Sending me home in the middle of AOS application

[Pitaya 2,577]

~Moved from Fam.-based AOS to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Similar topics are often discussed at this forum~

[VOL 425]

Go back home, your record won't show bad to effect travel to Singapore or other countries.

Good Luck.....

[chaves88 1]

Well, honestly. I don't want to go back and face everybody with this embarrassing situation I have. I wanted to work this marriage really but I am not sure if it is workable if my husband thinks bad about me..but anyway, thank you for the response Vol.

[Darnell 8,479]

I'm suggesting that he's lashing out at you because he's stressed out about something else, and he's in pain about something else.

It's not that you can help him with that, to solve it, but I mention it so that you can see a bit more.

Stress and Pain are both bad things - surely he truly doesn't want to 'lose' you but something else is going on, causing him much stress. As to the pain, it might be a long-held pain, remanifesting itself anew, or it's coming to the surface because of a huge 'life-change' that occured recently.

So, I really think, his anger is misdirected - something else is stressing him, really.

Many people seek and strive for happiness after the marriage date, can you think of anything that might be preventing him, or hampering him, from simply standing up and being happy around you ? I'd know I'd be happy, if my wife was in front of me, face to face.

Edited December 27, 2014 by Darnell

[chaves88 1]

Hmm, I am not sure but I think it is about his failed marriage before. Everything we have arguments he always insert that I am like his ex wife. Other reason is that, I think it is because the fact that I hate living in the truck. He said that he want somebody who will stay with him in the truck for like 10 years, until he reach his retirement age. I told him before I came here that We shall see since I really don't know how I will feel living in the truck, now that I already know and he didn't like it. I don't want to pretend or lie to him just to make him happy. I told him it hurts to know but that is the truth. I just can't stand living in the truck. He also strongly believe that I will leave him or divorce him if I have a job..these are just my idea.

[Torete 121]

OP,

Just my opinion FWIW, but hurling insults, cursing, and physically assaulting you (as you say) are not signs of a healthy, mutual, and loving relationship. That can't be true love could it?

If I treated my wife in a similar fashion, I would hope she would be smart enough to leave/divorce me. To return may be embarrassing, but that too will fade. Those that love and care about you will see you through that. The pain of embarrassment is nothing compared to the pain of being physically assaulted.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, return home or stay in the US. I feel badly for you.

[chaves88 1]

I feel bad for myself too but I guess I just have to make a decision. Am I being coward if I will just go back home? Or I have to be brave enough to fight for this marriage? I mean, in spite of hearing this words from him "he knows that the future will be leaving him or divorce him when I get a job and that I shouldn't expect that he would spend his money to get what I want which is transferring my degree, get a job and stay in a house..away from him since he will be still driving until he reach retirement age.

[Torete 121]

I feel bad for myself too but I guess I just have to make a decision. Am I being coward if I will just go back home? Or I have to be brave enough to fight for this marriage? I mean, in spite of hearing this words from him "he knows that the future will be leaving him or divorce him when I get a job and that I shouldn't expect that he would spend his money to get what I want which is transferring my degree, get a job and stay in a house..away from him since he will be still driving until he reach retirement age.

OP,

IMHO and FWIW, no, I don't think you'd be a coward. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth working on and saving. I can only imagine how difficult that decision would be.

Honestly, among other issues you've spoken of, (even what you write here) it doesn't seem like there is much trust and respect coming from him.

I don't say it to make you feel bad or judged, but even before my wife and I were married, I told her to I would expect her to leave me if I ever laid a hand on her...physically assaulted her...it's criminal among other things. I do hope you make the best decision for yourself. Love yourself first.

Edited December 27, 2014 by Torete

[chaves88 1]

I told him from the very beginning. I can deal with the screaming and yelling but never lay his hands on me. Even my drunk father never laid hands on us, so don't dare and expect I'll fight back. So I also did hurt him physically not just to defend myself but also to give him a message that I will fight no matter what. After the last time he laid his hands on me so far it didn't happened again. But I don't really think it won't happen again, it is just a matter of when and how. I am thinking about filing for VAWA but I don't have enough courage to do that. Two things in my mind, first.. just go back, why stay when what he thinks of me is just to get a citizenship..on the other hand, my mind says, I deserve to be here too. I already sacrificed the opportunity to extend my stay in Europe to be with him and stay in America. But I don't know, one thing is for sure.. I told him already that I will just go back home.

[Torete 121]

I told him from the very beginning. I can deal with the screaming and yelling but never lay his hands on me. Even my drunk father never laid hands on us, so don't dare and expect I'll fight back. So I also did hurt him physically not just to defend myself but also to give him a message that I will fight no matter what. After the last time he laid his hands on me so far it didn't happened again. But I don't really think it won't happen again, it is just a matter of when and how. I am thinking about filing for VAWA but I don't have enough courage to do that. Two things in my mind, first.. just go back, why stay when what he thinks of me is just to get a citizenship..on the other hand, my mind says, I deserve to be here too. I already sacrificed the opportunity to extend my stay in Europe to be with him and stay in America. But I don't know, one thing is for sure.. I told him already that I will just go back home.

Chaves88,

If you've decided, (your last sentence) let us know if/when you return home safely.

Regards.

Edited December 27, 2014 by Torete

[chaves88 1]

Thank you so much for taking your time reading and responding in my post. Whatever step I make, I'll make sure to let you know. It made me feel better to have some people to talk to.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

Darnell I travel around this Country every year (over 15 years) 20/30 times per year to give conference about domestic violence to counselors,social workers and psychologists, to provide them with information about what they can advise or not to the DV victims .The advise you gave here to this woman IT'S DAMN WRONG! . WE domestic violence advocates will not tell/advise to the victims to reconcile /work in their marriage when psychical abuse is happening,and nobody should advise either.

The first thing we have to tell to the victim is LEAVE THE ABUSER NOW,SEEK A SAFE PLACE, and later on you think about your marriage. The person's safety comes first than her/his marriage. This woman is being physically abused ,please never ever suggest/advise to victims of domestic violence to put themselves in danger! to stay in the same house,to talk with the husband.This is a really bad advise.When a victim call the domestic violence helpline,the victim will not hear " honey calm down,seat with him, talk to him,maybe he is in "pain, stress out", nope, the victim will hear GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW AND CALL THE POLICE!

If the abuser later on attend one year of anger management classes,individual therapy for at least 6 months, then the abused person might seat and talk to the abuser. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE such as pain, stress. Domestic violence and abuse is just about the abuser to gain and maintain total control of the victims! it's about POWER AND CONTROL,that is it!

Each year 220.000 women are battered in this Country, around 3.000 women are murdered every year in the USA. I ask you and everyone here if you read ,heard or saw someone being abused please tell the person "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW"!, saying the right thing can save someone's life.

In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

Edited December 27, 2014 by sandranj

[onye uwaoma 131]

Darnell I'll tell you now that when a couple had crossed divorce line they are all but done no matter the efforts... Divorce shouldn't have been an option if there's any hope left to resolve the differences... Separation is quite difference and marriage is difficult these days...

[chaves88 1]

I will save the phone number Sandra. Thank you..

[daviddelen 34]

Next time he puts his hands on you call the police. Then you will have evidence to make a VAWA claim. Don't let this man bully and manipulate you into going home. Also, find out where there may be a woman's shelter where you can stay in safety. You can get help there.

Edited December 27, 2014 by daviddelen