Doesn't Want to Move Here-What Now?

[jodari62 1]

My wife returned to Colombia due to her mother's illness, and it seems it will be ongoing with no real end in sight...she has emphysema and back problems. Because my wife is her only daughter and nobody else can really help look after her, she has decided she does not want to leave her mother alone in Colombia and live in the USA. All of the goals we had set to be a family here have now burst. She says if I want to remain married to her, I will have to accept the family situation and plan to travel to visit during days I have off, and she will visit during holidays, etc. and some other short term visits throughout the year here in the USA. Fortunately, I work for an airline and have travel benefits. However, this is not what I expected nor was agreed upon when married, and her mother's illness after our marriage necessitated her return.

So, I am asking the wonderfully diverse people here on VJ for their feedback. What would you do? Would you stay in the marriage this way? What suggestions do you have? Your opinions and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[msbau764 245]

I would've paid for someone in Colombia to take care of her mom, at least until your wife got a greencard. Then, I would've said that the best option would be for her to be with her mom 6 months, and in the states 6 months. I don't know your situation. She must know that it itsn't cheap to apply for a visa -- emotionally or monetarily. It seems like she did not love you enough to make a life with you in the US. Does your wife not have aunts or uncles that coud help?

My wife returned to Colombia due to her mother's illness, and it seems it will be ongoing with no real end in sight...she has emphysema and back problems. Because my wife is her only daughter and nobody else can really help look after her, she has decided she does not want to leave her mother alone in Colombia and live in the USA. All of the goals we had set to be a family here have now burst. She says if I want to remain married to her, I will have to accept the family situation and plan to travel to visit during days I have off, and she will visit during holidays, etc. and some other short term visits throughout the year here in the USA. Fortunately, I work for an airline and have travel benefits. However, this is not what I expected nor was agreed upon when married, and her mother's illness after our marriage necessitated her return.

So, I am asking the wonderfully diverse people here on VJ for their feedback. What would you do? Would you stay in the marriage this way? What suggestions do you have? Your opinions and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

By the way, I assuming her mom is not on her deathbed nor is in danger of imminent death. That would change things.

[Jawaree 718]

I say talk it over with your wife and if you both

truly love each other it can work. Respect how

she feels about mom she may not have much time left

and that will prove how she would treat you if God

forbid something happens to you.

I speak from experience, I had a situation with 3 kids

in the mix my wife work with the airlines, so I settled

for 3-4 days a week seeing her, also kept the 2 younger

ones until things were sorted out , not easy but she never

resented an extra trip, renting our home & staying at my

parents so my eldest could be monitored when she was

gone. I did lots of stuff via Skype even my kid graduation.

She can ask for a re-entry permission that would allow

her with good reason to stay out . I'll say 23 mths. In the

meantime be happy you have the means to visit her, don't

complain and talk positive a lot to her, most of all never forget

to remind her you love her dude...Good luck

Edited November 8, 2014 by Jawaree

[landr 126]

Was your wife happy in the US? What is your mother-in-law's prognosis? Are her doctors talking about long-term care or have they said that she doesn't have long to live?

[StepMedina 7]

Put in her shoes... Its a hard desition to leave her MOTHER with a illness problem if she is her only daugter..

[TBoneTX 45,663]

Put in her shoes... Its a hard desition to leave her MOTHER with a illness problem if she is her only daugter..

^^ This.

Latin/South American families can be tighter than some of us gringos might perceive.

[msbau764 245]

^^ This.

Latin/South American families can be tighter than some of us gringos might perceive.

Eh, not 100% true. I've seen mothers and fathers abandon their loved ones to live in the States.

[TBoneTX 45,663]

Latin/South American families CAN BE tighter than some of us gringos might perceive.

Edited November 8, 2014 by TBoneTX

[Hypnos 6,577]

Hence the word "can".

(Edit) Beaten to it!

Edited November 8, 2014 by Hypnos

[msbau764 245]

Put in her shoes... Its a hard desition to leave her MOTHER with a illness problem if she is her only daugter..

This illness did not come about suddenly. Her mother had this when the OP applied for the visa. His wife knew what it meant to travel with the OP to the US. It seems like the beneficiary got cold feet after having arrived in the US, essentially reneging on her prior agreement or commitment to the OP. Big difference.

[TBoneTX 45,663]

That could well be, too.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Well OP, I would give it some time. It must be a really hard thing to leave a mom who isn't well when you are an only child. Not a lot of time, but see where it goes over the next few months, and then do what you feel is right for you. LDR's are hard as we all know, but what would happen if a child were involved? Its not an easy way to be a family. Again, give it a bit of time and see if she has a change of heart.

[a+j 77]

Ultimately, however difficult it is, only you can decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. Have you considered moving to Colombia?

[Gosia & Tito 199]

My wife returned to Colombia due to her mother's illness, and it seems it will be ongoing with no real end in sight...she has emphysema and back problems. Because my wife is her only daughter and nobody else can really help look after her, she has decided she does not want to leave her mother alone in Colombia and live in the USA. All of the goals we had set to be a family here have now burst. She says if I want to remain married to her, I will have to accept the family situation and plan to travel to visit during days I have off, and she will visit during holidays, etc. and some other short term visits throughout the year here in the USA. Fortunately, I work for an airline and have travel benefits. However, this is not what I expected nor was agreed upon when married, and her mother's illness after our marriage necessitated her return.

So, I am asking the wonderfully diverse people here on VJ for their feedback. What would you do? Would you stay in the marriage this way? What suggestions do you have? Your opinions and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Family is big in LatinAmerica; being only daughter, even if other relatives are around has a big weight.

I'd research various avenues before confronting the situation: what is the prognosis, gravity of the illness? Age of mom? (if older age, more attachment oculd be expected); since you mention working for an airline, how possible is for wife to travel to Colombia on an emergency? And, would that allow for a nurse/care to be secured, and if situatoin worseness wife can jump on a place with little/no notice? Is it possible to bring mom to the US? Even if maybe not immediately, within some period of time?

You mentioned 'only daughter', Does it mean there are brothers in the picture (not that it would be a big diff, but with brothers and nurse/health care, it could be sufficient for daughter to live in US and then travel with some frequency/emergency)

Is mother living in a major city where health care is more prevalent or in a province city/town.?

ALso, 'nobdy else' might be a figure of speech; there are almost always several relatives that could help, more so if an stipend is provided for that care. As well, take into account that the illness might have just manifested or there was a recent worsening and a common reaction is to jump on a plane because maybe it has been pointed by relatives as "come over, mom is in death bed"; after some time, once it is seen things are stable, wife would be sufficiently relieved to get back to US. "Some time" could be 2-3 months by the way.

Good luck

Edited November 8, 2014 by Gosia & Tito

[Sandra G. 5,054]

My dad lived 14 years with emphysema,it means her mother can still live many years.Ask yourself if you are willing to accept that. Her mother can live 2/3 years or 10 years or even more.