Doesn't Want to Move Here-What Now?

[TBoneTX 45,659]

The bickerers should stop bickering with one another, please.

You're probably right...she doesn't love me enough to make a life here in the USA. She has made it clear her mother is number one and she is committed to caring for her. Her mother was in the hospital for ten days due to cracking four vertebrae from weak bones and coughing so hard. The aunt is a little younger but also has health issues, and there was little to no help from anyone when she was in the hospital nor in the house on her return.

She's not on her deathbed, but my wife doesn't want that to be the last time she sees her.

There's an old saying, origin unknown:

"A son is a son till he takes him a wife; a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life."

OP, all we can do is hope that you can work something out. Let us know the outcome of this.

[Ortolan 381]

I feel really sorry for her; only you can tell whether the "I've got to take care of my mom...you can come and visit us" is a sort of gentle way to get out of the marriage, or not.

Talk to her some more about it and try to figure out what she really wants. If her mom suddenly died, would she want to then come to the U.S. to live? Or no?

[rlogan 2,036]

. However, this is not what I expected nor was agreed upon when married...

People love interjecting all this stuff about being understanding of culture and how close a daughter must be to her mother. Where is the cultural tradition of keeping that a big secret from the husband?

It is your obligation to tell the husband BEFORE marriage, most especially given she was sick before the agreement was made. I can't think of a more deceptive and cruel thing to do to a person: "Oh, by the way - here is the list of things I didn't tell you about that void my agreement with you..."

The reason such a person doesn't tell her husband is... he would not have married her. Now that he has discovered she is a completely different person than the solemn promises she made...

Apply the boot to the rear end. Aim for the moon.

[jodari62 1]

Was your wife happy in the US? What is your mother-in-law's prognosis? Are her doctors talking about long-term care or have they said that she doesn't have long to live?

She was only here with her daughter two and a half weeks. She was a bit worried about her mother, but when her mother cracked her four vertebrae and went into the hospital, she returned and realized she couldn't leave her mother alone in the future.

She now wears a back brace, goes to the hospital once a month for various health reasons. Pretty much longer term I think, but my wife has been afraid she might have died a couple of times, and her mother has said she's not thrilled about living in the condition she is.

This illness did not come about suddenly. Her mother had this when the OP applied for the visa. His wife knew what it meant to travel with the OP to the US. It seems like the beneficiary got cold feet after having arrived in the US, essentially reneging on her prior agreement or commitment to the OP. Big difference.

She had the illness but it wasn't debilitating when my wife was here. It was when she broke her vertebrae and went into the hospital that all of this happened.

Ultimately, however difficult it is, only you can decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. Have you considered moving to Colombia?

I have, but I would have to rent my house in the US and basically commute on my days off. Can't afford to quit my job and move there.

[msbau764 245]

She was only here with her daughter two and a half weeks. She was a bit worried about her mother, but when her mother cracked her four vertebrae and went into the hospital, she returned and realized she couldn't leave her mother alone in the future.

She now wears a back brace, goes to the hospital once a month for various health reasons. Pretty much longer term I think, but my wife has been afraid she might have died a couple of times, and her mother has said she's not thrilled about living in the condition she is.

She had the illness but it wasn't debilitating when my wife was here. It was when she broke her vertebrae and went into the hospital that all of this happened.

I have, but I would have to rent my house in the US and basically commute on my days off. Can't afford to quit my job and move there.

Sounds like a financial disaster if you move there. That should be ruled out. What she is proposing is not realistic. Is your wife also working, or what is her source of income in Colombia? I would hope her mother lives for a long, long time or at least hope that her health improves. That is what you and your wife should want. Unfortunately for you that means you will be without a wife for awhile, maybe decades. You will be busy with your life, your friends and eventually question the point of a long-distance, quasi-marriage with none of the benefits of said relationship. As someone said earlier, she is choosing her mom, not you. You have to figure everything out. She already did.

My parents moved to the US in the late 70s from Africa and left a lot more behind than one parent - they left their entire families. Both of their parents died while they were in the States. They never had enough money to travel frequently and be with them, let alone when they were on their deathbed. That is the price you pay when you immigrate so far away. You take the good with the bad. In your case, it is not even close to being that difficult as it was for my parents. As a LPR she can spend half the time in the States and half the time in her native country. It is not terribly expensive to fly to Bogota twice a year either. That is compromise. That would be fair. Giving up close to a decade of marriage during your prime years (I am going to assume you are between the ages of 25-45) is a price to high to pay. Fly there and have a long talk about what you want and see where things stand. Beg for her to reconsider. Propose alternatives, even a timetable. If not, you know what needs to be done if you are not happy.

[rlogan 2,036]

She had the illness but it wasn't debilitating when my wife was here. It was when she broke her vertebrae and went into the hospital that all of this happened.

Why would a person who can't bear to leave their mother be planning the exact opposite kind of life? In a foreign country! Good lord, you marry someone from your home town or if its a foreigner they move to your town if you have to be with mommy.

It's incredible, really. Not just irresponsible - but negligent and cruel to the person you are pretending to commit to. Bait and switch.

I don't understand the framing people use where we look at an international marriage and assume people are completely blind to the cultural or personal differences from their own. Marrying an Indian without knowing they are Hindu. Marrying a soldier without knowing they actually deploy soldiers. Marrying a Mexican and being surprised they speak Spanish.

Here, we are being coached by some that we should come to this new understanding that this gal is inseparable from her mother. I disagree because that's what she should have told him. From the earliest point of the marriage we talk about our families and the relationships we have with them. It is inconceivable to me that in good faith you can meet someone, court them for marriage, and fail to convey how important your mother is. It's preposterous. How could we know so little about the person we are marrying? I hope this doesn't come across as a personal insult on people who are trying to be compassionate for the wife, because I don't mean it that way.

I see that the injury was serious - complicating a pre-existing condition, sure. The sudden-ness with which it happened would create stress and disappointment. But how you handled it as a couple should have been expected confidently by both people. A trip down there to get her situated and with a care-giver if necessary. But then coming back. That would have been your expectation from what you have said. So there was a fatal communication error there in pre-marriage.

It was her responsibility to tell. We can be understanding about her mother's health and be compassionate with her feelings there without giving up our rights to a real marriage. What is more basic than where you are going to live? Whether you are even going to live together? My God. The direction its going is a full time financial commitment for a part-time mistress. Not a wife. I'm cool with the mistress thing, but they have to be cost-effective. lol.

Edited November 10, 2014 by rlogan

[jodari62 1]

Family is big in LatinAmerica; being only daughter, even if other relatives are around has a big weight.

I'd research various avenues before confronting the situation: what is the prognosis, gravity of the illness? Age of mom? (if older age, more attachment oculd be expected); since you mention working for an airline, how possible is for wife to travel to Colombia on an emergency? And, would that allow for a nurse/care to be secured, and if situatoin worseness wife can jump on a place with little/no notice? Is it possible to bring mom to the US? Even if maybe not immediately, within some period of time?

You mentioned 'only daughter', Does it mean there are brothers in the picture (not that it would be a big diff, but with brothers and nurse/health care, it could be sufficient for daughter to live in US and then travel with some frequency/emergency)

Is mother living in a major city where health care is more prevalent or in a province city/town.?

ALso, 'nobdy else' might be a figure of speech; there are almost always several relatives that could help, more so if an stipend is provided for that care. As well, take into account that the illness might have just manifested or there was a recent worsening and a common reaction is to jump on a plane because maybe it has been pointed by relatives as "come over, mom is in death bed"; after some time, once it is seen things are stable, wife would be sufficiently relieved to get back to US. "Some time" could be 2-3 months by the way.

Good luck

The prognosis is status quo for now. She's 65 years old. She has a severe bout with her emphysema and goes to the hospital about once a month. It's very possible for her to travel home if there is an emergency.There would probably be a nurse or somebody that could help out if there was an emergency. The mother doesn't want to live in the US.

Yes, the mother is living in a city where healthcare is prevalent.

[jodari62 1]

I feel really sorry for her; only you can tell whether the "I've got to take care of my mom...you can come and visit us" is a sort of gentle way to get out of the marriage, or not.

Talk to her some more about it and try to figure out what she really wants. If her mom suddenly died, would she want to then come to the U.S. to live? Or no?

Yes, she will move here to the US permanently with her 7 yr old daughter when her mom dies.

[Jacque67 7,328]

Why would a person who can't bear to leave their mother be planning the exact opposite kind of life? In a foreign country! Good lord, you marry someone from your home town or if its a foreigner they move to your town if you have to be with mommy.

It's incredible, really. Not just irresponsible - but negligent and cruel to the person you are pretending to commit to. Bait and switch.

I don't understand the framing people use where we look at an international marriage and assume people are completely blind to the cultural or personal differences from their own. Marrying an Indian without knowing they are Hindu. Marrying a soldier without knowing they actually deploy soldiers. Marrying a Mexican and being surprised they speak Spanish.

Here, we are being coached by some that we should come to this new understanding that this gal is inseparable from her mother. I disagree because that's what she should have told him. From the earliest point of the marriage we talk about our families and the relationships we have with them. It is inconceivable to me that in good faith you can meet someone, court them for marriage, and fail to convey how important your mother is. It's preposterous. How could we know so little about the person we are marrying? I hope this doesn't come across as a personal insult on people who are trying to be compassionate for the wife, because I don't mean it that way.

I see that the injury was serious - complicating a pre-existing condition, sure. The sudden-ness with which it happened would create stress and disappointment. But how you handled it as a couple should have been expected confidently by both people. A trip down there to get her situated and with a care-giver if necessary. But then coming back. That would have been your expectation from what you have said. So there was a fatal communication error there in pre-marriage.

It was her responsibility to tell. We can be understanding about her mother's health and be compassionate with her feelings there without giving up our rights to a real marriage. What is more basic than where you are going to live? Whether you are even going to live together? My God. The direction its going is a full time financial commitment for a part-time mistress. Not a wife. I'm cool with the mistress thing, but they have to be cost-effective. lol.

Nonsense.

Often at the beginning of a courtship/ the beginnings of a relationship/ in the throws of love or whatever one of the partners thinks they can overcome their own culture for the other. However as the two partners get older and have social responsibilities from their own culture thrown upon them, the find it increasingly difficult to fight against the ideas they were brought up with.

[Kiv 32]

I feel sorry for your wife, I can totally relate, I came from a very close family, is a way of living for many of us, families are stronger together, I think that you don't see the same here in the US because there is more health or social help in cases of emergency. I hope your Mother in law could get better enough for your wife to feel is safe leaving her on somebody else's care, or that you can find some other arrangement to keep your marriage.

Edited November 10, 2014 by Kiv

[Gosia & Tito 199]

The prognosis is status quo for now. She's 65 years old. She has a severe bout with her emphysema and goes to the hospital about once a month. It's very possible for her to travel home if there is an emergency.There would probably be a nurse or somebody that could help out if there was an emergency. The mother doesn't want to live in the US.

Yes, the mother is living in a city where healthcare is prevalent.

Given this and what I saw in other posts, the back prognosis seems serious.

Mother doesn't want to live in the US: I think this is a discussion point with wife first, mom/relatives might be guilting her out of not being there. I'd present the case as follows:

1st: If there was no issue with mom health, Does wife want or not to live in the US?

2nd. If answer is positive, then wife needs to present to mom that for her to be able to care for mom, mom needs to be in the US no ifs or buts; this way you are tying the care to being in the US as one and single decision point; don't let them disassociate those 2, otherwise wife will not have any leverage. This of course assumes that healthcare can be provided -financially speaking-

If the answer for wife is no for 1st, then I guess you have a clear path: either you would have to move to Colombia or you guys have to part ways (I'm very sorry if this last one)

[tuckin14 58]

Obviously, this is not an "immigration" questions but a romance question.

Every situation is different. In my own case, I spent two years trying to get my girlfriend to agree to marry me and move to the USA. She finally did marry me but refused to move, and when she finally agreed to move she threw me out two days after arriving. In short, she never really had a commitment to me.

You can't make someone be something just because you want them to be. You can't make someone love you, or love you more than they love something or someone else, or make them want your way of life more than they want some other way of life.

I didn't read every post in the thread, but I read most of them, and I didn't really see much pertaining to what your relationship is like now. Fortunately we now have tools to make international phone and video calls for free or very low cost. Do you talk often? Video chat? What are the conversations like? Are you still central to her life, or are you something she squeezes in between caring for her mother and her daughter? Does the mother say "I'm grateful you're here, but I promise that when your husband comes here to see you or you go to see him, I'll make sure to not be needy at those times?" How much are you able to see each other? (In my case, despite it being a long-distance relationship, we were at least able to see each other about two weekends a month, due to a combination of it being a fairly short distance, favorable airline schedules, and learning a zillion frequent flier tricks.) How important is it to be physically together?

It's a sad thing to contemplate, but she might either not be committed to you, or simply not want to leave her home and culture behind. In that case, you really have no choice but to sadly cut your losses. If you believe she still loves you and wants a life with you and your life now is manageable, then maybe you can stick it out.

[UnaMexicana 153]

My wife returned to Colombia due to her mother's illness, and it seems it will be ongoing with no real end in sight...she has emphysema and back problems. Because my wife is her only daughter and nobody else can really help look after her, she has decided she does not want to leave her mother alone in Colombia and live in the USA. All of the goals we had set to be a family here have now burst. She says if I want to remain married to her, I will have to accept the family situation and plan to travel to visit during days I have off, and she will visit during holidays, etc. and some other short term visits throughout the year here in the USA. Fortunately, I work for an airline and have travel benefits. However, this is not what I expected nor was agreed upon when married, and her mother's illness after our marriage necessitated her return.

So, I am asking the wonderfully diverse people here on VJ for their feedback. What would you do? Would you stay in the marriage this way? What suggestions do you have? Your opinions and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

A lot has been said by VJers about the mother-daughter, the culture, etc. I believe that is irrelevant. You need to look at the facts, listen to what she is expressing and making a decision that you are happy with.

So I took the liberty of extracting your main ideas:

1. Wife has decided she will live in Colombia to take care of her mother.

2. She is giving you the option to visit whenever you are able to in order to remain married.

3. She will visit on holidays and other short term visits.

4. This is not what you expected. This is not what you agreed to.

I believe the key is number 4. You are able to express in writing that this is falling short. This is not what you expected and this is not what you agreed to. If you are not going to be happy with points 2 and 3, you need to move on.

I am sorry for your situation and I hope you make the best decision for yourself, as it seems she is very good at making decisions that she is comfortable with.

Best,

UnaMexicana

[Ontarkie 14,321]

You're probably right...she doesn't love me enough to make a life here in the USA. She has made it clear her mother is number one and she is committed to caring for her. Her mother was in the hospital for ten days due to cracking four vertebrae from weak bones and coughing so hard. The aunt is a little younger but also has health issues, and there was little to no help from anyone when she was in the hospital nor in the house on her return.

She's not on her deathbed, but my wife doesn't want that to be the last time she sees her.

I'm sorry but this comment makes you seem heartless. Her mother ended up in the Hospital no one to care for her so she went back home to care for her. She may not be on her death bead but wouldn't you want help when you're old from your family?

Personally things are too fresh I would give it some time. Get mom stable again and hire a nurse so your wife feels better and can think clearly.

[jodari62 1]

Obviously, this is not an "immigration" questions but a romance question.

Every situation is different. In my own case, I spent two years trying to get my girlfriend to agree to marry me and move to the USA. She finally did marry me but refused to move, and when she finally agreed to move she threw me out two days after arriving. In short, she never really had a commitment to me.

You can't make someone be something just because you want them to be. You can't make someone love you, or love you more than they love something or someone else, or make them want your way of life more than they want some other way of life.

I didn't read every post in the thread, but I read most of them, and I didn't really see much pertaining to what your relationship is like now. Fortunately we now have tools to make international phone and video calls for free or very low cost. Do you talk often? Video chat? What are the conversations like? Are you still central to her life, or are you something she squeezes in between caring for her mother and her daughter? Does the mother say "I'm grateful you're here, but I promise that when your husband comes here to see you or you go to see him, I'll make sure to not be needy at those times?" How much are you able to see each other? (In my case, despite it being a long-distance relationship, we were at least able to see each other about two weekends a month, due to a combination of it being a fairly short distance, favorable airline schedules, and learning a zillion frequent flier tricks.) How important is it to be physically together?

It's a sad thing to contemplate, but she might either not be committed to you, or simply not want to leave her home and culture behind. In that case, you really have no choice but to sadly cut your losses. If you believe she still loves you and wants a life with you and your life now is manageable, then maybe you can stick it out.

Some really good feedback tuckin14. We text 1-2 times per day, talk on Skype every night, very caring and loving conversations, she thinks about me always and I am very important to her, she always makes time to see and talk to me online, and the mother supports her giving me her time unconditionally when I visit. We are able to see each other about two weekends per month for about a 4-5 day stretch per visit.