Cold Feet and Second Thoughts

[mlh 93]

thank you everyone for the kind words of advice and all of the meaningful experiences that you have decided to share with me and others. this has been a rough stage in my life and I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent crying about this trying to figure out what I should do and how I should go about doing it. Today, I decided to speak with him about how I was feeling and my cold feet issues. It was not a healthy conversation. before I get into what was talked about in the outcome, I want to make sure that I am following the rules of this forum because I do not want to be kicked off the site again as I was last week. I guess the best thing for me to do is to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I told my fiance that I was having second thoughts about being with him and going further with this entire visa process. I feel so horrible for doing this to him and his family. he is absolutely right that I am a selfish person and that I only think about my own life and how things affect me and not him. I have been told my entire life that I am selfish so it must be true.

I'm not sure how the entire conversation went, but if he is trying to say that you're selfish simply because you have cold feet, that should tell you everything you need to know right there. If he really loved you and wanted things to work out, he would be willing to do whatever it takes to show you how he feels about you and that he wants to be with you forever. The fact that it turned into the blame game is enough to confirm what everyone has said on here...turn around and RUN as fast as you can from this guy!!!

I know it's hard right now, but you will get over this and move on and find the right guy that will be willing to jump over any hurdles to prove his love to you.

[Ketsuban 1,034]

thank you everyone for the kind words of advice and all of the meaningful experiences that you have decided to share with me and others. this has been a rough stage in my life and I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent crying about this trying to figure out what I should do and how I should go about doing it. Today, I decided to speak with him about how I was feeling and my cold feet issues. It was not a healthy conversation. before I get into what was talked about in the outcome, I want to make sure that I am following the rules of this forum because I do not want to be kicked off the site again as I was last week. I guess the best thing for me to do is to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I told my fiance that I was having second thoughts about being with him and going further with this entire visa process. I feel so horrible for doing this to him and his family. he is absolutely right that I am a selfish person and that I only think about my own life and how things affect me and not him. I have been told my entire life that I am selfish so it must be true.

Hun, those words he told you are him panicking because his ticket to a Green Card is withdrawing.

You don't need to give him a reason to just cut it off. You don't need to justify anything to him. Just sever all ties. If he is talking to you like that then it is in fact he who is the selfish one who does not consider your feelings at all.

He can obviously see how insecure you are in yourself and is milking it for all it's worth.

Do you want the remainder of your life to be this tormenting?

[Lemonslice 4,841]

thank you everyone for the kind words of advice and all of the meaningful experiences that you have decided to share with me and others. this has been a rough stage in my life and I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent crying about this trying to figure out what I should do and how I should go about doing it. Today, I decided to speak with him about how I was feeling and my cold feet issues. It was not a healthy conversation. before I get into what was talked about in the outcome, I want to make sure that I am following the rules of this forum because I do not want to be kicked off the site again as I was last week. I guess the best thing for me to do is to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I told my fiance that I was having second thoughts about being with him and going further with this entire visa process. I feel so horrible for doing this to him and his family. he is absolutely right that I am a selfish person and that I only think about my own life and how things affect me and not him. I have been told my entire life that I am selfish so it must be true.

Protecting yourself should come first, sometimes, selfish is the best thing to be. User rlogan always recommends a book about manipulation/manipulative people; look it up.

[Sharon&josh 6]

I mean this from the bottom of my heart that if he really truly loved you there is no way that he would say that this decision was selfish. A person who loves you would not say something hurtful. Also, the decision is between you and him and so anything with his family or anyone else is irrelevant. The only feelings that matter is yours first and then his, but only if they come from a place of love which his do not sound like they come from a place of love. i hope that you can see this experience and learn and grow from it. I hope that it doesn't affect the way you look at love but that it teaches you to protect your heart more cautiously.

You don't need to be manipulated into believing that what is right for you is your fault.

[yuna628 9,676]

He's the one that didn't think you worthy enough to get down off his balcony or be honest with you. That seems like the male being selfish here to me. So... you remember when we said all those red flags were to be seen here? That still applies. So it's not really about having ''cold feet'' here, it's about being smart, safe, and using logic. And about doing the right thing. Naturally he'd accuse you of being selfish. Call his bluff and walk away. Any pain you feel from it now would be nothing compared to the pain you'd feel later on.

[cdneh 3,112]

He's the one that didn't think you worthy enough to get down off his balcony or be honest with you. That seems like the male being selfish here to me. So... you remember when we said all those red flags were to be seen here? That still applies. So it's not really about having ''cold feet'' here, it's about being smart, safe, and using logic. And about doing the right thing. Naturally he'd accuse you of being selfish. Call his bluff and walk away. Any pain you feel from it now would be nothing compared to the pain you'd feel later on.

This.

You know, were it me, I would simply close the door. Withdraw the petition, no more contact whatsoever, just close the door, and not look back.

You may not see this now, but one day I believe you will come to understand what a lucky escape you have had.

[Vette 116]

thank you everyone for the kind words of advice and all of the meaningful experiences that you have decided to share with me and others. this has been a rough stage in my life and I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent crying about this trying to figure out what I should do and how I should go about doing it. Today, I decided to speak with him about how I was feeling and my cold feet issues. It was not a healthy conversation. before I get into what was talked about in the outcome, I want to make sure that I am following the rules of this forum because I do not want to be kicked off the site again as I was last week. I guess the best thing for me to do is to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I told my fiance that I was having second thoughts about being with him and going further with this entire visa process. I feel so horrible for doing this to him and his family. he is absolutely right that I am a selfish person and that I only think about my own life and how things affect me and not him. I have been told my entire life that I am selfish so it must be true.

So Basim is running a guilt trip on you and it's working?

TERRI! WAKE UP! PLEASE!

I'm sorry but I've got to say it and I wish you could literally hear me shouting this as I type - - -

You are having these feelings for a reason! This man is not the man for you! The entire relationship is a farce. You've spent $340 to learn a great lesson and it's worth every penny.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

As I told you if you stop being Miss Nice to him and had a tough love talk with him he would show his real colors. That he did by trying to make you feel

guilty and calling you selfish. His family is not your problem. His happiness in life is not your problem.

He is a selfish man, you are drawing boundaries for your self respect.

No, you aren't selfish at all unless it's in a sense of you know who you are and what is good for you and you will pursue that, he's just not it

I can't believe that's all he could come up with. Cancel the petition asap and move on.

Good for you, I wish you joy and peace and finding someone who is compatible with what you want in life !

Here is a link to a book that would help you say no with confidence to manipulating people who want to work you over

with guilt trips :

http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=boundaries+dr+henry+cloud&tag=googhydr-20&index=stripbooks&hvadid=30711332321&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17139605194619899015&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_7y0wiii3wy_b

Edited April 26, 2015 by Ebunoluwa

[kates43 13]

_{Terri, I am really sorry for you, but you really need to think about yourself in this case. This really doesn't look or sound good and these people on here are saying these things for your benefit, and we're strangers! But we do care.}

<sub>You should be able to meet someone properly before you get engaged and be able to have sufficient conversations with that person who you can tell your deepest feelings to without feeling judged etc.

I was in and out of relationships for awhile and you can sometimes tend to settle because 'love' can be foolish.</sub>

_{Do not settle. Don't ever settle. As long as it takes, hold out for the person who you can look at and be proud to show off and love him no matter what happens. And you deserve the same in return.}

_{I am going to pray for this situation, and I mean really pray for you. I honestly believe God can turn things around at any second and can replenish people and situations, but if things don't go how you originally intended with him, you really are going to be okay, even possibly better off! Relationships can be challenging, no one said they were easy and especially going through long distance.}

_{My mom said to me once (when I was dating someone), "What do you like about him?" and I found myself struggling to answer, yet I was spending so much time with him. But I could rattle off so many things I didn't like. And there is a sign !}

_{Take your time, but be confident and look after yourself. It is better to stop things now than be too far gone and get hurt or taken advantage of. Talk to some friends or family that you trust and can be objective and look at this with common sense, not biased.}

_{Much love and good luck!}

_xx

[belinda63 3,038]

Wow you went all the way to see him and all you got was a few minutes of looking at him on a balcony three stories up, a rose, and a sweaty towel. You have invested time and money into bringing him here. And you are selfish? What has he done other than try to buy a green card?

[AmyWrites 593]

Actually, I think it's him who is selfish, by not telling you about his niece, and more importantly, after you flying to Morocco, not even having the respect to stand within five feet of you.

[carocaro 22]

I wonder what you would think if you were looking in on your life and this story from the outside, reading your posts as if this story belonged to someone else, not you living it. What would you tell that woman?

Instantly I think RUN away fast.

[Jon and Krissy 452]

I hope you are reading and taking to heart all these things that have been written from people that have concerns. Please go with your gut. This is something that is given to all of us. If you ignore it now it will be suppressed. You look like a very attractive young woman and I am most certain there is someone else out there that you can be more compatible with if you will be patient.

Her picture is of actress Alyson Hannigan.

[subwayguy 100]

thank you everyone for the kind words of advice and all of the meaningful experiences that you have decided to share with me and others. this has been a rough stage in my life and I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent crying about this trying to figure out what I should do and how I should go about doing it. Today, I decided to speak with him about how I was feeling and my cold feet issues. It was not a healthy conversation. before I get into what was talked about in the outcome, I want to make sure that I am following the rules of this forum because I do not want to be kicked off the site again as I was last week. I guess the best thing for me to do is to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I told my fiance that I was having second thoughts about being with him and going further with this entire visa process. I feel so horrible for doing this to him and his family. he is absolutely right that I am a selfish person and that I only think about my own life and how things affect me and not him. I have been told my entire life that I am selfish so it must be true.

Stop blaming yourself. You have done absoutely NOTHING wrong! I wonder where is his sense of entitlement is coming from. You don't OWE him anything.

He is manipulating your guilt to further take advantage of you. Don't let him get you. There are millions of other straight men out there!!!!!!!!!

[Illiria 980]

To make sure he is with you for the right reason, tell him you will live with him in his Country,and wait to see his reaction.I have a feeling he will vanish after that.

Totally agree with Sandra here.

I always advise petitioners if they have doubts about if their beneficiary is with them just for the opportunity to live in the petitioners country that they offer to marry the beneficiary and move to their country instead. This tends to reveal quite quickly those who only care about coming to the petitioners country. You are not responsible for his family, there is no requirement for you to bring them all over if you do not wish to.