Tips and Techniques for Handling "The Wait"

[lion_lioness 0]

Ive only been back from my 2nd trip to Jordan for 3 weeks and were both breaking down a little. I just talked to my fiance tonite and he didn't sound good, a little sad and it broke my heart. If it were'n't for my son I swear I would just go to him. I could totally see myself there. Sure there would be sacrifices, but the simplicity is very attractive as well. I'm praying we at least get to the NOA2 before this month is over so at least we know we'll be getting an interview date and know what that date is before I leave next trip.

Hang in there ladies.....

[dollface41601 0]

Thank god, sofyan and i were fortunate enough to have things the way they were for us.....i had my job waitin for me whenever i decided to come home, my dad had a job for sofyan the week he got here, i had enough money saved for furniture, a new car, and home furnishings, my family threw us a wedding shower and we recieved ALOT of money, and we rent our house from a family member...so it worked out perfect for us, probably wouldnt be the same for alot of others though

[babybunny 2]

here is an idea:

sometimes Javed would send me a text message it would say something like

" honey where are my shoes? "

I would respond with something like

" under the bed dear- doggie chewing on them."

he would send a message like

" shonnie whats for dinner tonight? "

I would say something like

" how about chicken and rice "

he would respond with

" great. I will be home at 5pm " ..ll.

we know we are apart but, its cool to add each other in daily things.

[babybunny 2]

here is an other idea:

we bet each other. like we would say. on X date ...something < blank> will happen.

we would then place our wager.. sometimes its a candy apple or a 1.00.

already javed owe me 2 candy apples and about 20.00.... this is another way to pass the time.

[sereia 0]

i don't know what to do. i'm so lonely and he's completely falling apart. waiting six months seems like an eternity even though it is in reality not very long........ i wish there was a way i could go there to be with him and wait.

I'm feeling you. We had those times too. I think we're still both bewildered at times that we're actually TOGETHER again. But one thing to hang onto is this is the opportunity to really lay the foundation of your relationship. This journey is a very hard one, and I think many here will agree that the difficulty is what brought them closer together and forged a deeper bond then what a "normal" (cough cough) relationship would have done. It's that ability to "hold hands" no matter what hell storm you're going through or what distance lies between you that will take you far down the road of life together. And its because you choose to do it quite consciously.

I know that's not much consolation when you're lonely though. Just keep a good feeling that this lonely time is a tool the two of you can use to really lay that strong foundation. And this waiting time won't last forever, even though sometimes it sure does feel like it will.

Hugs. If you need to vent, drop me a message...

Thats what I keep trying to convince myself of...and keep telling him to remember! He is really worried about his ability to take care of me in the future. He puts so much pressure on himself I think he is overwhelmed and soooo scared.

I can't live there now because I really have no one to co-sponsor for us when we come back. I'm sure my mom's inclination would be to do it because she really loves me. But she is definitely against me marrying him so I think in the end she would say no. She really can't understand why I would marry a foreigner who has to start from square one. She thinks I should marry an older man who is already here. And she's right...but you can't help who you fall in love with.

wahhhhhhhhhhh... hugs back. Thanks for your inspiring words.

[amal 4]

Some days move like the wind and some days feel like they will never end. Some days you feel so fine and some days you want to cry. No matter the day or the pain, know that we are here for you. Some of us may have completed our processes but we will never forget the heartache it brought upon us. It is most definitely not an easy wait but together we will pull you through it. If you're ever down and out give me a shout and we can talk it out. Don't feel bad for feelin bad, just know that it is normal and it will end some day soon. Try to keep a light heart and remember, patience is key to your own sanity.

amal

[~Jackie~ 30]

It is nice to see so many now that have been reunited and able to share their stories of how to overcome the 'wait'. Our personal journey took 2 full years and I was one of those that didn't handle it very well. After my husband came, I as able to speak to many of you in PM and encouraged you behind the vj scenes. That is why it makes me feel good that there are many of you now that can help others get thru this.

The first year apart, I was in anguish over the fact that my heart was 6,000 miles away. We had our 5pm/1am date. We didn't use the phone much, just internet and cam. That changed after the first year. I made another trip into Jordan for a week for our 1st anniversary. When I left him the second time, I ached. Little did I know, it would be another year until he would get his visa. After 1 1/2 years of waiting our first RFE came. It was March 3, 2004 and I opened that email at work. I cried, I couldn't stop crying, and my work suggested I was having a breakdown. (ya think?) I planned a third trip to Jordan. In the second year, we stopped using the cams. It hurt too much to see his face and know there was nothing I could do to help speed things up. There was no regional forum, I had a few close vj buddies to help me thru it, thank you Reba, Darb and Zen.

So for tips and techniques on handling the wait, I'm not the one to give advice. I didn't handle it, I broke down. When I read nowand feel one of you needs support, I will message you and tell you that I know how you feel. I give out my phone number all the time in PM (as many of you know! it is so cool to hear your voices ) Keep the ideas coming, it is so good for the ones waiting to hear these tips.

Jackie

[Together4ever 1]

Jackie,

You sure were a tremendous help to me while I wasn't "handling it" so well either. I can never thank you enough.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Jean it warms my heart to see you offering support and comfort to those still apart. We have several members here on lengthy reviews and it is the comraderie of this group that will help them get thru the wait.

Jackie

[ya falaha! 0]

Some of us don't have that luxury, unfortunately. I don't really have any advice on how to handle it. I've tried multiple things and nothing has really worked. This really sucks

I couldnt handle the time apart, so i quit my job, packed my things, and moved to Jordan so we could file from the embassy there, wait a year for the visa, but still be together everyday

[~kiyah~ 14]

The wait has been very hard, we have been separated for over 2 years. I have been to visit 3 times but after this last time when we were married seems to be the hardest yet for both of us.

Even though we chatted online nearly every day, last year the majority of our communication was on the telephone, costing us a near fortune. Now we chat on video conference every day, and have cut down on the phone bills since we put a computer and DSL in his house. This helped so much to put a computer/DSL in his house...now we can do things like wake each other up, on Sundays we take naps together on video conference (yeah cheesy i know), watch each other fall asleep at night, pray together on video conference, chat any time we need to without him having to go to the internet cafe that costs money to get there, stay there, and there is no privacy.

One thing we have vowed is to talk to each other about it when it gets rough, even giving each other space when its needed, this really helps, and it has made us stronger. I always include my husband on important decisions, discussions regarding my daughter (his step-daughter), financial issues and the budget, services for our home here, home repairs, etc. Including him in these every day things helps a lot and makes him feel like head of the household even though he is so far away. During holidays/birthdays with my family, we take video and send it to him...he loves to see everyone including him even though he is not here yet.

We have a habit of sending e-cards nearly every day...we laugh because we have used almost every dependable online service for ecards...we're running out of new ones to send to each other. We leave each other voice messages constantly whether it be MSN, or just a wav file we create and send...and we both listen to them when we are down and feeling like it's all going to crash down on us. Text messaging has been our friend as well, sending surprising messages back and forth to each other, anything we can do to feel closer...we do it.

I look to my dear friends who have gone through a very lengthy physical separation, who are now reunited with their loved ones...and I say "hats off to you, for enduring the most painful time ever...you are a solid rock in this ocean of uncertainty."

We probably have near another year to be separated, we are already talking about planning my next trip to visit him in Morocco. I will also be there during his interview this time...insh'allah this time we will get our visa. We will never give up trying to be together in the same country...we took a vow, and that vow is for the rest of our lives.

~Kiyah~

Ohibouk rajli...inta omri

[~Jackie~ 30]

I want to share with you all the outcome of a long separation. From the moment you meet your SO at the airport, there is a bonding and commitment that cements your marriage. Because of the wait, you will have a strength that will weather you thru adjusting to a 24/7 relationship rather than a computer relationship.

I didn't understand why we were apart for so long. In looking back, it allowed me 3 trips to Jordan and more time to get to know his family. Everything happens for a reason. Now, every night when we go to sleep we say Alhamdulillah for the time we have together. We never take our marriage for granted and I know we will never forget the pain of being apart. So, to the ones reunited, treasure your relationship. To the ones waiting, hang in there, it will happen in God's time not yours and remember that everything happens for a reason.

Jackie

[deathbydalbhat 0]

Not a MENA-ite but I can so relate to much of what you all have posted... I have been apart from my Maya for going on 7 months now and have 3 more to go... I remember my last day in Kat with him and it was like tearing my arm off to be separated since I knew it would be such a long wait... He was so ambivalent about coming here to the US and I was actually ready to quit my job and go teach English in Taiwan or China so I could have a job with more vacation time and so I could be closer to him - if there were real opportunities in Nepal I would move in a heartbeat...Our dream is to go back...

One thing which keeps me busy is I started an eBay store - K sends me things from Nepal and I sell them on the site...It is something we can do together and every little paisa helps us to realize our dreams of being together...

I also study meditation and yoga - realize every thing is impermanent. There is an anonymous message board I frequent where there are mostly married women with children who post and though there is a lot of negativity it helps me realize that someday even though I love my guy to death no marriage is perfect and there are a lot of adjustments I and he will need to make---there may come a day when I will wish for these days when I have so much time to myself, so the key is to enjoy something about every moment you have on this earth, whether it is alone or with your SO, they are all precious and wasted if all the time I am wishing they would go faster. K always says to me - 'Think less - Eat more - Be happy!' That sums it up I guess...

And I agree it is so important to have a date you can look forward to...

[The_dip_sticks 0]

I have found it seems really important to have a date... on the calendar... to look for. So this is either a trip you will take, or an interview date.. something like this.

Very very true.

One other thing that helps me a lot is working out and practising yoga. It clears my mind.

I’m glad some one mentioned it. I’m really not an exercise person and I have been thinking of yoga. My husband suggested it to me a few times for the same reason you do it. He said it would help me relax because I’m always thinking and thinking and pondering why why why...... My hubby loves martial arts he used to practice Thai boxing back in the days. Now he just does Thai chi to help him relax. I know that there are different types of yoga practices, what kind of yoga do you suggest for a beginner? I guess it would be a great idea to clear the mind and stay in shape at the same time. People have told me that yoga is great to stay fit and trust me I really need to get rid of 10 pounds.

come to work with me on the RAMP. I will help you rid them little 10lbs in a few days!

The RAMP what is the RAMP?

[babybunny 2]

I have found it seems really important to have a date... on the calendar... to look for. So this is either a trip you will take, or an interview date.. something like this.

Very very true.

One other thing that helps me a lot is working out and practising yoga. It clears my mind.

I’m glad some one mentioned it. I’m really not an exercise person and I have been thinking of yoga. My husband suggested it to me a few times for the same reason you do it. He said it would help me relax because I’m always thinking and thinking and pondering why why why...... My hubby loves martial arts he used to practice Thai boxing back in the days. Now he just does Thai chi to help him relax. I know that there are different types of yoga practices, what kind of yoga do you suggest for a beginner? I guess it would be a great idea to clear the mind and stay in shape at the same time. People have told me that yoga is great to stay fit and trust me I really need to get rid of 10 pounds.

come to work with me on the RAMP. I will help you rid them little 10lbs in a few days!

The RAMP what is the RAMP?

the flight line. you know where plans take off and land? come with me and work in the belly of the plane..you will do more by 8am .. than most do all day..lol

Edited February 12, 2007 by babybunny