Bride Price Concerns

[hungryhamster 0]

Hi Everyone,

I just submitted my I-129F packet for the K1 fiancé visa a couple days ago and during my latest webcam session with my partner the topic of Bride Price was discussed again. I asked about this a long time ago with her to understand this better about her parents' expectations, but she said she didn't know and left it at that. On the latest session, however, she started talking about ceremony banquet cost in her hometown and giving me a figure expectations of the Bride Price of 30,000 USD. I am not rich by any means and never advertised myself that way, but to me this is kind of high. I'm afraid this is also a figure she is asking and not her parents and it feels selfish.

Can anyone share their own experience of Bride Price? I want to invest my savings towards a house and for the future. I also would like to have a decent wedding for my family to share in the experience too over in my own country (the banquet in China will only be her side of the family), but giving in to this demand is making me weary. In my own family's custom, both families pay part of the cost of ceremony and the wedding, but I feel like I'm expected to pay for everything and I feel I'm being taken advantage of (I'm sad to say this about my future life partner). Am I being unreasonable? I do want to respect her culture's tradition, but this is just getting me down. If I go through with this, I would have to make sacrifices in other things (i.e. the wedding cost flexibility here, take a little larger mortgage loan).

Edited November 16, 2014 by hungryhamster

[msbau764 245]

Hi Everyone,

I just submitted my I-129F packet for the K1 fiancé visa a couple days ago and during my latest webcam session with my partner the topic of Bride Price was discussed again. I asked about this a long time ago with her to understand this better about her parents' expectations, but she said she didn't know and left it at that. On the latest session, however, she started talking about ceremony banquet cost in her hometown and giving me a figure expectations of the Bride Price of 30,000 USD. I am not rich by any means and never advertised myself that way, but to me this is kind of high. I'm afraid this is also a figure she is asking and not her parents and it feels selfish.

Can anyone share their own experience of Bride Price? I want to invest my savings towards a house and for the future. I also would like to have a decent wedding for my family to share in the experience too over in my own country (the banquet in China will only be her side of the family), but giving in to this demand is making me weary. In my own family's custom, both families pay part of the cost of ceremony and the wedding, but I feel like I'm expected to pay for everything and I feel I'm being taken advantage of (I'm sad to say this about my future life partner). Am I being unreasonable? I do want to respect her culture's tradition, but this is just getting me down. If I go through with this, I would have to make sacrifices in other things (i.e. the wedding cost flexibility here, take a little larger mortgage loan).

You are 100% correct in thinking about your future. What is more important? Financial flexibility in the first few years of your marriage or a glorified birthday party that will only STRESS out your wife? Did I forget to mention this $30,000 they expect to spend of your hard earned monwy will last one day? Find out what you can afford to spend and you will end up spending more than that. So the answer is no in your case. Tell her she needs to find a way to cut the budget in half before even discussing wedding plans. It is your money and your future. Part of being married is working together on budgets, so you are getting great experience first hand in that.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Oh yeah, you are expected to pay bride price (dowry) like this!

Just kidding...

What is your fiancee's education level? Is she holding a decent job in China and will probably find a similar position here in US when she comes over?

Sorry to sound calculative here, but you should somehow gauge how much she is able to contribute for both your future together and if you are mentally able to accept it or not.

As per Chinese Traditions, bride price is expected during wedding but $30,000 USD is way too much, or she is talking in RMB 30,000 (about USD5,000)?

And the groom side pays for the bride side wedding banquet (hopefully that she is not asking for grand one ).

My family did not ask for bride price because my mom understands that it is not western culture. My hub said I should pay him for marry me instead

We just had a small intimate wedding in US, no point spending too much on banquet.

You should communicate your thoughts and feelings about the bride price to your fiancee and see if both of you can reach a compromise.

Perhaps she is under pressure from her parents (Chinese obsession of saving face).

Have you met her parents yet?

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Here is China National Map of bride prices

http://qz.com/92267/in-a-reversal-of-the-dowry-chinese-men-pay-a-steep-price-for-their-brides/

[CowBoE 429]

Hi Everyone,

I just submitted my I-129F packet for the K1 fiancé visa a couple days ago and during my latest webcam session with my partner the topic of Bride Price was discussed again. I asked about this a long time ago with her to understand this better about her parents' expectations, but she said she didn't know and left it at that. On the latest session, however, she started talking about ceremony banquet cost in her hometown and giving me a figure expectations of the Bride Price of 30,000 USD. I am not rich by any means and never advertised myself that way, but to me this is kind of high. I'm afraid this is also a figure she is asking and not her parents and it feels selfish.

Can anyone share their own experience of Bride Price? I want to invest my savings towards a house and for the future. I also would like to have a decent wedding for my family to share in the experience too over in my own country (the banquet in China will only be her side of the family), but giving in to this demand is making me weary. In my own family's custom, both families pay part of the cost of ceremony and the wedding, but I feel like I'm expected to pay for everything and I feel I'm being taken advantage of (I'm sad to say this about my future life partner). Am I being unreasonable? I do want to respect her culture's tradition, but this is just getting me down. If I go through with this, I would have to make sacrifices in other things (i.e. the wedding cost flexibility here, take a little larger mortgage loan).

I have an easy answer for you.

If she demand Bride Price because its Chinese custom,

then you explain to her that

it's US customs that bride's family pay for the wedding.

I just google-ed "average wedding cost in san francisco", and I get this at the top.

Average Wedding Cost in San Francisco, CA (County) Couples that live in or travel to San Francisco, CA (County) spend between $27,830 and$46,384 on average for their wedding. However, most couples spend between $10,000 - $19,999.

Get the hint?

Basically, if you handle this properly, it should be a wash.

[hungryhamster 0]

You are 100% correct in thinking about your future. What is more important? Financial flexibility in the first few years of your marriage or a glorified birthday party that will only STRESS out your wife? Did I forget to mention this $30,000 they expect to spend of your hard earned monwy will last one day? Find out what you can afford to spend and you will end up spending more than that. So the answer is no in your case. Tell her she needs to find a way to cut the budget in half before even discussing wedding plans. It is your money and your future. Part of being married is working together on budgets, so you are getting great experience first hand in that.

I have worked hard on my money, yes. However, she has the habit of pointing out "traditional" male / female roles when it conveniences her including this scenario ("man should take care of woman"). I'm still trying to find a way to compromise with her on this at the moment.

What is your fiancee's education level? Is she holding a decent job in China and will probably find a similar position here in US when she comes over?

Sorry to sound calculative here, but you should somehow gauge how much she is able to contribute for both your future together and if you are mentally able to accept it or not.

As per Chinese Traditions, bride price is expected during wedding but $30,000 USD is way too much, or she is talking in RMB 30,000 (about USD5,000)?

And the groom side pays for the bride side wedding banquet (hopefully that she is not asking for grand one ).

My family did not ask for bride price because my mom understands that it is not western culture. My hub said I should pay him for marry me instead

We just had a small intimate wedding in US, no point spending too much on banquet.

You should communicate your thoughts and feelings about the bride price to your fiancee and see if both of you can reach a compromise.

Perhaps she is under pressure from her parents (Chinese obsession of saving face).

Have you met her parents yet?

She is college educated, but I guess she makes only average or less in China standards as she basically lives paycheck to paycheck (no savings). The company she works for has a global presence, but her English writing comprehension and a grasp understanding of the United States market logic will require class coursework to get a comparable job here first. The market she would pursue here I think will be difficult, so I'm expecting to be the sole income earner for the first number of years unless she takes something in the meantime outside of her field. She also wants to have child[ren] early on.

As to the requested Bride Price, she did confirm 30,000 USD. When I had originally tried to clarify this as 30,000 RMB she said I was crazy. She has a habit of trying to use her friends as comparables and tried to justify that some of her friends was larger. I'm applying for a fiancé Visa, so we will have the Wedding and a banquet with my family here in the States. I don't mind helping out to a degree on the banquet / ceremony cost over in China too, but it sounds like I'm expecting to fit the bill for both without any support. This feels like a slap in the face.

I know there is some "saving face" involved as she showed a number of weddings through video samples she participated in which were elaborate, but keep in mind both sides of the family were in these venues. Unfortunately none (or hardly any) of my side of the family will be able to participate in the ceremony in China. I also do not want to "bankrupt" myself from this single event much like the stories I've heard of in Chinese weddings in the past just to impress or outdo others.

Lastly, I have met her parents in person (albeit our communication is limited due to language barrier). They seem to be down to earth and humble in nature. I think a lot of the declaration on the Bride Price is from her directly, which to my knowledge is not for her to dictate.

Thank you for the list too. I did a search on Google and was trying to reference this to a degree when I told her the Bride Price is higher than what I've heard in her province.

I have an easy answer for you.

If she demand Bride Price because its Chinese custom,

then you explain to her that

it's US customs that bride's family pay for the wedding.

I just google-ed "average wedding cost in san francisco", and I get this at the top.

Average Wedding Cost in San Francisco, CA (County) Couples that live in or travel to San Francisco, CA (County) spend between $27,830 and$46,384 on average for their wedding. However, most couples spend between $10,000 - $19,999.

Get the hint?

Basically, if you handle this properly, it should be a wash.

My family's tradition typically is shared cost at the wedding, so I cannot declare the bride's family to pay for the wedding. My family doesn't apply any form of Bride Price, so this is new territory for me. I know she doesn't make much money (my work bonus alone is greater than her annual salary) and her parents aren't rich either, but I wish she didn't think I am a money tree either. I've always been a bit reserved on my spending habits, but I also know she has certain desires for probably one of the most important times in her life. I really want this to be something memorable too, but I want this to be approached sensibly and hopefully together.

[Boiler 45,499]

My family tradition where a bride price is required includes a similar sized dowry.

Problem solved.

[Maritah 101]

Not a good scenary for you. Here's my advice: Just runaway.

Regards.

[sco/wen 3]

Sounds like a gold digger my man. I have been with my fiancee for 3 years now, I have met her parents several times. We have discussed our wedding regularly and she has never mentioned a bride price or once asked me for money. That is crazy, I would seriously rethink your relationship, you don't deserve to be taken advantage of.

[RayRPC 3]

$30k dowry cash is reasonable that I paid for my first marriage and more than $10k gold (in USD). Moreover groom pays for all wedding expenses

[Merrytooth 5,748]

USD 30,000 dowry is reasonable if the fiancee is super model or OP is Chen Guang Biao

Why should OP bankrupt himself so that she could satisfy her materialistic behavior (someone who has NO savings, living paycheck from paycheck).

That USD 30,000 is better off as savings for rainy days or down payment for a new house.

I have worked hard on my money, yes. However, she has the habit of pointing out "traditional" male / female roles when it conveniences her including this scenario ("man should take care of woman"). I'm still trying to find a way to compromise with her on this at the moment.

I found this bold statement a red flag.

What else does she has to contribute in the relationship, if OP is going to be sole income earner in the future?

She seems to be looking for safe harbor so that she does not have to work hard in life.

OP should just call her bluff. Thanks her for the good time together, wish her the best.

If she truly values her relationship with OP, she would reach a compromise with OP.

[Mike and Yaoling 46]

30,000 USD is ridiculous. My fiancée is from the Henan province. Her parents are in their late 70's so I thought it would be nice to give them something. My fiancée said 10,000 RMB would be enough and that her parents will just spend the money buying things for my fiancée. It is my fiancée's second marriage so maybe that plays a part in it. I assume that this is your fiancee's first marriage, but still, some, not all, Chinese people assume that all Americans are rich and can easily pay so much money and still have money to buy a house, car, health insurance and so on. 30,000 RMB makes more sense, even 50,000 would be ok, but over 180,000 RMB? Wow!

Edit: punctuation

Edited November 17, 2014 by Mike and Yaoling

[SBB 74]

I didn't pay my in-laws a bride price, and they probably wouldn't have accepted even if I'd offered, but according to my wife, most of it is supposed to come back to the couple either through the wedding or to buy things for the new couple's life together.

[unsmiley 111]

I never heard of "bride price." I guess I should consider myself lucky.

But to the original poster: Something is not right here. I too would be wary.

[MuDelphi 159]

Chinese gender preference for boys, selective abortions, and abandonment of girls has finally made them a high value commodity.

I didn't pay a bride price, and I think you'd be crazy to do so if its not in your culture or not reciprocated. While this has largely changed with modern western couples who share wedding expenses, its generally our tradition for the bride's family to pay for the wedding. I think you should request that you had dream of the Steve Miller band to play your wedding and their appearance fee is 45K.