Irrational husband adjustment issues and removal of condition

[onye uwaoma 131]

oh and the African man's way to show his ultimate love is by how he provides for the family. So he is getting these jobs and quitting them in a fight to make a statement to you but you aren't understanding what he is doing cause I am guessing that you aren't African. I am assuming that when he is working that he is very generous to you. They show love by money and providing. They need LOTs of ego stroking. If they feel inadequate in bed ALL hell will break loose. Pride is their #1 downfall. Unless he is very westernized, you will never hear the words "I was wrong" He will just end the conversation and say something crazy like "lets go to bed" or "Thank you" or "I have heard you". I dont know what to say about the weed smoking, but the bahavior isn't strange at all. It is just a culture clash I think. Plus you have probably realized that although he speaks English, that he doesn't "speak English". you could be having language issues too and not know it. I have found that my guy just speaks words and there is no emotion at all in his words and i am an emotional speaker. i am accustomed to feeling what a person is saying. I can't do that with my guy. If i did that to him, he would appear a noncaring insensitive blank blank blank. But he is completely the opposite once i understood him and where he is coming from and he understands me and where i am coming from. Sometimes he says that we are the same person cause we are so much a like. I would say talk to a senegalise woman and learn how to deal with him and it may get better

It will make sense if what we read in the story states that he is trying to adjust but having a tough time doing that. we truly can't understand the whole story but from what is stated by the op here, he seemed to not have a geniune intent to be married. I wouldn't waste my precious time trying to persuade such a spouse to respect the marriage he intentionally entered into. it doesn't seem like such gesture is necessary anymore in this case. Edited May 23, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[Cathi 5,773]

oh and the African man's way to show his ultimate love is by how he provides for the family. So he is getting these jobs and quitting them in a fight to make a statement to you but you aren't understanding what he is doing cause I am guessing that you aren't African. I am assuming that when he is working that he is very generous to you. They show love by money and providing. They need LOTs of ego stroking. If they feel inadequate in bed ALL hell will break loose. Pride is their #1 downfall. Unless he is very westernized, you will never hear the words "I was wrong" He will just end the conversation and say something crazy like "lets go to bed" or "Thank you" or "I have heard you". I dont know what to say about the weed smoking, but the bahavior isn't strange at all. It is just a culture clash I think. Plus you have probably realized that although he speaks English, that he doesn't "speak English". you could be having language issues too and not know it. I have found that my guy just speaks words and there is no emotion at all in his words and i am an emotional speaker. i am accustomed to feeling what a person is saying. I can't do that with my guy. If i did that to him, he would appear a noncaring insensitive blank blank blank. But he is completely the opposite once i understood him and where he is coming from and he understands me and where i am coming from. Sometimes he says that we are the same person cause we are so much a like. I would say talk to a senegalise woman and learn how to deal with him and it may get better

she stated he uses all of his money for him

[onye uwaoma 131]

Buy him a one way ticket home and then file for divorce. You need to get off the crazy train.

If he truly wanted to go back home he wouldn't stop working and asking the wife to book him a flight home. she can buy the ticket if you wants but she cannot force him to fly with it. this is just a mind game from what i read in the story

[onye uwaoma 131]

OP, you are in an abusive marriage. Honor yourself by getting out- because you are worthy and you deserve so much better than this cruel man! A marriage is supposed to lift you up, not drag you down.

thinking down this way too

[onye uwaoma 131]

I am joining the 1- way- ticket- home- chorus here !

Why on earth would you settle for another LDR for 6 months out of the year after going through hell to get him here ?

So that he can mooch off you, load his pockets full of money and vacation in his country ? He will be unstable in both countries.

He sounds like a rebellious teenager not a mature man. What fairytale land does he want next ?

He sure knows how to push your buttons with threatening to quit his job, it's time you push his button. Permanently.

He's a pot head, what do you expect ?

I can take a wild guess that he doesn't want to fly back home. the one way ticket thing is just a mix in his alleged manipulations... don't waste your money on a ticket that will not likely be used unless you're sure to get a full refund when you realize he's not really serious. he could take the ticket and disappears and then use it against you as an abusive spouse who's trying to send him back to his country. be wise because he is buying time as well... don't act irrational yourself! Edited May 23, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[onye uwaoma 131]

Hi. When I first met my African Guy, I noticed similar things with him. Doesn't do drugs though. My guy used to be all "dramatic like a woman" He quit. But as with any person, you have to teach people how to treat you. I am very stubborn, when my guy would throw these fits, I wouldn't speak to him for days. African men are used to african women "kowtowing" to their tantrums and trying to fill their every whim. If you show him that to hell with him and and your life will not stop without him, he will stop. I know not to put my honey on my accounts or credit cards or house. Some African cultures love to bling out and are dead broke all to impress people they don't even know. Plus you definitly can't tell a man your past. Lie if you have to but you can tell them the truth, they will hold it against you for life. That is ANY man not just the African man. I think that if you learn how to ignore him and SHOW him that he will not have his way, he will stop.

there is no true reflection of cultural issues from what the op stated here other than the husband's nonchalant attitude towards the marriage. one can understand when it is a cultural problem and when it's something more, and you also have to understand that your story is unique and you cannot make any kinds of generalization based on your personal experience. Edited May 23, 2015 by onye uwaoma

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

I don't buy the stuff about African men that some posters have said in this thread. Yes every race/ nationality have their quirks but adults who act like children are in every race/culture. When a grown man is having temper tantrums like a toddler and quits his job something is seriously wrong. Also the whole pretending to leave thing but still hanging around outside, I stopped doing that when I was about 12.

OP you know what you need to do: send him on a one way ticket back to his wonderful country and get him out of your life. Wouldn't be at all surprised if he wanted a family there and to keep you in the US for when he runs out of cash. No woman needs a guy who is emotionally abusive, a drama queen and a drain on your hard earned cash.

[Steven&Jelena 12]

I'm sorry because of problem you have. From what you wrote here i got impression that your husband is very, very immature person who behave like a child. And he doesn't support you like a husband should do, and you mostly pay for all costs. Maybe he is using you or maybe he is just spoiled and wants to have everything on his way. But you said you love him, and this is hard decision for you... You should think if that man is worth of your love and if you can continue to live with him like that because people like him rarely change, so think about everything good before you make a final decision.

Edited May 23, 2015 by Steven&Jelena

[livindadream 156]

Writing through my wife's account..

We were just laying down when I saw this post she was reading. The part where you stated he finds all reasons to start a fight caught my attention. That is a classic sign of someone who is up to something and has an ulterior plan. I must say it's hard to understand what you're going through because only you know what you have invested till this very point but don't let that be a reason to hold on to heartbreak and continuous headache. First about the use of Pot, I would assume you were aware of this before now but still its a sign of irresponsibility on his end wanting to be a pot head. On the financial aspect of things, I must say there's a lot of RED flags, I wrote red in capital because in a normal African setting a man fights and strives to be the provider whichever way he can. If you have a man failing to do that its a sign he really doesn't care or see reason to work to support you. In a general view of things a man who looks for every reason to quit a job is giving you so much sign of how much you can't depend on him. Imagine within 10-15 years you're waiting for retirement you have to put your entire survival on him, you know the answer-- he wont stand up to the challenge. Also about him wanting to spend half the time in Senegal and Half back in the states with you, I would beg you not to buy into that because its a clear sign he definitely has a tie to something over there. An average African man has no ties apart from where his survival comes from, so if you're offering him an upgrade in life by him being in the states and he still wants to risk going back home (Which as a man his home should be where his wife @) he definitely has a tie back there you only don't know yet. Like I tell people always-- don't let the pain of losing something unreliable put you in a position where you have to regret an entire life. If I was to be a judge, which I don't think am fit to judge any human, he's a ticking time bomb which you have all the signs to avoid. Make a better decision. You may have to feel the loss for a few months but believe me after then you would appreciate all the sadness you would have put yourself in on the long run.

We all can advice you and give you more clarity but you have the decision to make, HE is using you.

[livindadream 156]

Writing through my wife's account again--- I also want to add, that Africa is 54 nations and thousands of tribes within those nations. And even within those thousands of tribes there are millions of individual characters and traits. To label ALL OF AFRICA to say that "AFRICANS need this, and do that" is so disrespectful. And I thank God my wife refers to me as "her husband" --- and not "her African." smh My blood is boiling reading one posters use of "they do this and they do that" . And ENGLISH IS ENGLISH. If it does not sound like English to you, then I don't know what to tell you.

Edited May 23, 2015 by AYOsGirl

[WombatWombat 9]

Thank you so much for all the feedback, it is greatly appreciated. I wanted to add a few things, especially as a response to Ayo's post -by the way, thanks for giving a husband's perspective.

I didn't realize he was a pothead when I met him. Of course we close our eyes to red flags when we are in love. I knew he had smoked pot before, but he convinced me that he no longer did. I honestly was blind to the signs - this would have been a dealbreaker for me. He kept it a secret from me here in the US as well, but after 6 months or so, he came clean. To me, this was a shock, because in my eyes, he risks his immigration status by doing something illegal, despite the movements in many States to decriminalize it. But in his eyes, he is "invincible".

As for him being an African man...What he does has nothing to do with his culture.

This is HIM, plain and simple. I realize that - I know enough people from West Africa who bend over backwards to support their family. I have seen well-educated men work as dishwashers and parking lot attendants because that's the only job they could find.

I should add, he is an artist, and one of his issues is, that he can't find paid gigs here. His feeling is that back home, he could work as an artist again. He never went to school, so that makes life here more difficult for him....and here I am, making excuses again.....

I think pot is the main motivator in his life. Money he makes goes to support his habit. Pot comes before everything - even before supporting his family back home. At first I thought: Maybe the pot will calm him down, so he doesn't have these temper tantrums, so I accept it as a necessary evil. But unfortunately, this theory proved wrong. Plus it makes him anti-social.

As for the poster that thinks he uses the plane ticket home as a leverage tool (and has no intention of actually getting on a plane): Yes, that also occured to me.

He is very immature, and when older african friends try to advise him, he rarely listens. He is smart and inventive (albeit without focus), but I suppose his temper always got him his way, so he had no reason to change that behavior (I remember a scene in Senegal, where 2 or 3 bystanders had to walk him away to calm him down, when he got in a fight with one of the merchants there....again, red flag I chose to ignore)

I really don't think that he has ties back home (ie a wife). Of course I can't know for sure - less naive people than me have been fooled in that regard. I think he just always wants the easy way out, and right now the easy way out seems to be home. Having his cake, and eating it too.

He does give me money when he gets a paycheck, though. And he contributes to groceries etc.

There can be several weeks where everything is wonderful, and he is a supporting, loving husband. And then suddenly those power games and temper tantrums start again.

By the way, I did buy a new mattress. But then the demand of burning the bed came.....that's where I stopped, because what's next? Selling the home because an ex entered the premise? Ridiculous! Before we got married, I told him that we both have a past, and what happened before shouldn't matter. Just what happens from now on. I don't talk about ex's unless he asks questions. He then just spins his own story out of what I said...

[Golden Gate 530]

He is a crazy-maker, and whether he is sometimes loving or not, living that kind of life will totally wear you out. Been there, done that. You can't depend on what you might believe is his potential, you can only depend on the reality you see before you.

[Not a Tailor 1,370]

So, based on what you've written most recently, two posts before this, your very best bet is to get out of this relationship.

Your husband is exactly like my ex, right down to 'he gives me some financial contributions when he DOES get a cheque' and the whole 'every penny he has goes to pot'.

I tried everything with my ex. I even literally walked him to the doctor and sat in the room while he asked for help. He was incapable of following through on getting the help and as the sole breadwinner most of the time, I literally could not afford to go to every doctor's appointment. I would make them for him, but then he wouldn't bother to go.

There were ultimatums, crying, yelling. He'd lie to me about our pooled finances, which would have gone to drugs. Everything was about him. His mother got him a line of credit and he blew through 10k in three months.

When it came down to it, whether it was selfishness or addiction, my ex was unable to change. Perhaps the selfishness made it so that he didn't want to overcome the addiction or the addiction made it impossible to see that he was being selfish. I honestly don't know. But the end result is, as long as his behaviour was as you have described your husband's, my ex couldn't change.

But I could. I could stop enabling the behaviour. I could stop saying yes. And finally, I could say no. I could say no more. So I did. I told him we were done. I'd live out the remainder of our lease with him and we could enjoy that time, but I was leaving. I was hoping that this would be enough of a shock to his system that he would say okay, I understand, and he would change at least a little in those two months. Within a week his behaviour was so much worse that I waited until he went out to get snacks and I loaded myself and my pets into a cab and went and lived out the remainder of that lease on a friend's couch.

My ex was unable, without my assistance, to do anything successfully. He has no job, no money and his parents pay his rent. He now has a gofundme to crowdfund his pot.

A person with an addiction to a behaviour or substance has to have the desire to change before it can happen. If they don't have that desire to change (and I'm not talking lipservice, I mean a true and honest desire to do the work it takes to change) then they will never, never change.

Unless you are willing to live with exactly the behaviours you see now, unless this is a tenable long-term life for you, you need to hold your head up and walk out. It's hard, I know, but you have to do what is right for YOU and it doesn't sound like this is it. If he'll get on a plane, let him go back home on a one way ticket. If he won't, well, divorce him and let him make his own way in the US.

[Essiej 42]

Reading ur posts, it occurd to me that ur not the naïeve girl that we usually get here with these kind of posts.

U know exactly that this is not right, that this is not what u deserve. My question is, why are u waiting? What are u hoping for?

U know he is not going to change. Is it because of all the stuff u had go trough to even live together?

[InHisTime 110]

Sorry that you have to go through this. I admire your patience and all extra miles that you have done. He should show appreciation and respect for you.

You need to be strong enough to make the right decision for you. Life is so short to spend it with someone who always fight and keeps complaining, then doing nothing to help out.

He still lives in the past and has a very negative outlook in life. I believe that he truly needs God, spiritual awareness ! Only God can change your husband. He should humble himself to God if he wants to change or else he will never change for the better.

It's really not worth at all your sacrifices. If you send him home with one way ticket I would really understand and I believe that is the best decision, after all he doesn't really know what he wants, he needs to grow more and learn his lessons well. I hope your situation would improve sooner. All the best !