Fiancé cancelled wedding, but still wants me to stay?!?!!?

[cappucino boy 29]

Wow this is really sad, I feel for you.....you changed and gave up your whole life to come over here and this happens....I just don't get it. After all that work, time and energy that was put in for the visa it doesn't make much, (really any after what many of us at VJ have gone through), sense. Your guy, (and I put it lightly) needs a wake up call or a slap. You my dear sound like a wonderful person and am very sorry this is happening to you. You should take what money you were going to invest in the wedding/car and run away from here or start traveling the world there's a man out there who is right for you, that will make your heart sing, befuddle your senses and think that you walk on water a guy who can look into our eyes and not be afraid to cry because of the beautiful woman that you have become and whom wants to spend the rest of his life.

Heck, if you were here on the west coast I'd watch your little darling cat while you're gone!

[NikLR 13,227]

don't give up. Make a life for yourself in the USA. Write down a list of goals that you would like to accomplish within 3-5 years in the USA. At the end of those 3-5 years, if you are still stuck then go back to Australia. Who knows. You may fall in love again. Whatever you do, I suggest trying to make a life without him here and see how it goes!

This can't happen. The OP came to the USA on a K1 visa. Unless she marries the petitioner, she cannot adjust her status or have a life in the USA. After the 90 days are up she is no longer lawfully present in the USA for the visa she was admitted for.

---

OP I feel for you I really do. Especially since more has come to light. I agree with Teddy!

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Sounds like he is majorly lacking in maturity to do this to you when you moved to the US for him. Sorry that this has happened to you, I agree with Mimolicious that you should try and get to the root of the problem but if he won't do anything then sounds like you are much better without him.

[raven52 233]

A very sad story!

I am not a woman, but I would ask this man, to tell me when he wants to sit down and have a "heart to heart" talk, and "face to face".,.,.about 6 feet away at the most. (Watch his eyes, if his eyes constantly shift, glancing, here and there when answering your questions, he is lying)

Make a list of no more than 5 questions, that hits him the hardest about his intentions.

I would not use any words like "lied to me" or things like that, (do not antagonize him) if you do this, "YOU will know who he is and if he just has "cold feet," or "is it something else." Do this "interview, no distractions, no TV, no people around, no music, JUST quite.

I am well.,..,"experienced," and any time I gave one of my two previous wives, the stuff, you are getting, "I WAS always into something I should not be in!

I learned, the hard way with one previous, and was shown the "hard way" by the other, now have a great marriage to a great gal!

We had a beautiful wedding, 100 guests, food entertainment, and all for about 2500.00.,.,., if he, NOT YOU, cannot put that much into it..,follow some of my fellow members suggestions, on how to escape, and start over, I know its hard, I did it, you can to!

Please, follow up with a "turn out post" (how things went).,.,. we are all behind you, and support you, please let us know if we were of any help!

I feel so bad for you, you will get my prayers tonight, for sure!

[Ontarkie 14,229]

Do you think he would file the paper work with you for your adjustment if you did get married?

Their have been a few women on here who's fiance did something similar. The guy promised they would get married and do AOS, after the 90 days the guy either never married them and/or never filed AOS that left the women stuck with a ban returning home.

If you have any doubt then go home, it's a lot easier to work on your relationship from home if it was meant to be then dealing with a mess and divorce.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Ontarkie

[xgrnberet1 19]

$2K wedding, is it possible? my wife and I had the judge came to the house, and "git it done", with 2 neighbors as witness, and living happily ever after.

[Ilovemyman 147]

All i can see here, it is that he doesnt have the money for a big wedding, he wants get marry with you, but he doesnt want a big wedding.

You say that you dont want just go to the corthouse and get marry for the paperwork, but let me tell you something if for you it is more important a big wedding that be with you love, then the person who has the problem here it is you.

If you love him, you just get marry without celebrating.

Big wedding isnt important, the important thing is be with the person who you love.

You have the problem with the wedding because you want a big wedding, if you love him just get marry as he says : go to the courthouse and sing a paper, a marriage is between 2 people, a lot of people or a big celebration arent needed.

My fiancé cancelled our wedding a few days ago, and I have no idea what to do.

He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, and that him telling his parents, siblings, and other relatives that the wedding is off is just a "misunderstanding". But how does someone "accidentally" cancel their wedding, without realising that's what they're doing?!?

He has been apathetic about our wedding from the start; like I wasn't able to convince him to do ANYTHING to help organise it -- not even things I truly can't do for him like the guest list (ie working out who he wanted to invite!) Over the last six months, we've had soooo many arguments where I got upset and said, "honey, if you don't help me with [major wedding thing like venue / celebrant / invites], there won't be a wedding"... and not one single one of those things got done. There wasn't anything to cancel, really, because nothing at all was booked, and not even a Save the Date had been sent! (I couldn't get it all done alone from the opposite side of the world, as its a small town where everything is done through word of mouth and prior relationships, and I'm an outsider and don't know who to go to for things, if that makes sense.)

Honestly, we're not even properly engaged. I really wanted to announce our engagement back in Australia so I could have an engagement party with my friends and loved ones at least, since most can't come to a wedding in the US. But he told me we had to wait because when his grandmother died she left her engagement ring to him and insisted it be used when he got engaged. He promised that we'd get engaged for real as soon as we got back to the U.S. so he could honor his grandmother's dying wish, and of course I agreed... but we've been back a month now, and we're still not actually engaged. And that's just one example; he's made so many promises and kept zero so far.

I want to go home to Australia and be done with all his BS, because even though I still love him, I just can't take any more. Plus the trust is gone now, and I don't think that's a good way to start a marriage. But every time I say so, he begs me to stay and tells me we can still have the life we'd planned over here. He wants me to go to the courthouse to get legally married but I don't want a pretend, 'just for the paperwork' marriage, and if he'd told me that's what I was getting into I wouldn't have moved here.

But it's all complicated by the fact that I don't have a life to go back to there now, as I wound up my business, gave up my apartment, got rid of most of my furniture and household items, and shipped the few things I still own (my most treasured possessions) when I left to start my 'new life' here with him. Even my cat is here in the US with me, and Aussie quarantine laws mean I won't be able to move her back home for at least six months, but I have to leave within two months so I won't be here to get her ready to travel. (I know lots of people don't understand being so attached to an animal, but my cat is family and leaving her behind would be heartbreaking for me. And I'm already pretty heartbroken over the wedding.) I don't have any family I can move in with back in Australia, so I'd be starting over back there with nowhere to go and no possessions beside the clothes and gadgets in my suitcase, as the few things I shipped won't arrive in the US for at least 2-3 months, and then it'll be another 3 months or so to ship it back again. Plus transporting me + my stuff + my cat back home again will be another $5-6K, and I just paid that much to move over here!

I gave up my old life to be with him, so going back means starting over again, and I just did that here a month ago. I'm tired, I'm out a lot of money, and I'm heartbroken that he'd cancel our wedding.

I don't know what to do.

[NikLR 13,227]

I think the OP also has a problem with the fact NONE of his family knew they were even engaged. I'm not sure what "properly" engaged means, but I assume it means he gave her some hardware for her ring finger?

However I agree, a courthouse wedding is not a pretend wedding and the OP and her fiancé have different ideas about what they want for a wedding. Getting married and being married are two different things. If the first one matters more than the other, then maybe this isn't the person for you.

Edited January 12, 2015 by NLR

[Ortolan 381]

I'm so sorry this seems to be turning out badly for you. Is the big problem the wedding itself? Or more things? The idea that he'd tell his family "The wedding is off" is a little upsetting and weird...why didn't he just say "We're going to downsize and do it a lot smaller"? It seems he's not quite thinking past a step or two, which would definitely give you pause. A more intimate, smaller wedding would cost a lot less; maybe you could compromise?

My husband and I were married at a 'courthouse' wedding and it was sweet and happy and pretty much cost-free except for a gratuity to the little judge and a fee for the license. There are other ways you can make it special; after all, it's for you and him, not for anyone else. I know a lot of people have this idea they need a big wedding and a big poofy dress, but you're not going to be any more married with a big wedding than a small one....and you'll have a lot more money left in the bank. The next day you'll just have thrown a big party...that's about it. You'll still be married, either way.

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

Honestly, I would go back to Australia. The fact that you gave up your business, apartment etc. You can establish that back, and in the meantime I'm sure your family and friends will help you out in any way they can. You'll have a lot quicker establishment again back at home than trying to do it here alone. Sounds to me your boyfriend/fiance/future husband is not keen of this relationship as much as you thought he would be. Sounds like he isn't too interested in a life long commitment to you and marry you. Why waste his time? But most importantly, why waste your time? You can go back home, re-establish your living (with a few bumps but that's everywhere, even here in the US) and move on. You're at the better stages right now to do this, than a year down the road or when you guys would have to go through the interview and all that just to show how you guys married in good faith, but by that time things go so awry between you too that you'll regret you spent more than a $1000 just to file any kind of papers, let alone another bunch of $$$ for the "past" wedding. Think about it! Right now, you still lose a lot less than later down the road...your cat will survive that 6 months of quarantine, and you'll slowly and gradually will re-establish your life in Australia and in the long run will be cheaper to do that, and hecka lot less painful. Sounds to me this guy isn't interested in a long term commitment to you, so let him go. You cannot "force" someone into a relationship. All the best!

My fiancé cancelled our wedding a few days ago, and I have no idea what to do.

He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, and that him telling his parents, siblings, and other relatives that the wedding is off is just a "misunderstanding". But how does someone "accidentally" cancel their wedding, without realising that's what they're doing?!?

He has been apathetic about our wedding from the start; like I wasn't able to convince him to do ANYTHING to help organise it -- not even things I truly can't do for him like the guest list (ie working out who he wanted to invite!) Over the last six months, we've had soooo many arguments where I got upset and said, "honey, if you don't help me with [major wedding thing like venue / celebrant / invites], there won't be a wedding"... and not one single one of those things got done. There wasn't anything to cancel, really, because nothing at all was booked, and not even a Save the Date had been sent! (I couldn't get it all done alone from the opposite side of the world, as its a small town where everything is done through word of mouth and prior relationships, and I'm an outsider and don't know who to go to for things, if that makes sense.)

Honestly, we're not even properly engaged. I really wanted to announce our engagement back in Australia so I could have an engagement party with my friends and loved ones at least, since most can't come to a wedding in the US. But he told me we had to wait because when his grandmother died she left her engagement ring to him and insisted it be used when he got engaged. He promised that we'd get engaged for real as soon as we got back to the U.S. so he could honor his grandmother's dying wish, and of course I agreed... but we've been back a month now, and we're still not actually engaged. And that's just one example; he's made so many promises and kept zero so far.

I want to go home to Australia and be done with all his BS, because even though I still love him, I just can't take any more. Plus the trust is gone now, and I don't think that's a good way to start a marriage. But every time I say so, he begs me to stay and tells me we can still have the life we'd planned over here. He wants me to go to the courthouse to get legally married but I don't want a pretend, 'just for the paperwork' marriage, and if he'd told me that's what I was getting into I wouldn't have moved here.

But it's all complicated by the fact that I don't have a life to go back to there now, as I wound up my business, gave up my apartment, got rid of most of my furniture and household items, and shipped the few things I still own (my most treasured possessions) when I left to start my 'new life' here with him. Even my cat is here in the US with me, and Aussie quarantine laws mean I won't be able to move her back home for at least six months, but I have to leave within two months so I won't be here to get her ready to travel. (I know lots of people don't understand being so attached to an animal, but my cat is family and leaving her behind would be heartbreaking for me. And I'm already pretty heartbroken over the wedding.) I don't have any family I can move in with back in Australia, so I'd be starting over back there with nowhere to go and no possessions beside the clothes and gadgets in my suitcase, as the few things I shipped won't arrive in the US for at least 2-3 months, and then it'll be another 3 months or so to ship it back again. Plus transporting me + my stuff + my cat back home again will be another $5-6K, and I just paid that much to move over here!

I gave up my old life to be with him, so going back means starting over again, and I just did that here a month ago. I'm tired, I'm out a lot of money, and I'm heartbroken that he'd cancel our wedding.

I don't know what to do.

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

hmm...we borrowed a key from the nearby church and asked the bishop to marry us in the back garden of the church. We ordered about 30 sandwiches from Beach Deli for the 25-30 people, bought about 5 boxes of raspberry (my favorite) and put like 5-6 piece into small SOLO cups. Then bought paper plates, napkin. The whole thing probably cost about $250 or $300 the most. And does my husband regret it wasn't a bigger one? No. Do I regret that we didn't have a bigger one? No. It was the best day of our lives, and we often look at the pictures our relatives took (no official photographer or anything) and smile how great day that was.

$2K wedding, is it possible? my wife and I had the judge came to the house, and "git it done", with 2 neighbors as witness, and living happily ever after.

[msbau764 245]

hmm...we borrowed a key from the nearby church and asked the bishop to marry us in the back garden of the church. We ordered about 30 sandwiches from Beach Deli for the 25-30 people, bought about 5 boxes of raspberry (my favorite) and put like 5-6 piece into small SOLO cups. Then bought paper plates, napkin. The whole thing probably cost about $250 or $300 the most. And does my husband regret it wasn't a bigger one? No. Do I regret that we didn't have a bigger one? No. It was the best day of our lives, and we often look at the pictures our relatives took (no official photographer or anything) and smile how great day that was.

Beautiful. Just beautiful. Did you see that article which showed that couples that spend $20,000 or more on a wedding were more likely to get divorced? You did it just right!

[AnotherLostSoul 167]

Awe, thanks msbau764. I guess we're then locked up for sure. Funny thing is, we have not once got into any levels of argument. We just always seem to find a happy medium that works for both of us. Anyway, don't want to hijack the topic...sorry OP.

Beautiful. Just beautiful. Did you see that article which showed that couples that spend $20,000 or more on a wedding were more likely to get divorced? You did it just right!

[TBoneTX 45,319]

The OP hasn't logged on to VJ since January 9. Perhaps we should wait for her return before posting anything more.

[Morningmist 76]

" He wants me to go to the courthouse to get legally married but I don't want a pretend, 'just for the paperwork' marriage"

Meh. I tried to do all the planning because my then fiance didn't want to deal with it and somewhere between week 1 and 3 of planning, decided to h311 with it and we went to the courthouse and got married. It was VERY real to both of us. Maybe that;s what he wants. Just the two of you, meaning what you say in front of a celebrante or judge or priest. So many people have weddings and not marriages.