how to convince my heart to let me do what needs to be done.

I am wondering if I should hang on just a little while longer until he gets his citizenship. It is bad enough I will most likely have to pay alimony, but I am concerned about my sponsorship obligations - especially since he obviously can't hold a job.

Or am I overthinking the whole immigration issue? I assume since we already filed for removal of condition, he will probably just receive his permanent green card in a few months.

I probably shouldn't share all this on a public forum, but I could really use a little more feedback, even if not strictly related to immigration.

Things haven't changed and they might never change.

You are losing this fight and you have refused to see it.

This man has a car who you will end up paying for. He has credit card bill(s) you will end up paying for, and the list goes on and on.

Stop making the same mistakes over and over.

So far, your husband has shown you WHO HE IS, and you continue to believe that he is nothing like what he has shown you. Why are you accepting this from this man.

"A dirty cloth is never better than no cloth". You have to take a stand and stand by it.

If [ you don't set your own tune, you will end up dancing to someone's tune] and this is exactly you this man is doing to you.

You really need to speak to someone to either smack you into reality or talk nice to you into reality, whichever works.

You can't keep enabling him.

You know damn well the inevitable will happen but you are trying to prolong it. Ask yourself who will lose the most in the end?

I am not saying that get divorce right away if you are not ready for that step.

Take him off any financial responsibility you may have. And take your name off his.

If you have the lowest expectation of man, he will give you the minimum. And his minimum is the $100 he gives u every week, which he complains about. Stop paying for stuffs for him. The man is the provider, protector, expect and let him do that.

[Sandra G. 5,054]

WOW you are still living with this loser...unbeliavable. I urge you to seek some therapy. No offense here but it doesn't matter how much YOU love him, but it matters how much he loves you, I would say zero, nada. He went back home, I bet he will find a girlfriend or wife, and he will live there most of the time, but he will return to the USA a few months per year to make some money. He will be able to stay in your house for free and he will do that when he comes back to make some money! Do you really think this kind the relationship is worth it? not for me my dear, no way, no how. Good luck.

"Losers make promises they often break. Winners make commitments they always keep".

(Denis Waitley)

Edited December 2, 2015 by sandranj

[B&Z 201]

WombatWombat....Love is also a verb, not just a feeling.

Look at his ACTIONS and ask yourself if he is showing you that he loves and respects you.

It may be helpful to make some lists:

- Pros and cons of staying with him if things stay exactly as they are now,

- Pros and cons of divorcing him and moving on,

- A list of what you're giving to the relationship vs. what you're getting from it.

- Take stock of how much time you're spending in the highs of the relationship vs. how much time you're spending in the lows of it.

It looks very much like you're addicted to the short-lived, enthralling highs you get when he's on his best behavior, and it's been enough to keep you strung along waiting and hoping one day for some sort of miracle to happen that will transform him into the man you "know" he can be, but who also happens to be the man he, more often than not, ISN'T.

This "man" has outright lied to you, provided nothing for you, is more concerned with getting money than anything else and yet doesn't seem to be capable of actually saving any money whatsoever. Is he privately thinking that one of these days you're going to buy the house for him? Someone who is interested in saving money to buy land and build a house is a person who is not going to miss so many days of work, not going to lose job after job after job, and not going to be interested in buying needless items on credit (while lying to his spouse about it). He's telling you an awful lot of stories, but his actions just don't add up with what he says.

It is now 6 months later than your original post. What has all of your wishing and hoping and praying done to change him from May to today? 15 years in a long distance relationship is not what you signed up for, is it? Do you want to be married to a man who doesn't want to actually live with you most of the time? A man who fills your life with so much drama and lies to you whenever it suits him? A man who makes you foot all of his bills and can't/WON'T hold down a job? A man whose primary concern is NOT to provide for you and to stick it out here with you through thick and thin?

A lot of immigrant spouses come here and face the harsh reality that making money and having a job here isn't as easy as they thought it would be...but (most of the time) they don't leave their spouses and go back home multiple times because of it. They stick it out until they get the hang of things.

I truly hope one day (soon, I hope!) you'll realize that you're worth so much more than what you've put up with. You're addicted to this man's drama/"love", so I know it isn't easy to cut your losses and walk away...but it'll be the smartest and healthiest decision you'll ever make for the incredible, deserving woman that you are. You can and WILL find a real man who will treat you the way you want to be treated (99-100% of the time) if you'll just find the courage and self-love to put yourself first for once.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

OP,

You may be legally married, but you are not his "wife". He is just using you for immigration, to pay for his toys, and for room and board. I hope that you realize that the moment he gets his citizenship, he will leave you and move to his country to be with his REAL wife, and live on the land hat YOU bought for them. And you keep getting into more debt and financial problems because of him.

Your situation reminds me of a woman I knew some years ago. She is not on this board, she's an older lady from where I used to live. She was in her 40's at the time, overweight but not grossly, not very good looking, and never seemed to be in any relationships since I was a kid living near her. Typical low self-esteem, seemed like the desperate type. She married a foreigner (don't remember where from) who was on a tourist visa and came to the US once a year to work illegally and take all the money back. They met and he was good actor pretending to love her but everybody could see it was all fake, except her. Eventually, after I assume had had his greencard, he left her.

You need to divorce him, cancel his return ticket, and be done with him.

Edited December 3, 2015 by Eric-Pris