Cold Feet and Second Thoughts

[Aleks&Hajji 1]

Why can you not talk about all of this with him? Bring it up!

It sounds like you know what you need to do, just need to find the courage to break it off - but why not bring it up?? Maybe his response will be the closure you need *or* it will calm your doubts.

Aside from the fact that your fiance unfortunately doesn't seem sincere (from the info in your previous posts) there is another issue that you've deemed a non-issue.... I can tell you from experience that being a Christian woman married to a Muslim man is not easy. My husband isn't even that religious, but we've been married over 3 years and to this day we have challenges in how we communicate and treat one another. Whether this is due to religion or culture doesn't matter - the two are interlinked.

If this guy is so conservative that he believes you two should not be in close proximity to each other how will he feel about you (his *wife*) interacting with other men? At your work? With your male friends? How will he feel about the way you dress (and don't veil), etc?

I wish you the best of luck and hope that this story has the happiest ending. We're all praying/sending good vibes your way

[Squamish 10]

I hope you are reading and taking to heart all these things that have been written from people that have concerns. Please go with your gut. This is something that is given to all of us. If you ignore it now it will be suppressed. You look like a very attractive young woman and I am most certain there is someone else out there that you can be more compatible with if you will be patient.

[VOL 425]

Trust your gut, it is very rarely wrong.

Agreed.......

[AverysMom 76]

I've just read ALL of your posts of drama regarding this fiancé. End this, it's clearly doomed.

[Lucky2Lucky 2,526]

Have you visited each other multiple times? It seems too many people only meet once then get engaged, to me that is a huge red flag. How do you know someone whom you've met once! Words on the internet can be sweet and also lies. I don't know if this is your situation or not. Don't rush into anything- you are filing out legal documents.

[Vette 116]

Welcome back, Terri. Nice to see you.

Listen, I know you don't like advice or constructive criticism, but based on everything you have told us over the last week or so, this whole situation may not be the best. Let's just point out a few of the events I consider to be RED FLAGS:

• His family is super-orthodox, conservative Muslim. You are Christian. This is not a deal killer, but it is bound to become a bigger issue later on down the line. I highly doubt he has plans of converting and you said you don't either. I know mixed-faith couples and yes, the challenge is real and is definitely something to consider.
• His uncle has already fudged things up by marrying and leaving your sister high and dry. Not to say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but again, this is something to consider.
• After meeting (in Morocco, I think?) he could not stand near or next to you. Instead, he waived at you from a third story balcony while a photographer tried to finagle photos that portrayed you two as a happy couple. You never got to hug him or even shake his hand. Instead, he tossed down to you a wet towel and a flower to keep as a momento of the time you two almost met. I mean, the guy gives Shakespeare a run for his money. Highly flaggable.
• After dating him for months and being engaged to him for weeks, you are just now finding out he is "father" to his niece (daughter of the estanged uncle/brother-in-law). Why hasn't he spoken with you about this before? Especially before filing? Why can't you discuss this issue? Why are you forbidden to ask or speak about the girl's mother? This right here would be the last straw for me.

I could actually go on and on, but I won't. You see where I am going with this. You need to put on your thinking cap and your big girl panties and really figure this thing out. Is it worth it? I say HECK NO!

[discoverusa 268]

I wish you all the best. I don't want to sound insensitive, but he may be the girls real father.

[Elle&Kev 120]

I shall also point out that if this child is the daughter of the Uncle then she is really the cousin of Basim and not his niece.

[raeyneg 1]

I have not really posted anything here but I have read a lot of posts and threads. My husband to be is from a country that hates the US to some degree. While Amir was raised Muslim, he does not like it. But the point I am getting to is this, during our two years of talking and visiting, I have never had him suddenly forget to tell me something. Amir and I agreed to not keep secrets and we have discussed everything. I questioned his intentions for wanting to date me at the beginning about just wanting a green card or a way to the USA.

If your guy will not allow you to discuss anything then how can you trust anything you know? Amir and I had to trust each other to be honest even when we did not like the topics. Someone forbids you to talk about something in a long distance relationship would be a huge huge deal breaker for me and a lack of trust and open honesty.

I wish you luck but I agree with a lot of the posters here, this will not end well for you I fear.

[wbeem 568]

There is so much goung on but my tears are delaying this process. Wow i really feel like I cant go thru with this.

If you are questioning this, whether or not he is the right man for you, it is a sign that you are not ready. Take some time. Waiting a few months could save painful years in the future. Tears are not necessarily a sign that something isn't right, but doubt can be.

Secrets have no place in a marriage. Take the time you need.

[subwayguy 100]

Boiler is right, take is easy. ""The Eagles"" 70's and even now rock band had a huge hit ""Take IT Easy"".,.,listen to the song.

If you are having any doubts, they are there for a reason, as your heart is telling you "all is fine" but your brain knows, that something just does not seem quite right. I would not want to be where you are, such a huge decision.

You must think.,.,..,WHAT WAS THE ONE THING THAT STARTED YOUR DOUBTS.,..,,.it had to stand out.

I have absolutely nothing against ""moderate Muslims"" but I would never understand how a Christian and a Muslim could be married. You are so different. It might be that some people make it work, but, long term..,.,.,it is doomed, in my opinion.

It is hard enough, married to a devout Catholic from the Phils., and me a Southern Baptist.,.,...,but we exist.,.very peacefully.

And the talking of relatives in his country, would be a huge red flag to me, who does he want to bring here, and just because he sent you money, is that "bait".,.,.,just to get here, then bring other family members here?

I have followed your story, and I have never heard you sound like this, ""SOMETHING IS WRONG".,.,.,. and you have detected it.,.,.I hope you can figure out what it is, before it is too late!

I am a hardcore atheist married to a non practicing Jew. I do think interfaith marriages work. However, as politically incorrect as it may sounds, I cannot convince myself a Mohammedan is able to marry outside of their religion without plan to convert the non-muslim.

with that being said, I could tell you inter faith marriages are not easy. I learnt a lot about Judaism and their practices. If i were married to a orthodox or even conservative jew, I wouldn't be able to manage it. One's value directly contradicts yours .The whole tolerance and acceptance sounds beautiful but in reality , it doesn't often work out just like that.

Your issue isn't about interfaith marriage, your issue is that you HAVE TO run away this fiancé right away !

ditch him now, you'll cry for a week , otherwise, you'll carry the consequences for your whole life.

I am just wondering, are people who are in love THAT blind?

Edited April 26, 2015 by subwayguy

[wbeem 568]

Terri, how did he propose?

[Luana and Andrew 1]

Yes, I definetelly see that for most of people the different religion is a big red flag. The real red flag here though is your feelings Terri. Learning new things about your fiancé everyday can be normal depending on what kind of information that is. Almost been like a father? It doesnt sound like a small thing for me.

Take in consideration your feelings but also what you know about him and his life. Is it what you want forever?

Waiting until you figure out everything can to save you painful years on the future. I wish you the best girl.

[Sekhvaruli 74]

Trust your guts, like they said to you.

I had a very sad story myself.

My fiance' I filed for in May 2014 turned to be a total shithead.

I was silly not to trust my guts. Our relationship was getting worse, while I was trying to work on it, reading books like "Men are from Mars..." But he was yelling at me, not picking up the phone, lying and making fake loving faces to me in Skype.

Then I started praying. I remember that day I prayed non stop for several hours. It was helping to soothen my aching heart. And then the real help from God showed up. I was contacted over the Internet by a girl, the mother of my fiance's baby daughter. She told me what kind of person he actually was - abandoned her, when she was pregnant, sneaking out of the house at night like a snake, and stole her money.

After that I wrote to him I couldn't be with him anymore. He didn't say a word to me in responce, he simply cowardly disappeared. I withdrew the petition and moved on.

Consider yourself a lucky one. It's better to figure everything out while you both are on different coasts.

[Beverrlly 7]

I had some doubts...my fiance is 14 years older than me and this will be my second marriage. I am terrified to re-live the divorce process. I asked my parents and sister about my fiance--they didn't love my first husband so they obviously saw something I didn't back then. I figured maybe they would see something this time. They told me that they had doubts about his age but that we could work to overcome them. As far as cultural differences, they ARE real. My fiance is from Australia which isn't all that different from America and we still run into cultural differences that we have to work through. I imagine your cultural differences are way more pronounced.

My advice would be the same as everyone else's....ask someone you trust about your situation and get their honest opinion on whether or not you should go through with this. An outsider's view isn't clouded by the love/emotion that you have. Also, since the K1 process takes so long, you have some time. Take a step back, breathe and if you feel like you want to do this, arrange (at least) another visit where you can see him face to face, on the same level, and have an in-person chat. BEST CASE scenario is he's holding back some details afraid of what you'll say, worst case is he's defrauding you to get a green card and there is lots more to his story than he will tell you.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Beverrlly