Wife ran off, got pregnant, blackmailing me into "helping" her get green card

[nyk349 9]

USCIS has very limited interest in the drama of your marriage and divorce. And unless you want to, you don't have to have much interest in her immigration status.

You can certainly contact USCIS and tell them your side of the story. Based on what you said - date of separation 11/20, expected due date 8/16 - it remains possible you are the father. It would be easier to prove if you hadn't seen each other at all during the reasonable period of conception. However you can advise USCIS that you deny paternity and a paternity test is pending.

Other than that, I would just put it all in your lawyer's hands. Yes, it could cost you $10K more or less, but you said you're about to start a lucrative career, so that sum won't break you.

It's wildly unlikely that she can get a significant financial settlement from you. She is not entitled to participation in your earnings prior to the date of marriage (unless you were engaged in some kind of joint business venture). You said you were married in December 2013 and separated in November 2014. She is presumptively entitled to half of the marital property, i.e. what you accumulated while married. If you changed all your individual accounts to joint following the marriage that would of course be problematic. But to the extent that you owned property prior to the date of marriage and it was not comingled, gifted to your wife or to the marriage, or increased in value by her active participation, it should not be subject to division.

But really - just let the lawyer handle it. It costs some money but the peace of mind is worth it. I was actively involved in my divorce at first, but when I got tired of my psychotic ex (who developed a habit of, when she couldn't sleep, emailing slanderous letters to my family, apparently thinking that if she used enough invective they would take the side of the woman who said the day after my mother died "I hope she rots in hell")) I just told her to communicate only through counsel.

Litigation is the one place where they can't threaten or abuse you if you're actually in the right.

Thank you so much for that thoughtful post, Tuckin14. I will consult with the lawyer on Thursday regarding the paternity issue, yes. She swears it's not mine. Why would she lie? But she too may be wrong. Last time I definitely remember us being intimate is 9/25. I don't remember if we were intimate during October and I am almost certain we were not intimate during the 20 days of November, up until her leaving.

Then again, what if she's lying about that too? What if this guy is some friend who "cares" about her and is there to "support her through this difficult time"? I do not trust any word this girl says any longer, and on Thursday I will get answers to all these concerns by that darned lawyer.

As far as my questions regarding her immigration status, fantasies of petty retribution aside, I'm asking how it may affect me. If helpful, then yes, I'll call USCIS and tell them the side of the story. This is all pre-emptive, not aggressive. I don't know what she can or can't do to me via the USCIS route and, while I don't believe she would, I'm not leaving it to chance. I didn't believe she'd do what she's done either.

The lawyer has a flat fee for uncontested divorce and, despite my rants and paranoid worst-case-scenario fantasies, I am not expecting her to fight to stay married or stick me with the child. I believe if she can only comprehend that she does not need me to get her precious green card, she'll sign the papers and crawl off. I'm hiring the lawyer only because I do not trust her.

$10K would've been fine if I had my glitzy job but that's not till another 6-12 months. Why does everyone keep throwing the $10K figure around?

Edited April 22, 2015 by nyk349

[archie119 9]

Yep very sticky situation waiting on lawyers advice

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Two more days till I see this effin lawyer. They had no earlier times.

Do you live in some one horse town, that also coincidentally has only one lawyer. That possibly rides the horse to work?

[nyk349 9]

Hah. No. Possibly just a very busy lawyer. I contacted the first lawyer with the highest ratings on Yelp.

She will show up at your place all bruised and battered

Who's going to pre-bruise and pre-batter her?

[novedsac 355]

2) file for divorce ASAP AND determine the paternity of the child as that can be a potential 18 year commitment where she will get the money and you will have little control over how it is spent. I would offer a small amount of spousal support for a few years rather than wait for her lawyer to go after your potential income.

Volunteer support for a few years !?!?!

They've been married less than two years; separated for about half that time ... and she purportedly committed adultery and is living at the moment with another man. Assuming this at face value, even a mediocre attorney could avoid an alimony judgement.

I was married for eleven years ... my ex, who never had a job during the marriage, committed adultery and had a history of beating the kids ... she ended up with no alimony. Unless OPs wife has some mental illness or disability, I really don't see her gaining any traction with a claim for alimony. An offer of 3-6 months' expenses in exchange for cooperation of establishing paternity and an uncontested divorce would seem reasonable, but certainly not a few years' worth.

[Jon and Krissy 452]

Volunteer support for a few years !?!?!

They've been married less than two years; separated for about half that time ... and she purportedly committed adultery and is living at the moment with another man. Assuming this at face value, even a mediocre attorney could avoid an alimony judgement.

I was married for eleven years ... my ex, who never had a job during the marriage, committed adultery and had a history of beating the kids ... she ended up with no alimony. Unless OPs wife has some mental illness or disability, I really don't see her gaining any traction with a claim for alimony. An offer of 3-6 months' expenses in exchange for cooperation of establishing paternity and an uncontested divorce would seem reasonable, but certainly not a few years' worth.

Agreed. In an absolutely worst case scenario, he might have had to pay 6 months or so of spousal support if she'd gone for it when she walked. After this long, she's unlikely to get anything - I'd guess at worst, a few months if you get a bad judge, but most likely nada. Volunteer nothing!

[nyk349 9]

Thank you, guys. I'm extracting all the valuable advice into a text file.

My emotional state is very strange. One moment I'm glad it wasn't I who knocked her up and thank my lucky stars it's not that bad. The next moment I'm grief-stricken. Even though I was unhappy with her, I needed time to get over her and process it. She was throwing her legs in the air. Four years, man. How do you do that. Other times I'm furious and cursing her name.

One more day till the lawyer. I just need this done.

[tuckin14 58]

Breakups are a difficult process. In my personal case, it usually takes some major major shock to get me to really let go of a bad relationship (like finding my most recent girlfriend stealing from me to buy heroin - I got over that one pretty fast, although it hasn't kept me from trying to help her parents get her to accept her problem and get treatment).

The lawyer may not tell you everything you are hoping to hear. But based on the facts you've offered, you are likely to have a favorable outcome.

Child support is the biggest issue, because that hangs on you for 18 years and even worse keeps your ex in your life.

The confusing part to me are the "divorce papers you signed." It's certainly possible she saw an attorney who prepared papers for an uncontested divorce. But did you read them? What did they say about property division and spousal support? I'm just taking a wild guess here but it's possible a court would not allow her to waive child support since doing so would not be in the best interests of the child. The lawyer will need to look at those.

Sorry for the $10K estimate but lawyers aren't cheap. Although they usually charge a reasonable fee for an initial consultation, which is probably what you are going for tomorrow.

[nyk349 9]

Breakups are a difficult process. In my personal case, it usually takes some major major shock to get me to really let go of a bad relationship (like finding my most recent girlfriend stealing from me to buy heroin - I got over that one pretty fast, although it hasn't kept me from trying to help her parents get her to accept her problem and get treatment).

The lawyer may not tell you everything you are hoping to hear. But based on the facts you've offered, you are likely to have a favorable outcome.

Child support is the biggest issue, because that hangs on you for 18 years and even worse keeps your ex in your life.

The confusing part to me are the "divorce papers you signed." It's certainly possible she saw an attorney who prepared papers for an uncontested divorce. But did you read them? What did they say about property division and spousal support? I'm just taking a wild guess here but it's possible a court would not allow her to waive child support since doing so would not be in the best interests of the child. The lawyer will need to look at those.

Sorry for the $10K estimate but lawyers aren't cheap. Although they usually charge a reasonable fee for an initial consultation, which is probably what you are going for tomorrow.

She didn't see an attorney but someone did help her. Probably a friend. New York has an online questionnaire that prepares the forms for you, that's what she used. There was nothing regarding property or support. I mean, it was not being requested. I read it and recognized the sentences--in fact, I had prepared the same questionnaire a few weeks before she'd left and had it saved on the hard drive. It was wryly humorous when I saw her sending me the same online forms back that I'd prepared myself.

"taking a wild guess here but it's possible a court would not allow her to waive child support since doing so would not be in the best interests of the child"

I'm not sure what you mean with that. The thing is not mine, therefore I am not responsible for its "best interests" and I intend to prove that.

My mother texted her today; she's always been the "good guy." She admitted to my mother via text message that the thing is not mine.

What will most likely happen is she'll be served, immediately sign, and then disappear into the hell that will be her life, given the ideas in her misguided skull. I am not expecting any nastiness or fight from her part. I'm only speaking with this level of alarm because I tend to always expect the worst.

If the divorce is uncontested, the lawyer has a flat fee. It won't be cheap but it won't be $10K. If not.... I'll keep you all updated.

Meanwhile, I must wake up tomorrow with the right state of mind and get back to what I must do for my third exam. I can't let this leech rob me of any more of my peace of mind. She'll be dealt with shortly.

Or maybe I'll just wake up and grieve for the loss of a girl who was never who I thought she was in the first place. At this point, it could go either way.

Edited April 22, 2015 by nyk349

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Hope... Do not look down, my friend. Even in the darkest of times, there is always hope.

Hope for a better day, hope for a new dawn.

Or just hope for a good breakfast. You start small, then see what you can get.

[kamw 93]

I used to hate the saying in all things it could be worse...then I realized if you look at all your problems that way, it puts them into perspective. She could have came back and begged for forgiveness under the guise that she found out she was having your spawn. Kept the ruse going until 10 years down the line when the spawn needed some medical treatment and you found out you aren't a match cause you're not the dad. (I watch too much tv).

Just a random thought- if she decides to go on a Google binge and types in the correct words she could come across this thread, which could totally destroy your plans. You need to ensure that you move quickly with whatever advice your lawyer tells you and not go into detail on what your plans are on any public forum.

[madtownguy 164]

I used to hate the saying in all things it could be worse...then I realized if you look at all your problems that way, it puts them into perspective. She could have came back and begged for forgiveness under the guise that she found out she was having your spawn. Kept the ruse going until 10 years down the line when the spawn needed some medical treatment and you found out you aren't a match cause you're not the dad. (I watch too much tv).

Just a random thought- if she decides to go on a Google binge and types in the correct words she could come across this thread, which could totally destroy your plans. You need to ensure that you move quickly with whatever advice your lawyer tells you and not go into detail on what your plans are on any public forum.

I use to be the same way also, once you realize you have it good compared to someone else it takes a lot of stress and mental anguish of the table. I feel bad for that person who really can't say at least I'm not this person. Unfortunately with out all the drama people create from normal everyday situations the internet might cease to exist.

[novedsac 355]

I'm just taking a wild guess here but it's possible a court would not allow her to waive child support since doing so would not be in the best interests of the child. The lawyer will need to look at those.

Correct. This is also why Courts will not recognize any child support/custody agreements in a pre- or post-nuptial agreement. The Court will always decide what is in the best interest of the child and most jurisdictions used a defined algorithm for determining the amount of support and each parent's share of that support.

OP must determine paternity through the Court. His soon-to-be-ex can state, sign and promise all she wants, but it will not mean anything to the Court should the issue of support come up later in the child's life. There was an interesting case in the news awhile back ... guy donates sperm to some friend/aquantance/whatever for a child ... they have some rudimentary agreement that he's doing it for goodwill or something and she makes no claim on fatherhood, support, etc. Fast forward a few years, mom falls on hard times and collects state assistance. State, seeking to reclaim some of that assistance, demands to know who the father is and goes after him for child support, including back child support since birth. Ends up in Court. Judge ultimately finds that the guy now owes thousands; yet because he has never been involed with the kid, Judge does not grant visitation nor any parental rights to the 'father', just a large award which the State subsequently attaches to his wages. Apparently, if they had gone through an official 'sperm bank' then the appropriate disclosures/contracts would have been drawn up which would have alleviated this. Guy got royally screwed.

OP is best advised to determine paternity through the Courts as soon as possible.

[nyk349 9]

Quite a bit of conjecture and paranoia on my part while I was waiting to sit down with the lawyers last week.

Updates:

• Yes, if it's born while we're married, it will be legally mine. This is for the "good of the child." As a male in the United States, my "good" is irrelevant. I'm just the cash cow.
• She signed the papers with no fuss. She doesn't actually want to put me on that birth certificate, nor does she want to deal with a complicated paternity process were it to come out while our marriage is still in force any more than I do.
• The lawyer will expedite it. Best case scenario: four weeks. Worst case scenario: "end of summer." I'm sure it'll go through in time.
• Total cost: $3,500.

So nothing has turned out quite as catastrophic as I and others imagined.

I feel a lot better. Now I can go back to focusing on what's actually important.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice and suggestions.

Edited May 2, 2015 by nyk349

[Mountain Climber 186]

Quite a bit of conjecture and paranoia on my part while I was waiting to sit down with the lawyers last week.

Updates:

• Yes, if it's born while we're married, it will be legally mine. This is for the "good of the child." As a male in the United States, my "good" is irrelevant. I'm just the cash cow.
• She signed the papers with no fuss. She doesn't actually want to put me on that birth certificate, nor does she want to deal with a complicated paternity process were it to come out while our marriage is still in force any more than I do.
• The lawyer will expedite it. Best case scenario: four weeks. Worst case scenario: "end of summer." I'm sure it'll go through in time.
• Total cost: $3,500.

So nothing has turned out quite as catastrophic as I and others imagined.

I feel a lot better. Now I can go back to focusing on what's actually important.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice and suggestions.

Any paternity test requested? Glad things are working out for you better than anticipated. Good luck.