Family has "withdrawal" issues

[Cielle.Cielle 4]

So I'm going to advise something a little different to most others here based on my own experience.

I am an only child who had an amazingly close relationship with my parents. I was very worried before I moved about how they would cope with the distance. So I talked a lot about it with my husband before I moved and we agreed that we would make sure we could all see as much of each other as possible.

For the first four years I was in America, my parents came over for two to three trips each year (each trip was 2-3 weeks) and I went back to the UK for 2-3 trips each year (each trip was 3-4 weeks). In years 3 and 4 I was travelling back with my little baby girl so we even stayed for a month or more at time in the UK and my parents did at least one trip of 4-5 weeks each year and 2 smaller 2-week trips.

So we got to see each other every couple of months for extended periods at a time.

The caveat is that when you are doing regular trips like that they are NOT vacations.

So after the first few trips when my parents came over they did not expect to be treated like a visitor - they were just there to be with us. They cooked, did their own laundry etc. My husband and I didn't take vacation time - we went to work. My parents brought a stack of books and read and hung out in our home. Or went for walks or did their own day trips etc.

When I went to the UK for a month I was the same - I worked (remotely) and just lived a basic life with them.

Four years after I moved to the US my Mum was diagnosed with a late stage, fast progressing cancer - she died three months later.

I mention this simply because you never know what is going to happen. I am so thankful that we did spend as much time as money and personal situation allowed.

If your mother-in-law can fund her own visit - why not? Let your wife make it clear that it cannot be a traditional vacation and just enjoy being with her and getting to know her. If she can be with you and see how hard you work and can begin to understand how different employment rule and benefits are to Europe, she will be more sympathetic and understanding when you tell her you can't keep flying over to see her.

I think that this is great advice, and I really hope the OP reads it. Thank you for sharing your story.

[raven52 233]

I am sure this goes on to a certain extent in all cases, like.,.,. K-1's where a loved one leaves there country, and for extended amounts of times.

I agree with NLR, as to me, it is the daughter's place to explain to ""HER"" mother, what is practicable, and what is not.

I think the new wife, needs to be "on board" with the husband's view, and be 100% behind her husband, as the way the situation is explained, the husband makes a lot of sense.

[skooter85 7]

So I'm going to advise something a little different to most others here based on my own experience.

I am an only child who had an amazingly close relationship with my parents. I was very worried before I moved about how they would cope with the distance. So I talked a lot about it with my husband before I moved and we agreed that we would make sure we could all see as much of each other as possible.

For the first four years I was in America, my parents came over for two to three trips each year (each trip was 2-3 weeks) and I went back to the UK for 2-3 trips each year (each trip was 3-4 weeks). In years 3 and 4 I was travelling back with my little baby girl so we even stayed for a month or more at time in the UK and my parents did at least one trip of 4-5 weeks each year and 2 smaller 2-week trips.

So we got to see each other every couple of months for extended periods at a time.

The caveat is that when you are doing regular trips like that they are NOT vacations.

So after the first few trips when my parents came over they did not expect to be treated like a visitor - they were just there to be with us. They cooked, did their own laundry etc. My husband and I didn't take vacation time - we went to work. My parents brought a stack of books and read and hung out in our home. Or went for walks or did their own day trips etc.

When I went to the UK for a month I was the same - I worked (remotely) and just lived a basic life with them.

Four years after I moved to the US my Mum was diagnosed with a late stage, fast progressing cancer - she died three months later.

I mention this simply because you never know what is going to happen. I am so thankful that we did spend as much time as money and personal situation allowed.

If your mother-in-law can fund her own visit - why not? Let your wife make it clear that it cannot be a traditional vacation and just enjoy being with her and getting to know her. If she can be with you and see how hard you work and can begin to understand how different employment rule and benefits are to Europe, she will be more sympathetic and understanding when you tell her you can't keep flying over to see her.

Wow, this seriously helps.

We had a nice long talk today (my wife and I) and decided exactly that - my MIL is of course, more than welcome to visit anytime. The fact that I cannot take time off will be stated and yeah, I think this is a disconnect between the fact that she gets 5 weeks off of work in her country and I do not. Hopefully she will understand this.

I think someone mentioned I was selfish or something in a previous post - not sure who or why - but perhaps this helps explain the situation better - we just wrapped up the K-1 stuff last year and have been working at getting my wife her green card, work permit, etc - so it's been a process. In the meantime, she's been enrolled in the local college so that she has something to do and of course I've introduced her to friends and stuff. Of COURSE I am very thankful I have a loving wife who moved all the way here for me, but I would hope you understand that there are two sides to any relationship, and that sacrifices were made on both sides to make this happen! No regrets ever, but the notion that I am some self serving, selfish American taking the poor helpless European away from their home unwillingly and ungratefully is a little disrespectful in my opinion.

As for the driver's license, of course that will happen, but as she doesn't have a Social yet and she's never driven in her life, this wasn't something that could happen immediately. I'm sure there are others here who were in similar situations.

Thankfully, with the EAD approved we can get her a SSC and everything will be smooth sailing from there!

And as always, thank you so much everyone for your input. It's really eased the stress over here.

Edited March 10, 2015 by skooter85

[Karam and Jamie 44]

Yes, my husband's family doesn't seem to understand that we cannot just fly to the middle east at the drop of a hat. Plane fare is minimum $1500 each person, an easy $600-$700 more per person in the summer. We have already visited Jordan TWICE in the 2 and a half years he has been in the US. His family is quite upset that we are not going this year. We bought a house last June and we need to put money into fencing the yard, updating the kitchen and a thousand other things. Not to mention the fact that I have a son in college, his tuition is upwards of 40k a year and I get no help from his father(his father is my ex husband). My husband's family is very wealthy and they just don't understand that for us to take a vacation to visit will be a MINIMUM of 6-7k and that isn't even bringing the kids. And they don't understand that at the moment, the middle east isn't exactly the safest place for Americans to travel, especially since my kids and I are Catholic. As much as I love my husband's family, they just don't "get" the financial burden it would place upon us. His sister is dong the passive aggressive thing with me, as well. *sigh*

Since they make so much money your husband should tell his parents if they want you to visit so bad then they should pay haha!!!

[TBoneTX 45,324]

OP, if you're ready to close this thread (as it sounds), hit the "report" button and request it.

If you'd like it remain open, say so here or do nothing.

[Brewlin 52]

When my Swedes came to visit me, my husband worked. It was no more or less than that and my relatives biked around on their own. I got nothing for ya, good luck. LOL

[Udella&Wiz 325]

This really great advice - when I go back home I don't expect my parents to drop everything either (mind you they're retired but still...). When they cam to the US they toodled around by themselves and did day trip and hung out with their then highschool aged granddaughter. When I head back home I work remotely from my parents kitchen table

I also have several friends from India who will take all their yearly vacation in one 4 week allottment in order to be able to take a decent length trip - they may get to go once a year or every 1-2 years due to the distance and expense.

So I'm going to advise something a little different to most others here based on my own experience.

I am an only child who had an amazingly close relationship with my parents. I was very worried before I moved about how they would cope with the distance. So I talked a lot about it with my husband before I moved and we agreed that we would make sure we could all see as much of each other as possible.

For the first four years I was in America, my parents came over for two to three trips each year (each trip was 2-3 weeks) and I went back to the UK for 2-3 trips each year (each trip was 3-4 weeks). In years 3 and 4 I was travelling back with my little baby girl so we even stayed for a month or more at time in the UK and my parents did at least one trip of 4-5 weeks each year and 2 smaller 2-week trips.

So we got to see each other every couple of months for extended periods at a time.

The caveat is that when you are doing regular trips like that they are NOT vacations.

So after the first few trips when my parents came over they did not expect to be treated like a visitor - they were just there to be with us. They cooked, did their own laundry etc. My husband and I didn't take vacation time - we went to work. My parents brought a stack of books and read and hung out in our home. Or went for walks or did their own day trips etc.

When I went to the UK for a month I was the same - I worked (remotely) and just lived a basic life with them.

Four years after I moved to the US my Mum was diagnosed with a late stage, fast progressing cancer - she died three months later.

I mention this simply because you never know what is going to happen. I am so thankful that we did spend as much time as money and personal situation allowed.

If your mother-in-law can fund her own visit - why not? Let your wife make it clear that it cannot be a traditional vacation and just enjoy being with her and getting to know her. If she can be with you and see how hard you work and can begin to understand how different employment rule and benefits are to Europe, she will be more sympathetic and understanding when you tell her you can't keep flying over to see her.