For white men married to African women

[Kiv 32]

I am Latin, my husband (Irish-American) likes when I have long hair, and when I use highlights, I like that look too but I am not the kind of person who will take care of long hair or that wants to expend enough time in the mornings to style it. I keep it quite long just for him, (if it was for me I would have it as short as his). I don't think he wants me to have highlights because he wants to make me a white woman, he just saw that once and he liked that, now he wants to have it more often.

On the other hand I think my husband looks so handsome with no beard or mustache, he tried it once for me but he definitely does not feel good without a mustache at all and he has been using a beard for the last 6 months or so.

He feels comfortable with his beard same way I feel comfortable with my short hair.

You can ask, if your spouse loves you he or she will not force you to do something that will make you feel uncomfortable.

But if you can do something that pleases your husband/wife it has its rewards too.

[mmarlo 1]

I remember watching a blonde, three-year-old girl rubbing her cheek against the black, natural hair of her friend as both smiled and hugged each other. Children know. I don't understand what happens to some adults. As so many others have said, you are beautiful exactly as God made you, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect, especially by the one who has promised to be by your side as you both go through whatever life brings you.

That reminds me of how all the kids wanted to touch my skin and hair when I was in Kenya. Most had probably never seen a white person before, let alone one with red hair. But what really surprised them was when I could speak (some words in) their language. The look of complete confusion and excitement on a child's face is priceless. Then again, the adults were pretty surprised and happy, too, so adults don't have to lose all childlike qualities!

[mmarlo 1]

I am Latin, my husband (Irish-American) likes when I have long hair, and when I use highlights, I like that look too but I am not the kind of person who will take care of long hair or that wants to expend enough time in the mornings to style it. I keep it quite long just for him, (if it was for me I would have it as short as his). I don't think he wants me to have highlights because he wants to make me a white woman, he just saw that once and he liked that, now he wants to have it more often.

On the other hand I think my husband looks so handsome with no beard or mustache, he tried it once for me but he definitely does not feel good without a mustache at all and he has been using a beard for the last 6 months or so.

He feels comfortable with his beard same way I feel comfortable with my short hair.

You can ask, if your spouse loves you he or she will not force you to do something that will make you feel uncomfortable.

But if you can do something that pleases your husband/wife it has its rewards too.

Well, I guess it can go both ways. Now that I think about it, I lost some priviledges when I started growing a beard because it scratched her too much. So, as soon as I realized my stubble was getting in the way of my love life, I shaved immediately. But then I kindly requested that if I have to be completely bald, so does she!

Edited March 17, 2007 by mmarlo

[Pam&Mbaye 0]

Here's a thought. Go to the nearest beauty supply store and purchase an Afro-wig and next time he tells you to put on a wig, whip out the Afro-wig and tell him to join in on the fun.

To be honest and I am being brutally honest, your man sounds like he has serious issues. Your hair is part of the beauty that make up you. Why anyone would want you to take on a false identity is beyond me. Be proud of the African queen that you are. The last thing you need is for someone to try and make you into something you are not. There's enough pressure in American society to subscribe to a white, boney, big #######, blonde idea of beauty, to have this added to the list of incredibly stupid requirements is another impossible feat to force on a diverse population of women throughout the world who would never live up to this crazy standard and would not want to!

Wear your hair as it is, be proud of it and don't give it a second thought. As for his wanting a woman with long silky caucasian hair that's his problem not yours

[LovinLiberia 0]

I think this is totally ridiculous. Like someone previously stated this issue goes much farther than the hair. If he wanted a woman with a particular type of hair..then that is what he should have married. Obviously you are African is he trying to "erase that fact". I think this guy is a little twisted on his way of thinking. He met you that way, he should not try to change it now. I just hope he does not move from the hair to something else that he wants to complain about. Being abused mentally is just as bad as someone abusing you physically. This is something that should not be overlooked or taken lightly! You should not have to alter yourself for anyone.........

You are from Ghana, you should be proud of that. If someone does not know where it is explain to them; it is in West Africa and perhaps near Nigeria. But you should in no way state that you are Nigerian if you are not. I really hope that you get your self-esteem up and don't let anyone take away from who you are. When you change your hair or tell people you are from some where that you are not...you are losing yourself. You cannot change what you look like or where you were born. You should not have to change anything about yourself for someone to like you....this man really really has issues.

Please do not let the ignorance of others make you feel less than a person or feel the need to represent something else. Everything about you is beautiful because that is way God created you. All I can say is best of luck and stay alert....but these kind of issues can led to bigger problems. I been around VJ a long time and individuals often meet there spouses from different places to try to mold them into there "dream man/woman". When there expectations are not met, then problems start arising. Stay confident in yourself and be who you are....because at the end of the day all you have is you and your family. Look out for Number 1 and damn Number 2.

I totally agree with everything you said. I'm a proud happy Napptural girl, also. No man will ever be able to tell me that my natural hair isn't beautiful. I love its thickness, its blackness, its softness, its versatility, the way it coils. It defines who I am and I am 100% proud of it. I don't know the whole story, but I think your husband has some control issues. I really don't think it's just your hair or else these issues would have arised when he considered marrying you.

But then I kindly requested that if I have to be completely bald, so does she!

Lol, that wasn't slick. I caught that!

[Everett+Bosede 0]

I recently asked African women on a previous post about an issue that I have with my white husband. I am a Nigerian women with thick (course?) hair. It is normal hair for most Nigerian women. My husband, however, seems to be fixated on long, silky hair like many Ethiopian and Somali women (and even Hispanic) have in our city (Minneapolis). He makes me put on a wig to cover up my natural hair. Nothing else will suffice: no relaxer, no twists, no natural look. Just the wig. I, as I said on the other topic post, am furious.

I would like an honest answer from white men married to African women: Is our hair an issue to you or is my husband being absolutely unreasonable. Please be honest, because I don't want to keeping perceiving him as being ashamed of me if it is something that many white men may have an issue about.

I am hurt and confused and looking for perspectives from women and men.

Thank you.

[Everett+Bosede 0]

I recently asked African women on a previous post about an issue that I have with my white husband. I am a Nigerian women with thick (course?) hair. It is normal hair for most Nigerian women. My husband, however, seems to be fixated on long, silky hair like many Ethiopian and Somali women (and even Hispanic) have in our city (Minneapolis). He makes me put on a wig to cover up my natural hair. Nothing else will suffice: no relaxer, no twists, no natural look. Just the wig. I, as I said on the other topic post, am furious.

I would like an honest answer from white men married to African women: Is our hair an issue to you or is my husband being absolutely unreasonable. Please be honest, because I don't want to keeping perceiving him as being ashamed of me if it is something that many white men may have an issue about.

I am hurt and confused and looking for perspectives from women and men.

Thank you.

[chispas 0]

On a previous post you had claimed you were a Ghanaian, and now you are claiming that you are a Nigerian.

Anyhow, your husband married you with your thick course hair. Apperently, thats what he likes and that is what he should stick with without any complaints. If he wanted an Ethiopian then he should of gotten one before he married you. My whole point is that he chose to marry you and he knew what the package was. At the day of your wedding, he married you with your course hair and he was not complaining then. Why now?

Sorry about that. I am from Ghana. Whew, I have been here too long and my conversation for geographically challenged Minnesota people brought itself into the post :-). Everytime I tell people I am from Ghana in America, the first thing they say is "where is that?" So I started saying Nigeria, which is where I last lived before arriving in U.S., a more familiar country to keep the conversation moving. Most people think I am Spanish (because of the wig).

Do they not teach geography in America? I could tell you a million stories from other Africans here who go through the same thing: "Where's Ethiopia?, where's Somalia?, Where's Eritrea?" If you don't say Nigeria or Kenya, they are lost. I'm still trying to get some people hear to believe that Egypt is in Africa. They usually say "Egypt is in Saudi Arabia."

Thanks for your feedback

Wow, I am an American and I can answer a few of your questions about Americans being taught geography. And not all people in America nor Africa are ignorant. Let me as an American woman give you a piece of advice. Wear the wig until you get that green card of yours. Do you know why I come to this post everyday? Because I respect my African brothers and sisters and I am about to marry a Nigeria as soon as I can get him here. I come here to learn some things and to see what issues are being faced. I kind of feel like Rodney King here and just want to say can we all just get along. As far as what we are taught in school we rarely are taught anything about Africa and the African people except that most of them have HIV.( Before anyone says anything I have been to Nigeria twice and I know better) I am just telling you how most Americans view Africa even the African Americans who are actually of the African heritage. You are going to be faced with so many issue now that you are here. You are going to see white women looking at you funny for being with one of their own and the black woman will look at you like you think you are better than they are. Not all but some. You are going to face many things girl in this world. Come on get a grip on this wig thing and if you don't want to wear it don't. Go get you some mico-braids you will love it.

I like reading your posts. You know how to keep it real! Thanks

[chispas 0]

Just to add to the discussion on "hair". If we all dig deep into our "roots" we'll find that many African American men and women do have a problem with seeing the nappy hair. This goes back further than I know and much has been and is written about how we perceive ourselves and our own hair. Do you remember the Spike Lee scene in School Daze? The one with "good" and "bad" hair?

So even if the husband seems insensitive about his wife's hair, this has been an ongoing issue on many fronts. To add further, when I was in Africa and getting my hair braided, I was asked how come my hair was so "hard" when I have lighter skin? I was shocked because I felt in Africa nobody would pay attention to the unruly tresses I had. But noooooooooo sombody had to point it out to me again. Somebody had to point out that I had "bad" hair compared to many Africans and that I should do something to make it softer. (The comb the woman was using broke in my hair)

That was one long walk down the street (with slippers on) leaving the salon with a friggin comb sticking out of the side of my bushy hair so that I could finish getting it braided behind closed doors.

Chispas

[Quinn 2]

I recently asked African women on a previous post about an issue that I have with my white husband. I am a Nigerian women with thick (course?) hair. It is normal hair for most Nigerian women. My husband, however, seems to be fixated on long, silky hair like many Ethiopian and Somali women (and even Hispanic) have in our city (Minneapolis). He makes me put on a wig to cover up my natural hair. Nothing else will suffice: no relaxer, no twists, no natural look. Just the wig. I, as I said on the other topic post, am furious.

I would like an honest answer from white men married to African women: Is our hair an issue to you or is my husband being absolutely unreasonable. Please be honest, because I don't want to keeping perceiving him as being ashamed of me if it is something that many white men may have an issue about.

I am hurt and confused and looking for perspectives from women and men.

Thank you.

Forget the WIG! Wear your hair however you like. No man has the right to demand that you should change your appearance to suit his needs. If he wants to change something about the natural, beautiful you, then he's got the problem, not you. You know that saying that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. If you let him dictate how you wear your hair, what will he ask you to change next?

Edited May 31, 2007 by Quinn

[IndianVisa 0]

First, I would like to say, there beauty in every race. From my experience, I hope I provide the answer that will help you to better understand what is going on.

I have had some white men tell me that they like long hair, and I have had some white men tell me they like short hair on women, and some just don't care as long as you look presentable.. There are some black men who like light completion women and there are some black me who like darker completion women and some just don't care, as long as you look nice and presentable.

I am a black american woman. I have been married to a white man before, am divorced from him now. Now, I am married to a Nigerian.

Now, I did not read all of your post on the one that I am replying too. Now, listen if he knows that it makes you upset that he wants you to wear wigs---he is playing mind games. And it is kind of hard for me to express my words clearly while I type because if I was talking to you face to face are over the phone, I could use a little more explanation as to what I am saying.

I would personally wear the wigs myself if that what he wants only because I like them. However, I don't like the fact that he wants you to wear them because he has some issues with your hair.

Now, listen very carefully to what I am about to say, okay. Just because he wants you to wear wigs, does not mean that he loves you less, okay. He only wants you to look a certain way. Do you understand what I am trying to say.

I don't know to much about African Society in regards to what looks better on a woman. I personally think, that he thinks a wig makes you look better. And if he know that wearing a wig bothers you, he is going to ask you to not to wear it all or he is going to request that you wear it all of the time.

Personally, I think the black race in a whole is one of the most beautifuliest races in the world. We have nice curves, back sides and waiste and some of the most beautifuliest skin completions,,from maghogany to coffee to carmel. We don't have to sit out in the sun to get a tan. We don't have to get breast implants, or lip injections. We all may not have that flowing beautiful hair. But we are beautiful honey. We are loved by all races of men in general. Some other races will only date black women. Please...If he can't appreciate natural beauty. Maybe he needs to get a one of those plastic women...or maybe he just being right down selfish,,,thinking about what he wants you to be.

[Sonshyne 2]

I'm a proud happy Napptural girl, also. No man will ever be able to tell me that my natural hair isn't beautiful. I love its thickness, its blackness, its softness, its versatility, the way it coils. It defines who I am and I am 100% proud of it.

I love my naturally nappy hair!! I have gone from pressing and perming my hair so that it can be straight to wearing it in it's natural state. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love it and will never straighten it again. The hair we have was meant for us. It adds to the unique people that we are.

I am sorry that you are going thru this.. If you are not comfortable wearing the wig then he should not expect you to do so just to please himself.

I hope the two of you can come to some type of compromise... Stay strong

[Radical Lover 0]

Hello my sista!

First and foremost, I am speaking to you as a woman. I am appalled that your husband would require you to wear a wig. It not only goes back to the eurocentric ideal of beauty, but many things come into question regarding your husband and his perception of how he wants you to look. Black is BEAUTIFUL, and black hair is BEAUTIFUL! he married you for who you were (well at least he should have). Someone else mentioned that this goes deeper than hair, and I agree. This is deeper than your husband asking you to wear a straight wig. To me, it also brings up the notion that straight hair is more appealing than course hair. This is is an issue that needs to be addressed immediately, especially if you are considering bringing kids into this world. How will he expect your little girl(s) to look of they have course hair? Please know that I am speaking as a woman who wears dreadlocs, and it was a very conscious decision to do so. More of us need to embrace our natural beauty, because secretly, many of us believe that there is something wrong with being too "black" or too "african."

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL

and for you women who had the AUDACITY to tell this sista to get some microbraids or wait til she gets her green card to change things....I AM APPALLED! that is the problem...we don't love ourselves....

embrace blackness, because we are a great people!!!! those in the diaspora and those on the continent!

[Sonshyne 2]

Hello my sista!

First and foremost, I am speaking to you as a woman. I am appalled that your husband would require you to wear a wig. It not only goes back to the eurocentric ideal of beauty, but many things come into question regarding your husband and his perception of how he wants you to look. Black is BEAUTIFUL, and black hair is BEAUTIFUL! he married you for who you were (well at least he should have). Someone else mentioned that this goes deeper than hair, and I agree. This is deeper than your husband asking you to wear a straight wig. To me, it also brings up the notion that straight hair is more appealing than course hair. This is is an issue that needs to be addressed immediately, especially if you are considering bringing kids into this world. How will he expect your little girl(s) to look of they have course hair? Please know that I am speaking as a woman who wears dreadlocs, and it was a very conscious decision to do so. More of us need to embrace our natural beauty, because secretly, many of us believe that there is something wrong with being too "black" or too "african."

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL

and for you women who had the AUDACITY to tell this sista to get some microbraids or wait til she gets her green card to change things....I AM APPALLED! that is the problem...we don't love ourselves....

embrace blackness, because we are a great people!!!! those in the diaspora and those on the continent!

Very well said

[Kelechi 0]

Hello my sista!

First and foremost, I am speaking to you as a woman. I am appalled that your husband would require you to wear a wig. It not only goes back to the eurocentric ideal of beauty, but many things come into question regarding your husband and his perception of how he wants you to look. Black is BEAUTIFUL, and black hair is BEAUTIFUL! he married you for who you were (well at least he should have). Someone else mentioned that this goes deeper than hair, and I agree. This is deeper than your husband asking you to wear a straight wig. To me, it also brings up the notion that straight hair is more appealing than course hair. This is is an issue that needs to be addressed immediately, especially if you are considering bringing kids into this world. How will he expect your little girl(s) to look of they have course hair? Please know that I am speaking as a woman who wears dreadlocs, and it was a very conscious decision to do so. More of us need to embrace our natural beauty, because secretly, many of us believe that there is something wrong with being too "black" or too "african."

BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL

and for you women who had the AUDACITY to tell this sista to get some microbraids or wait til she gets her green card to change things....I AM APPALLED! that is the problem...we don't love ourselves....

embrace blackness, because we are a great people!!!! those in the diaspora and those on the continent!

This forum is about opinions and each and everyone here has one and are allowed to give one. Please don't be appalled. Just understand that this sista as you say is in a country where she is going to have to survive. And really until she does get this green card she is at the mercy of her husband. And as bad as this may sound it is very true. I don't want to tell this woman something as she may go and do it and end up in a situation that none of us can help her out of. Yes mam black is beautiful and as a matter of fact I am natural also but getting upset about it and flying off the handle is not the right answer. If she can not talk to him about it peacefully and get a understanding about how she feels then maybe he is not the right man for her. My suggestion was to get her some time to get her papers so she can stay here in this country. It was not at all to be funny or belittle her or our culture or ethnicity. It is not about loving ourselves because I love me. It is about survival. Once she gets the papers that she needs she will be able to do as she pleases without him having something over her head. I will be the first to say to you that if I offended you please forgive me but getting upset and mad and arguing about something does not help. So once again girl get your green card and you will have what you need to do as you please. Peace be to you my brothers and sisters.