Irrational husband adjustment issues and removal of condition

[Mountain Climber 186]

Buy him a one way ticket home and then file for divorce. You need to get off the crazy train.

[NikLR 13,230]

Sweetheart, this is in no way, shape, or form, a healthy relationship. If a friend told you this story, what would you say to them?

[pddp 240]

OP, you are in an abusive marriage. Honor yourself by getting out- because you are worthy and you deserve so much better than this cruel man! A marriage is supposed to lift you up, not drag you down.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I am joining the 1- way- ticket- home- chorus here !

Why on earth would you settle for another LDR for 6 months out of the year after going through hell to get him here ?

So that he can mooch off you, load his pockets full of money and vacation in his country ? He will be unstable in both countries.

He sounds like a rebellious teenager not a mature man. What fairytale land does he want next ?

He sure knows how to push your buttons with threatening to quit his job, it's time you push his button. Permanently.

He's a pot head, what do you expect ?

[NikLR 13,230]

Hey, not everyone who smokes pot is a bad person. If anything his even keels are probably because of the pot and the rest of it is who he actually is.

[tomyka81 95]

Hi. When I first met my African Guy, I noticed similar things with him. Doesn't do drugs though. My guy used to be all "dramatic like a woman" He quit. But as with any person, you have to teach people how to treat you. I am very stubborn, when my guy would throw these fits, I wouldn't speak to him for days. African men are used to african women "kowtowing" to their tantrums and trying to fill their every whim. If you show him that to hell with him and and your life will not stop without him, he will stop. I know not to put my honey on my accounts or credit cards or house. Some African cultures love to bling out and are dead broke all to impress people they don't even know. Plus you definitly can't tell a man your past. Lie if you have to but you can tell them the truth, they will hold it against you for life. That is ANY man not just the African man. I think that if you learn how to ignore him and SHOW him that he will not have his way, he will stop.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Hey, not everyone who smokes pot is a bad person. If anything his even keels are probably because of the pot and the rest of it is who he actually is.

LOL, maybe. The debate on long term pot use has two sides. I am on the other.

[tomyka81 95]

oh and the African man's way to show his ultimate love is by how he provides for the family. So he is getting these jobs and quitting them in a fight to make a statement to you but you aren't understanding what he is doing cause I am guessing that you aren't African. I am assuming that when he is working that he is very generous to you. They show love by money and providing. They need LOTs of ego stroking. If they feel inadequate in bed ALL hell will break loose. Pride is their #1 downfall. Unless he is very westernized, you will never hear the words "I was wrong" He will just end the conversation and say something crazy like "lets go to bed" or "Thank you" or "I have heard you". I dont know what to say about the weed smoking, but the bahavior isn't strange at all. It is just a culture clash I think. Plus you have probably realized that although he speaks English, that he doesn't "speak English". you could be having language issues too and not know it. I have found that my guy just speaks words and there is no emotion at all in his words and i am an emotional speaker. i am accustomed to feeling what a person is saying. I can't do that with my guy. If i did that to him, he would appear a noncaring insensitive blank blank blank. But he is completely the opposite once i understood him and where he is coming from and he understands me and where i am coming from. Sometimes he says that we are the same person cause we are so much a like. I would say talk to a senegalise woman and learn how to deal with him and it may get better

Edited May 23, 2015 by tomyka81

[pddp 240]

Tomyka81- I'm frankly astonished at what you willingly put up with... It saddens me to see women bending themselves into a pretzel to please a man who does zero to please them back. I wouldn't dream of putting in a full days work every day editing myself, gauging his moods, lying to make him "comfortable", catering to his ego day and night. Oh, and please don't generalize about men the way you do! There are truly awesome guys out there who live authentic, caring adult lives with their spouses free of emotional abuse, ego posturing and power games. Let's make that the standard!

[Dualie 185]

Oh, Wombat

I think you know the answer. This is codependency -- big time. You gotta break the cycle one way or the other.

With 10 - 15 years to retirement you are still a young chick, and can do better -- much better.

This

[tomyka81 95]

Tomyka81- I'm frankly astonished at what you willingly put up with... It saddens me to see women bending themselves into a pretzel to please a man who does zero to please them back. I wouldn't dream of putting in a full days work every day editing myself, gauging his moods, lying to make him "comfortable", catering to his ego day and night. Oh, and please don't generalize about men the way you do! There are truly awesome guys out there who live authentic, caring adult lives with their spouses free of emotional abuse, ego posturing and power games. Let's make that the standard!

read both posts. I have been divorced twice. I have learned many things. give and take. I can't always have my way, he can't always have his. He will work my nerves, I will work his. in life a person is not guaranteed happiness . one has to make him herself happy. domination from either side of maintaining a false happiness free of any real emotional contact or a relationship based on work that can go thru fire.

[momov31 2]

Please pray and find a good church home for you and your husband. First remember no marriage is perfect and it takes work and years of hanging on to enjoy the later years. I will not tell anyone to end their marriage that is a choice you have to make on your own. I suggest getting his own bank account while you guys have an account just for household bills. I also suggest if you were honest about your past then accept that is makes him uncomfortable and take him to choose a mattress for your bed. I say this because he may tie your past to the bed and cant get past the thought of someone else sharing your bed. My ex husband an American guy was like that, only difference is he bought the new bed. I think you guys need to find a better way of communicating with each other instead of going for the pressure points. Pray together before going to bed and rising in the mornings. Either way do your part as a wife and you will be rewarded. I don't claim to know if all you say is true because there is always three sides to any story and since I am not there I pray it works out for the both of you. God bless you both.

[onye uwaoma 131]

Hi All,

I am the USC, and brought my husband on a K1 visa.

He's been here about 2 years and it's almost time to remove conditions.

Here is my issue (long post, I'm sorry)

From the beginning, he declared he doesn't like it here. He desperately wanted to come, imagining the US as the land of milk and honey, and an easy way to make money. He had severe adjustment issues, and in addition to feeling homesick and lonely and frustrated, he kept finding everything wrong with the US and it's people, constantly stating that his country and his countrymen are so much better.

It got so bad that he went home for 5 months, but then declared that he missed me and really wanted to return.

My perception is, that he decided that everything is bad here,and he barely tries to find friends, be nice to my friends or go out of his way to adjust.

I have tried to be understanding, and support him as much as I can - and turned into an enabler who tries to fulfill every whim he has.

As a result, we are now flat broke, and I am deeply in debt (all in my name).

He has used our credit cards to buy things without my knowledge.

He gets mad at the drop of a hat, and we have had many drag-out fights, during which he has done things like jump out of the car, declaring he was going to live in the streets now, demanding I buy him a ticket home, threatening to rip up the marriage certificate and so on.

During fights, he keeps telling me that I brought him here, so it's my responsibility to get him home again.

His anger gets out of control, and he will be very confrontational not just to me, but also to other people, if there is a perceived slight.

Rules do not apply to him, and while he is always sorry after one of those fights, he does not take any responsibility or admit that it might be something in his behavior, that is the problem.

He constantly states he is here to make money, so he can eventually return to his country and build a house there. When he does find a job, it never lasts more than 5 or 6 weeks (landscaping, dishwasher, cleaning). Sometimes it is not his fault, but he has quit jobs in a fit of anger (at me), or will threaten to quit because he wants to elicit a reaction.

I also have to add that he is a heavy pot smoker, so a lot of money goes towards that. I hate it, and I wonder if some of our issues do stem from his use, though he denies that it has any effect. I have asked him to quit many times, but it is a losing battle.

When things are good, he is very loving and we have a great relationship, playful, affectionate and fun. Then I feel he is the right man, the only man I ever want.

But he can drop on a dime, and will needle me with things that push my buttons until I get angry.

His main issue right now is my past and previous boyfriends. He implied that he considers me a #######, because I had many short-term relationships before him.

He demanded I get rid of our mattress (because previous boyfriends had slept over) and even that I burn the bed.

Now mind you, he had extensive relations before me as well....

I think this is mainly a way to assert himself and manipulate me into feeling guilty (which I don't. My past is my past, and I make no excuses. It's none of his business).

But I'm tired of him trying to belittle me and trying to make me feel bad about it.

I have asked him many times to not talk about my previous relationships or throw them in my face. He promises, but then he starts again the next day.

I usually try to remove myself from the argument (even leaving the house for an hour or so), but lately, he will follow me closely from room to room, taunting me.

Recently he woke up in the morning angry (we had a wonderful evening the night before), started talking about "why did you marry me. You should have married "so-and-so", talked himself into a frenzy (which I stayed calm, because the whole thing was so absurd).

He told me he was quitting his job (my red flag, because we need him to work and at least pay for his car - I pay all the other bills).

Then he called his boss, told him he was not coming to work and dragged a packed suitcase to the car and left.

I did see him sitting in the car for a while, so I think he was waiting for me to stop him, beg him not to go...whatever.

When I didn't, he left, but of course he was back in the evening, and not before he didn't send me a bunch of texts how much he loves me and kisses, and am I ok?

So I tried to talk to him that evening calmly, how that was not ok.

And again, this resulted in him arguing with me, until 2am, culminating in him trying to quit his job for good, rummaging through our paperwork to find the marriage certificate to rip it up, telling me he will never get over my past, and that he wants to divorce.

I told him he could leave, do whatever he wants, but that I loved him and didn't want a divorce. Then, suddenly out of the blue, he declared the argument was finished and went to bed.

Bizarre, right?

Now of course I am thinking that this behavior will probably only get worse and worse. When things are good, I feel like I never want to be without him, that he is the greatest yada yada yada.

But I can't close my eyes that he really doesn't contribute in any way to our life, and only thinks about what he wants...not about our future, or how it affects me.

His idea is to live back home for half of the year, and then come back for the other half to be with me. He has tried to talk me into moving elsewhere (anywhere but here), but I have a good job, good benefits and am about 10-15 years from retirement, so I can't just pack up and leave....somebody has to think about our financial situation.

I am willing to move once I retire, but in today's job market, I have to be realistic - especially since he can't be relied upon to be steady or a provider.

So lately I have been thinking, if somebody brings up divorce and leaving during every fight, and tells me he can't get over my past, maybe I should actually listen to what he is saying. Maybe this is truly what is in his heart?

Of course when I try to talk to him rationally about it, he tells me he will never leave me, I am his life, he is only here for me, etc.

I offered him to go back home for a year and visit. I offered him to spend half a year there, half a year here. (he wants to do that, but he needs money...)

He doesn't know what he wants - except to say that he can't return home without money.

Should I just buy him a plane ticket home instead of removing conditions?

What happens, if we don't remove condition and he overstays?

I don't want to waste another $600.00 for removing condition, if he just wants to go home anyway.

I would be willing to visit him and do the long-distance thing again, until I retire. Or file for him again in a few years, when he (hopefully) matures a bit more, and I'll be financially more stable again.

I have a really hard time letting go, but I feel that his basic message is loud and clear - he doesn't want to be here, and will make no effort to better his situation.

Could he visit as a tourist if we don't remove conditions (ie conditional green card expired) and stay married? (he technically has no ties to his country - no job, no home, no kids. He basically came with about half a suitcase full of clothes, he had no other possessions)

Feedback/advise would be appreciated.

It sucks big time when one party to a marriage is the only one willing and eager to work a marriage-never work out good this way... often leads to mind games and manipulations from the party not willing to help the marriage work out fine. Taking advantage and exploitations are all the consequencies that follow, just as you wrote them down in this piece. what are you to do? seek a marriage counseling for yourself with the aim to rid yourself of these dramas. but, i know this is strictly a personal decision.

[Unshakable Faith 493]

Hi. When I first met my African Guy, I noticed similar things with him. Doesn't do drugs though. My guy used to be all "dramatic like a woman" He quit. But as with any person, you have to teach people how to treat you. I am very stubborn, when my guy would throw these fits, I wouldn't speak to him for days. African men are used to african women "kowtowing" to their tantrums and trying to fill their every whim. If you show him that to hell with him and and your life will not stop without him, he will stop. I know not to put my honey on my accounts or credit cards or house. Some African cultures love to bling out and are dead broke all to impress people they don't even know. Plus you definitly can't tell a man your past. Lie if you have to but you can tell them the truth, they will hold it against you for life. That is ANY man not just the African man. I think that if you learn how to ignore him and SHOW him that he will not have his way, he will stop.

I have to say, this makes me SO sad to read. My fiance is from Nigeria and is one of the most financially responsible, understanding and accepting man of all of the TRUTH of my past- no lies and no withholding. I'm sorry that you have made up your mind that those types of men don't exist, but it's called maturity- and it IS out there! I hope your man matures up to where you can trust him with the truth about you and he becomes responsible with finances enough to trust him! That's what marriage is all about!

And yes, African men love to provide for their families and EVERY man likes to feel good and adequate around their women, but there's no reason "all hell should break lose" when you don't stroke their ego.

On the other hand, my fiance always says "I've heard you", bahaha! It makes me laugh! That's okay though, because sometimes I get him back in his own language, lol "Mo ti gbo!"

Edited May 23, 2015 by FN&KO

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I have to agree with Pddp, you can't place African men into an exotic category that comes with special instructions as in 'handle with extra care'.

Sure, there are cultural influences, I have been immersed in African culture for over a decade and have known my hubby for almost 6 years.

My husband does not throw fits, is not dramatic, doesn't need lots of ego stroking, isn't full of pride or wants to show off bling bling as

in "I have arrived and I am the big man now." Anyone who is with someone who does so should proceed with caution.

He does love to provide and is generous. He can show deep emotion and is often the first one to apologize.

Tomyka81, since you went there I have this to add : how can you want someone whose spending habits you don't trust ?

You have to prove a bona fide relationship by financial co mingling, accounts, credit cards, lease or mortgage sooner or later.

If I have to treat a grown man like a kid because he can't spend responsibly, then no thank you. It's not because he is African but irresponsible.

I guess what bothered me is that you said you rather lie than tell him the truth about your past. But why not be confidently honest and if he will

not accept your past and honesty then adios amigo, why coddle him with a lie ? What if he lied to you ?
I rather be hurt with the truth than be flattered with a lie and be authentic in who I am.

Not being honest about details about your past (such as past ex's ) can also bite you in the butt in the interview.
OP's problems also run much deeper than a mere culture clash, her husband is way off his rocker.

You contradicted yourself about African women and said : "African men are used to African women "kowtowing" to their tantrums and trying to fill their every whim." Then you advice her to talk to a Senegalese woman. Chances are she would just advice continued bowing down to him.

You can't generalize and stereotype African men or any men for that matter, every single one has their own character and personality, morals and

values and maturity level. No one likes to be stereotyped with preconceived cultural assumptions.