Doesn't Want to Move Here-What Now?

[msbau764 245]

My dad lived 14 years with emphysema,it means her mother can still live many years.Ask yourself if you are willing to accept that. Her mother can live 2/3 years or 10 years or even more.

This was what I was getting at. It seems like the mom being sick is but one of many reasons why she returned to Colombia. And as someone said earlier, in Latin America there is always someone around help, for free even, yet throw money in the equation and there should be no problem at all. It must be mentioned that the OP's wife gave him an ultimatum. It seems very one sided.

[alicia98981 128]

Family is family. Regardless of anyone else's situation, it's not yours and so any of a million things could happen. Life is fragile and precious and we only have one to live. The last thing you want is to be living the "what ifs". Instead of being selfish potentially proposing the dissolution of this marriage, I say you suck it up and be supportive of your wife spending her mother's dying years in Columbia. You have flight benefits, so use them. Marriage is about compromise, and you asked your wife to give up everything to come live with you in another country. It's not the ideal situation, but it's workable if you guys are supportive of each other. Your wife has made it clear that she would like to be with her mother, but for the sake of the marriage, make frequent trips back and forth. Who knows? Maybe she'll tire of the back and forth, and decide to hire someone to sit with mom or as another poster said, realize mom ain't going anywhere for a couple of years. Most couples don't have the luxury to see each other as often. Imagine how long troops go without seeing their spouses and families and still manage to make it work. Given she - the MIL - has emphysema, it could be a few months or a few years. And culturally, we already know the Latin American diaspora are for the most part loving and close nit. If you aren't ready to be a supportive spouse and work with her, to support what your post suggests, her time with her last living relative, I suggest you either bite the bullet and move temporarily to Columbia or give her the walking papers and find yourself an American spouse who can fit within your comfort zone to be a "stay at home wife". . .

Edited November 8, 2014 by alicia98981

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Only you can make that decision but give her some time before you decide. Can't be easy being a beneficiary with a sick mom thousands of miles away. As others have said there could be other factors at play in her decision too

[Carla V 43]

She made her mind,it's her mom... the options for you are: find a work in Colombia and move there... look for a transfer from your workplace to be there... divorce because you will hardly see your wife... ask her to come to live here until she get her citizenship and she can file for her mom to come live here with you both.

[msbau764 245]

Family is family. Regardless of anyone else's situation, it's not yours and so any of a million things could happen. Life is fragile and precious and we only have one to live. The last thing you want is to be living the "what ifs". Instead of being selfish potentially proposing the dissolution of this marriage, I say you suck it up and be supportive of your wife spending her mother's dying years in Columbia. You have flight benefits, so use them. Marriage is about compromise, and you asked your wife to give up everything to come live with you in another country. It's not the ideal situation, but it's workable if you guys are supportive of each other. Your wife has made it clear that she would like to be with her mother, but for the sake of the marriage, make frequent trips back and forth. Who knows? Maybe she'll tire of the back and forth, and decide to hire someone to sit with mom or as another poster said, realize mom ain't going anywhere for a couple of years. Most couples don't have the luxury to see each other as often. Imagine how long troops go without seeing their spouses and families and still manage to make it work. Given she - the MIL - has emphysema, it could be a few months or a few years. And culturally, we already know the Latin American diaspora are for the most part loving and close nit. If you aren't ready to be a supportive spouse and work with her, to support what your post suggests, her time with her last living relative, I suggest you either bite the bullet and move temporarily to Columbia or give her the walking papers and find yourself an American spouse who can fit within your comfort zone to be a "stay at home wife". . .

Supportive? Is that your idea of a marriage? Stay separate for a decade or longer? What you are proposing is ridiculous. It seems like the OP has a nice job and is probably paying his wife's bills. You want him to give that up to teach English in Colombia with zero benefits for several years or what sort of opportunity do you think lies for him in a country where jobs are scarce and wages depressingly low? When did the OP suggest he wanted a stay-at-home wife? He wants a real marriage, with real physical contact, something that his wife probably agreed to in the beginning but changed her mind. In Latin cultures, although close knit, many siblings are guilted into returning home, and even finding a job in a neighboring town is frowned upon (especially for women). I could only imagine what sort of pressure the OP's wife received once she landed in the US. It must have been immense. Marriage is about sacrifice, and so far his wife hasn't made one at all.

My two cents.

Edited November 9, 2014 by msbau764

[alicia98981 128]

Supportive? Is that your idea of a marriage? Stay separate for a decade or longer? What you are proposing is ridiculous. It seems like the OP has a nice job and is probably paying his wife's bills. You want him to give that up to teach English in Colombia with zero benefits for several years or what sort of opportunity do you think lies for him in a country where jobs are scarce and wages depressingly low? When did the OP suggest he wanted a stay-at-home wife? He wants a real marriage, with real physical contact, something that his wife probably agreed to in the beginning but changed her mind. In Latin cultures, although close knit, many siblings are guilted into returning home, and even finding a job in a neighboring town is frowned upon (especially for women). I could only imagine what sort of pressure the OP's wife received once she landed in the US. It must have been immense. Marriage is about sacrifice, and so far his wife hasn't made one at all.

My two cents.

The OP asked for advice and opinions. Instead of you hijacking his thread and giving your opinion on other posters opinions, I suggest you stick to the topic at hand.

To the OP, I stand by my comments that you should remain supportive of your wife's decision. Your marriage may not be a traditional one early one, but you have a lifetime to work out the kinks. I'm not certain of what your job is in aviation, but I also work in aviation and logistics, so I'm going to assume that your company has a Latin/South American operation that will allow you to transfer or find work in Columbia. Or if not work with your company, I'm assuming that you may be able to find work in Columbia just as your wife would probably be able to find work in the US if she were to move here. As for my comment of a "stay at home wife", it is in reference to staying at her new home in America instead of running back and forth. I know you want a wife that lives and remains in the US, but moving to US doesn't mean her family, ties, and obligations end permanently either. Again, no one's marriage is perfect, and no one wants to continue to do the long distance thing, but it is possible given the many couples that have to do it years whether for work, finances, or simply completing the visa process. Furthermore, as I said before, this maybe something that last for a few month or maybe even a few years. If your wife can agree to a certain amount of time before returning home to the US permanently, I still find that a compromise. I doubt she would go through the CR1 process and marriage with you only to turn it down for a sick relative. Once again, it can be done. The question is, how committed you are to your marriage and are you willing to support your spouse while she looks after what I'm assuming once again is her last living relative. Let's be honest, it's not fair to ask her to choose between her family and her husband when you yourself said she willing to compromise for a time and have both. . .

Edited November 9, 2014 by alicia98981

[msbau764 245]

The OP asked for advice and opinions. Instead of you hijacking his thread and giving your opinion on other posters opinions, I suggest you stick to the topic at hand.

To the OP, I stand by my comments that you should remain supportive of your wife's decision. Your marriage may not be a traditional one early one, but you have a lifetime to work out the kinks. I'm not certain of what your job is in aviation, but I also work in aviation and logistics, so I'm going to assume that your company has a Latin/South American operation that will allow you to transfer or find work in Columbia. Or if not work with your company, I'm assuming that you may be able to find work in Columbia just as your wife would probably be able to find work in the US if she were to move here. As for my comment of a "stay at home wife", it is in reference to staying at her new home in America instead of running back and forth. I know you want a wife that lives and remains in the US, but moving to US doesn't mean her family, ties, and obligations end permanently either. Again, no one's marriage is perfect, and no one wants to continue to do the long distance thing, but it is possible given the many couples that have to do it years whether for work, finances, or simply completing the visa process. Furthermore, as I said before, this maybe something that last for a few month or maybe even a few years. If your wife can agree to a certain amount of time before returning home to the US permanently, I still find that a compromise. I doubt she would go through the CR1 process and marriage with you only to turn it down for a sick relative. Once again, it can be done. The question is, how committed you are to your marriage and are you willing to support your spouse while she looks after what I'm assuming once again is her last living relative. Let's be honest, it's not fair to ask her to choose between her family and her husband when you yourself said she willing to compromise for a time and have both. . .

You are giving bad advice. If someone on VJ is wrong one can respond accordingly.

[alicia98981 128]

You are giving bad advice. If someone on VJ is wrong one can respond accordingly.

I'm not here to argue with you guy. There are opinions and then there is factual information about visas and likewise. I suggest if you feel so strongly about his marriage and the opinions of other posters, you inbox him and give him your one on one opinion and leave the rest of us out of it.

Good luck to the OP on whatever decision you choose. I hope it's the best for you guys!

[Operator 1,927]

So, I am asking the wonderfully diverse people here on VJ for their feedback. What would you do? Would you stay in the marriage this way? What suggestions do you have? Your opinions and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Me? I'd quit my job, sell my junk, sort out a visa and go support my lady.

[JimAndInah 2]

OP, when you get married is should be like they say in Genesis 2:24 (NIV) "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh". You're supposed to be her first priority in life. A marriage isn't really a marriage when she chooses to leave you and you're living apart like that. I'm sure she's a wonderful girl but there is a story everyone has heard: she's eventually going to get lonely taking care of her mother and someone is going to come along and comfort her. Besides, what can she do for someone with emphysema and back problems? Emphysema doesn't respond to any amount of hand holding; back problems either for that matter.

Don't get me wrong, I'd do anything for my mother - including moving her into my home to care for her - but your girl almost assuredly knew her mom was sick when she married you and she's choosing to live there with her mom instead of with you - and breaking her vows at the same time.

In the same situation I'd move on. My fiance's mother is dying of cancer and she's already assured me that she's not going back to the PI and you had better believe I'll hold her to it. Not because I'm cruel or selfish but a family isn't a family when one fo the spouses refuses to live with the other.

If you haven't already had it, your one year interview is going to be interesting. I'm betting her visa gets revoked and you two are back to square one or worse. She's voting with her actions.

[landr 126]

Imagine how long troops go without seeing their spouses and families and still manage to make it work.

No they don't. Divorce and infidelity in the military is rife due to the pain of long-term separation as well as the effects of combat PTSD.

OP - I think you need to talk to your wife and find out if her mind is completely made up or if there's room for some negotiation. So far, she's laid down the rules regarding how it is going to be without discussing it with you first. Alternatively, she's panicking and hasn't actually thought this through.

Personally, I don't see how the arrangement that she proposed can be sustainable in the longer term. You both need to decide if you can stay together and take care of her mother at the same time. This flying back and forth business seems cumbersome, even if it's financially possible. And if she spends too much time in her home country, she'll not only jeopardise her permanent residence status, she will also jeopardise her naturalisation.

[LmmL 46]

Me? I'd quit my job, sell my junk, sort out a visa and go support my lady.

^^ This..

It will be my choice if I'm in your shoes.

[Hypnos 6,577]

My junk stays firmly where it is.

[jodari62 1]

I would've paid for someone in Colombia to take care of her mom, at least until your wife got a greencard. Then, I would've said that the best option would be for her to be with her mom 6 months, and in the states 6 months. I don't know your situation. She must know that it itsn't cheap to apply for a visa -- emotionally or monetarily. It seems like she did not love you enough to make a life with you in the US. Does your wife not have aunts or uncles that coud help?

By the way, I assuming her mom is not on her deathbed nor is in danger of imminent death. That would change things.

You're probably right...she doesn't love me enough to make a life here in the USA. She has made it clear her mother is number one and she is committed to caring for her. Her mother was in the hospital for ten days due to cracking four vertebrae from weak bones and coughing so hard. The aunt is a little younger but also has health issues, and there was little to no help from anyone when she was in the hospital nor in the house on her return.

She's not on her deathbed, but my wife doesn't want that to be the last time she sees her.

[jodari62 1]

I say talk it over with your wife and if you both

truly love each other it can work. Respect how

she feels about mom she may not have much time left

and that will prove how she would treat you if God

forbid something happens to you.

I speak from experience, I had a situation with 3 kids

in the mix my wife work with the airlines, so I settled

for 3-4 days a week seeing her, also kept the 2 younger

ones until things were sorted out , not easy but she never

resented an extra trip, renting our home & staying at my

parents so my eldest could be monitored when she was

gone. I did lots of stuff via Skype even my kid graduation.

She can ask for a re-entry permission that would allow

her with good reason to stay out . I'll say 23 mths. In the

meantime be happy you have the means to visit her, don't

complain and talk positive a lot to her, most of all never forget

to remind her you love her dude...Good luck

That is one thing I have thought about...I have two grown daughters from a previous marriage and I could only hope they would be around for me a fraction of the time my wife spends with her mom.