Husband hates texas

[Kiv 32]

I would recommend you to do what is best for you and for your daughter, and wait a bit longer before making big changes in your life. It may be part of his adjustment.

If he comes to NJ-NY area, yes he will find more Dominicans, I live here with many of them, 2 of my best friends are Dominicans. When I go back home I use some words that my family don't recognize and I know is my friends fault. so he may get used to the Mexican Spanish some day.

Generalizations are Generally wrong, is wrong to judge people based on stereotypes, but when you don't know much about a place or a group of people is easier to follow one or 2 stereotypes that than it is to travel and really know how people lives in another culture, not everything is as we see on TV.

I think you and I know not all the Americans are the same, why is it difficult to believe that not all Mexicans, or Haitians are.

If he moves to NJ-NY area and he does not like the cold, he may miss Texas in January and February.

[rlogan 2,036]

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can.

Classic manipulative behavior: they refuse counseling because counselors will not tolerate abusive behavior.

He is using the double bind quite effectively on you, and that's one of them (we have catastrophic problems but I refuse counseling). The double bind is a situation where no matter what you do, you lose. Claiming he hates Mexicans and wants to move to New York where there are more Dominicans, except New York is cold and he will be miserable... it is another no-win situation.

The purpose of the double bind is to wear down the target with stress, confusion, and feeling helpless. That makes you easier to manipulate.

Think about how bad you feel. Multiply by three after the green card comes. They're chameleons who are on their best behavior while courting, becoming the ideal mate for you. You have already seen some extremely nasty bigotry come out since he arrived, but the lack of a green card is still holding back the dam on the worst.

[JohnR! 5,495]

You should consider moving to Antarctica. Considering the breadth of his prejudice, he'll be miserable anywhere in this country.

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Sometimes he says he wants to live in ny, or nj where the dominicans are. I have a teen in school so i cant just pack up and move. I also own my house and have a really good job. Sometimes he says he wants a divorce because he feels like he is in a prison. And because i mess up and speak mexican spanish he calls me a mexican, or a mexican lover. Then the next day he tells me he loves me and that we will never be divorced because he promised God that it was forever...

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can. I just wish he was less racist and less hateful.

[ExPatty 502]

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

If you're lucky, he's telling the truth. He sounds like a real piece of work. He won't get better. Don't move for him. It would be a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake.

Am I right that your daughter doesn't much care for him? Yes, I am, despite you not even mentioning it. He sounds like a mistake that you can still correct. My guess is you already know what you should do, as do all those in your life who are probably telling you the very same thing.

[jyaku 138]

Just withdraw your i-864 today and file for a divorce like NOW!. Then tell him you're filing for divorce and withdrawing the AOS application for his green card. It's up to him if he wants to stay here illegally or go back to Domincan Rep.

The ball is in his court then for him, what he wants to do.

You have your peace of mind and are no longer liable for him.. Clearly when you married, you wanted to be happy but you're anything but being accused of loving mexicans/ cubans and what not. It's one thing if it's jealousy over another guy and he's protective of you (which can be reasoned with) but this is beyond reproach.

[mallafri76 1,012]

How about instead of him complaining about your Spanish, he learns English?!?

Sorry to hear about your marriage problems. I understand how difficult it is to move far away from home and to a new country and culture but being racist and refuse to deal with certain people isn't gonna make the transition any easier. And he knew you'd have to stay in Texas due to your kid still being in school so why is he even making an issue out of that?!

Houston's a huge city, surely there must be some small Dominican community. And if he had a Dominican friend that moved to Texas, why did he end contact with him?! Midland is an hour and a half by plane from Houston, he could fly up to visit the friend on a weekend or something.

[blest.but.strest 50]

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Sometimes he says he wants to live in ny, or nj where the dominicans are. I have a teen in school so i cant just pack up and move. I also own my house and have a really good job. Sometimes he says he wants a divorce because he feels like he is in a prison. And because i mess up and speak mexican spanish he calls me a mexican, or a mexican lover. Then the next day he tells me he loves me and that we will never be divorced because he promised God that it was forever...

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can. I just wish he was less racist and less hateful.

It is sad to see that your husband, a black person from Dominican Republic is racist against Haitians and Mexican, Haitian and Mexican people have the same ancestral background as him. Some parts of DR people like him (black people) are victim of racial profiling, it is ironic he is the one being racist towards people here in the US. Racism is ignorance and most racist people don't contribute much positivity to society and are very hard to change, so if it is a problem now, it will most probably still be a problem later. You should also be worried about your husbands racist views being passed on to your teen, teens are like sponges and absorb things they hear and see very easily.

After reading a few more of your posts, I see that you went thru a K-1, so if he came to the USA for you why is he so worried about being with other Dominicans, he should be happy to be with his loving wife, wherever she lives. Feels like he might have another agenda, and if he often gets angry at you, you should worry.

My questions to you is, does he have a GC yet? if not where does he stand immigration wise?

Edited March 12, 2015 by blest.but.strest

[amartins 11]

[S_R 148]

Sounds childish to me.

[Eric & Idalia 56]

I am sorry to hear this, for you (being with a person like that I bet it is hard) and also for him. I am sorry he thinks being Mexican is a race and that all Mexicans want to cross the border illegally. That is not true. Here in VJ there are many people who are following the laws (including myself) and we are Mexicans.

I know it is hard to adjust a new culture (Actually I do know. I lived in USA some years). But USA is a country with many cultures from different people. He should better get the best of it instead of hating it. He is making the adaptation process harder for himself. You can help him, but not do it for him.

Do not accept that behavior to be passed to your kids.

[Fan_Dancer 171]

It is hard for you guys to understand how smaller countries interract. Generally, there are regional likes and dislikes. There are all over Europe, Germany and France are a prime example of it.

If it matters, it seems the entire Central America really doesn't like Mexicans.

[UnaMexicana 153]

You need to think about yourself and your child first. Is this the kind of person you want your child to associate with and learn from?

I am sorry about the situation... but you said so yourself: You have a great job, you have a home, you have a kid. You have it all, so I don't see a reason for you to put up with all this %$$&%&/ from a man that is behaving so suspiciously.

My advice? Move on.

Best,

UnaMexicana

[-Shana- 152]

So he moved to America and hoped to find Dominicans everywhere? Is he stupid? Before you move to a different country you have to accept that you are living your countrymen behind, if that's a huge issue then he shouldn't have immigrated. Sure you can find communities to feel like you're not alone, but if you move to a new country you should embrace the lifestyle and the people that live there. Not sit and sulk because there aren't more people like you there. It's why moving abroad just isn't for everyone.

In all seriousness though, I'm sorry you're going through this. You're seeing a nasty, racist side to the man you married and that is devastating. You should ask yourself - do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who is racist and threatens to leave you unless you make huge life changes to satisfy him? It really does sound like a deal breaker to me. Really think about your life and the life of your kid and your future, because it doesn't sound like he deserves to be apart of that. A lot of people on here will say "just divorce him" like it's the easiest thing in the world, but it takes a lot of courage to take that step, but you can do it. Just keep in mind what is best for you. You shouldn't live in fear of what he might do next, that isn't a life to live.

[Harmon-y 32]

What a difficult situation! It can be hard to know what behavior to accept and what not to accept. My husband is from El Salvador and was not very trusting of many Mexicans when we first got married because of girlfriends in the past as well as the treatment that Central Americans receive by SOME Mexicans. However, there are no other Salvadorean families where we live (the last family moved last year). That, in addition to getting to know some really amazing Mexican friends at church and work, he never mentions anything of the sort anymore. It maybe something that your husband can change. However, there are some red flags from your husband that make me feel like your situation may not have the same end as mine. When I used "Mexican" Spanish around my husband, he was only excited to have me speak Spanish in general and didn't try to push my to speak "Salvadoran" style. He also did not use derogatory terms or focus on hating Mexican people. He never threatened me in order to try to have me move. In fact, when he learned that I can't stand big cities he completely removed moving New Orleans or Miami from his mind, even though they have more food and culture that he is used to. I have also tried on my part to make more Salvadoran dishes as opposed to the Mexican style that I knew.

Your situation needs addressed a lot sooner than mind did however with a child involved. Please don't move for him; I agree that he will not be happy where ever he is until he learns to accept the cultural differences and be more accepting of people who are kind of like you instead of JUST like you. Your child deserves to stay put if that is where you are set up. And maybe find out how the behavior is affecting your teenager - the worst thing would be to have them learn racist behaviors. A separation may be necessary - take some time to think about if you REALLY think this will get better or if you just hope it will. If you let yourself be honest and not make the decision based on fear, you will know what you need to do.

[David & Diana R 1,005]

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Sometimes he says he wants to live in ny, or nj where the dominicans are. I have a teen in school so i cant just pack up and move. I also own my house and have a really good job. Sometimes he says he wants a divorce because he feels like he is in a prison. And because i mess up and speak mexican spanish he calls me a mexican, or a mexican lover. Then the next day he tells me he loves me and that we will never be divorced because he promised God that it was forever...

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can. I just wish he was less racist and less hateful.

The guy you married, with all due respect is an id*^t! Let him go to DR. Ironic that he is such a racist. He is not grateful to be in the USA!? NY or New Jersey? The guy has not idea...

Let it go...let him go...