I am pissed off!^&*@%

[Henia 11]

Esalaam Hello and Salut

So, I am sitting here reading email after email from a friend in Europe, who is giving me Hadith after Hadith about being seperated from my husband. We all know this one; not to be seperated from our husband more then 4months, lest the eyes may wonder and after a 4month seperation there is a divorce by default. #######... come ladies give me some support on this. This is just BS. I donnot appreciate my so-called-friends advice, esp since I did not ask for it. I know we *should* not be seperated from our spouses, but come on it is not like we want to be. And since it was discussed before hand, this does not apply. Anyone have any supporting information here or just want rant and rage with me?

This is a serious thread, not a joke, so I would appreciate no sarcastic comments, comments aimed to hurt or point fingers.... just cold hard evidence/information and some support. We are all in the same nasty boat. We all need support.

PS: Also rude comments from family and friends regarding the seperation and/or marrying a ME/NA person can be posted here.

[Jenn! 918]

What has she suggested that you do?

[UmmSqueakster 54]

While I am not aware of the specific evidence that you were given, I would say that we could apply some reasoning here in that being seperated today is not like being seperated at the time of our Prophet (saws). Then, you had little or no communication. Here and now, we have webcams and voice chats. While we may be physically seperated, we're not completely seperated.

[Henia 11]

While I am not aware of the specific evidence that you were given, I would say that we could apply some reasoning here in that being seperated today is not like being seperated at the time of our Prophet (saws). Then, you had little or no communication. Here and now, we have webcams and voice chats. While we may be physically seperated, we're not completely seperated.

Yes of course my husband and I both work with common sense, but for*some* Muslims (Salafis) they take this Hadith to heart... Hmm I am trying to look for it now.

Where is Szsz with her Islamic knowledge?

Ihave no doubt my marriage is still valid, but I do want to get to the bottom of this fatwa or Hadith or whatever this is....

[doodlebug 3]

Well I've actually thought of this myself. I feel bad that my husband is alone without me there to *fill in the blanks*, you know? That is why I'm biting the bullet and going there in July, even though it will break my heart to go away from my kids again.

As far as rude comments from the family, I think I've pretty much heard them all. From my mother so far:

I've been asked if I'm going to bomb her town

When calling home from Cairo she told my family that I was obviously reading a script that they were holding up for me. (i wanna know who "they" are)

She was shocked when I mentioned the second income that will come in since she assumed he'd live off of me

She assumed he is uneducated

And my father assumes that he doesn't love me and is just coming here to get the visa.

[Henia 11]

I have heard it all too Doodle:

How much money is he giving me to bring him here?

Did he beat me?

Will he work?

How many wives does he have?

etc etc...

Most times does not bother me, but sometimes I am like #######

[brnidokiegurl 0]

It takes a strong person, and a strong relationship to withstand this process, we all do the best we can most wont understand, friends or family.

[Jenn! 918]

I find it really sad that so many family members and friends do not trust your judgement (this is the general you). If it were me, I would really take that personally. It would make me feel like my family/friends must not think very highly of me if they think those sort of things about my future or current spouse.

[Private 1]

Wow, I am sorry to hear this from your friend. I know of the hadiths however like someone said it is not the same. And so what get married again and again and again and again. You just got back like a month ago right? So what is the problem. Sometimes you have to check your friends.

[Henia 11]

It takes a strong person, and a strong relationship to withstand this process, we all do the best we can most wont understand, friends or family.

No, you are right brinidokiegurl, they donnot understand. If they did they would not make it worse.

Jenn: I take it personally, too... People who know me (my family) should know better...understand how I am and know I would only pick a mate suitable to me. But I guess they like to compare and my husband is like my ex. !

[doodlebug 3]

I find it really sad that so many family members and friends do not trust your judgement (this is the general you). If it were me, I would really take that personally. It would make me feel like my family/friends must not think very highly of me if they think those sort of things about my future or current spouse.

Oh I definitely take it personally!!

Then after five minutes I consider the source. My family could win the dysfunctional family of the year award and basically when I go to make a decision, I think....hmmmmm...what would they tell me to do.....then I do the opposite!!!

[~kiyah~ 14]

While I am not aware of the specific evidence that you were given, I would say that we could apply some reasoning here in that being seperated today is not like being seperated at the time of our Prophet (saws). Then, you had little or no communication. Here and now, we have webcams and voice chats. While we may be physically seperated, we're not completely seperated.

I absolutely agree with Rahma's comments on this. Being separated today is not like being separated during the time of our Prophet Muhammed (PBUH).

I don't think it is right for a "friend" to say the things they are saying by quoting Hadith on this. I think I would feel they are being judgemental. It's not like you have any choice but to be separated...we're in the middle of immigration, we have no choice. While we are physically separated, we are not totally separated.

I certainaly would be telling this to my friend...what if they were in your shoes, would they feel the same?

~Kiyah~

Edited February 5, 2007 by Kiya

[Together4ever 1]

I want to add another not-so-negative side to this, if no one minds. My parents particulary were very nervous about Mohammed in the beginning. They held the same stereotypes listed here. But since they've been interacting with him regularly now and see who he really is, he delights them to no end. He completely blew the doors off of what they expected. My mother has gone to so far to say she finds ethics and morals in him and his way with me that are fresh and hard to find.

You won't win everyone over. Some people are very happy with the paradigms they have and won't change them to suit anyone. But over time, others will find their eyes opened to WHY you love your man. Its hard to be thick skinned but hold onto what you KNOW and leave others to their opinions.

ETA: Separation of the body has nothing to do with separation of the heart and mind. Commitment is commitment.

Edited February 5, 2007 by Together4ever

[Jenn! 918]

You won't win everyone over. Some people are very happy with the paradigms they have and won't change them to suit anyone. But over time, others will find their eyes opened to WHY you love your man. Its hard to be thick skinned but hold onto what you KNOW and leave others to their opinions.

Maybe this is cynical of me, but personally I don't think I would bother to give others the benefit of time to open their eyes if they made it clear in the beginning that they did not trust my choice. I think I would cut them out. Of course, this could just be a whole lot of talk on my part, since fortunately I did not have to deal with negativity about my relationship.

Edited February 5, 2007 by jenn3539

[Together4ever 1]

Nah, I didn't mean pry their eyes open. If they don't want to see, I agree, forget about them.