Valentine's Day Jokes

[Marilyn. 340]

Q: What do squireels give for Valentine's Day?

A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the letter say to the stamp?

A: You send me.

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favorite song?

A: I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?

A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A: Hog and kisses!

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A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Marilyn. 340]

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together

Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together

Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two

Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"

Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy

Lust: Thinking you are the candy

Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night

Lust: Sex 5 times a night

Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony

Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn

Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume

Lust: Brut aftershave

Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold

Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."

Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling

Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep

Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room

Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room

Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside

Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout

Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Edited February 10, 2007 by MarilynP

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Hehehehehe so, Marilyn . . . do you have a 9 year old at home or something?

[Marilyn. 340]

Hehehehehe so, Marilyn . . . do you have a 9 year old at home or something?

nope, just found the jokes when I was out surfing the net....

[LuzyC 0]

I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

[LuzyC 0]

VALENTINES DAY

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card?

A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?

"I love you with all my art!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?

He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?

I t was a case of guppy love.

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts!

What do you call a very small valentine?

A valentiny!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?

"Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's Day? "

I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

Why do valentines have hearts on them?

Because kidneys would look pretty gross!

What did one light bulb say to the other?

"I love you a whole watt!"

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?

Ughs and kisses!

Why do valentines have hearts on them?

Because spleens would look pretty gross!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the bat say to his Valentine?

"You're fun to hang around with."

What did one pickle say to the other?

"Valentine, you mean a great dill to me!"

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

"I'm sweet on you!"

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?

Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the elephant say to his Valentine?

"I love you a ton!"

What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of love?

A stupid cupid!

Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?

She didn't suit his taste!

[Marilyn. 340]

A Mommy Moment

Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

***********************************

What did one light bulb say to the other?

"I love you a whole watt!"

[Ban Hammer 13,656]

I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

that didn't quite end the way i thought it would

ask gary

[DeadPoolX 9]

I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

that didn't quite end the way i thought it would

ask gary

Yeah, I know what you mean, Charles! I had imagined an entirely different ending...

[Nessa 23]

dirty minds

[LuzyC 0]

I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

that didn't quite end the way i thought it would

ask gary

I just had a dream about it

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

that didn't quite end the way i thought it would

ask gary

Yeah, I know what you mean, Charles! I had imagined an entirely different ending...

You guys so nauuughtyyy!!

[Ban Hammer 13,656]

dirty minds

[Marilyn. 340]

Perfectly Paired Puns

As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband.

When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine." I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: "My Heart Pants for You."

I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: "Wood You Be My Valentine?"

-- Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman

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A Little Nuts About Love

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts.

As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked.

"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts"

-- Contributed by Theodore Bologna

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Check Out a Romance

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.

After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk.

I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer.

Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. "Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."

-- Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow

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Sweet Nothings (.com)

My boyfriend and I met online and we'd been dating for over a year.

I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet.

He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up.

Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a regular 56K modem."

-- Contributed by Anne McConnell

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Pastoral Passion

The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives.

A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice.

When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. "Would you have anything in black flannel?" He asked.

-- Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo

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Mower Than a Greeting Card

My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one.

Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office -- and got an idea.

Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: "I lawn for you mower and mower each day."

Mark's wife loved it. The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.

-- Contributed by Gene Hyde

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Read All About It

Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages.

Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant.

When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her.

Near the bottom of one page she found: "Bonnie -- What are you looking here for? Aren't dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott."

-- Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell

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Edited February 12, 2007 by MarilynP