Divorce

[salsadechipotle 4]

Hello USA Compatriots,

I married in March 21, 2014. My husband is Egyptian. We had known each other 8 years prior. We met in Italy and it was through Naples that we filed for the K-1 visa. I was happy like any newlywed about this marriage. Unfortunately, my husband has changed drastically. He obtained his work permit in June. However, he only works part time from 3 pm to 9 pm. He refuses to work full time because he does not want to be a slave to work. All night he plays with his cell phone. He goes to bed around 3 pm. He refuses to do anything until it is time for him to get ready to go to work which is waking up 1:30 pm. I work all day and my commute is 3 hours long (to and from work). As soon as we got married, he expected me to get up late at night and iron his clothing and be waiting for him to eat dinner. Since I have to be in at work at 7:30 am, I refused to wait for him. Instead, I would prepare and leave him dinner on the table and then he would refuse to eat it because he did not like it.

When I met him he knew I was born and raised Catholic. And at that time I was working as a secretary at a Catholic church. He insisted of marrying me and I told him initially no because we were of two different religions. He said he was fine with my religion and he would not impose his on me. Although, we are married, he does not impose his religion but initially he wanted me to cover myself and I reminded him I was not Muslim. In that respect he has not bothered me since then.

Also, he refuses to have any interaction with my family. He hates them because according to him, they have no respect towards him because he is not university educated. He says my family meddles in our marriage which they do not. They are too busy with their own families. When we initially got married he threatened me in front of my mom that if I did not obey him, he had the right to hit me. My mother understood what he said in Italian and she told him in English that if he layed a hand on me, she would call the police. Since then he constantly tells me he hates my mom because she is according to him advising me on how to treat him.

I have told him many times he must enrolled in Adult Education to learn English. I tell him to go to bed early so he can go to English classes in the morning. He refuses because according to him, I want him to be like my family, all educated. He says I am trying to educate him and polish him so I will not be embarrassed of him. I have tried to explain over and over to him that he needs to learn English in order to have better opportunities in this country.

I have paid all the expenses associated to the K-1 visa and adjustment of status including airfare costs. I have provided him with a car, bought clothing for him, provided health care insurance through my work, and I pay for the cell phone service for him and me. I also have been actively looking for jobs online for him. He in turn tells me is that I do not do anything to help him. The little money he makes with his part time job, he sends it off to Egypt and refuses to save or help me financially. I have asked him to help me pay the credit cards associated with the airfare expenses to Naples, Egypt and to the USA. Initially, he was helping me but later he stopped. Now, he tells me that his Arab friends at work told him that he can sue me because I am exploiting him financially. He says I have lots of money and I am not willing to spend the money because I am a tight wad and my response to him is "do secretaries who work at schools make lots of money?"

I have sat down with him and I told him if he is not happy in this marriage then we should divorce. He says he loves me and does not want to divorce me. Then he blames my family, his co-workers and me of the problems in our marriage. There are days he treats me so indifferently and then there are days that he treats me very nicely and I begin feeling guilty because I have contemplated a divorce.

Three weeks ago I called UCSIC and asked them if I were to obtain a divorce, would I continue to be financially responsible as a petitioner. There answer was yes unless the beneficiary returned to his country on his own terms then I would not be financially liable. So I asked them if they could deport him and they said no because they are too busy. Is there any person out there who has faced this situation? If so any advice?

[Boiler 45,575]

If you go to the MENA forum you will find many similar stories.

You signed up for the Affidavit of Support having said that there is not much risk for a single male.

Sounds like you need a divorce lawyer.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Has his AOS been approved yet?

If not, you still have time to pull the I-864 so that his AOS will be denied.

You don't need a deadbeat who will only weight you down in life or threaten to hit you if you don't obey him.

These are your own words. Dump him.

The jerk only wanted a green card. I worked as a court interpreter for immigration. Several middle eastern men would marry American women to acquire a green card. Once their green card arrived, they would end up wanting a divorce because back home they had a wife. There were many instances were American women help their husbands go to college. Once they got their green card and degree, they would dump their American wife to marry a muslim woman. This guy is a loser and used you to get a green card. This person took advantage of your kindness. Unfortunately, not everyone is kind in this world. There are people like this man (I don't think he is a man because a true man takes responsibility) who took advantage of your good hearted person. These individuals thrive on people like you. He is probably using the other woman just like he used you. Perhaps the other woman has money, a home, or some other thing were he will use her and once he acquires it, he will dump her too. In otherwords, these type of men are free loaders. They don't like to work or man up and face responsibilities. They are seeking their next victim to see what they can acquire... Dump him and report him to ICE.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Merrytooth

[Pitaya 2,577]

~Moved from Fam.-based AOS to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Similar topics are often discussed at this forum~

[onye uwaoma 131]

Has he been approved of his green card yet? If yes, then all you can do is divorce and move on with your life. Don't bothered contemplating ways to get him sent anywhere because your marriage failed. From your story I understand there are some irreconcilable differences and neither of you anticipated this situation. So sorry this is happening to you both.

[Sandra G. 5,048]

Sorry to say that but you got married to a lazy scumbag! Divorce him and move on, You told him if he is not happy he could divorce you, why do you have to wait for his decision? You are not happy, then It's time for you to take some decision in your life.Surround yourself with people who make you laugh,who treats with respect and show you love.

[TBoneTX 45,361]

You're being used by someone with whom you have multiple fundamental incompatibilities. Either of these can be your justification for ending the marriage.

[landr 126]

California is a "no fault" divorce state:

http://www.courts.ca.gov/1032.htm

[milimelo 4,487]

Time to move on. If I-485 not approved yet, pull the I-864.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Sorry that you are in that situation, sounds like he is that wonderful combination of lazy, violent and manipulative and you would be better off without him in your life.

[JE57 239]

That was quite a compelling write-up. The responses you got are what I expect. There is unfortunately too much immigration fraud that occurs and it is easy to say move on, leave him etc. But your story says something different to me. There are hints of hope in your story and hints that perhaps we are seeing only one side of the issue or at least a slanted view of things. *IF* you want to make this work then I think there may be hope. Here's why I say this:

1) You say you've known him for 8 years - this does not sound like the typical marry for a green card situation, clearly you were happy with each other at one time.

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It sounds to me like there is a distance between the two of you that did not exist when you were courting.

He does not sound to me like he is violent. If he is violent that changes everything. But claiming that some customs would say he has a right to hit you if you do not obey is more a statement of fact, (some customs do condone this horrific behavior) than anything else.

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If I try to read between the lines and try to see this from his side I could say that perhaps his side would be:

- You have some beliefs and fears about Islam and are 'looking' for any indication that his beliefs will be disruptive to you.

(He asked you to cover, you said no he dropped it), (His Arab friends at work said...)

- You are trying to change him, manage him

(he needs to take english classes, he needs a better job, etc.)

- Financially you are 'keeping score'

(he needs to help with the expenses of bringing him here, he sends money to home, I provided a car, etc.)

=

*IF* you want to save this I would suggest a couple of things:

Refind some common interests and focus on those not day to day things. Things you can do together that make you happy. Talk to a marriage counseler to help the two of you.

Find out what he's doing on his cellphone, see if you can be involved in that too or find out why what he's doing on the cellphone is more interesting than spending time with you.

Take an interest in ISLAM perhaps even talk with a Moderate or Liberal IMAN. My understanding of Islam is that there is common ground with Christianity in the Old testament. You can't be the only couple in the USA that is of mixed religions. Find a way to embrace the best of both religions rather than it being something that devides you.

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BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE.. Think back to who the two of you were and decide for yourself first if it's worth trying to save. I see in your post that you are not ready to give up and though there are signs of problems you also seem to not paint a picture of an abusive, controlling freeloading man with whom you have no hope of a future.

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May God bless you both and may He help guide you to what is best for both of you.

[mallafri76 1,012]

He definitely sounds like an abuser, all the classic signs are there Just what he told you on your wedding day would have made me get an annulment of the marriage the very next day but that's just me.

Whether you separate, divorce or continue living together, you signing that AOS means that you have told the US government that you will take financial responsibility for your husband.

From what I understand, and hopefully someone with more knowledge about this will come along with more information, I thought that if you get divorced before the adjustment of status, the beneficiary must leave the US and return to their own country?!

[Best23 2]

Hey Salsa, I do not usually post but when i do please take it seriously.I am sorry for all of your time and effort you have put into this man that does not want to be with you but to get a green card and move on. My advise to you from a man perspective is this; he has never loved you and he wants to keep your family at an arm length so he can achieve his goal of getting the green card. The reason he dislikes your mother is because she sees through his garbage that you are not seen because of blind love. If the I485 is not yet approved, PLEASE PLEASE WITHDRAW THE I-864 TO SAVE YOU FROM WHAT I SEE TO BE A MASTERMIND FOR GREEN CARD. RUN RUN AND RUN FAST FORM THIS MAN BEFORE YOU RUIN YOUR LIFE. Catholic or no Catholic DIVORCE THIS MAN.

[S_R 148]

8years prior and you couldn't figure this out sooner?

[TBoneTX 45,361]

From what I understand, and hopefully someone with more knowledge about this will come along with more information, I thought that if you get divorced before the adjustment of status, the beneficiary must leave the US and return to their own country?!

The beneficiary must leave the U.S.; it doesn't matter where he/she goes.